How Many Children Do You Have?
It’s the third saturday of the month which means that it’s the monthly meeting of the Compassionate Friends, a grief support group after the death of a child. It’s the time to pay forward and give comfort to newly bereaved parents. Sometimes I cannot even imagine myself in their shoes, going through what they are feeling today.
Oh, I remember those days in early grief when it took every ounce of strength to just get through a minute of a day. Time indeed helped tame my emotions over Luijoe’s death so much but sometimes when the question about children and numbers come up, I feel stumped. All parents who have lost a child sometimes don’t know how to answer that question.
The question How Many Children Do you Have pops up in any social gatherings.
You see, I can answer that one now. You all know I have 3 children. I don’t have to explain that to you, Yes, it depends on the person asking and when and where it is asked. If it is asked by a stranger at a restaurant where I sit with my two girls, it is usually assumed that I have two children. I let that slide because it is more or less something like, “Are these your two children?” and of course, I reply, they are.
If someone I’ve just met at church or a social gathering asks me how many children I have I will tell him or her that I have two on earth and one in heaven. Sometimes, the person does not know how to react and backs out with any follow-up question. This most certainly hurts. I can’t also blame them because death can be an uncomfortable topic to most people who can’t handle a tragic story. That’s why when I am not in the mood to explain, I just say “Two children”. There are some that ask about my boy in Heaven and I appreciate the opportunity to speak Luijoe’s name and talk about his life.
Each bereaved mother has their trigger point or point of pain. The number three when it comes to children sometimes hits me. Thoughts hover inside my head. I am a mother of three. A different grouping- two here and one in Heaven. But am I not still a mother with three kids?
This is about me ( a 
i can easily answer, i have “7″! and proud of it.
but when asked,how many grand children do i have–i am not sure, i would say, i have 2 plus 1 in heaven.
oh, Noems, it still pains me–next week Michael would have been 1 year old, we would have been partying celebrating. yes, we will, but the only difference is that Michael will be with us only in spirit, with the thought that he looks down from heaven.
yes, time heals, but the pain is still there, no matter what.
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@dine- we learn to live with the pain. I never really thought about you…I forgot that grandparents are also asked that question.
thanks for this email.. it is very timely.. i keep telling my MIL that even if my Sister in law isn’t with us anymore lagi pa rin nya isipin na tatlo anak nya. I keep telling her death may end a life but not a relationship. Sa inyo ko po yun natutunan. Please email schedules of Support Group meetings because I want to invite my inlaws. I know that they need a lot of emotional support that compassionate friends can provide. thanks!
@leira- sige I will add you to my text list.
A friend has also expressed the same sentiments to me. She said that when her husband is asked how many children they have and he answers two, she is hurt. Cause you see, she had multiple miscarriages. On her first pregnancy, only one of the twins survived. Her second pregnancy, she lost both twins. Her third pregnancy was very successful and she had a beautiful baby girl. She has two girls here on earth. But she also has three children in heaven.
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