A Father’s Grief in Grief Share

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father's grief
It’s my husband’s turn to be featured on TV . For many years after my son’s death, my husband was inconsolable often in a depressed mode. In our “modern day” society it is especially difficult for fathers to grieve openly, caught in a catch 22 of how to express the deep pain they are experiencing. Men don’t cry, men do not emote, men do not hug (maybe at the funeral) men don’t go to support groups, men don’t call in sick because they are screaming inside, They are the man of the family. Fathers are the fix it guys, the protector, the strength and the rock the family needs for support. More often than not, people will ask a bereaved father “how is your wife doing? This must be extremely hard for her”.

butch 006.jpg
My husband researched and scoured for support groups in the year 2000. There were no workshops or support groups in the country that catered to bereaved parents. I was too busy wallowing in my pain to be of help to my spouse. Sure, there was a grief therapist but it wasn’t enough. Five years later, the Compassionate Friends which we co-founded with Cathy, Alma and our spouses started the journey towards a positive resolution of his grief. The cloud of doom seemed to lift. He smiled more. His eyes showed a tiny spark of hope. I discovered one reason that helped my husband out of the depth of despair. It is compassion for others. It is giving that we receive and in healing that we are healed. His positive disposition lifted even more as we attended GRIEFSHARE, a ministry started by Cathy and Hector Guballa. GRIEFSHARE accelerated my husband’s healing and recovery through the biblical approach, the psychology of Grief and group supprt. Even if we finished the 13 sessions of the first module, we returned for the second module to help out Cathy and Hector in group facilitation. Butch will share his GRIEFSHARE experience on the 700 Club, QTV Channel 11 at 11:30 PM Thursday, August 23 along with Hector.

I am truly grateful for GRIEFSHARE because my husband realized that God whom he was bitter with for years is the only one who can pull him out of the darkness that is grief. If you know of someone, or you are someone who has lost a loved one through death, please join GRIEFSHARE and begin the journey towards healing and recovery. Starting September 1, GRIEFSHARE will meet every Saturday afternoon from 2-5PM at the Greenhills Christian Fellowship, Ruby Corner Garnet Streets, Ortigas Center, Pasig . It’s FREE. (Email me for more details)

Griefshare is a special seminar and support group for people grieving the loss of someone close. If you’ve lost a spouse, child, family member or friend, you’ve probably found that there are not many people who understand the depth of what you feel. Griefshare is sponsored by people who understand what you are experiencing and want to offer you comfort and encouragement during a very difficult time.

Read more on GriefShare.

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sm hypermarket
Speaking of my husband, shop along with him as he writes about his Shopping Adventure at SM Hypermarket, our entry to the SM Hypermarket Writing Contest. Grocery Shopping is a Sunday routine that Butch enjoys . I get really bored because it takes him almost 2 hours to get done. View our Shopping Adventure entry

Noemi Lardizabal-Dado (1354 Posts)

You may contact Noemi (noemidado @ gmail.com) for speaking and consultancy services in the following areas: Parenting in the Digital Age (includes pro-active parenting on cyber-bullying and bullying) ; Social Business ; Reinventing One’s Life; and social media engagement. Our parenting workshop is called "Prep to Prime (P2P): Parenting in the Digital Age (An Un­Workshop)" P2P Un­Workshops are conducted by two golden women in their prime, Noemi and Jane, who have a century’s worth of experience between them. They are both accomplished professionals who chose to become homemakers. This 180­degree turn also put them on a different life course which includes blogging, social media engagement and citizen advocacy. They call their un­workshops Prep to Prime or P2P, for short, to emphasize the breadth of their parenting experience. They tackle different aspects and issues of parenting ­­ from managing pregnancies, prepping for the school years of children, dealing with househelp, managing the household budget, to maximizing one’s prime life and staying healthy through the senior years.


About Noemi Lardizabal-Dado

You may contact Noemi (noemidado @ gmail.com) for speaking and consultancy services in the following areas: Parenting in the Digital Age (includes pro-active parenting on cyber-bullying and bullying) ; Social Business ; Reinventing One’s Life; and social media engagement. Our parenting workshop is called "Prep to Prime (P2P): Parenting in the Digital Age (An Un­Workshop)" P2P Un­Workshops are conducted by two golden women in their prime, Noemi and Jane, who have a century’s worth of experience between them. They are both accomplished professionals who chose to become homemakers. This 180­degree turn also put them on a different life course which includes blogging, social media engagement and citizen advocacy. They call their un­workshops Prep to Prime or P2P, for short, to emphasize the breadth of their parenting experience. They tackle different aspects and issues of parenting ­­ from managing pregnancies, prepping for the school years of children, dealing with househelp, managing the household budget, to maximizing one’s prime life and staying healthy through the senior years.

  • This made me cry. Seriously. You guys have been through so much. Ah. I can almost feel your pain and his pain. I mean, what he must have been going through on top of everything else. He has to suppress his feelings because of the stupid facade Men has to have in order not to look weak. I wish I could watch his TV appearance too.

    I don’t know what else to say but that I’m really glad I’ve stumbled upon you online. One day I hope to meet you and your family. Be ready for the biggest hug you’ll ever get in your life 🙂 .

  • Hi Noems, thanks for the plug. It’s time for the boys to take centerstage huh?! I’ve really seen the changes in Butch from when we first met two years ago. God is truly awesome! Will blog about Hector’s interview on Thursday morning na. Ang cute naman ni Bucth nag go grocery! Well-trained 🙂 H takes forever too but he’s way more organized than I am!
    Looking forward to Thursday’s show 🙂

  • @dexie- and I didn’t even describe much of his grief. One day we will meet and banter. and hug

    @cathy- what a big change indeed. our hubbies might end up shopping together one of these days

  • Hi Noemi!! I’ve seen grief take its toll on people that I love. 10 years ago I lost my cousin to cancer. He was the brother I never had. He was only 24 years old and one of 2 boys. My Ninang and her husband were total wrecks after that. It’s been a while but you can still see pain in their eyes. I will mention this to them.

    Me naman, I lost my Dad last year. I really can’t say that I’ve gotten over it but I’m trying. Papa’s girl kasi ako.

  • lemon

    That’s one thing I realized about men, that they have a different way of dealing with grief. J made me see this when during Baby Daniel’s wake, most of the mourners went to our common friend, A to console her and J muttered “pity H, everybody thinks he can deal with it, when the truth is, they share the same pain”. I personally got a glimpse of that pain when, while I was standing in the lobby of the funeral parlor, I saw H shake his head in an attempt to bite off a cry while watching the ministrations upon their dear baby.

    Btw, I saw R, the husband of your L’s teacher in Miriam a few months ago while attending the MCLE. He looked better now than before. I felt happy that he could smile now, though with a hint of sadness. I thought you’d want to know that.

    Sorry for the lengthy comment.

  • @Kongkong- yes the GRIEFSHARE is open to those who are even healed so they are equipped with Grief Recovery concepts

    @Lemon- buti naman our common friend attended The Compassionate Friends. I am sure it helped them a lot. thanks for being a good friend to her.

  • KK

    I wouldn’t even want to think about the subject of loosing a child Ate Noemi. It’s been 16 years since I have lost my mom, and I still miss her so much. So I am happy for you and your husband that you were able get through the past years. Your husband has done good coming out with how he dealt/deals with his grief loosing your angel. Yes, it is tough for men specially in the Filipino society where men are supposed to be macho and not show any sign of weakness. Tears are seen as weakness there and sometimes boys are even teased that they are bakla when they cry.

  • Hi Noemi, I’m sorry if this sounds impertinent but did your husband get his “silver blonde” overnight like they say if a person goes through a lot of stress. Just curious. But you can ignore this question 🙂 It suits him though. I like that poignant photo of you and him perusing a photo album. Manila is blessed to have a recovery program available to parents who needs an outlet for their grief.

  • @KK- Am really thankful for the progress he made .

    @geri- Good you asked this. Their family has premature greying, I think the silver blonde accelerated during stress, now that you asked. hmm. yes we were looking at Luijoe’s photo album which he has never seen since he died.