It was in Twitter that I saw someone post…”asdfjhsda I’m so sick of weirdos! WHY CAN’T I ATTRACT NORMAL GUYS????????”. No offense to the guys who are attracted to that person right now, but the problem is not the guy. It’s you and me who are attracted to these types of person. My daughter and I had a conversation about how I got attracted to her dad. I remember now. I never lacked of a father image. My dad was a loving father, great provider and a mentor on handling life’s problems. But my loving dad was boring. He was so traditional and conservative, afraid to venture into the unknown. A perfect example was a trip to Europe with my sister and dad in the early 80’s. Dad preferred to take organized tours while my sister and I wanted to take the nearest train and just venture on our own. Most of all, he wasn’t demonstrative with his love. He never hugged us or said “I love You”. Subconsciously, I chose a spouse that was passionate, affectionate, happy go lucky and adventurous and to put it mildly, “wild and unconventional”. The truth of the matter was my marital problems were mainly caused by this happy go lucky trait.
When I planned on a separation with my husband a few years ago, I imagined I would find myself in another relationship. Who was I kidding? I needed to fix ME, first and foremost. The issue is about us and not the other person. That is the heart, the hope and the power of recovery.
Often, we learn about ourselves from the people to whom we are attracted. The basic question is : What then is a healthy attraction towards people?
1. In recovery, we strive towards a healthy attraction to people. We allow ourselves to be attracted to who people are not their potential nor to what we hope they will become.
2. We need to work family of origin issues. The less one needed to work out on these issues, the less one needed to work through them with the people one gets attracted to. It meant one needed to finish our business from the past as it helps us form new and healthier relationships.
What I needed to do was reach out to my inner adventurous spirit. I didn’t need a partner to compensate this for me.
3. The more we learn to love and respect ourselves, the more we will become attracted to people who will love and respect us and who we can safely love and respect.
Once we take care of ourselves, we start to value ourselves. Loving ourselves overflows and it transcends to others that value our love.
4. Be patient with yourselves. The type of people we find ourselves attracted to does not change overnight.
5. Learn to take care of yourself during the process of forming and initiating relationships. Learn to tread slowly, to pay attention and even allow mistakes , even when we know better.
6. Stop blaming our relationships on others or on God and begin to take responsibility for them. We can learn to enjoy the healthy relationships and extricate ourselves more quicly from the dysfunctional ones.
We learn to look what’s good for us instead of seeking what’s good for the other person. We need to take responsibility for ourselves and learn what we need to learn.
Trust that the people you want and need will come into your life.
I trust that my daughters will form a healthy attraction to people in their lives. I trust that they will be open to the lessons they need to learn about themselves in relationships so that they will be prepared for the best possible relationships with people.
Good day Noemi. Thanks for sharing this post. I agree, that we should start learning how to love and appreciate ourselves first before expecting others to do so.
When I was younger, I had the habit of blaming others for a relationship that didn’t work. Now, I realized that it wasn’t meant to be. Things don’t always work the way we want them to but there’s a higher purpose for it all.
Your principles are so sound 🙂 It took me a while to figure these out myself. Often the realization comes at midlife where there is more time to reflect and also when we begin to realize our mortality and look back on what has been. If things aren’t the way we desire them to be, pray about it and ask for guidance. That’s why the serenity prayer is really the prayer of the midlifing woman or man. Insightful post 🙂
i heartily agree, mommy noemi! now if only some of my girl friends would listen…
You know, I felt the same way too, feeling ko puro weirdos ang naging bf ko before. I have this “ideal man” in mind – mestizo, funny, a good singer, etc etc… but all my past bfs were moreno, only one of ’em sings well, one of ’em was like a clown, kaso di naman ako kaya ipagtanggol! Maybe I ask too much… but anyway, now that I’m “available”, I tend to be very picky. Not that there are suitors (zero nga eh), but I have a mental list of what I want in a guy. I guess the right thing to do now is just be friends with as much people as possible. In my experience, years of friendship isn’t really enough. I have no idea how love and relationships really work, but you’re right that personal issues should be dealt with first.
So I add another question … when will I find that right person? 🙂
I will keep this in mind, tita. For future reference 🙂
Wow! Great piece. Wish I read this decades ago. I just wonder … when one’s in love will she listen to prescriptions?
I know of a girl, a psychologist .. fell in love with a client of the psychological firm she was working in. She had all the inkblots, the attitude and aptitudinal test results of this very charming guy. All the tests are saying he’s not good husband material. Even the head psychologist warned her. But she went ahead and married him anyway.
What I am saying is …. oh well
Thanks for sharing this with us.
Point 6 is one that I must keep & always re-read. Hubby & I still have a long way to go & sometimes our immaturity gets in the way. If I am to be honest, my temperament often prevents me from admitting fault. I am learning & thankfully I/we recognise our shortcomings now.
lisaflor, he’ll come when you least expect it 🙂
I learned the same things when hubby and I had our troubles. We both had to look at our own reflections to see what was wrong. There might have been one thing to put a blame on but it wouldn’t hurt to look at one’s self to find out out more.
I admire how you’ve raised your daughters Noemi. They’re both very beautiful strong-willed, intelligent, independent girls any mother could be proud of.
@rach- we always learned a lesson in all of our relationships. Nothing was truly a waste.
@cathy- that’s why i am teaching my daughters early on so they are aware. It’s their choice if they don’t believe me.
@cess- it pays to nudge them and give a little unsolicited advice. Then let go if they don’t listen to you .
@lisaflor- The right person will come if you believe that will happen. Trust that he will be there for you one day and believe that with or without a life partner, you are still you
@annamanila- oh no. It must be hard for the psychologist to deal with her own issues. With others, she can be objective.
@auee- I was also like you before. I always thought my husband was at fault and never myself. But I learned to look at myself first
@dexie- thanks for the compliment. My daughters are so strong willed . Yeah. Hehe. It’s a loving riot at home .
Agree!
“You cannot give whar you do not have.”
So, how can you love someone if you don’t love yourself.
When I was younger, I guess I attracted the wrong kind of people because I realized, I was so carefree and never cared for what and who I am. But I guess, you have to put a price on yourself! I’m glad I attracted the right kind of husband!!!
Thanks for sharing, noemi!
Hello. I was browsing through some blogs and one hop to another led me here.
I must say that though you have encountered such a great tragedy..your story of resilience is likewise one of great inspiring faith.
Thank you for sharing.
looking back when i was younger, i would tend to blame others for so many things that was happening to me. i was kinda self-centered. with age and experience, i mellowed, i saw reason, i began to adjust, rather than making other people adjusting to me or expecting them to do so. the change had to be with me first, and this has made a whole lot of difference.
I’ve been reading these old entries. I’m learning a lot! Thanks for sharing Noemi.
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