“If I die, Mama, will I be alive again?” Luijoe asked. My six-year-old was lying on the bed, flipping through the prayer books piled on his tummy.

It was Holy Week, a month before that fateful day of May 27, 2000, the day he drowned in a beach resort in Cebu.

I turned my body to face his and stroked his cheek. How could I explain the mysteries of death to a little boy? “When we die, Lui, we will live forever, through eternal life in heaven,” I said the lines I’d memorized from the teachings of our Catholic Church.

“When I die, I will be alive again!” he exclaimed, jumping in bed, arms wide in exuberance.

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Every Good Friday was just like any other day for me. The streets are empty. Everything is still. At 3:00 PM, I’d bow my head in prayer and reflect on Jesus’ death. That is before the death of my son. I never knew what it felt to be the mother of Jesus, losing a son until of course, I lost my precious son 8 years ago. Even if Mother Mary knew that Jesus died to save us, she was just as inconsolable as any mother who lost a child. My son was “clinically dead” when I got to him and I did not see him suffer. Not that I am diminishing my own pain but I bet Mother Mary suffered one thousand times more than I did for every nail and insult given to her beloved son.

How does this pain feel? Imagine…

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I’m exhausted. Not from work but from trying to fix things from 3:00 PM till midnight yesterday. That’s all I can do. I can only do so much. It is not my job to control people, outcomes, circumstances, life. There is magic in letting go. Sometimes we get what we want soon after we let go. Sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes the specific outcome we desire doesn’t happen. Something better does. I trust that by letting go, I have started the wheels in motion for things to work out in the best possible way.

The way my life is unfolding is good.

Who I am and the way I do things is good enough for today.

Who I am and the way I did things yesterday was good enough for that day.

Today, I will let go and take in healing thoughts.

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The blue rosary in the photo belongs to Luijoe. A month before he died, he placed it lovingly on the rear view mirror of my car so mama, you will always be protected. Little did he know that he would be in heaven a month later, watching over me and the rest of the family. The Holy Rosary played an important part in my son’s life. My heart often tugs at the memory of my son chastising me for not saying my regular prayers. One night, he pulled me over to our bed because he wanted to pray the Rosary. This lazy mother begged off saying “I don’t feel like it…it’s too long to pray”. That memory often brings me tears of regret that I wasn’t supportive enough of my son’s staunch faith in the Holy Rosary. I should have just prayed along with Luijoe even if I didn’t feel like it. In the eulogy given by Luijoe’s pre-school teacher, she talks of Luijoe as he prayed the rosary:

One time I assigned him to lead the rosary. He was murmuring. One of his classmates told him to speak louder. So loudly but seriously with a big voice he uttered the prayers. At the end of the rosary, all of his classmates clapped their hands. Then, he shouted innocently,”This is not a program..This is a prayer!”

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Yesterday, I caught up with Loida Nicolas Lewis at her condo somewhere in Makati just before her flight to New York. I have heard so much about her as an industrialist and philanthropist. It was my task to interview her for a University of the Philippines’ (UP) centennial book project to be launched next year for the 100th anniversary of the state university. I read up on her before our meeting to make sure that I didn’t repeat facts already found in the internet or her books. Based on my research, Loida was married to Reginald Lewis, considered as one of the most successful and richest African-Americans and has been described as instrumental to her husband’s business success. After her husband died from brain cancer in 1993, Loida took over the family business and was successful in the company’s growth. At the moment, she is the Chairman and CEO of TLC Beatrice, LLC (the Lewis Family investment firm), TLC Beatrice China (operates retail convenience stores in four major cities in China) and TLC Beatric Foods Philippines (operates a meat processing plant in Naga City).

I am fascinated with her life, her success and faith in God.

Her secretary showed me the September 2007, 6th Anniversary issue of Philippine Tatler. It features their 834 Fifth Avenue Manhattan home which the Lewis family moved in a few weeks before Reginald succumbed to brain cancer. Reginald became the first African-American to live on Fifth Avenue and one of its “A-plus apartments”. But let not this wealth fool you. Loida is busy with the family-run Lewis College in Sorsogon where they offer college courses and a nursing assistant certificate. Not only that she funded a part of a micro finance project in Sorsogon called PALFSI (People’s Alternative Livelihood Foundation of Sorsogon, Inc.)., She is also Chairman of Business for Integrity and Stability of our Nation Foundation, Inc. (Bisyon 2020). She is such a busy woman and I am indeed fortunate to have been accommodated for this interview.

My interview with Loida lasted for 2 hours which you will read when the book comes out next year. In the course of the interview, I asked her about the loss of her husband and how she dealt with it knowing it can help a lot of readers in this blog. This is what she told me.

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As I was reading my daughter’s blog entry where she said that “ The only thing we should strive for, she said, is calm. “, I immediately thought of serenity. The following day, I asked “did you mean serenity?”

And she said “I think so”.

I explained that most human beings search for serenity in their otherwise chaotic life.

But I added Serenity isn’t freedom from the storm , but peace within the storm and I reminded her “Remember the Serenity Prayer poster you bought for dad two years ago from the States?”

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