Forgiveness

Noemi Lardizabal-Dado   Monday, December 03, 2007   8 Comments on Forgiveness

I hate him, my daughter lashed out.

That surprised me since it was over a year since they broke off. Surely by now, all the anger should have been released. I was more worried about the inner angst and her mental health so I quietly advised “Forgive your ex. Treat your ex as a gift.” I was also worried she’d get sick from so much hate.

I just hate him, she ranted on.

I didn’t prod anymore on the reasons. I didn’t like the guy myself when they first dated. Okay, that was the old controlling me in 2004 where I totally disapproved of their relationship. Of course, despite my disapproval, they continued to see each other behind my back. But…I went over my dislike (moms have this gut feel) and let their relationship go on. No, I didn’t want their relationship to die. Far from it. All I want from my children is genuine happiness and a healthy relationship.

You know, even if my daughters don’t want to listen to me, I still give my unsolicited advice for what it is worth. There was a gift in your past relationship. Sometimes the gift is a behavior you learned to acquire or could have triggered healing from issues of the past or an issue you are facing today. Or it might have taught YOU to love yourself or someone else. But trust me, there was a lesson and a gift there. Talk to him again to clear the air.

Then I let her be.

Maybe it was a few weeks after when I learned that she finally confronted her ex.

I was so happy for her.

She wrote:

Maybe it’s because my ex angst is getting old and I’m tired of being angry at him. Maybe it’s because it’s almost Christmas, and at Christmas you tell the truth….

Time can only tell if we’ll be real friends or if we’ll only acknowledge the other’s existence with a wave or a nod. Whatever happens from this point onwards doesn’t really matter much. The important thing is that I can finally put the last three years of my life back in its rightful resting place, without having to worry about revenants when the karmic cycle of life makes random things random happenly.

When a family member or someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge or embrace forgiveness and move forward. Choose forgiveness. Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge.

In Forgiveness: How to let go of grudges and bitterness, evidence is mounting that holding on to grudges and bitterness results in long-term health problems. Forgiveness offers a lot of benefits:

    * Lower blood pressure
    * Stress reduction
    * Less hostility
    * Better anger management skills
    * Lower heart rate
    * Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse
    * Fewer depression symptoms
    * Fewer anxiety symptoms
    * Reduction in chronic pain
    * More friendships
    * Healthier relationships
    * Greater religious or spiritual well-being
    * Improved psychological well-being

forgivenessWhen we hold on to pain, old grudges, bitterness and even hatred, many aspects of our lives suffer. When we’re unforgiving, we pay the price over and over. The anger and bitterness may be brought into every relationship and new experience. Our lives may be so wrapped up in the wrong that we can’t enjoy the present.

Getting the other person to change their actions, behavior or words is not the goal of forgiveness. The other person may never even change or apologize for the hurts and wrongs. Forgiveness is more about how it can change your life — by bringing you more peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness takes away the power the other person continues to wield in your life. Through forgiveness, you choose to no longer define yourself as a victim.

Forgiveness is done primarily for yourself, and less so for the person who wronged you.

Oh yes, I forgive you even if you don’t.

Is it difficult for you to forgive someone who hurt you?

Noemi Lardizabal-Dado (1346 Posts)

You may contact Noemi (noemidado @ gmail.com) for speaking and consultancy services in the following areas: Parenting in the Digital Age (includes pro-active parenting on cyber-bullying and bullying) ; Social Business ; Reinventing One’s Life; and social media engagement. Our parenting workshop is called "Prep to Prime (P2P): Parenting in the Digital Age (An Un­Workshop)" P2P Un­Workshops are conducted by two golden women in their prime, Noemi and Jane, who have a century’s worth of experience between them. They are both accomplished professionals who chose to become homemakers. This 180­degree turn also put them on a different life course which includes blogging, social media engagement and citizen advocacy. They call their un­workshops Prep to Prime or P2P, for short, to emphasize the breadth of their parenting experience. They tackle different aspects and issues of parenting ­­ from managing pregnancies, prepping for the school years of children, dealing with househelp, managing the household budget, to maximizing one’s prime life and staying healthy through the senior years.


About Noemi Lardizabal-Dado

You may contact Noemi (noemidado @ gmail.com) for speaking and consultancy services in the following areas: Parenting in the Digital Age (includes pro-active parenting on cyber-bullying and bullying) ; Social Business ; Reinventing One’s Life; and social media engagement. Our parenting workshop is called "Prep to Prime (P2P): Parenting in the Digital Age (An Un­Workshop)" P2P Un­Workshops are conducted by two golden women in their prime, Noemi and Jane, who have a century’s worth of experience between them. They are both accomplished professionals who chose to become homemakers. This 180­degree turn also put them on a different life course which includes blogging, social media engagement and citizen advocacy. They call their un­workshops Prep to Prime or P2P, for short, to emphasize the breadth of their parenting experience. They tackle different aspects and issues of parenting ­­ from managing pregnancies, prepping for the school years of children, dealing with househelp, managing the household budget, to maximizing one’s prime life and staying healthy through the senior years.

The comments posted on my blog are moderated. I reserve the right to remove comments, words or phrases that are defamatory, abusive, incite hatred and advertise an email address or commercial services or just plain spammy. I also reserve the right to remove posts that to my opinion are off-topic, irrelevant, ad-hominem, personal attacks and or just plain rude.
  • http://one-twentyone.com ladycess

    i agree noemi. i wrote in my blog that i have to forgive people bec ” i have to be free.” it can really be tiring going around with all that baggage, oh i know. i am not blessed with forgiving nature. so i must make a conscious decision to forgive.

    i’m happy for lauren. the proverbial thorn is out of her chest.

  • rolly07

    Cool! I was able to read your daughter’s blog and it’s a good thing that she’s finally forgiven her ex (I hope…hehe….). Because it seems she has a lot of angst inside her and releasing one of those would really help…

  • http://aboutmyrecovery.com Noemi

    @ladycess- I am not very verbal in seeking forgiveness. Sometimes we don’t even need to say it, I guess. We just move on and forget the anger.

    @rolly07- it’s her angsty stage for sure

  • http://nancydrewandme.blogspot.com cathy

    live and let live. one day lauren will look back and say, “what the —- was i thinking?” 🙂 meanwhile, it’s always good to let go. excess baggage just weighs us down. happy for her!

  • http://feistymomma.com dexie

    i can forgive.. but nor forget… 🙂

  • http://mysoulfulthoughts.blogspot.com/ Rach (Heart of Rachel)

    I’m happy for your daughter. Having some form of closure is always beneficial to both parties involved.

    I also got hurt before. It took time for me to forgive but time can be an ally. When I was ready to forgive and let go, I felt relieved from the burden I’ve kept so long.

  • edelweiza

    this post is very enlightening. and yeah, i have to agree that forgiveness can be done without even saying it (to the person). 😀

  • midnight rainbow

    I love your post Noemi. I never told my mom the hurt and pain that I went through when I was recovering from a past relationship but I guess she felt it too.

    I have to admit it hasn’t been easy forgetting, forgiving and accepting – it’s a long journey and process towards healing. There are pebbles, stones and boulders along the way but I managed to brush away the dust and dirt, avoid the rocks or go around a different path just to get there – and I know that I’m almost there. I’m pretty sure my mom knows it too.