My heart still aches to hold you
I close my eyes and see,
Your face now, 15 years later
And who you were to be.
In our arms for a little while, in our hearts forever.
It’s been 15 years. Love never dies.
My daughter messaged me, “Hope you’re not too sad today” and I said “Am okay. Tears are not buckets anymore. Just tear drops.”
” Tears are words the heart can’t express.” Sometimes, there are just no words to describe the overwhelming loss.
Though the pain and sorrow still flows 15 years later, I know one day we will be reunited. I maintain a sacred bond with my son which is very vital to my well being. I have these moments when I dream and imagine what my son looks like now. He’s such a handsome boy.
I catch myself glancing at other boys, children of friends with similar age as Luijoe. There is Dine’s daughter and Jane’s son with similar ages. I can’t help but smile at how grown up they are because at the back of my mind…this is how Luijoe is today at 21 years old.
I wonder if my Luijoe would still be singing as he used to do as a six year old kid. He loved watching his two older sisters during choir practice. Pop music fascinated him . He would always ask me to download mp3 files of his favorite songs at Napster. Then he would sing and dance to the music. That always made me smile. I took note of his mp3 playlist at my old computer right after his death as follows:
1. Mirror, Mirror- M2M
2. Never be the same again- Melanie C
3. Feeling so Good- Jennifer Lopez
4. Oops I did it again – Britney Spears
5. Bye Bye Bye- NSync
6. Northern Star- Melanie C
7. Dear Lie- TLC
8. How can I not love you- Joy Enriquez
9. Be with you- Enrique Iglesias
10. Never Let You Go- Third Eye Blind
These are the thoughts that I want to picture 15 years later. I can’t help but smile and tear with these thoughts . But one thing is certain after all these years. In my heart, Luijoe lives on, always there, never gone. I can hear him whispering in my thoughts:
And I will be beside you
Every day and week and year,
And when you’re sad I’m standing there
To wipe away that tear.