I heard a voice so close to my ears “Are you tweeting??. I turn around to my husband and smiled, “Yes” then promptly closed my macbook.
What my husband really means is “I’m lonely here, give me some loving hugs”. You know, sometimes I can get really engrossed with my online activities that my husband has to remind me with these subtle hints. Being together for the past 35 years, I developed a fifth sense- the ability to be sensitive to his feelings and, to read his mind.
It took a lot of years for me to finally understand his “language”. My husband is the type to “beat around the bush” before getting to the crux of the matter. For example,
If Butch wants me to do the grocery, he doesn’t request me to do it. He asks “I didn’t finish the grocery today. Do you think you have time to do the grocery tomorrow?” which I know really means “Do it for me, please”.
If that were me, I’d be more direct. I’d actually request it: “I don’t have time to do the grocery, can you do it for me?”
My directness brought me a lot of marital rifts in the past maybe because I did not say it gently. With time, I learned to use his indirect language when I know it calls for “beating around the bush”. Perhaps his beating around the bush is his gentle truth. It really drives me crazy to beat around the bush but that’s how he works.
I grew up with a family that was very open with our communication. If we didn’t like something, we said what was on our mind. However, direct statements can hurt. I learned a technique that does not make my family members defensive whenever I utter an opinion. I start the sentence with “I feel _______” statements. With varied emotions, I can say…
I feel worried if you go home late at night, Lauren which is far better than “You should be home by midnight or else….you’re grounded”
I feel sad that you yelled at me” after an argument which works far better “You are such a loud-mouth! Shut up”.
Feelings are never wrong because you own it. It is okay to have and feel our feelings—all of them. Maybe in the past I shut down the emotional part of myself to survive certain situations. Sometimes we shut down the part of us that feels anger, sadness, fear, joy and love. Many of us lived in systems with people who refused to tolerate our emotions. In the past, I felt shamed or even reprimanded for expressing feelings, and these are by people who were taught to repress their own feelings.
Times have changed now. It is okay now for me to acknowledge and accept my emotions. I don’t allow emotions to control me and ruin my day, neither do I need to rigidly repress my feelings.
I feel safe around direct and honest people. They speak their minds and I know where I stand with them. Like I said, that was not the case in the early parts of my marriage as my husband beats around the bush in expressing his feelings. Indirect people, people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want and what they’re feeling is not a comfortable feeling. They will somehow act their truth even though they do not speak it. And it may catch everyone by surprise.
I do not need to be judgmental, tactless, blaming, or cruel when I speak my truths. I can say what we need to say. I can gently, but assertively, speak my mind.
Freedom is just a few words away.
I so agree with the fifth sense. even if the Husband doesn’t say much, I can feel what he wanted to communicate just by looking at his gestures. as they say in comm arts: you cannot not communicate, meaning even in silence, you are still conveying something.
funny because I’m so much engrossed too with always going online during my ME-time. and when the Hubby caught me online on late nights, without a word, I’ll automatically shut down the compu.
fengs last blog post..ENJOYING LIFE’S SIMPLE PLEASURES ON MOMMY BREAKS
@feng- Cheers to our fifth sense which we need for our survival. Yes, using the computer is our ME-time. Just so there won’t be conflicts, I turn it off . Once my husband gets his YOU-Me Fix, that’s when I resume my online work or whatever I have to do online.
I am usually in front of the computer at night before going to bed and at this time, hubby watches his dose of DVD. But when he turns it off, I turn off the computer or if I turn off the computer, he stops watching.
Hubby is like your Butch, he does not really directly tells me what he wants (me to do), unlike I who tend to tell him exactly what I want done. But this works better for me I guess because this keeps me on my toes for the subtle hints 🙂
julies last blog post..Are You Lost?
Wow, I guess your husband is very polite and gentle…For me it is a gift having a husband which rarely speak his request directly. It feels more like offering than asking. But maybe for other wifes, they don’t have same opinion as mine.
I wouldn’t say I’m exactly a beating around the bush type. I just grew having the means to say things in a different way (harsh statements into less hurting one). But since I work out of the country and interacted with different races, I realized that it’s better to be direct. If someone who isn’t used to frank conversations, he/she can get really hurt. So, my approach now depends on who I am dealing with. But in general, I inherently do gentle talking.
witsandnutss last blog post..Older than my age
Btw, I’ve been wanting to try Plurk since the first time I read it from one of your posts. It’s blocked across this country and I’m still finding means how to do so. =)
witsandnutss last blog post..Older than my age
@Julie- with practice, I learned to discern those subtle hits. I used to be irritated that he wasn’t direct
@viona- I guess it has his style has a positive effect. I was just used to directness.
@witsandnuts- I wasn’t too discerning before so I went rat-ta-tat . Now I try to adjust
too bad you can’t plurk over there. I wonder why.
I think all wives have that 5th sense..that instinct. And I think its a husband thing too….beating around the bush. Thats why its true that behind every successful man is an even tougher woman. It isn’t easy to read between the lines. But, like you said, you get used to it after a few years.
“Feelings are never wrong because you own it.”
This sentence struck me the most. There’s a gem of truth in it.
Can’t try plurking here cause it’s blocked across UAE. For some religious, political, moral reasons. That’s what the screen says. 🙂
I think I’m like your husband, I beat around the bush. I refer to things indirectly. I gues I’m just tactful. I don’t want to hurt anyone with my words so I always take caution, except of course when I’m in front of my family where I’m more “expressive.”
You’re right, feelings are never wrong because we own it. Your posts never fails to teach a thing or two to me. Thanks a lot. 🙂
i feel that i could either relate to how your husband expresses his feelings or how you get to be so frank about yours. in my 6 years of married life, i have learned to coat my words in order for my husband to feel at least a bit better on whatever i am going to say. when i feel bad or really disappointed, i get to shout it all out in my mind and most of the time just keep it to myself to avoid confrontations, which i am afraid of, then in real talks with him, i coat my words with careful ones which i guess makes it work for us.
it is good to feel our feelings. yes.
“Feelings are never wrong because you own it.â€Â- this is a very relieving statement. it just made me feel ‘normal’.
jings last blog post..A scary school
I feel guilty sometimes spending so much time on my laptop so a couple of months ago I tried to blog less. Evening and weekends are the only time we have for ourselves so I think he does deserve my attention when he is at home. Now I just blog during the day and it is actually good to have a time for everything.
Jades last blog post..Puerto Princesa Business & Pleasure
Uy, my brother made some of jansport’s hand painted bags! (yan pala yung sinasabi nya before na bagong gimmik – sana bigyan nya ko hehe)
lisaflors last blog post..Insights on the Consolidated Bill on Reproductive Health and Population Control
Ma’am gud pm po. Meron po ba kayong mga 2nd hand na Jansport backpacks na hindi n’yo na po ginagamit? Okay lang po ba kung bilhin ko? Kasi po yung hinahanap ko po na design yung plain black na may brown leather pa po sa ilalim. Bilhin ko po ng P800, if you’re interested in selling it. Thanks po.
Wonderful post, Noemi! I am sometimes hardheaded and when Stan says cryptic things like that, and I know what he means, I sometimes ignore it in the hopes that he does it himself. HAHAHA! Masama ba yon? I want him to learn naman din kasi! (defensive me) hahahah!