Mother-Daughter Relationship

The latest local showbiz buzz happened on Mother’s day of all days! What struck me is Annabelle Rama’s message to her daughter, Ruffa Gutierrez regarding the split-up with her Turkish husband, Yilmaz Bektas. As a backgrounder,
annabelle rama

View Video of Annabelle Rama’s message to her daughter, Ruffa or

Read transcript of Annabelle Rama interview in GMA 7

““Napakahirap maging nanay. At saka ang anak ko, ang layo-layo sa akin palagi, nasa Istanbul. Biro mo, for one-year-and-a-half, hindi siya umuwi sa akin. Ngayon, nandito siya sa akin, haping-happy ako. Kaya Ruffa, ang desisyon mo, tuldukan mo na. Please lang, maawa ka sa akin. Kung gusto mo akong matigok, pumunta ka sa Maldives. Kung gusto mo pa akong mabuhay nang matagal, mag-stay ka sa akin.

My Tagalog is not too good but from what I understood from the above message is this It’s difficult being a mother. My daughter lives so far away all the time, in Istanbul. Imagine, for a year and a half, she didn’t go home to me. Now that she is here, I am happy. Ruffa, stand by your decision. Please, have pity on me. If you want me to die, go with him to Maldives. If you want me to live longer, stay with me.

They say “Mothers know best” and I believe Annabelle when she says that all she wants is the best for her daughter. The thing is her message reeks of manipulative control. It reminds me of myself a few years ago when I freaked out over my daughter’s boyfriend. I said the same cheesy dramatic lines when I told her to stop seeing her boyfriend. Guilt-tripping never works. You can’t blame me or Annabelle for using guilt-trip because our parents also used the same tactic to control children’s behavior.

Look at these two scenarios I had with my daughter:

1. Sometime 2004

Me (in hysterical fit): I don’t like your boyfriend. He went onto you because your best friend busted him. He could do the same thing to you one day. I forbid you to see him. (starts being dramatic)

Daughter: No, he is not like that. Why should I stop seeing him?

Me: Because I said so and I have this gut feeling he will hurt you in the end. I am going to die early if you defy me. blah blah

Note the defensive reaction of my daughter. Well, Lauren actually stopped seeing the guy at home but behind my back, they saw each other at school or some place. A year later, I changed my parenting style and gave them freedom. Eventually , they broke up. And guess what? My gut feeling over the guy was true. (She explains the betrayal in this podcast)

2. A few days ago

Daughter: I have a crush. Click (url provided) to view his photo.

Me: (alarms start ringing as I see her crush surrounded by so many girls) Why does he have so many girls?

Daughter : I don’t know.

Actually if that was the old me, I ‘d say in a raised voice, “Lauren, this guy has way too many girls and you could just be just one of his collection. Don’t fall for him. yadda yadda”. Of course, I said nothing of that sort. I just made one measly observation hoping it’d ring alarms in her beautiful mind.

A few days , later I ask “how’s your crush?”

Daughter: Nothing . I don’t really like him. He has way too many girls.

Secretly, I smiled inside. She probably figured it out by herself . I didn’t need to make a “I don’t like him or I like him” statement. I didn’t need to feed her on my old guilt-trip habits. I didn’t need to be a controlling parent. I know that control is an illusion especially the kind of control I was trying to exert on my daughter’s love life in the past.

I allowed her to make her own choices.

Noemi Lardizabal-Dado (1346 Posts)

You may contact Noemi (noemidado @ gmail.com) for speaking and consultancy services in the following areas: Parenting in the Digital Age (includes pro-active parenting on cyber-bullying and bullying) ; Social Business ; Reinventing One’s Life; and social media engagement. Our parenting workshop is called "Prep to Prime (P2P): Parenting in the Digital Age (An Un­Workshop)" P2P Un­Workshops are conducted by two golden women in their prime, Noemi and Jane, who have a century’s worth of experience between them. They are both accomplished professionals who chose to become homemakers. This 180­degree turn also put them on a different life course which includes blogging, social media engagement and citizen advocacy. They call their un­workshops Prep to Prime or P2P, for short, to emphasize the breadth of their parenting experience. They tackle different aspects and issues of parenting ­­ from managing pregnancies, prepping for the school years of children, dealing with househelp, managing the household budget, to maximizing one’s prime life and staying healthy through the senior years.


About Noemi Lardizabal-Dado

You may contact Noemi (noemidado @ gmail.com) for speaking and consultancy services in the following areas: Parenting in the Digital Age (includes pro-active parenting on cyber-bullying and bullying) ; Social Business ; Reinventing One’s Life; and social media engagement. Our parenting workshop is called "Prep to Prime (P2P): Parenting in the Digital Age (An Un­Workshop)" P2P Un­Workshops are conducted by two golden women in their prime, Noemi and Jane, who have a century’s worth of experience between them. They are both accomplished professionals who chose to become homemakers. This 180­degree turn also put them on a different life course which includes blogging, social media engagement and citizen advocacy. They call their un­workshops Prep to Prime or P2P, for short, to emphasize the breadth of their parenting experience. They tackle different aspects and issues of parenting ­­ from managing pregnancies, prepping for the school years of children, dealing with househelp, managing the household budget, to maximizing one’s prime life and staying healthy through the senior years.

The comments posted on my blog are moderated. I reserve the right to remove comments, words or phrases that are defamatory, abusive, incite hatred and advertise an email address or commercial services or just plain spammy. I also reserve the right to remove posts that to my opinion are off-topic, irrelevant, ad-hominem, personal attacks and or just plain rude.
  • lemon

    Haha, Ms. Noemi, the thing with mothers is that daughters focus more on what we DON’T say or stop short of saying. Looking back, I remember that I would get hints from my Mama’s facial expressions or when she remained tight-lipped. That got my attention more than the “this guy looks like a playboy, blah blah”. I knew then that her maternal instincts were at work, so I should have the good sense to tread lightly.

    What an enlightening post,MS. Noemi.

  • http://aboutmyrecovery.com Noemi

    @lemon- yeah I figured that out. I learned the hard way.

  • http://ode2old.blogspot.com annamanila

    As my daughter would have said — hard to bring up mommy.

    I guess we can’t tell them what to do or forbid them from doing something. All we can offer is advice, point them to slices of life (true to life examples), etc. And of course PRAY PRAY PRAY. Most of all pray that all the values we tried so hard to inculcate in them carry them through difficult life and decision making.

    Yung kay Ruffa, I read that she’s a battered wife although they do not say explicitly. So its possible Annabel was begging her daughter to stay put here not rally for her own selfish wanting for her daughter to be near but for Ruffa’s own benefit.

  • http://www.lasedweb.net/blogs.htm evi

    i am a mother myself. i think we can never control our children’s decisions. we are solely here to guide them. we can never avoid them from the pains and struggles of life but we are here to comfort them.

  • http://feistymomma.com dexie

    i fint it interesting that in ruffa’s website there’s a post that’s asking people to grant them privacy, yet here she is and her mother in 2 different networks airing it all out. pinoy showbiz talaga oo.

  • http://mangopearl.blogspot.com/ Belle

    yes, annabelle’s comments sounded manipulative which certainly doesn’t do any good to ruffa who has been through a lot already. what she needs right now from her mother and siblings is their emotional support and understanding.

  • http://kwentongwalangkwenta.blogspot.com auee

    This is the sort of post that I take stock of from the PMN mommies. It’s good to read & learn from your experiences. I know experience is the best teacher but I want to arm myself with as much know-how as possible.

    Thanks.

  • http://dine.racoma.com.ph sexy mom

    i guess it is an art–perfecting one’s words, and being cool. i have to deal with 4 teenagers now, and i learn by the day, keeping in mind the experience with the 2 elder ones. they are all different personalities, what may work with one may not work with another. i try to be patient as much as i can.

    and yes, controlling will not work, no matter what good intentions we have. reverse psychology perhaps? but they are smart, they would know. the most difficult to deal with in children is “their feelings”, sometimes, they tend not to see our side.

  • yasha

    hi…

    i just want you to know your like my mom..:D.whom i adore so so much…
    maybe she’s doing what you are doing.hahaha.before she’d, in a way, grill me..but now she’d be nonchalant. it often leaves me wondering what she’s thinking about…in my point of view the whole guilt-trip thing parents to do often make me want to rebel….but these days i truly believe momma knows me more than i know myself!!!