This year is special for us. It’s our 40th wedding anniversary. But it’s also a poignant time, as it marks 25 years since our dear son passed away. To remember both these important times, we’re doing something special: walking the Camino de Santiago. Our hope is to reach the end of our walk on the anniversary of his Angel Date. There, we will pray for all our children and their loved ones, the wonderful blessings we’ve received throughout our 40 years together.
Well, the Camino de Santiago, or Way of St. James, is a network of ancient pilgrimage routes in Europe, particularly in Spain, leading to the cathedral of Santiago de Compostela. This is where tradition holds that the remains of the apostle James are buried. Pilgrims walk, cycle, or sometimes ride horseback to reach the cathedral, often for religious, spiritual, or recreational reasons. This will be a spiritual journey. We’re planning the easy walking for the last 100 kilometers, a shorter version. We will be on our own without a tour guide except for our google maps and notes. This was something we wanted to do even before we started our coffee farm, but life got in the way. And since we’re not getting any younger, it feels like the right time to do it while we can still walk well.
In my last post, I shared how much I miss my son. The pain will always be there because love never dies.
“Tears are the words the heart cannot express.” How poignant these words have become almost 25 years later. Losing a child is like having a piece of your soul ripped away. It’s a pain so profound it defies words, a constant ache that settles deep in your bones. It’s a hollowness that echoes, a silence where laughter and chatter used to be. It’s a future that vanished in an instant, replaced by a grief that reshapes everything. It’s a love with nowhere to go, a connection that’s been severed but not broken. It’s a wound that may heal slightly over time, but never truly closes. It’s the most indescribable feeling imaginable, a weight no one should ever bear.
This journey will also be a time to reflect about our lives, both the good things we’ve done and the times I could have done better. I know I can’t undo the past, but I pray for God’s grace and forgiveness so I can die peacefully one day.
I’m going to keep a diary during the Camino called “The Journey Within.” The first part is called “Expectations”:
What we expect can really change how we see things, and the Camino is the same. Before we start walking, it’s good to think about what we hope will happen. It’s normal to have hopes, but it’s also good to be open to whatever happens. I have three questions in my diary, but I’ll only share the first one:
What do I hope to get from walking the Camino? I hope to gain two things:
1. Experiencing a sense of pilgrimage: Even if I’m not strictly religious, the act of undertaking a journey with intention, facing challenges, and seeking something more profound has a spiritual dimension in itself. I’d hope to tap into that ancient tradition and feel a sense of pilgrimage in my steps.
2. Finding peace and acceptance: Life can be hard. I hope the Camino will be a place where I can heal, accept the things that have happened, and find a quiet peace inside. Having time to think and being with my husband, and probably getting support from other people walking might help.
The Camino’s slower rhythm and quiet paths offer a precious opportunity I long for: a chance to truly reflect on past mistakes, something often lost in the busyness of everyday life.
Just as we’re focusing on our spiritual readiness, we’re also making sure we’re physically up to the challenge.
Even though the Camino is like a gift for our wedding anniversary, I hope to receive other gifts from it too. I don’t know what my husband will get, but I think I will get these things:
1. The Gift of Clarity: The time for reflection often brings clarity on life’s questions, personal values, and future paths. I might gain a clearer understanding of what truly matters to me in my older years.
2. The Gift of Inner Peace: The simplicity of the journey, the connection with nature, and the letting go of daily stresses can lead to a profound sense of inner peace and calm.
3. The Gift of Resilience: Overcoming the physical and mental challenges of the Camino builds inner strength and a deeper belief in my own capabilities.
4. The Gift of Connection: The shared experience with fellow pilgrims fosters a unique sense of community and connection. Hopefully, I might forge deep and lasting friendships with people from all over the world.
5. The Gift of Self-Discovery: Stripped away from familiar roles and routines, I have the space to rediscover aspects of myself, my passions, and my inner landscape. I really don’t know how to continue our Agnep Coffee Farm as I get older.
6. The Gift of Gratitude: The simple pleasures of the Camino – a warm meal, a comfortable bed, a kind word – could cultivate a deeper sense of gratitude for the things I might usually take for granted.
7. The Gift of Letting Go: The physical act of carrying only what I need can be a metaphor for letting go of emotional baggage, past hurts, and unnecessary worries.
8. The Gift of Presence: The rhythm of walking and the beauty of the surroundings can help me become more present in each moment, appreciating the here and now.
9. The Gift of Perspective: Stepping outside of my usual environment and routines can offer a fresh perspective on my life back home, my challenges, and my priorities.
10. The Gift of Spiritual Growth: I am aware the Camino can be a catalyst for spiritual reflection, leading to a deeper connection with myself and the world around me.
Marking our 40th anniversary, our Camino will be a time to hold our daughters and their families, and our son, close in our hearts. Even after 25 years, the love for my dear Luijoe lives on within me, a testament to how love for our children never dies.