Beware abusive men

“You provoked me”, the wife-beater smugly said.

“It is still no reason to hit me” protested the wife.

This is a common conversation that occurs between the wife beater and the [tag]abused woman[/tag]. Wife beaters have a specific pattern that can be seen early in a relationship.

Abusive men often are highly romantic, sweet and protective early in their relationships. They lavish their women gifts during courtship. For them, women are trophies to be won over and objects to possess, and not people to enter equal partnerships with.

This cycle of abuse can be broken if women know how to empower themselves. The new law, Republic Act (RA) 9262 ““Anti-Violence Against Women and Children is not against men. It is against men who treat their women as property.

The following is a true story of how Republic Act (RA) 9262 is working for a battered wife, a close friend who narrated the following events to me (names and certain situations changed):

Maria, a businesswoman has been a battered wife for 15 years. She’s married to a successful engineer who is soft-spoken and a Sto. Nino devotee. Who would have imagined that she silently suffered from physical and verbal abuse all these years? I would have never thought and even her own family. Her sister knew of her predicament just recently and got referred to GABRIELA, the same women’s group that lobbied for the law to be passed. GABRIELA, in turn advised her to help Maria file for a protection order. But Maria would hear none of it.

Nooo. It was my fault anyway.

How embarassing.

What will the neighbors think?

I’m a failure.

I can still take it.

Maria coined a lot of excuses.

The battered wife thought that the law will never work but she promised her sister that if her husband resumes his abusive behavior, she will consider the filing of criminal charges.

Everything was nice and dandy for almost a year until her husband succumbed to work-related pressures. That night , he drank way too many beers and just threw a fist at Maria’s head without provocation.

Maria saw stars spinning as the blow hit her. Steadying herself, she stood up and ran out of the house. Her husband repeatedly hit her in the arms as she vainly struggled to set free from his hold. In her hurry, she forgot to bring money and her cellphone. She also left her teenage daughter. In desperation, Maria dashed to the barangay office to file a complaint. She remembered RA 9262. Immediately after hearing her complaint, three barangay tanods accompanied her to the house.

“They responded to my plea” she thought.

The barangay tanods negotiated with the husband to allow Maria to enter the house peacefully and get her things.

The next day , she filed for a Barangay Protection Order (BPO) and got it within the hour. Maria went to the East Medical Center earlier and acquired a medico -legal certification which she showed to the barangay captain.

The BPO was served to the husband. Enraged, “How dare she do this to me? How dare she destroy my good name?

Fearing the wrath of her husband, Maria worried for her future safety. That’s when she decided to file for Temporary Protection Order (TPO). Maria was accompanied by a barangay worker to the Women’s Assistance Desk at the Police Station where the policewoman (in civilian clothes) prepared her statement. She was told to reproduce 10 copies of the complaint, together with the medico-legal findings, the BPO, the barangay blotter and submit it to the Fiscal’s office.

Would you believe it? She was granted her TPO within the day.

Together with a court order, law enforcers visited their conjugal home and ordered the husband to pack up his things and leave the house. After being reassured that her husband already left peacefully, only then did Maria re-enter her home.

Criminal proceedings will follow suit. The protection orders are not a guarrantee that Maria will be safe but it will be a deterrent for the husband. Violation of the TPO is punishable with a fine ranging from Five Thousand Pesos (P5,000.00) to Fifty Thousand Pesos (P50,000.00) and/or imprisonment of six (6) months.

Aside from physical abuse, the law also protects women from , psychological or emotional, sexual violence and economic abuse.

So battered or abused women, don’t despair. Be empowered. There is hope. Even if skeptical of the law or afraid of your abusive partner, be prepared for a SAFETY PLAN.

Here are valuable resources from Atty Bing Guanzon and Atty. Adrian Sison:

  • The Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Act of 2004 (Republic Act No. 9262) – Salient Features Published in The Practice.
  • Know the Law – A Primer on Republic Act No. 9262
  • Martel vs. Martel – Petition for Review in the Department of Justice.
  • Judge Rebecca Mariano issued a Temporary Protection Order on May 4, 2005, the first Protection Order to be issued under the Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Act of 2004 or Republic Act No. 9262.

  • Safety Plan for Abused Persons – The plan shows steps for increasing the wife’s safety and preparing in advance for the possibility for further violence.
  • Noemi Lardizabal-Dado (1346 Posts)

    You may contact Noemi (noemidado @ gmail.com) for speaking and consultancy services in the following areas: Parenting in the Digital Age (includes pro-active parenting on cyber-bullying and bullying) ; Social Business ; Reinventing One’s Life; and social media engagement. Our parenting workshop is called "Prep to Prime (P2P): Parenting in the Digital Age (An Un­Workshop)" P2P Un­Workshops are conducted by two golden women in their prime, Noemi and Jane, who have a century’s worth of experience between them. They are both accomplished professionals who chose to become homemakers. This 180­degree turn also put them on a different life course which includes blogging, social media engagement and citizen advocacy. They call their un­workshops Prep to Prime or P2P, for short, to emphasize the breadth of their parenting experience. They tackle different aspects and issues of parenting ­­ from managing pregnancies, prepping for the school years of children, dealing with househelp, managing the household budget, to maximizing one’s prime life and staying healthy through the senior years.


    About Noemi Lardizabal-Dado

    You may contact Noemi (noemidado @ gmail.com) for speaking and consultancy services in the following areas: Parenting in the Digital Age (includes pro-active parenting on cyber-bullying and bullying) ; Social Business ; Reinventing One’s Life; and social media engagement. Our parenting workshop is called "Prep to Prime (P2P): Parenting in the Digital Age (An Un­Workshop)" P2P Un­Workshops are conducted by two golden women in their prime, Noemi and Jane, who have a century’s worth of experience between them. They are both accomplished professionals who chose to become homemakers. This 180­degree turn also put them on a different life course which includes blogging, social media engagement and citizen advocacy. They call their un­workshops Prep to Prime or P2P, for short, to emphasize the breadth of their parenting experience. They tackle different aspects and issues of parenting ­­ from managing pregnancies, prepping for the school years of children, dealing with househelp, managing the household budget, to maximizing one’s prime life and staying healthy through the senior years.

    The comments posted on my blog are moderated. I reserve the right to remove comments, words or phrases that are defamatory, abusive, incite hatred and advertise an email address or commercial services or just plain spammy. I also reserve the right to remove posts that to my opinion are off-topic, irrelevant, ad-hominem, personal attacks and or just plain rude.
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    • http://samsara.ihostyou.com Samsara

      Thank you for this powerful article. Bless you.

    • MISAEL

      it is hight time that our women and children should be protected from men who masquerading as sheeps but are in truth vicious wolves inside such skin…

      this sector of our citizenry must be protected from the the abusive men who alledged themselves to be loving fathers, husbands, and lovers…

    • http://aboutmyrecovery.com Noemi

      @samsara: Thanks for the visit. I will continue reading your blog

      @Misael: I think there are so many abusive men in our country. The battered wife is too ashamed to report such cases,

    • Twinkle

      I’m a victim of domestic violence for 10 years, though my husband did not physically hit me, but the emotional and psycholigical pain is so deep. For all women out there, dont be a victim, fight for your rights, we deserve to be treated well. For the batterers for them its just a vicious cycle, they will never change. Learn to love yourself.

    • jme

      husband who are infaithul to thier wives, beware!

    • i am now lost at 27

      i am a child of a mother who filed RA 9262 against my father. yes it is really useful for her. she used the law so well that my dad was thrown away from home and the trial goes she continue to renew the TPO. now we are waiting for the right decision of the court to come out.

      my mother said that she went to the baranagay that night when the incident happened, and she brought with her the recorded argument my parents had along with two other witnesses and the barangay issued the BPO on april. but what is really odd about it the incident happened in march and the affidavit is dated march but the signature of the kapitan in BPO is april already. she told the court that she asked for an extension to serve the BPO because she has to attend to the preparation for the holy week. try to analyze this because from the time the BPO was served, my mother was allowed to file a case against my father in the RTC and prsecutor’s office. with things happened that way, the TPO was served on april as well.

      why there was no confrontation in the barangay in the first place? why was no investigation took place? is it because there is no such thing in that RA? how can they issue the TPO without verying what really happened?How can they allow the woman to abuse this law? how about verification? what is this? how about us? i know we are not considered as children anymore in that act but we have the right to say something before ordering the TPO. but we were heard after the TPO was served. the damage is done already and now the control is in my mother’s hand.

      what happened is that my mother provoked my father. but my father is a real gentleman and he loves us so much that he never hurt her. he will never do that because he listens to us that always be aware that my mother is cooking something up but we just do know how she will serve it. so my father continued to take care of our business that makes us live pretty well. but my mother is really a shopaholic person and always wants money all the time even she always get money from the business without being confronted by my father. at times my father will ask her for what purpose is she going to spend the money but my mother is always angry when he asks. arguments arises and my fahter will just let it go just by thinking about us he could settle down. so it goes for the longest time. the root of all this is that my mother is living with another man and he is actually living with us since i was 7y/o. the guy packed his things from here (house in manila) when the case started just this year. my mother is the dominant one in the couple. she knows how to use her womanhood. she tells us that the guy she invited over has been left by his wife for another man. actually that guy is a lawyer and my godfather in christening. during the times he helped my family in some legal matters that my mother invited him over to our house and provided him a guestroom. (this is the best example why utang na loob is a not a good deed, i was confused then when my university taught us that this attitude is not something to be proud of) at first, my father is hesitant but my mother explained to my father in a charismatic manner that we can return the favor by providing shelter everytime he needs one. out of pity, my father agreed at first. but he the other guy frequented our place, he frequently sleeps in our house until he resides along with his clothes and things. then there are so many times that i caught them hugging and kissing (i am as young as 7). i am really afraid of my mother due to her dominancy and her bad words. when the guy caught my presence while he is caressing my mother’s butt, my mother firmly told me not to tell my dad or else it will be my fault to be like the family of the other guy, broken family. that was when i was only around 7 or 8 y/o. my father is under de saya because of that attitude which is equals to give respect to the woman and besides the woman never accepts reasons. she always has the last words in every conversation or argument and her words are perfect that nobody can contradict her. she always tell bad things about my father that i actually pretend to believe because there is no room for contradicting her stories. my mother often beats me everytime i fail to obey her or i fail to do what she wants me to do. i grew up being clumsy all the time especially when i hear her voice and calling my name, my body will tremble. everytime i happen to brake things i will always think what she will do to me if she find out. it never fails that i get beaten or shouted at when she discovered that i break something. it feels like i am not good in taking of things, how will i take care of myself? that is why i can’t stand on my own if bad things happened. she make it sure we always need her and nobody can ever help us but her and the other guy not even my father who is under de saya. i think i have trauma in hearing my mother’s voice and seeing her attitude as very good in lying, making up stories and destroying other people’s reputation. she is a person who knows how to act very well. she avoids people who are a threat to her in exposing their elicit relationship. she will tell things to us about the relatives of my father resulting to guilt in our part not to see them no matte what happens so that we will not give our mother a chance to attck their reputation again. again we just listen to her and we pretend to believe her. once we open our mouth with contradiction, she will get angry and assume that we favor my father’s side and again she will start her false stories about how my father’s family treated her badly. we cannot confirm it until the case came up because this is the only time that we started to talk with my father’s siblings freely. without the influence of my mother’s lies, we can hear the side of their story now. she really made up the bad stories about them because we are not telling them what she told us at first to give clarity. we told them the things she told us after their stories.

      if you would ask me what did my father do, he will confront my mother and it is really obvious to me that he does not like what my mother is doing. upon confrontation my mother is verbally violent and she will use God’s name when the confrontation gets often. she used that on us too. and everytime we asked about the other guy’s presence in our house she will preach us that make us say no more.

      i would not see my father hug my mother nor caress her. when i get older i realized that what my father is doing is just right because that shows that he does not tolerate what my mother is doing. and he can feel it that he could not trust her. but still he would give up his firmness whenever my mother ask money from him and use us as the reason for asking for the money. at the same time my mother will still sneak in and get money from the drawer aside from the money she had asked.

      having read these words, “How embarassing.

      What will the neighbors think? I’m a failure.”, these words are few of my father’s concerns in life. so he focused on supporting the family and his children. he actually does not have the courage to get them caught in the act, and we the children never told our father the details of their acts until this case come. in 2005, i told my father about my mother and the other guy that they are sleeping in the same room. my father knows that the guy is living with us here in manila but whenever he would try to ask us and he will wait for us to tell him what is going on, he gets nothing from us. we are really afraid of the guy because he is a lawyer and our father is an idiot. the other guy acts really kind to us of course. my mother always seek his help in every way. and we are always hopeful that things will change eventually at least if that time comes my father will not be aware of the fact that my mother and the other guy really had contact skin to skin with each other. i am giving my mother a room for dignity. we were three in the family, i have two brothers. back then we were young and still busy in our studies. but we are just feeling each other’s thoughts. my siblings and i are just preparing our own future and we plan to get away from this hell of a family ties. we wanted to raise ourselves without the influence of our mother since she never gives us the chance to make ourselves independent as early as we get old. she wanted us to be dependent forever, now i understand why, because she wanted us stick with her because she can get everything she wants. now that she had used the RA 9262, the TPO allowed her to take over the house and the store and we are not allowed by her to stay there because she is actually afraid of letting us know what is her next move. all our maids and helpers we helpless and now that she is holding the money that feeds them and us, the helpers and maids stayed with her. even the helpers do not allow us to enter the premises, we are treated as if we are a total stranger. i could not bear it. my father’s sweat and heartaches are incomparable. the worst is that my mother is treating us like enemies because we testified in our father side. for what? to tell the truth, and expose the deepest secrets that we the children knows and nothing more.

      right now, my younger brother (22y/o) and i are living in our mortgaged townhouse and my mother who took over everything is selling our house. her accomplice is the maid who is taking care of this house. my mother do not give us allowance from the store she took over, my father has no income. we get our support form my older brother in ireland, and some help from my uncle and aunties.

      i can’t get a job because of my worries about what will my mother will do next? she is really restless in pinning down my dad and us as well. she won’t stop spreading bad stories about us. yes, we have not escaped from her compositions. she is protecting this other guy very well and she will tell people that how embarrassing it is to that guy lawyer. that he is not a part of this problem and he not doing anything wrong, my goodness! she really is not concern about us and embarrassed at all in front of us. but for that guy she will do everything she can.

      what can you say about this?

    • refin

      I personally believe that this is good for the benefit of those “abused” women and child. I am a single mother who have a 2-yr-old toddler. My former boyfriend rejected marriage. The least that he could do is provide adequate financial assistance. But he would just give milk (AND ONLY MILK) at his own discretion. He has caused me a lot of pain and stress as well.

    • SEL

      it’s time for every abused woman to step up. I was in an abusive relationship. physical, verbal, psychological abuse. I was punched and shoved out of a moving vehicle. i was defamed in public how many times. now i stand to my decision of filing a case, I almost died in his hands in many different occasions. the warrant was just served recently. I personally joined the police during the arrest yesterday. He was still arrogant, no remorse at all. Why would I bother have second thoughts in pursuing this? This is an all go. In God’s will he will be prosecuted and jailed to pay for the crime he commited.

    • ems

      I hope RA 9262 could help me. My husband works in a very high position in the UN. We have received emotional abuses from him, Even to the point of introducing his mistresses and other kids to his own children