The Lessons of Pain

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filipina
“Dear, if you google Sexy Filipina, I am on the first page.

“Whaaaaa?” My husband looked horrified.

Then I added “Try googling for Sexy Filipina Mom too and my blog is number 1″

I wasn’t about to see my husband choke on his coffee so , I quickly related about the Reshaping The Filipina Image Campaign through our blog entries.

“Isn’t it better for my blog to appear on the first page of those keywords instead of dating, mail order brides, exotic young Pinay babes or porno websites?

My husband agreed.

See, when I first read about the furor over the Sexy Mom internet handle, I thought it best to get over my disappointmet and turn it into a positive statement. The Smart and Sexy Mom herself wrote the entry, A Closure, A New Beginning–Reshaping the Online and Sexy Filipina Image.

That’s what I call turning a pain into something positive. There is a lesson when we are confronted with pain. Something big is being worked out in us.

There are an abundant of sources of pain in our life. Most of us grew up recovering from unresolved pain from the past. We have feelings sometimes from early childhood to the present that either hurt too much to feel or that we had no support to deal with.

Inevitable sources of pain enter our life. Sadness and grief comes along when we experience change as we let go of one aspect of our life and begin our journey into the new. There is pain in recovery like my own grief recovery because I allow myself to feel while dropping that protective shield of denial. There is pain that leads and guides us into better choices for our future.

I had many options to stop pain but some of them were temporary pain relievers which did not really stop my pain but merely postponed it.

How then can we stop our pain and turn it around for the better?

1. Find the courage to feel the pain. Trust that if you must feel pain , it is part of healing and it’s a good thing.

2. When you are ready , let it go and let the pain move you forward into a new decision , a better life.

3. If applicable, stop those behaviors we are doing that cause pain .

3. Remove yourself from situations that cause repeated, similar pain.

4. Trust that there is a lesson to be learned from the pain. Something is being worked out in us.

A few instances of pain turned me around . I will mention just a few examples:

1. My mom once told me that I will grow up to be like her sister (who married young, pregnant and with 3 lovers). Everytime I would answer her back, “See you will be like your Auntie….” . How I hated to be labeled like that!?! Just because I was a rebellious teen doesn’t make me that kind of person. I decided I will not be the woman my mom envisioned me to be. I grew up to be a responsible teenager.

2. You know of course the pain about losing my son. I turned it around by offering comfort to others with similar pain. My husband and I will soon launch a foundation in honor of our son once we are able to raise the funds.

3. My wonderful sister in law once berated me that my marriage was sick because of me, ignoring the fact that her brother (right in front of her ) was hurling ugly words at me. Of course I applied the Republic Act (RA) 9262 ““Anti-Violence Against Women and Children . Tough Love , right? Enough said.

What about you? Was there any instance in the past that made you turn around to new behaviors or a new life? If you have a past entry, please post it the comments section and I will link it in this blog entry. I want to inspire others that in pain, there is hope that good feelings are just on the other side of the fence.

Asides, I bought a new toy to dabble with during my working hours.

desktop computer
Read all about it in my shopping blog at My Home Office Small Office Desktop Rig

Noemi Lardizabal-Dado (1352 Posts)

You may contact Noemi (noemidado @ gmail.com) for speaking and consultancy services in the following areas: Parenting in the Digital Age (includes pro-active parenting on cyber-bullying and bullying) ; Social Business ; Reinventing One’s Life; and social media engagement. Our parenting workshop is called "Prep to Prime (P2P): Parenting in the Digital Age (An Un­Workshop)" P2P Un­Workshops are conducted by two golden women in their prime, Noemi and Jane, who have a century’s worth of experience between them. They are both accomplished professionals who chose to become homemakers. This 180­degree turn also put them on a different life course which includes blogging, social media engagement and citizen advocacy. They call their un­workshops Prep to Prime or P2P, for short, to emphasize the breadth of their parenting experience. They tackle different aspects and issues of parenting ­­ from managing pregnancies, prepping for the school years of children, dealing with househelp, managing the household budget, to maximizing one’s prime life and staying healthy through the senior years.


About Noemi Lardizabal-Dado

You may contact Noemi (noemidado @ gmail.com) for speaking and consultancy services in the following areas: Parenting in the Digital Age (includes pro-active parenting on cyber-bullying and bullying) ; Social Business ; Reinventing One’s Life; and social media engagement. Our parenting workshop is called "Prep to Prime (P2P): Parenting in the Digital Age (An Un­Workshop)" P2P Un­Workshops are conducted by two golden women in their prime, Noemi and Jane, who have a century’s worth of experience between them. They are both accomplished professionals who chose to become homemakers. This 180­degree turn also put them on a different life course which includes blogging, social media engagement and citizen advocacy. They call their un­workshops Prep to Prime or P2P, for short, to emphasize the breadth of their parenting experience. They tackle different aspects and issues of parenting ­­ from managing pregnancies, prepping for the school years of children, dealing with househelp, managing the household budget, to maximizing one’s prime life and staying healthy through the senior years.

  • Hi Noemi. I agree that in order to get through pain, one has to confront the emotion. Sometimes, I find it hard to do this. I have a bad habit of denying myself from pain by keeping myself busy. My defense mechanism is going into denial. I know that it is not healthy because no matter how I avoid it, the feelings are bound to come out.

  • Yes, Noemi and everyone, we’re now googling our way up. Whole front page for Filipina Sexy Mom is all about our crusade. And this is good news!

  • Great feat everyone :). Wake-up call to all those pervs.

  • Hi! I tried commenting on the PC setup post but when I hit Submit, I got 404 Not Found.

  • go go go sexy filipina mom! great post! an inspiration to all of us. and your computer is wow! tulo=laway tuloy ako!

  • Tita Noemi, you are really something else (read: I am big, big fan). Thanks for being just being you. You make Filipinas proud. 🙂

  • wow! Mac now has a towering brother (or is it a sister) to look up to.

  • @Rach- practice makes perfect

    @Dexie- lets keep it going. I noticed you placed the Filipina link on the main page which is an excellent idea.

    @miguel- I forgot I removed the comment page.

    @cess- hehe i am still getting used to the size of the monitor

    @tofubaby- thank you for always visiting my blog. Thanks for being you too. Let’s spread the campaign

    @sexy mom- yes the big brother.

  • Hi, noemi! You never stop inspiring me. I have had so much hurt in the past. Most of it from being raised alone by my mom. I posted a couple of entries in my first month but I didn’t dwell on the pain instead on my mom’s strength.

  • @sassy mom- Your mom must be a pillar of strength. It’s good you had her during those most difficult times of your life.

  • AnitoKid

    After more than a decade of a happy marriage, the foundation of my family was rocked when my first love and I were in each other’s arms again.

    It was not intentional. It was not planned. She left her husband and two of her children for me. I tried talking her out of it and explained to her that things cannot be undone once we elope. That we should be happy with the time that we could have with each other. She was persistent and left her husband and came here to Manila. All I could do was find a place for her and her youngest.

    As the months went on, things became different. Despite giving her everything that she needs to live well and comfortably, I was surprised when she asked me to leave my children for her. It came to a point that she got hold of 4 of my 5 ATM cards and a set of my car keys. To hell with my ATM cards and keys! Not my children! They have done me no wrong. And deep inside, I knew that leaving my children would be the greatest mistake I can ever commit.

    The ultimate decision to finaly rectify my mistake came one Sunday afternoon when I was with my closeness. I was in one of my offices with my closeness when my mobile phone rang – it was my first love. She convinced me to hand the phone over to my closeness (yeah, she seems to have that power over me – like an emotional vampire or something).

    I put the cell in loud speaker mode. My closeness answered all her queries – politely. She calmly stood there, answering the queries, asking quetions herself, and listening. My closeness did not show any form of anger. Nor she showed any signs that she was upset. Nor did she shed a tear.

    After the call, I explained to my closeness that I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. That I am not the cool Dad they believe and everybody says that I am. That I am seeing another woman, my first love. That this woman is asking me to leave them for her. And that I do not want to continue the relationahip anymore. That I will die, little by little, if I leave my kids for her.

    My closeness hugged me. Silently hugged me for some time, which seemed like eternity. She did not try to convince me of anything. She just hugged me.

    “I trust you, Dad. And I love you so much. You’re still the 4C Dad to us.”

    “I love you more anak. Much much more,” I said. “I will rectify my mistakes – try to put everything in order.”

    “Shhh! It’s okay, Dad. You don’t have to explain. I trust you and I love you, Dad. I will respect your decision – and we will continue to respect you. You are my Dad. Our Dad. Nobody can take away that fact. I want you to be happy, Dad. I love you, Dad.”

    I just looked at her. Silently looked at her. In the end, it was I, the so-called coolest Dad in my children’s book, who shed a tear.

    And how I rectified my mistakes – that is for another day, my friend.

    And oh! Did I tell you that at the time of the phone call, my closeness was just in the fifth grade? Yes, she was. And i kid you not!

    A-Kid at http://www.anitokid.blogspot.com

    • leeda

      GOD be with you always in decision making,,,,,GOD is good all the time u are so blessed for having such wonderful kids,,,,imissed my husband he is a cool dad also and once cheated on me,,,but with the love of the LORD we were able to fixed it, though we are far from each other for he works in other country my trust is still there, for i know in my heart that with the love of the LORD, he will remain faithful to me & to my kids,,,,though i do not know you personally i know that you will come up with a heavens decision. GOD speed!!!

  • Nice to read this post…Me and my husband have been maried for a year and we haven’t had a baby …My husband’s fertility test result wasn’t too good….Doctor said than we can have children only by in vitro fertilisation. This was sound so disappointing to us at first…But this also teach us how to love each other no matter what we are. We still feels like two young people who just start falling in love until now. Go anywhere together, enjoying most our time only bot of us.That’s the positive side…But, anyway we also still waiting for God’s miracle to give us a baby.

  • Wifey

    H….
    Actually at the moment, Im very confused coz just recently when my husband asked for separation or annulment(only by the phone,coz im working abroad). its really hard to move on like this. His family dont like me either that’s why my husband decision came out like this.
    But when I read this posted article. I got inspired. Im telling to myself that its not the end of the world. I need to move on w/ my life w/ help of God & my family.

  • Gel Celiz

    Hi,

    I badly need help. 3 years ago my husband left me for another woman. It hurts me so much seeing how happy they are right now and that I am still living miserably and I couldn’t take it anymore. I want them to suffer and I know this is wrong but I am using my daughter against my ex husband because that’s all I know that will really hurt him. I have been so desperate trying to threaten him and his mistress to kill myself and my daughter or to kill both of their families. I know I am becoming insane and I couldn’t help it. Yes, it has been 3 years but I couldn’t still forget the pain. I couldn’t even accept the mistakes I did that was mentioned to me by my ex husband when I asked him why he left. We both have faults but by the time that I was alone with my daughter, I just realized all the things that I should have done before when I still had my husband.

    I want them to suffer more than the pain that I have experienced. All I can think of is revenge for both of them. I know it hurts to admit that I have been living miserably and I include my daughter with my misery but I couldn’t help it. Although I am thankful that I was given a great job right now and think that I have gone farther than them but knowing how my husband is happier with that woman, how he’s so contented with his life now and how he’s been a very good provider to them than us before all because I was preventing him before to do what he really wants that would be the best for all of us because I was thinking that he’s being selfish and irresponsible of he has do things his way and I was totally wrong and mad at myself too because I was not able to give him that chance and to think that I was being selfish.

    I am mad at them and with myself at the same time. I always think that if I my daughter’s not with me? I should have killed myself already. My husband is very right and I hated so much to accept that it’s the truth. I have more time of thinking how to destroy and ruin their lives than to spend more of time with my daughter. I know what I must have to do. I go to church every Sunday and ask the Lord to take away the pain and pray for very bad karma to the people who hurt me and my daughter. All along I am thinking this is what’s right for me and my daughter even others say that it’s not but all I can think of is the right thing to do is to hurt them too. I can feel in my heart that somewhere, somehow this is very wrong but I don’t know how to stop! I need help! Please! All I can think of is to kill myself or kill them to take away the pain and hatred and bitterness in my heart!