Are you a yeller? — How to yell less and love more

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yell

Me. I lovingly say soothing words with matching hugs and kisses when I wake the two younger children around 5am during school days. Twenty minutes after that, I yell at them “Baka dumating na ang service hindi pa kayo tapos, hindi pa nakakain ng breakfast. Dalian nyo na! Blah…blah…blah…” in the effort to hurry them up because they haven’t eaten breakfast yet and the school service is already waiting at the gate. Yes, I have done this, at 5:30am. Tsk.
BJ, a teenager. “I hate it when my mom yells. She makes me feel like I’m stupid. The more she yells, the more I want to do what she doesn’t want me to do. Talking to me and not yelling is better because the more she yells, the more I shut down my brain and stop listening to her.”
HK, a pre-teen. “Natatakot ako pag sumisigaw si Mama ko. Parang lagi na lang mali ang ginagawa ko. Baka sa galit niya pag sumisigaw siya, masaktan niya ako.”
YA, office worker. “Our boss is a yeller. He loses his temper quickly and does not hesitate to yell at anyone of us if we make a mistake. Sana kung ginagawa niya yun in private, eh hindi, sa harap pa ng mga officemates namin. We are not happy in the office anymore. We are thinking of a mass resignation, para matauhan siya.”

Why yell when you can perfectly say your piece in peace?

We have yelled for a thousand different reasons but first and foremost of these reasons would be because we want to assert that, yes, we are right and that the other person is wrong.

We yell because we want to prove a point and get our message across.
We yell because we want to be heard.
We yell because we feel superior to the one we are yelling at.
We yell because we are in a hurry and the others are slowing us down.
Why, we even yell virtually when we use ALL CAPS and end these with a lot of !!!!!
Sometimes we yell just because …

On the other hand, have you ever been yelled at?

Do you like the feeling of being yelled at, whether you made a mistake or not?

Do you feel small and want the ground to open up and swallow you to escape being yelled at?

Do you feel like yelling back? Do you want to hit the person yelling at you? Or do you just turn your back before you do something you’d regret later?

No matter what the circumstances are, being yelled at is not something we look forward to — not at the receiving end, ever.

Do you remember the last time you were yelled at?

How did you feel? Check all that applies below:

o Disrespected
o Ashamed
o Angry
o Misunderstood
o Afraid
o Lonely
o Rebellious
o Frustrated
o Hurt
o Guilty

Mothers who yell

Mothers are known to yell at their children, whether to ask them to hurry up, or to finish whatever tasks they are doing. More often than not, mothers yell to be heard and to stress a point especially if there is discord among the brood. Yelling for the children to brush their teeth is at times unavoidable but to add some words that demean them and hurt their feelings is definitely unnecessary.

To habitually yell at the children when there is no reason to will create a lot of negativity. At the end of the day, mothers who habitually yell feel guilty and sometimes fall all over themselves to correct what they have done.  However, since they are so used to yelling, the next day finds them back to the same yelling cycle.

Yelling makes children feel inferior and mentally anguished at not being able to live up to the expectations and standards that their mother (or father) has for them.  Children who are in the teenage years are as vulnerable to being yelled  at as much as the younger children. On the bridge to maturity, these teens will carry the burden of insecurity as they meet other teens outside the home setting. Yelling is detrimental to the sound development of teenagers.

Habitual yelling

Yelling, name-calling and swearing are not ways to solve conflicts. Habitual reactions that include yelling breaks down a person’s inhibitions and may draw out harmful tendencies that do not manifest when there is peace and quiet. Habits are patterns that are easy to repeat but difficult to break. Yelling breeds hostility that is harmful not just to others but to the person himself, alienating him from loved ones he may not have a real intention to hurt.

We feel guilty for yelling at others, especially if the reason is trivial and could have been talked through in a quiet manner.

Alternatives to yelling

It is difficult not to yell especially when we feel pressed for time, tired and stressed. It takes a lot of will power to refrain from habitual yelling, but over time, it can be done. How?

o Cool off by staying physically away from the situation and assessing what needs to be said and done.
o Count to ten or even up to fifty.
o Breathe deeply before saying anything.
o Put a hand on your mouth to keep yourself from yelling.
o Think of how hurtful it is when being yelled at.
o Ask others to give you a heads up once they feel like you are about to yell.
o Plan ahead to avoid mishaps.

Breaking the yelling cycle is not easy

Life is too short to be spent in a continuous state of being upset. We should fill our hearts with joy and love and not hurt and pain. There will always be missing socks and spilled water but living in peace and harmony, in as much as we can try to achieve is more important.

Are we ready to take the challenge to yell less and love more?

Let’s save our voices for situations that need us to really yell like “Run!!!” or “Fire!!!”

 

Photo: from flickr, some rights reserved

 

As originally posted by Julie Fuertes on the Philippine Online Chronicles.

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  • I love this piece. Somehow, we all know this but soMetimes, we need things to be said to our face to realize what is wrong. This piece sort of “yelled” at me in a good way and reminded me I need not to yell.