How to mend the broken heart of your daughter

Posted by in Grief, Parenting Tips | 17 comments


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Healing_a_broken_heart.jpgRemember how we mothers ease the pain of our toddler’s scraped knee? I remember blowing the wound and caressing my little girl’s leg…. “There it will go away now” . My little girl would then wail “baaand-aiiiid” thinking the band-aid can patch the pain. What happens when this little girl is now an adult, nursing a broken heart? How can a band-aid now patch the gaping hole in her heart?

Yesterday night, my daughter went home from her dorm. She informed me beforehand that she had a problem but she will tell me in person. My husband and I couldn’t sleep thinking it could be serious. Eventually we lifted our worries to God and soon fell into a deep slumber. What could we do anyway at 12 midnight?

We broke off! I stared at my lovely daughter with her sad eyes upon me as I sat on her bed.

Oh no was all I could say. I couldn’t believe it. The boy was just at our home last weekend. They had been together for more than 2 years. But then, I also recalled Butch and I broke off on our second year. I had outgrown him. I was already a working girl and he still had to graduate from his bachelor’s degree (he is younger than me). I tried to recall the pain of breaking up and what I did to alleviate it. Doing something new and keeping busy was what kept me going.

I told her that her dad and I had two break-ups in our 7 year steady relationship. “Relationships are not easy, my dear. It hurts because you love him. You are going to grieve the loss of a relationship. Feelings of sadness , anger, acceptance and moving on will be part of the healing process. Just like I often say to the newly bereaved parents, you will start looking for your “new normal”. A life without your loved one. That is the moving on phase where you live the life of being single again. The “we” that was there before is now broken.” I didn’t have to talk much as all she wanted was my unconditional love.

“I’ll enroll you in that pottery class every weekend. Try something new.“, I suggested.

She warmed up to the idea. “that sounds like a great activity that I can start“.

I know she will need to figure things out for herself without mommy. Her mommy can only hug her and say “things will be better. Keep on praying for guidance”

I love you mom.

My heart breaks as I see her forlorn expression.

Unfortunately, I can’t mend her broken heart. She is grieving the loss. The “band-aid” she needs is just within her reach. In time , she will heal. I believe the terms “grieving” and “healing” are synonymous. As she grieves, she heals.



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  • http://simplyabbie.com abbie

    I could imagine the pain of your daughter. My boyfriend and I are almost 6 years together now and yes we did almost call it quits for numerous times now. I guess that phase is just normal when one’s relationship grows. Your daughter again is very lucky to have you there beside her in times like that.

  • lemon

    oh no.but then again, how blessed she is to have you around at this time.it might seem impossible to her right now, but, as sure as there is tomorrow, the sun will shine again with lauren wiser and raring to face the world.

  • http://aboutmyrecovery.com Noemi

    @abbie- breaking up is something big at this stage in her life

    @lemon- i am glad she trust me enough to share her low moments in her life.

  • http://babygael.blogspot.com mommy

    Hi. I’ve been following your blog for some time now.

    I admire you. You must be a really cool and really good mom. Not all daughters open up to their moms like yours did. I wish my son would be close to me as your daughters are close to you.

    I also admire you for getting strength from the loss of your son. I read his website some time back and I couldn’t stop trying. I wouldn’t know what I’d do without my Gael. Part of my prayers every night is begging the Lord to let me enjoy the company of my family for many, many, many more years.

    Thanks for your wonderful insights. You’re a source of inspiration for new moms like me.

  • http://babygael.blogspot.com mommy

    what i meant was CRYING…I couldn’t stop CRYING…not trying…sorry…

  • http://aboutmyrecovery.com Noemi

    @mommy- my daughter doesn’t really open up to me all the time. I think only during major crisis like this, she needed to let me know.

    thanks for the kind words. Let’s just enjoy what life can bring one day at a time.

  • http://lawandbadminton.blogspot.com/ ladybug

    All you can do is pray for your daughter. I know she’ll survive this crisis.

  • http://www.caringbridge.org/tx/adrienne Donalacasa

    I’m also a berieved mom. My firstborn daughter died suddenly of a brain tumor 3 years ago. She had just turned 13, so I didn’t get to go through this teenage rollercoaster with her. Daughter number 2 is 20-months younger and is now 15 years old. A boy she has been in love with since she was a little girl has now broken up with her for the second time. I wish I could bear her pain for her. Between missing the older one and living through teenagedom, I am spent. No one told me that parenting was going to be this painful. Can I get my money back? Thanks for sharing your heart. I needed to hear it.

  • Lisa

    My daughter’s boyfriend also just broke up with her. I almost feel like he broke up with me because I feel her broken heart so much. I pray continuously to God for Him to heal her heart and He promises He will. All I can do is be there for her. I am happy she shares what she does with me. I never did with my mom. Whether God gives her boyfriend back to her or heals her heart with someone else, I know He does not like to see His children suffer. Even though she has friends there for her as of now all she can do is think about her loss and how she can’t believe it happened. I pray that God heals all of the broken hearts.

  • mary

    my 16 year old daughters boyfriend broke up with her also. she is crying and crying. I try as I hold her to tell her that her hurt will heal. Everyone in usually has more then one love. I know it hurts so bad, but it will pass. I noticed the boy texts her cell and calls it. I kindly texted him from my phone and asked him to just leave her alone. He has already taken up with another little gal and it seems to me like he is stringing my daughter along. Any advice would be appreciated. My daugher gets mad if I suggest she just stop talking to him. I don’t know what to do and in this day and age you never know what is right to say or do. Thank you in advance I am desperate

  • amy

    My daughter is 17, and had been dating the same boy for over a year. He broke up with her last week, and I can’t seem to do anything right. If I don’t ask questions, she gets upset, and if I do, she gets upset. She has a really good relationship with his mom, who is as devastated by this turn of events as I am. She seems to find it easier to talk to his mom than to talk to me, and I wish that didn’t hurt as much as it does.
    He was a very gentle sweet guy, but got fed up with her continual nagging and fussing about everything, large and small. In our case, there have been no phone calls or texts; they see each other at school, but she is pretty sure that another girl is in the picture. We have lots of things that belong to him at our house, and I am not sure how to approach this-I have suggested to her that I would take it to his mom, or that she can take it to his mom on her visits there (when he is still in class), but she wants to leave all this stuff here in case he comes back! I would gladly welcome him back, but I don’t want to continue to foster false hopes. My heart is broken for her, and I just can’t seem to do anything right in her eyes.

  • KK’s Mom

    Mary, trust your instinct. If you think he is stringing her along HE IS! Make her face the fact that he has taken up with someone else. I mean, she has no clue what he is telling the other girl (i.e. “my old g/f just wont leave me alone!”) to maybe get girl #2 to do what he wants (sex) or worse yet telling your daughter the same thing to get HER to do what he wants. At the very least, he is playing them both and enjoying all the attention. My daughter’s ex with whom she had been for 18 months (even through a very serious illness) did the same thing. It was not until my daughter had a chance meeting w/ him and girl #2 that she faced reality even though I warned her what he was doing. Tell her to find someone who actually WANTS to be with her instead of someone who just wants to be w/ her when he doesnt have something better to do. PS: have we forgotten we can actually take the phone away??

  • Relationship

    Oh no! Sorry to hear about your daughter. =( But she’s truly blessed to have you around at this time. I’m sure this is difficult at first but in time and with reason your daughter will eventually get over it. Hope and pray it will happen in no time.

  • Do I need counseling?

    I am glad to read that other mothers struggle with their own pain when a relationship with a boy ends. We currently attend church with the ex boyfriend who is now bringing the new girlfriend to church. It has been over a year since the break up and it is still difficult for me to not have heartache and anger in that the boy broke up with my daughter in a very cruel manner and this after she stood by his side during a difficult time in his own life. Why did God allow this to happen? Do I need to seek counseling? My daughter is now in a new and happier relationship but I cannot seem to put this behind me as we frequently run into him.

  • Pen

    My daughter is 16 and bee with this great guy since she was 14..he is 18. He was so crazy in love with her and texted her and called her and cried when he left for college. But the second semester, he started yelling at her for no reason…he would say things like I know you hate me because I didn’t go to this or that with you…he would yell! so, it was total change. Well they are taking a break now…he barely calls and is telling everyone my daughter is being mean to him. He is handsome, everyone LOVES him and he is every mother’s dream..or was. He is an eagle scout and a great choir guy at church, etc. I feel sick. I wish he would get to how he used to. My daughter is being very patient. What do I do? I am so sad that they might break up ……millions of girls will be so happy and my daughter will be so sad.

  • No

    Lightening has struck twice for my daughter….first at the end of college…her first true love (wanted space..he said…but I guess wanted something more. Now she is 25 has dated, but finally found what she thought was the person she would be spending the rest of her life with. I thought they were so compatible and my husband and I really enjoyed him so much. I ache for my daughter. I don’t know what to say or do anymore. She falls in love with people who are far from God….they break up with her because she takes a moral stand against sex before marriage. I feel angry and disappointed in God too right now. Just like the other posts…I wonder if I need counseling and I wonder if she does too. My heart just feels heavy for her. Please pray for us.

  • joanne

    yes, I too, feel devasted about my daughters boyfriend breaking up with her. they got along so well. never argued and always laughing. he was a perfect gentlemen, didn’t believe in sex before marriage. so I guess i held him to high standards. he’s away at university, another state. she senior in high school. I think he found someone he could BE WITH and not telling her the truth. She’s moving on and I want her to be as mad as I am. what is wrong with me/

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