The Secret to Staying Together

webs   Monday, April 27, 2015   7 Comments on The Secret to Staying Together


my husband and IMy hubby and I are just by ourselves,  the past two years ever since our children lived independently from us. It is just the two of us.  Most of the time it is nice and dandy, but there are times, we get into each other’s nerves. He does not like it when I end up,  going home late from my events. I also tend to snap when I am tired.  These are the moments to just back off, and stay cool.   I’ve learned to detach  with love after 30  years of marriage. So when it is my husband’s issue, I follow recovery principles. I have practiced these over the past ten years or so. I wished I had learned these sooner.

I remember the FOUR C’s. I know I am not the CAUSE of his problems. I have no CONTROL over his problems . I cannot CURE it. Knowing that I have no CONTROL over people, places and things, the only remedy to the situation is a CHANGE of my attitude. It took a lot of practice. My strategy is always to be gentle with myself. It’s useless beating myself over it. If I have to, I will beat myself with a feather. It was only in 2005 that I learned about self-care. I take care of myself by going to facial salons ,exercising at the gym, meditation , laughing and basically pampering myself. Facials are important to me because I don’t like to have worry lines on my face. It’s also quite relaxing and calms my mind . Exercise gives me the endorphins to stay high with happy hormones. It’s working quite well and when friends see me, they think I have a “nice aura” around me. Little do they know, that hubby and me just had a time-out. Hehe.

During one of those “cool” moments a few years ago, I received an email from my dear hubby. (See, he now communicates via email)

 

Dear Noyt,

An interesting article about Chat Silayan. I love you.

Your husband,

Butch

Chat Silayan is his high school batchmate and as you all know, she died of Colon cancer in 2006.

Anyway, I digress. The email was an article, “Whole Again” written on April 16, 2003 wherein Chat Silayan-Bailon shares the lessons she’s learned after 10 years of marriage. Part of the article is about….

THE SECRET TO STAYING TOGETHER

This December 30th, my husband and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary.Looking back, I sometimes say, ““Wow, how did we get this far?” Especially when I remember our fights, which so escalated that we had to see a marriage counselor.

But we survived those turbulent times––through God, through our friendship, through our continuous effort to tackle our problems instead of running out the door. And with every experience, every fight, I’d learn things about what marriage really meant.

Deal with your emotions. I had to work through a lot of feelings from my childhood: the fear, the anger, the destructive coping mechanisms that kept me safe but also created barriers between my husband and I. I needed to identify where they were coming from and find ways to channel them positively.

Take command responsibility. Mike and I tried to go for counseling, which really helped, but at the end of the day, the task still fell on our shoulders. We had to make the necessary changes. We had to stop blaming each other and look for solutions together.

Be patient. We expect so many things from our partners, but we have to let them grow at their own pace. I wanted Mike to be good at fatherhood right away; I now realize that he needed time.

Accept each other. Nobody is perfect. We have our own faults and shortcomings. We need to accept each other and learn to give unconditional love.

Pray. Problems cannot be fixed miraculously overnight. God wants you to go through the process, because He is working on your character and teaching you wisdom. If you get the answer right away then you don’t learn the lesson

Remember what brought you together. When I reach the point of ““ayoko na,” it helps to look back to the time that we liked each other and ask myself, what did I fall in love with? With the many concerns of married life, it’s easy to take the good things for granted.

Don’t lose your own identity. Marriage only works if you have space to be yourself and develop your own dreams and personality. Don’ t lose yourself. I was lucky to have gone through so many experiences before I finally settled down. Yes, I was lost for several years, and a lot of those memories are painful, but I am a stronger person because of what I went through. Now that I’m married, I want to make sure that I don’t lose the identity that I tried so hard to find.

Mission/Vision. Have a family mission and vision that will serve as compass when things are going off-course.

Marriage is definitely hard work. We’ve been technically together for 37 years (7 years as steadies and 30 years married) and still, we can get into each other’s nerves. Hmm, perhaps my husband sent this email so that we continue to work on finding solutions and making necessary changes.

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  • http://rosedesrochers.todays-woman.net Rose DesRochers

    I just celebrated 17 years. Marriage is hard work. I hope things work out for you both.

  • http://aboutmyrecovery.com noemi

    Hi Rose. well, things are working out. Coincidentally, it’s going to be our 21st anniversary on May 5 .

  • http://simplyabbie.com abbie

    My boyfriend and I are not yet married but we are now going on our 6th year this 23rd of October. While I was reading Chat Silayan’s article and its much like we were doing that’s why we’ve been together this long. I just couldn’t help but smile. Thanks for the advice.

  • http://aboutmyrecovery.com noemi

    Abbie: That’s a long time! My husband I were steadies for 7 years . At that time, I had no idea about relationships or that we had to work on it. Recent materials have been geared on helping couples. Through the years, we change so we need to adapt and compromise. That’s what the work is all about.

  • http://www.annalyn.net ajay

    Nice article. This is from somebody who is once again single and went through a traumatic marriage once. I admire people like you who have the will to go through all the ups and downs. Well I guess it takes two to tango. It was my choice to be like this and I have to take full responsibility now

  • techguy

    nakakalungkot, Chat is one fave actress, his Dad too, Vic, Chat,as i looked at her, yong mukhang nya ay lalong gumaganda habang tinitingnan mo, she won the BB Pilipnas, right, and i think she is a finalist in the international pageant, BTW, kami ng ex-gf(misis ko na ngayon…hehehe)22 yrs ng kasal…my one and only misis…sabi nila playboy daw ang mga taga PLDT(work for them for 17 yrs) pero i am 100% i am not one of them dumila man ako sa burning charcoal…it took me 4 years to realize na dapat na mahalin ko pa la sya at pakasalan…not beacause she is inheriting hectares of land of coconut plantation in San Pablo…just because i love her for bitter or for worse…hahaha..our secret in staying together…we do not let our problems or dis-agreement to last another…day …we just solve it …before we sleep…our product…hehehe.. five boys…still hoping for a lovely daughter…syensiya ka na..napahaba yata…

  • http://aboutmyrecovery.com noemi

    Ajay: I cannot judge other couples. Each couple have different circumstances and your choices were based on what you felt was best for both of you.

    Techguy: I like Chat’s Filipina looks. She has beautiful long hair. We’re on our 21st year of marraige. Solving problems is one way of not building up resentments. I learned the hard way of just keeping things to myself until it blew up on my face. I’ve learned to talk things out right away. It took a lot of practice to change my old ways.