Category Archives: Marriage

 

In this modern and gadget-obsessed era, many people have learned the art of playing with words and using them to their advantage. How can you not become skillful with words in a time when you cannot escape a day without sending text messages, updating our social media status and expressing ourselves in 140 characters on Twitter? But all those words are meaningless without the appropriate action.

Words, no matter how eloquent have no bearing when they are not accompanied by gestures. In a relationship, words are important but you cannot depend on them alone. Of course, it feels good to hear your significant other say “I love you,” “you mean the world to me,” “I’ll do anything for you,” “you’re my everything” and so on but if that person constantly lets you down and hurt you, then those words may seem ironic.

Words are music to the ears but they should always be supported by actions. In order to mean what you say, you have to prove it with gestures. The virtual world is bombarded with sweet nothings but in reality, happiness highly depends on what you actually do. After all, actions speak louder than words.

Many complain that their partners are not vocal about their feelings. It’s a blessing to have someone who can express his/her feelings in words and gestures. Sometimes, you can’t always have the best of both worlds. If you have to choose, would you rather be with someone who showers you with sweet lines but disappoints and makes you cry or would you rather choose a person who doesn’t say much but who is always there for you and fulfills his/her promises? If you have good sense, you know you’re better off with the latter.

A relationship starts with exchange of words but in order for it to grow and develop, you need to nurture it with the right actions. Simple deeds can outweigh words. Don’t worry too much if your partner is not generous with his/her words as long as you feel that you are loved. Here are some day-to-day gestures that express affection without the need to say the words aloud.

Introduction to family and friends – You know you are special to a person when he/she introduces you to his/her family and friends. It’s a gesture that may indicate that he/she is serious about your relationship and thinking of building a future with you.

Shirley was ecstatic the day her boyfriend introduced her to his family. They have been together for a year and a half when her boyfriend invited her for brunch at his parent’s house. Shirley took it as a sign that their relationship is for keeps.

Physical display of affection – A simple and random display of affection such as giving you a tender embrace, kissing you on the cheek, holding your hand, or putting an arm around you show that your significant other wants to be in close proximity to you.

Weng, a stay-at-home mom is married to a hardworking regional sales manager of a big company. He is always on the road. They have been married for eight years now. Her husband is the quiet type but what he lacks in words, he compensates in action. Although he rarely says “I love you,” Weng feels loved because he never fails to kiss and hug her the moment he wakes up and every chance he gets whenever he is at home.

Taking the extra mile – A person can express his/her emotions through his/her behavior. He/she may go out of his/her way to cheer you up, give you advice or offer you a helping hand.

Gloria fell in love with Frank because of his genuine kindness. She remembers the time when torrential rain caused city-wide flooding. She and her sister were stuck at home because of the flood. Frank bought pandesal, bottled water and a few canned goods to bring to Gloria and her sister. Frank walked for more than an hour carrying the goods because many of the roads were impassable to public and private vehicles. Frank waded in filthy water. He disregarded his own health and safety just to get to Gloria. There was a nagging fear in his head that he might get injured by falling in a manhole or stepping on something sharp or worse something rusty. Thankfully, he arrived at Gloria’s apartment safe and sound. Little did he know that on that day, he won her heart.

Symbol of love – You can express how much you value the presence of a person in your life by giving him/her a symbolic gift.

Bernie gave his girlfriend a promise ring as a sign of commitment. The promise ring is also a pledge of love and faithfulness. It was like a pre-engagement gesture to show his girlfriend that he sees his future with her.

Showing remorse for mistakes – Being sorry goes beyond words of apology. It means making an effort to correct the problem and setting things right.

Alfred’s infidelity almost destroyed his marriage. The thought of losing his wife and children made him realize the gravity of what he has done. When his wife found out about his affair with another woman, she threatened to leave him and take their children with her. Alfred held his wife as tight as he could. She struggled to break free but he refused to let go. When his tears began to fall, his wife stopped and looked at him straight in the eye. It was the first time that she saw him cry. He has always been a strong and brave person. He is not easily moved by difficult situations unlike most people. But that moment, Alfred felt all his strength and courage escape him. He knew he had broken his wife’s heart. He wanted to apologize and beg her to stay but the words couldn’t come out. Alfred broke down. After his emotional release, he was able to talk to his wife.

He learned from his mistake. Rather than making promises, Alfred showed his wife how much he values the second chance she gave him through his actions. He severed all forms of communication with the other woman. He keeps his mobile phone in plain sight. No more secret text messages and calls. He now makes it a point to go home early. Alfred knows that it will take time for his wife to trust him again but he will keep trying.

Photo c/o Pixabay. Public domain.

Written by Ma. Rachel Yapchiongco , as published originally at Walk your (loving) talk, Philippine Online Chronicles.

 

Familiarity breeds contempt. This is likely to happen in a marriage.

Day in, day out you wake up to the same man, drooling beside you in deep sleep while you can hardly take a wink with his deep resounding snore coupled with wheezes bugging you through the night. Then he wonders why your face is all wrinkled up with frowns as he wakes up and sees you in the morning. Hardly energized, you have to face the challenges of parenthood with children practically screaming for attention, go through the same old tiring chores before hitting the road and welcome another stressful day at work. Most of the time you are at your wit’s end and wish there was some kind of remote control to give you a breather.

Press STOP. That’s more like it. Silence helps us catch up with our breath and refocus. This is not exactly the happy scenario you saw in your mind as the church bells joyfully pealed over the exchange of I dos. Something went wrong somewhere and it turned into a nasty habit. The sweet-nothings of the honeymoon days turned into sour-graping. The high praises turned into put downs. The attentiveness turned into deadpan silence. With resentment piling up, big fights start with the slightest provocation.

It is so easy to get lost in the middle of a messy life where the objective of the day is to score a hurt towards your spouse or wallow in self-pity if you get to the losing end. Where do the children figure in all these? They get caught in the crossfire.

Rudy and Jelly had to come to terms with the ugly realities of their marriage. Rudy is an only child who was used to having his way. Jelly is a head strong activist whose feministic views fuelled the insistence on her right to equality. After the whirlwind romance, the honeymoon ended when it barely started. The head-on collision of opinions graduated to bitter arguments and nearly escalated to violence. This went on until their first child was born. Blinded by deep-seated resentments, they usually forgot the innocent baby’s presence. At first, the child’s troubled wails were merely drowned by her parents’ loud screaming matches. The couple got to their senses as their daughter learned to talk. They got into another verbal brawl when their barely two year-old daughter tearfully pulled her mommy’s shirt and said, “Sorry Mommy, Sorry Daddy” in between sobs. Shaken, the high pitched row suddenly stopped. The parents’ hearts melted at the thought of how their innocent toddler took the blame for their anger.

This could not go on, they both decided. Swallowing their pride, Rudy and Jelly sought forgiveness from each other and promised not to let the ugly fights happen again. Habits die hard so it was with hard work for Rudy and Jelly to at least be nice to each other.

START WITH KIND WORDS. Preacher in Blue Jeans, Bro. Bo Sanchez puts weight on what you say, ““If you want to change your life, change your words. I believe that if you change your vocabulary, you change your life story.”

This goes along with the concept of self-fulfilling prophecies. If you tell your child how hard-headed he is at every given opportunity, expect that he will grow up rebellious. The same principle applies with couples. If you hype up on your spouse’s insensitivity every day, expect him to be indifferent to your needs and worse, that of your child’s.

Reverse the process. If Rudy and Jelly were once quick to nitpick, they now bite their tongues when the temptation is strong. Jelly would take a deep breath and make a mental account of all her husband’s good qualities.

She would then decide to choose to see the better side of him and replace the unsaid disdain with a praise or two.

FOLLOW THROUGH WITH ACTIONS. Note the word “decide”. It is a conscious effort to be a better person so that your partner will be a better spouse. Rudy did not just agree to choose kind utterances in dealing with his wife, he also initiated a tradition for them to honor each other during their “monthsery” celebrations.

After the cozy dinner, both of them go through a list of ten things to be thankful about each other. This practice boosted Rudy and Jelly’s morale and strive to be a better husband and wife. As a consequence, they become better parents.

Deb HIrschham, PhD, of goodtherapy.org affirms the positive effects of making your partner feel good about himself/herself. “Although opposites do attract, the fundamental, deep-down attraction comes from a reflection of oneself. Not only is this person validating you, but his very being (because it’s so much like yours) validates you all the more.”

Dr. Hirschham adds that this is not an easy task but it could be done, “If you don’t see this, you do have to plumb the depths to find it. It is not on the surface. The surface includes a host of differences, but deep down you’ll find the sameness.)”

END EACH DAY WITH LOVE. In her singlehood, Jelly has grown accustomed to giving the silent treatment when mad at someone. She carried this into her marriage much to her husband’s disappointment.

Rudy, on the other hand, would pester his wife thinking that this would settle their differences. Instead, Rudy’s peskiness annoyed Jelly and the cold treatment would escalate into a full blown word war.

After agreeing to attend a couple’s spiritual renewal seminar, Rudy and Jelly adhered to the Christian teaching, “When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down.” (Ephisians 4:26).

It was initially difficult for Jelly to practice this teaching but with Rudy’s more loving approach, opening up about deep hurts and settling differences came easier. They both have peaceful slumbers as differences are settled at the end of the day.

Seven years into their marriage, Rudy and Jelly’s relationship is going stronger. Yes, there are still lapses and angry outbursts (but this time not in the presence of the children). As they learn to deepen each other’s love with respect and sensitivity to each other’s needs, they become better spouses and parents. And their little tot? She is growing into a well adjusted child, knowing that her Daddy’s love towards Mommy ensures all the security she needs in the world.

Written by Jasmine Barrios as originally posted at the Philippine Online Chronicles.

Photo: “Father and Child” by , c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved

(updated) A friend wondered why my husband married me in the first place. I laughed. Without batting an eyelash, I smiled “because I am a bitch. Maldita!”

They say that it starts in courtship. In the book, “Why Men Marry Bitches“, Ms. Argov says it is true “men love to chase women” and we must let them do that. I’ve never read the book but I have my own definition of being a “bitch”. Oh how I remember how I played hard to get just so Butch would suffer. I even had another suitor just to show him that he’s not the only guy in this world. At that time, Butch had a girlfriend but dumped her when he started courting me. (I later found out it was the girl who pursued him). After three months of wooing me, we became steadies for 7 years before tying the knot. Even though he was still at Law School, I told him this: “if we don’t intend to marry on our 7th year, I’m moving to the States with my sister. ”

We married on our 7th year.
My definition of “bitch” is not one who is nagger, or a war-freak wife. I am neither demanding or mean. The book describes the “bitch” as ” a strong woman who has her own identity and is secure with who she is.” I don’t know how the other bitches in the world work. I define myself as a passionate, loving , loyal wife who will fight for her man , her family and her marriage . When threat prevails, the bitch in me will find ways to curtail it. Lately I established family relationship boundaries and that’s when havoc occurs. My methods may come out offensive or abrasive in a world where one is not used to confrontation or honest exchange of communication.

Whenever my sisters and their spouses are in town for a reunion, we tease our husbands that they can now commence their support group. I don’t know if my husband is traumatized whenever I am in my “bitch mode”.

So why did my husband marry a “bitch”?

I have no idea so I send an instant message . His reply:

Yes, that’s life. He can’t explain it.