Always Valentine’s Day , says my ex-boyfriend

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valentine's day
Two Valentine’s Day from the two most important guys in my life (next to my dad) strike me as the most memorable. The first one is my first Valentine’s day with Butch, my ex-boyfriend. The second is the last Valentine’s Day Card that my son lovingly crafted for me. valentines day.jpgLeafing through the yellowed pages of my diary, I found a journal entry written on February 14, 1979. The wonderful thing about keeping a journal is one is able to relive those youthful years and feel giddy all over again. Oh my, were we that cheesy!? Looking back that day, I wrote I saw him through the window carrying a single red rose and a gift. Clutching the red rose, Butch chuckled at the scene unfolding before him. Just like the movies, he muttered. Three pages of sweet nothings where my sappy ex-boyfriend declared his undying love and our dreams in my paper journal. In the last part of my journal entry, he had whispered “Let’s make Valentine’s day the whole year through”. kilig. Today is our 43th Valentine’s Day celebration.

Though our love endured, it was not all roses and sweet nothings.

happy valentine's dayThe childlike scribble of the I love you that my son wrote in his handmade Valentine’s day card never fails to bring tears. Tears of joy, of course. Reading through the same journal entry of February 14, 1979, Butch and I wove dreams of our first-born son who we called Jose Luis back then. (Jose, because both our fathers are Jose’s and Luis for Butch’s actual name.) Many years later, the dream of our Jose Luis materialized, whom we nicknamed Luijoe, for short. The reality lasted for six glorious years. I caress the crayon drawn heart in this card to remind myself that death may have taken our son away but his love and memories remain alive and pure in our hearts.

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As with the past 44 Valentine’s Day , we celebrate it at home with my husband.  Since we could not spend Christmas Day together in 2020 except via Zoom so today, we wore our ugly Christmas shirt. Never too late to celebrate love and life. ??

Let’s remember what love truly is…

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn’t jealous. It doesn’t sing its own praises. It isn’t arrogant. It isn’t rude. It doesn’t think about itself. It isn’t irritable. It doesn’t keep track of wrongs. It isn’t happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth. Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, never gives up.

Love never comes to an end

<< 1 Corinthians 13 >>

Love is not just for couples; it is for all of us.

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As originally posted on Valentine’s Day aka Single Awareness Day (Or how to love the most important person in your life)Valentine’s Day aka Single Awareness Day , Philippine Online Chronicles

You are in the middle of a city where flower shops abound, artisan chocolates call out to you, teddy bears suddenly peek from every store window in the mall and restaurants offer date-deal combos. There’s a cold breeze in the air – the perfect moment to hold someone’s hand in yours – only, there’s no one to hold.

love-yourself-first

It is Valentine’s Day, you’re single and it’s perfectly fine.

“Being dateless on Valentine’s Day can evoke feelings of loneliness and self-doubt, especially for those who are believers in the mythology of true love,” according to Chif’s ‘Being Single on Valentine’s Day: A Survival Guide.’ “It is portrayed in he media, particularly in relentless flower, fragrance and jewelry advertising, as the singular day of the year set aside for love, romance and passion.”

So what can you do when you are feeling the chilling blues of being single instead of being swept away by the fiery desire of love?

love yourselfInstead of being defeated by how Cupid’s Day “ought to be” celebrated, there are ways on how single men and women can seize the day, says Dr. Laura S. Brown, Psychology Professor at Argosy University, Seattle. “Love is not about a particular day, or about cards, flowers, or even being in a relationship. The illusion that coupled people are happy and well-loved can feed feelings of loneliness or isolation for people who are not with someone, and wish they were.” Brown says. Putting things in perspective and realizing the illusory nature of this holiday, she adds, can be the first step in feeling better about being precisely who and where you are.

According to Brown, the most important message that singles should bear in mind on Valentine’s Day is that “love is not just for couples; it is for all of us.” Ditch the idea of V-Day as a mere glorification of romance and join in the celebration of love in general – love for yourself, for your family, friends, community and for the world, as Your Tango suggests.

With that being said, here are some ways that single men and women can have a fun, meaningful Valentine’s Day without worrying about the pressures and pitfalls that often come with the holiday:

1.     Get some perspective.

“Do not define yourself by your relationship status. Your relationship status does not define you,” saysChiff. Rather than sulking on Valentine’s Day,celebrate your strengths and achievements that testify to you being a completely empowered person, a person who has room for love should it come along but who does not need such a relationship to feel happy and worthy right now.

It would also help to realize that Valentine’s Day is a commercial holiday – and not necessarily about togetherness and intimacy. Just think of all the money you are saving!

2.     Get together with people who love you.

Make sweet time for people who do love you – friends, family members, the people who matter most in your life. And be in the moment for God’s sake (leave your smartphone and tablet alone!). Doing little acts of love will not only put a smile on their faces, it will also plant one in yours.

3.     Indulge in yourself.

Spend the day loving yourself by doing whatever you want – be it pampering yourself with a lavish spa treatment or staying at home, gorging on take-out food and watching every movie your celebrity crush has ever been in. Stop beating yourself up and give in – you deserve it. But don’t bite more than you can chew – it wouldn’t feel good to worry about reducing your expenses just because you splurged way too much on indulgence.

4.     Go after your passions.

Use the day to start or finish something you’ve been meaning to pursue. Finish that book which has gathered dust on your bedside table, redecorate your room or study that piano piece. While you’re at it, find something new to love. Interested in taking up yoga? How about boxing? Always wanted to try out pole dancing? Challenge yourself to do something you’ve never done before, or seldom get to do because of your schedule.

5.     Send love someone else’s way.

Research shows that one act of kindness generates a domino effect of goodness. Send Valentine’s Day cards or flowers to those close to you or better yet, volunteer locally and help out people in need. AsYour Tango says, seeing a face light up from your small gesture will fill you with love and make the world a better place.

6.     Snuggle with a pet.

Ella Ceron of Thought Catalog suggests adopting a cat. While dogs will love you unconditionally, “a cat’s indifference will keep you humble and remind you that sometimes, the kind of love you have to earn is pretty freaking great.” If you’re not exactly a feline lover, get a puppy or dog sit for your friends who are out for a dinner date. Unconditional love and snuggling is sure to uplift any mood.

7.     If you are single and you don’t want to be, be honest with yourself with what’s keeping you from being in the relationship that you want.

Find ways to work on becoming the person you’ve always wanted to be, the person your dream partner would fall in love with. Chiff recommends taking up yoga, volunteering, creating art, making meaning and acting to change the world. “It is into the fullest lives that love is most likely to fall.”

If you think your match may not be in your current friends and acquaintances, expand your social circle. Be open in meeting (or dating) new people, find out what’s happening in the singles scene and try going to parties that let you celebrate the day as an unattached person – but keep your love expectations in check.

8.     If you are single and you like it, affirm your choice.  

If being single is your choice, love it. Think about all the good things about being single, from being the sole decider of how you should spend your free time, to not fighting over the remote control, to keeping your space as clean or as messy as you like. If people tend to rub your singleness on your face on Valentine’s Day, breathe easy, smile and tell them you like being so, and you’re perfectly fine with it.

Valentine’s Day Celebration is always lunch or a dinner date at home

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valentine's dayIn all the 36 years that Butch and I have been a couple (as steadies for 7 years and as married couple) , not once have we celebrated Valentine’s Day outside the home. During the 7 years that we dated, he’d say “I don’t want to celebrate Valentine’s day but let’s go on a dinner date on the 16th”. So theoretically, we did celebrate Valentine’s day but not on the 14th of February. When we got married, I ‘d cook a simple dinner just to celebrate the romantic nature of the day. Then the kids came. Their teachers often required a Valentine card project for daddy or mommy which prompted me to celebrate Valentine’s Day at home. For the children, Valentine’s Day meant candy hearts, cutesy cards and excitement in the air. Now I didn’t want to be a killjoy. I’d decorate the house with heart shaped balloons, heart shaped cookies , red ribbons and other party fan fare. It was a family celebration of love.

I never really understood why my dear husband loathed Valentine’s day until last night…. He can’t be the Valentine’s Day equivalent of Dr. Scrooge. Butch is a very romantic person. He says the most sappy phrases ever and that’s probably the reason I fell in love with him. Now back to the reason for this Valentine’s Day aversion. I teased him, “Will you buy me flowers?”. He said “not on the 14th. Flowers are very expensive that day”. He reminded me, “Didn’t I just buy you carnations a week ago?”

I laughed. “So it’s an economic reason?”, I joked. He nodded. Ah now I recall, Butch was only 18 years old when we first became steadies. Naturally, he didn’t have the money to buy me the overpriced flowers or presents. All these years, I always thought that he wanted to be unique. Kuripot lang pala. (or is it being thrifty)

Tonight, as restaurants are filled to the brim with loving couples, I prepared an Italian-themed dinner. The non-celebration or not eating out on Valentine’s Day is our tradition carried through the years.

Loving Myself Unconditionally

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It takes two to make a relationship work. It is easy to blame the other partner if something fails in a relationship. I used to blame my husband for every little thing without even checking if I too had my faults. When I took away the focus from my husband and turned to myself, wonderful things happened to me, my family and my life, in general.

love yourself first

What did I do?

Loving myself unconditionally!

It means loving myself into health and a good life of my own. It meant loving myself into all that I have always wanted. Yes, love myself into peace, happiness, success, joy and contentment.

So how do I love myself?

It wasn’t easy at first. I had to force myself to and even “faked” it. By “acting as if“. To practice the positive, I act as if. It’s a positive form of pretending. It’s a useful tool to use to get ourselves unstuck.

Here is what I did.

1. Embrace and love all of myself including past, present and future. I forgave myself and as often as necessary, I talk to myself and list down my good points.

2. If negative thoughts entered my mind, I get them out in the open quickly and replace those beliefs with positive and uplifting ones.

3. I gently pat myself when necessary. I discipline myself and even ask for help when needed.

4. I give treats to myself. I don’t allow myself to work like a carabao, pushing and driving myself to stressful levels. I learned to be good to myself.

5. I stopped explaining and justifying myself. When I make a mistake, I let it go. I learn, I grow and learn some more and despite it all, I love myself.

I constantly work at loving myself. One day, I looked up at myself in the mirror and loved what I saw. I saw a new and lovely me. Loving myself had become habitual.

Love-yourself-first

Loving ourselves sounds like an alien concept and even foolish at times. Some may accuse us of being selfish. But do we have to believe them? People who love themselves are truly able to love others and let others love them. People who love themselves and hold themselves in high esteem are those who give the most, contribute the most and love the most.

Self-love will take hold and become a guiding force in our life.

Remember, you are lovable and capable of giving and receiving love.

The art of love… is largely the art of persistence.

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Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Robert Frost

valentine-dayYes, it is Valentine’s day, another ordinary day for my husband and myself. Just like any day, we make time to have lovey-dovey moments with each other and a special ME time.

Today is special for other couples but for us, every day is special. We have never been out on a date during Valentine’s day in all the 33 years we have been together. I never really understood why my dear husband loathed Valentine’s day until a few years ago. He can’t be the Valentine’s Day equivalent of Dr. Scrooge. Butch is a very romantic person. He whispers the most romantic phrases ever and that’s probably the reason I fell in love with him. Now back to the reason for this Valentine’s Day aversion. I teased him, ““Will you buy me a Valentine’s gift”. He said ““I already gave you my gift”. He reminded me, ““Didn’t I just give you___ pataca for our Macau trip?”

“No flowers?”, I teased.

He says “expensive during Valentine’s day”.

I laughed. ““So it’s an economic reason?”, I joked. He nodded. Ah now I recall, Butch was only 18 years old when we first became steadies. Naturally, he didn’t have the money to buy me the overpriced flowers or presents. All these years, I always thought that he wanted to be unique. Kuripot lang pala. (or is it being thrifty)

The non-celebration of Valentine’s Day on February 14th is our tradition carried through the years. While restaurants are filled to the brim with loving couples, we will just have a date at home. I am not even sure if I have time to cook as I have a lecture in the afternoon.

Most likely, he will just whisper sweet nothings as always, while I reflect on the Bible passage of love that has carried me through the years:

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn’t jealous. It doesn’t sing its own praises. It isn’t arrogant. It isn’t rude. It doesn’t think about itself. It isn’t irritable. It doesn’t keep track of wrongs. It isn’t happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth. Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, never gives up.

Love never comes to an end.

<< 1 Corinthians 13 >>

Since today is Valentine’s day, you don’t have to be a couple to celebrate it. Whether you are a couple or single, the most important relationship you will have with is yourself. And the most important person in your life is YOU.

““If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you’ll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself.”

Loving yourself is the best way to learn how to love.

Update

I arrived home tonight and received a gift from Butch.

valentine-day