The Taboo on Grief and the Filipino Culture

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butterflyA few days ago , a friend ( a member of The Compassionate Friends) and myself agreed to have an interview with Sociology students from the University of the Philippines Diliman . They are currently taking the course Sociology 182 on Qualitative Research Methods. As part of their requirements, they were tasked to accomplish a research paper with a topic of their interest. They chose the topic, “Death and Dying: The Experiences of a Mother at the Sudden Death of her Child“. That’s not a usual topic that students might choose and I was pleased at their choice. Five of us at the Compassionate Friends agreed to help out with their paper. I learned that two members of INA Foundation also participated .

What surprised me is that their professor discouraged them at the choice of their topic. In fact, they were told to drop this topic and choose another one. The professor said that they will not be able to get mothers to talk about their [tag]grief[/tag]. She added that grief is a private matter. But these girls defended their topic and believed that they will be able to get the cooperation of bereaved mothers. True enough, they got the interviews from members of INA Foundation and The Compassionate Friends. In fact they got more mothers than they initially planned.

Unfortunately, we still live in a world where grief is a taboo topic. People who don’t outwardly show grief are said to be ‘strong’ and ‘brave’ while those who show and express feelings are spoken of in derogatory terms such as ‘falling apart’ and ‘going to pieces’ or ‘breaking down’ etc. “She’s not moving on”…In reality the latter are the strong ones, as they don’t care what people think of them when they are responding to grief in a way that is right for them, (crying or being angry etc.) It takes courage to show our emotional pain in public.

Why was it not difficult to talk about our grief? [tag]Bereaved mothers[/tag] (or even fathers) need to talk about the child they have lost. It not only gives us something to do with the energy of grief, but also establishes the continuity of memory and spirit of one who was so much a part of our lives.

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Pregnancy Loss

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home-baby.jpgLast Monday, I was surprised to receive a text message from Cathy to pray for her surgery scheduled for 7:30 AM. That surprised me. I knew she had thyroid consultation and a complaint on Mittelschmertz (German for “middle pain”) and some pre-menopausal symptons. I knew something was up with Cathy because we see each other everyday, well “online” that is. So that worried me when I didn’t see her for two days. Anyway, I thought they found something in her thyroid gland which required an emergency operation. I can imagine the shock of this sudden decision. I thought of visiting her yesterday but then it was my husband’s 47th birthday. Besides , I thought she might not be able to chat because of the pain around her throat area. So I took a chance this morning to visit her at the hospital. Cathy was in high spirits ever grateful for the successful operation and God’s faithfulness.

So they found something in your thyroid?, I was skimming around her throat area wondering where the incision was done.

I was puzzled.

Cathy said “No, I had an ectopic pregnancy”

I was stunned. [tag]Ectopic pregnancy[/tag] can be fatal. In fact , she was already bleeding internally and had lots of clots. No wonder she couldn’t attend our August 19 meeting of the Compassionate Friends. Imagine she was bleeding for more than 10 days not knowing she was pregnant all along. Anyway, Cathy will blog more about God’s faithfulness in delivering her from danger. The question that piqued my curiousity was ” are you grieving?”. She doesn’t know yet as everything happened so soon and she is still processing the past day’s events.

ectopic.jpg

That Monday, I also received word that my sister-in-law lost her more than 8 weeks old baby. I know they wanted this baby so much as they only have one child. .

A baby did not have to be born after nine months in order to be loved and treasured. A baby was anticipated and wanted and it was taken away without permission, consent or notice. The loss needs to be grieved and mourned by the parents but they need to be reassured that there is no timeline on the grief process. A [tag]pregnancy loss[/tag] is not something that someone just ““gets over” in a matter of days. It is a true loss, just like the loss of a pet, the death of a family member or a friend. A pregnancy loss is a real loss. Their feelings should not be minimized with an unkind comment and their loss must not be trivialized. Too often, those closest to us – our friends and family members – tell us what they think is the right thing to say but is really the last thing we should hear:

““It was God’s way”
““It was better that it happened now, rather than later”
““At least you have other children”

Each of the above statements might be true but none of them offer comfort or take away the pain. Support for preganncy loss is available around the world and even in our mission, The Compassionate Friends Philippines.

How to mend the broken heart of your daughter

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Healing_a_broken_heart.jpgRemember how we mothers ease the pain of our toddler’s scraped knee? I remember blowing the wound and caressing my little girl’s leg…. “There it will go away now” . My little girl would then wail “baaand-aiiiid” thinking the band-aid can patch the pain. What happens when this little girl is now an adult, nursing a broken heart? How can a band-aid now patch the gaping hole in her heart?

Yesterday night, my daughter went home from her dorm. She informed me beforehand that she had a problem but she will tell me in person. My husband and I couldn’t sleep thinking it could be serious. Eventually we lifted our worries to God and soon fell into a deep slumber. What could we do anyway at 12 midnight?

We broke off! I stared at my lovely daughter with her sad eyes upon me as I sat on her bed.

Oh no was all I could say. I couldn’t believe it. The boy was just at our home last weekend. They had been together for more than 2 years. But then, I also recalled Butch and I broke off on our second year. I had outgrown him. I was already a working girl and he still had to graduate from his bachelor’s degree (he is younger than me). I tried to recall the pain of breaking up and what I did to alleviate it. Doing something new and keeping busy was what kept me going.

I told her that her dad and I had two break-ups in our 7 year steady relationship. “Relationships are not easy, my dear. It hurts because you love him. You are going to grieve the loss of a relationship. Feelings of sadness , anger, acceptance and moving on will be part of the healing process. Just like I often say to the newly bereaved parents, you will start looking for your “new normal”. A life without your loved one. That is the moving on phase where you live the life of being single again. The “we” that was there before is now broken.” I didn’t have to talk much as all she wanted was my unconditional love.

“I’ll enroll you in that pottery class every weekend. Try something new.“, I suggested.

She warmed up to the idea. “that sounds like a great activity that I can start“.

I know she will need to figure things out for herself without mommy. Her mommy can only hug her and say “things will be better. Keep on praying for guidance”

I love you mom.

My heart breaks as I see her forlorn expression.

Unfortunately, I can’t mend her broken heart. She is grieving the loss. The “band-aid” she needs is just within her reach. In time , she will heal. I believe the terms “grieving” and “healing” are synonymous. As she grieves, she heals.

Funeral Events Coordinator

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150px-Candleburning.jpgThe mother of a my husband’s brother-in-law passed away early this morning. Although the mom was ill for the last two months, her death was still sudden. A few minutes before she passed away, she scribbled a note saying “Welcome J and A”. It’s like she knew she was leaving. Since the children are all based abroad, they had to rely on friends and relatives to check on things while they prepared for their trip to the Philippines. How stressful it must be for them to think of all the funeral arrangements. Having experienced 5 deaths in my immediate family from 1976 to 2003, the stress alone in funeral arrangements is overwhelming. While on our way to the chapel tonight, I told my husband that we should consider having funeral insurance (I forgot the term for it). I can’t imagine having to burden our children with our funeral.

When my father died in 2003, the “funeral assistance” component of my sister’s Philamlife plan did a wonderful job of coordinating paperwork, details for the coffin, the funeral car etc. All we had to do was approve it or provide suggestions. This was not the case when my son died in 2000. One does not expect to bury your child so one is totally unprepared for this formidable task. An accidental death in a city far away from home added to burden. Where can we get 70,000 pesos at 7:00 PM to pay for the coffin? Where can we get the death certificate at this time of the night? On a saturday night? What ? Where? How? By God’s grace, friends and political connections produced the cash and the death certificate. The task of choosing a coffin is the most depressing job ever but it needs to be done. My 14 year old daughter sensed my hesitation and held my hand as we shopped for a coffin. Walking like a zombie, I jolted from my stupor when she pointed to a purple coffin.

A purple coffin , mom!

huh?

Oh no, dear. Luijoe is a boy and he can’t be buried in a purple coffin.

For a brief moment, mother and daughter laughed. We found humor in an otherwise depressing situation.

See, if there was a funeral events coordinator ( much like a wedding events coordinator), we would not have to face such a
daunting and crazy task. In my deepest despair, I might have ended up agreeing with Lauren’s choice of a purple coffin.

Sulong Negosyo at Market! Market!

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sulong negosyonegosyoMy purpose for attending the Sulong Negosyo at Market! Market! was to meet Lynn, the owner of Crazy Choco. She sells Chocolate Fountain and fondue set and I’ve been meaning to buy the latter. See, I took photos of her Crazy Choco booth in Fil-Negosyo Expo 2006 last month. Fortunately for her, two customers surfed my photo gallery and saw the chocolate fountain photo flowing with Belgian Chocolate. Yum. The good news was these gallery visitors bought from her. I was hoping she’d give me a discount on the fondue set which is priced at 1,200 pesos. So anyway, armed with my digital camera and fresh from my gym workout, I headed towards the exhibits.

sme centerpear2.netThe Sulong Negosyo at Trade Hall A, Bonifacio Global City is sponsored by the Department of Trade and Industry. Over 100 exhibitors showed various products from all over the Philippines. When I saw the expo, I totally forgot about my purpose there . I was fascinated with the Small and Medium Enterprises (SME ) EXPO’s barangay/village fiesta concept that simulated a small community with a barangay hall where business name registration, business counseling and advisory services were undertaken. Even supportive banks. There was also a town plaza concept where video programs promoting the services offered by various institutions to SMEs can be viewed. There’s a seminar rooms where skills and managerial briefings useful to would-be and existing entrepreneurs are conducted . And lastly a commercial area (Pamilihan) was setup for participating SMEs to retail their products and/or promote their franchise businesses.

Today, the government is actively supporting our micro entrepreneurs with their One Town One Product (OTOP) .This was merely a concept when I worked for the Small Scale industry in the early 1980s. If you’re interested to start a business one day, one should attend Guide to RA 9178 Barangay Micro Business Enterprises Act of 2002 to be held on Friday , at 5:00 to 6:00 PM. This is a remake of previous laws in the past but the classification of a micro business’ asset has now been raised to 3 million pesos.

Research on small and medium scale enterprises development was my pet project before I settled down to become a mother and home maker in 1987. I can see that there is indeed some progress through the years. We can’t rely solely on overseas employment income to sustain our economy. Together with the development of Information technology sector, agro-industries, and our small and medium and micro-enterprises, our country’s economy will surely boom.

View the photo gallery of the Sulong Negosyo-SME EXPO at Market! Market!

Pushing Family Buttons

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20051126_JJCK_superyou-buttons.jpgWho knows better how to push our buttons than family members? Family members encompass our family of origin and our spouse’ extended family. I just recalled Cathy’s blog entry, Portrait of Marriage which talked about LEAVING – leaving your parents physically, emotionally, financially, is crucial to every marriage. This doesn’t mean not wanting to associate with parents. Families that stay together are an incredible blessing. One needs a good balance between having a healthy relationship with parents, family and friends, but not letting those relationships interfere with your personal relationship with each other.

A family member really pushed my buttons the past months because I refused to get sucked in to their manipulative control. Worse, I found out another family member blames me solely for the death of my son. True, I feel the guilt but to be blamed blatantly is just so irritating. This latest blow left me in an emotional tailspin for a few hours. An honest discussion with my husband over this family member helped a lot because he gave me total support and love. I used to hide my feelings from my husband just to preserve family peace but what about my peace of mind? The “new me” is more assertive and communicative with my feelings. I know that I shouldn’t give these family member the power to annoy me. I know I cannot control what they do or try to do but I can gain some sense of control on how I choose to react.

Their behavioral patterns with me are their issues. How I react or allow these patterns to influence me is my issue. How I take care of myself is my issue. I can love my family and still refuse to buy into their issues. I can love my family but refuse their efforts to manipulate, control or produce guilt in me. I can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. I can set the boundaries I need with family members without being disloyal to the family.

I can learn to love my family without forfeiting love and respect for myself.

Letting out Anger

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galit.jpgI am angry at this person. If I was working on my recovery program, I wouldn’t get angry. If I was a good Christian, I wouldn’t feel [tag]angry[/tag]…. If I am really using the daily affirmations about how happy I am, I wouldn’t be angry. Those are the old messages that seduces us into not feeling again. Anger is a part of life. We need not dwell in it but we can’t afford to ignore it. So why am I angry, you ask?

Without going into sordid details, it’s about my TV interviews and our grief journey. This person hasn’t even seen any of my TV interviews . This person just overheard it from someone. Who knows how that person related the interview? Yes , this person has no gender because this person could be anyone. Look, I don’t even want to appear on TV. I am a shy person. But after going through the Purpose Driven Life, I have learned that…

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Laughter rings on Father’s Day

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5a.jpglechon_inasal
Cebu Pcoherocebu paellaThe poetry therapy at the Compassionate Friends meeting yesterday made Butch and everyone else in a jovial mood. (see pics here) In our meetings, we laugh and cry as we share our stories. But yesterday, laughter rang out more often the tears. Our facilitator, Victor Emmanuel Carmelo D. Nadera Jr. is a brillant poet and therapist. This poet had such a great sense of humor. He was able to draw out the hidden poet in all of us. Everyone agreed it was one of our most enjoyable meetings. The session probably helped ease the depression of most of the bereaved fathers in the room because right after the meeting, Butch celebrated his cheerful disposition by having dinner out. Normally special occasions like [tag]Father’s day[/tag] bring out twinges of sadness in him . Fortunately the 2 girls joined us at the meeting but were late for the actual session.

We had dinner at Jun Jun’s Cebu Lechon Restaurant at The Fort. The famous Cebu Lechon Inasal (Roasted Pig) , Cebu Pochero (Filipino Beef stew) and Cebu Paella (Spanish Rice dish) was our main course. If you’re a Cebuano, you usually don’t dip your lechon meat with lechon sauce. That’s what I told the girls but probably they are so used to dipping sauces. The lechon meat is already flavorful right to the bones that the sauce just mask the unique taste of our Cebu Lechon. It was a great meal fit for an advanced Father’s Day celebration. Today, we are busy packing up as the girls move out to their dorms tonight.

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Death in the Time of Hepatitis

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Reuben LardizabalThat’s my younger brother , Reuben who died on June 11, 1990 due to fulminant Hepatitis A. He left behind a young wife, a three year old and a three week old infant son. There is more to his death than just an illness. This feature article written by my sister Belen thirteen years ago explains it more. (Read here and here)

Reuben Veloso Lardizabal, 28 , was a young family man, a writer, a labor ogranizer, and a law graduate student. He was in other words, full of promise and conviction. But death spares no one. He is the Hepatitis epidemic’s first casualty.

Last May 1-4, 1990, our family helds it’s first reunion in Cebu City, including our children, husbands, and wives. Little did we know that this joyous occasion would also lead to one of the saddest moments in our live.

Three weeks after our reunion, I, my brothers David and Reuben, my sister Lorna , and niece Lauren were struck down with Hepatitis A, a viral infection of the liver transmitted through fecal contamination of ingested food or water. We were unaware initially that several other residents and neighbors in the Lahug district, Cebu City had also been suffering from hepatitis since May. Surprisingly , most of the victims were from middle to upper income bracket.

On June 11, 1990, my dear brother Reuben succumbed to the ravages wrought on him by acute viral hepatitis. Our family held a second reunion- this time , for Reuben’s funeral. (Continue reading here and here)

family photo
The family photo taken during that fateful reunion in May 1-4,1990. It was a reunion for my dad who we thought was dying (dad died 13 years later though)

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The Grief Interview with Cheche Lazaro

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Update on Cheche Lazaro: (May 8, 2009) Cheche Lazaro and the Wire Tapping Case filed by GSIS

cheche lazaroTo be interviewd by Cheche Lazaro in “Straight Talk” is an honor. Her interview style is excellent. You know, I usually get a pre-interview by production assistants days before a show. This is normal procedure since hosts are usually busy. It surprised me that no one from ANC (ABS-CBN News Channel) called me up. Hmm, I thought that maybe Cheche can handle it herself. The only call I received was from the production assistant of the executive producer. He was so touched after reading Luijoe’s memorial website and wanted to borrow Luijoe’s photos for a clear graphic shot. They went all the way to the house just to get the photo albums.

Before the live interview, I caught up with Cheche at the dressing room and we had a little chat as the makeup artists retouched our shiny faces. I am amazed at her preparation for this episode. She printed out research materials on grief and highlighted sentences in my story of the Fallen Cradle. She told me that this is a fairly new topic rarely discussed on TV. I know. I told her that grief education is quite new in our country and we’re just taking off with the introduction of grief pyschologists and grief support groups.

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