Tis the season to be jolly…fa-la-la-la-la. Right, it may be a season to be jolly for most of us but there are a few out there who experience the holiday blues for so many reasons. I can see it in the emails I receive. I am not a counselor but for some reason, more and more visitors email me asking for advice for all sorts of reason. Of course, their questions are for my eyes only. They are sad, lonely and depressed. The suicide rate is even the highest during this holiday season. How I wish I could help but I am not a professional counselor though I can offer friendly advice. I’ve gathered a few tips for those feeling the holiday blues. As you might know, the holiday blues is defined as a feeling of sadness, loneliness, depression and even anxiety that often occur in and around the holiday season.” You or your loved one might be having a temporary spell of the blues without knowing it. There is nothing abnormal about having the “holiday blues,” which are more like a mood than any sort of lasting condition. Depression, anxiety, and other psychological symptoms are associated with the holidays because this season brings back memories of a happier time in our lives.

Who experiences the Blues?

People who might be at risk for feeling blue at the holidays include:

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When it comes to local showbiz scenes and Who’s Who?, I am totally clueless. Local Filipino movies just don’t interest me at all…unless I get invited by a friend or I know the people involved in the production. There is the movie The White Lady which we watched only because the director was Butch’s classmate in Law School. Then the last movie I watched was I’ve Fallen For You directed by Lino Cayetano because he is a family friend. This afternoon was a bit different. Together with some bloggers, I attended a grand press conference for Batanes, a love story co-directed by Dave Hukon and internationally acclaimed young indie-director Adolf Alix Jr. Written by Arah Badayos, the film is a love story between a Filipina and a Taiwanese and circles around how the waters of Batanes test their love and individualities.

The film stars Ken Zhu of the Taiwanese boy band F-4 fame and Iza Calzado. At the press conference, I felt really out of place amidst the showbiz reporters. Haha, I was laughing at myself as I embarked on this latest adventure as it is so out of character. But wait, I attended the Press Conference as my way of helping promote Batanes Islands. The fastest route to Batanes is through Asian Spirit which is the only airline that flies to Batanes and other remote islands in the Philippines. Asian Spirit is also the major sponsor of Batanes which is really nice gesture on their part to support an indie film.

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Technorati Tags: Asian Spirit

I am disappointed in the lack of balance on how media (and some blogs) are treating Mariannet Amper’s death. Even the Catholic Church, for goodness sake. Today is Mariannet’s burial but our beloved Catholic Church in St. Francis of Assisi Parish Church in Barangay Ma-a is in a dilemma. She might not be given funeral rites despite being a devout Catholic because of some old-fashioned priest.

Is it because he or some of us are still living in the dark ages where suicide is taboo? Or are we in denial, uncomfortable or just limited in our knowledge that some young kids like Mariannet may suffer from depression or chemical imbalance which may have pushed her to die by suicide?

Much of this stigma is is a carryover from the Middle Ages. Victims were forbidden traditional funerals and burials, and suicide was considered both illegal and sinful by the laws and religions of the time.

Today, we understand that most suicides are the result of biochemical illnesses such as clinical depression. Yet, the stigma associated with suicide often forces family members to choose between secrecy about the death and social isolation. Even media avoids talking about it except for a few radio stations that invited a doctor to speak on depression and suicide.

I will emphasize my points below:

1. Focus on poverty situation is one-sided. Almost all the news and blogs talk on poverty or blaming the government (except for news reported here and here). What about the suicide awareness and prevention? We do not know for sure what caused Mariannet to die of suicide. For all we know, Mariannet may have suffered severe depression, which is not the same as merely sad or something that you can snap out of it in a second. Depression affects both the wealthy and economically disadvantaged individuals.

Media needs to address a balance of both the poverty and Suicide Prevention and Awareness as well.

2. Suicide is an illness, not a sin.. Fr. Zenon Ampong, their parish priest in Davao is uncertain about the request of the family of Mariannet for her to be brought to the church for funeral rites citing the policy of the Catholic Church on suicide. Not all Catholic priests are like Fr. Ampong. I bet he is the same type of priest who refuses to bless the dead if the death is caused by suicide but bless cars, pigs, houses…what hypocrisy! May Mariannet rest in peace even without that priest’ blessing.

(Update: November 11, 2007: Fr. Ampong’s gives funeral rites but his sermon shows his ignorance on depression and suicide.. How simplistic his reasons are! But then understanding suicide is not an easy matter either.)

He said that the Mariannet’s death was the result of the sins of other people….The world has been overwhelmed by the sins of the people against others, and this has been paid by Mariannet’s own life, he added.

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Technorati Tags: Mariannet Amper, Catholic Church, suicide, depression

If you read today’s papers, Mariannet Amper, a 12 year old girl from Davao died of suicide out of despair for her family’s impoverished life. Yesterday, Nel, a 14 year old boy climbed a flyover in Iloilo in a suicide attempt apparently fuelled by rugby. A few weeks back, Julie wrote about Kristen Ariane Cuenca, a third grader who jumped off from the fourth level of a building of Malate Catholic School because of depression. She was only 9 years old.

These stories are alarming since these kids are so young and they all happened in a span of less than one month. To think that in my radio interview last Monday, I received 3 phone inquiries about suicide and depression. I was unprepared to handle suicide questions because I am not an expert in suicide though I have read a lot of materials on the subject matter in the course of my research on grief education. I have also talked to a few parents who lost their child by suicide. Instead, I referred them to a psychiatrist so a diagnosis could be made. There could be more childhood suicide, adolescent suicide or even suicide attempts that are not reported in the news.

Who is to blame? What causes these kids to turn to suicide as the answer to their pain?

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Technorati Tags: Mariannet Amper, childhood suicide, adolescent suicide, suicide

This photo was two months after Luijoe’s death. Here are my two daughters in their early teens about to release balloons on Luijoe’s 7th birth Anniversary. The sunny skies greeted us as we celebrated that day with balloons, his favorite gummy bear, flowers , candles and incense sticks. All of us signed something on the smiley balloon by Luijoe’s grave. As I look at this photo, I could not imagine my children’s grief until many years after. This was how Lauren expressed her grief 3 years after the death of her brother:

Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. I chose to deal with my sadness through writing down what I felt in my journal. I suppose I could have talked to my friends about it, but I knew in my heart that they could not comprehend the magnitude of my sorrow and guilt unless they themselves have experienced death, which they haven’t.

During my bereavement, one thing that exasperated me was when people would tell me things like, ‘At least your brother is an angel in heaven now.’ Though I know they meant well by these attempts to comfort me, I did not want to picture Luijoe hovering in and out of the clouds with a pair of wings and a halo. I wanted him to be alive, to be as annoying as little brothers are; anywhere but inside a wooden casket buried six feet under a fine carpet of Bermuda grass.

Grief is a never-ending process. The beautiful thing about grieving is that even though you will never get over the death of your loved one, you will learn to move on and live without that person. Death like any great wound leaves a scar that will heal with time. But the mark will always remain, and so will the memories of your loved one.

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It’s my husband’s turn to be featured on TV . For many years after my son’s death, my husband was inconsolable often in a depressed mode. In our “modern day” society it is especially difficult for fathers to grieve openly, caught in a catch 22 of how to express the deep pain they are experiencing. Men don’t cry, men do not emote, men do not hug (maybe at the funeral) men don’t go to support groups, men don’t call in sick because they are screaming inside, They are the man of the family. Fathers are the fix it guys, the protector, the strength and the rock the family needs for support. More often than not, people will ask a bereaved father “how is your wife doing? This must be extremely hard for her”.

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I have not read Harry Potter Book 7 ( Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ).

There are rumors suggesting that one or more main characters will die. A grief counsellor claims that these deaths could cause a serious impact on children.

a “certified grief counselor” is using the release of Harry Potter’s final book to pimp herself to the media, under the guise of helping parents and children deal with grief over the death of fictional characters. Because deaths are rumored to happen in Book 7, the press release states “This could have a serious impact on children, millions of whom have grown up reading, watching and profoundly enjoying the characters and storylines of the Harry Potter series.”

Source: via Harry Potter Grief Counseling?

and this bit of news from the UK

Meanwhile, parents in Britain have been told to prepare for grief counselling. The media is warning that for many young readers, Harry’s death could be as devastating as the death of a best friend, pet or even a relative. The Daily Telegraph reported last week that even child psychologists are getting into the act. It cited American child psychologist Michael Brody who has come up with a three-point bereavement plan to help parents comfort their mourning children.

Source: Will Harry Potter live or die?

Really now? I read the news out loud to Marielle and she just laughed. “Mom, I cried when the mommy dinosaur died in The Land Before Time movie. I was way younger . I turned out fine.”

I can only roll my eyes at the obvious marketing ploy of some enterprising grief counsellors. Children are very resilient. Children who have gone as far as Book 7 know the characters are just make-believe. They can re-read the book over and over again to digest the loss of their favorite character .

The question is when does a child need a grief counsellor or any kind of professional help? or what are the signs that a parent need to watch over their child when they are faced with a loss of a favorite story character, a pet or a friend or family member?

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Technorati Tags: Harry Potter Book 7, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

A writer of a local movie production company wanted to speak to me about The Compassionate Friends, a grief support group for family members who have lost a child through death.

You know, I often receive all sorts of legitimate and stalkerish type of text messages . One time someone sent me this message “I want to be your passionate friend”

*sigh* Now you understand I need to be wary sometimes.

So anyway, the person texted back that we’re doing a movie about a family that lost a child. It would be helpful for me if I could immerse myself and capture what bereaved parents feel.

To immerse meant to attend our regular meeting. I told her it wasn’t possible because our meetings are confidential and only for bereaved family members. Even if I get permission, new members might not be open to the idea of a writer in our midst. I suggested I talk to her first before I decide to gather a group of bereaved parents for a special session.

If indeed this person is from the movie industry, I truly welcome this opportunity to educate the public on grief and family recovery. After all, grief education is a segment of The Compassionate Friend’s mission. We still live in a world where grief is a taboo topic.

I also want to see if this person is a legitimate writer. Even if she is legitimate, will their movie portray it as accurately as possible?

When it comes to developing the dramatic portion of the movie, the writer can conceive all possible scenarios of pain, anguish, desperation and all the undescribable emotions during the grief journey. The death of our child, or children, is a profound and enduring loss; so far as each of us can, we pick up the pieces of our shattered lives and try to make some sense of what has happened. When a child dies, no matter what their age or the cause of death, grief lasts far longer than society in general recognizes. The death of a child is an unacceptable tragedy and it can take a long time before one can regain any sense of normality in their life.

The problem really is not the dramatic portion but the dialogue of the characters.

So I thought of listing down a wish list of ideas.

Whether the movies, TV shows or new reporting, here is my wish list on grief education:

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I’ve been meaning to list down 5 ways to comfort a bereaved family or relative in conjunction with Darren Rowse’s Top 5 Group Writing Project. In most of my meetings with the bereaved, a common complaint is the insensitivity of concerned friends or relatives. Of course, we know the depth of concern they have towards us but in their enthusiasm, they blurt out the most insensitive remarks. Newly bereaved are very sensitive to these remarks.

Our wonderful, concerned, well-meaning friends don’t know. They can only imagine how the newly bereaved feel. They haven’t personally known (thank God) the disbelief, the shock, the anger of losing a child or any loved one. Instead of bringing relief, those words just seem to add to the hurt and the grief. There are no words that will make it all right that someone we loved has died. But there are ways that can soothe the hurt, ease the loneliness and add to the healing. Recently, my sister visited The Compassionate Friends to get tips on how to comfort a family whose daughter died of suicide.

I’d like to share some of the ways to comfort the bereaved:

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