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Grief

Where I am today

DadoFamily214I often wonder how he would look like today. The young man as he often called himself even at 6 years old, is supposed to be an incoming college freshman, the last of my children to be in school.

Would he have been taller than my husband? Would he have the same gleaming smile? Will he still throw me kisses and give me a bunch of flowers with an ““I love you” note? Would he still be cracking jokes? I can’t imagine because I will always remember him as an innocent and beautiful 6 year old boy whose death caused my world to spin around and around. I still miss him dearly but the pain is not heart wrenching anymore. I don’t feel like I am drowning in pain. I yearn for him especially during birth and death anniversaries or when I see a boy similar to his age.

Like this very moment, I think of Luijoe. Tomorrow is his 10th angel year.

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““I don’t know how you’ve survived. It would kill me to lose my child.” Oh, to have one peso for every time I heard that sentence! I’d spend every one of those pesos for an answer, for you see, I don’t know how I’ve survived. What choice did I have? Each transistion has been work, hard work, sorting through what it means and learning to function in the face of these circumstances not of my choosing. Five years living as a zombie and the next five years in my new normal.

My new normal as a blogger served me well: my role as a bereaved mother is no longer the first way I define who I am, but it is ever-present in my life and cannot be separated from all that I am . . . for the rest of my life.

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Ambivalent towards Erap

I feel ambivalent towards Erap.

I neither like nor dislike him. My feelings has something to do with the memories of my little boy. My 6 year old son adored Erap. Luijoe thought the world of the former president. Luijoe yelled at the top of his voice that Erap was the smartest president in the whole world, in a jumpacked room at a plane ticket office ten summers ago.

In his booming voice, he threw his hands up in the air , twirling around the room, “Mom, President Erap is so smart, the smartest president in the whole wide world”.

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Nobody in that room could deny not hearing my son’s adulation. It was May 2000 at the height of Erap’s unpopularity. I wanted the floor to open up and swallow both of us. I could feel the steely gaze and snickers surrounding us. My boy never sensed the awkwardness of the situation but I wanted to save face.

“So , why is Erap the smartest president in the whole wide world?”, as I squeaked the question to my naughty son.

“Mom, his jokes mom. He says the funniest jokes. That is very smart of him” (or something like that)

See my son had a great sense of humor and loved to throw a joke or two. Then he discovered the Erap jokes during one of our conversations. Luijoe overheard us laughing to our heart’s content on an Erap joke. He wanted to know why were laughing. He badgered to know the joke. So I narrated the joke

Erap: Miss, do you have a ballpen?
Clerk: Sorry, sir we don’t have any ballpen
Erap (angry): Why did you name your store “Penshoppe“?

royal_elastics 043.jpgHow my boy laughed! Luijoe loved to tell this joke to everyone . One time, Luijoe and I passed by Penshoppe ( a teen fashion store) in Glorietta mall and I teased him if he wanted to go inside with me , so I could ask the same question Erap asked. Luijoe tugged me away. hehe

I bought him the book , “Joke ni Erap” by the Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism in early 2000. Luijoe often packed this Erap Joke book in his backpack and kept re-reading those jokes that he could understand. He loved the book so much, he even labelled it with his name. Here are a few of his favorite jokes culled from that book.
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How my son inspired me to start a grief support advocacy

““My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me ?”

I can easily relate to one of the last words of a dying Christ.

Who has not, at some dark hour, cried out to the heavens in anguish and pain and wondered if indeed we have been cursed and abandoned by God ?

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Image taken from Luijoe’s prayer book

The image of a dying Jesus Christ , a sorrowful Mother Mary and a comforting John never fails to bring me tears as poignant memories of my son drift into my mind. I wrote this story when I first started this blog 4 years ago and I think it is worth sharing again.

Being a “cafeteria Catholic” my religious faith was at best mediocre. Luijoe, my innocent and religious 6 year old son often chastised me for not praying hard enough . I felt like a terrible mother who led a ho-hum religious existence. Gosh, we learn so much from our children , don’t we? It is Good Friday , one of my treasured memories that remind me of my son. The image of the dying Jesus when he blurted out ” “Woman, behold thy son, Behold thy mother” struck a chord in my son’s heart.
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Grief Gone Viral- Tweeting a Child’s Death

I’ve been there. I’ve been judged. I understand the anger of @Miltary_Mom when people started to judge her when she tweeted on the drowning of her two-year old son Bryson Ross in the swimming pool of their home in Merritt Island, Fla.

Shellie Ross otherwise known as @Miltary_Mom and who blogs at blog4mom.com tweeted the following:

5:22 p.m. – a breezy update about the fog rolling in and spooking the chickens as she worked in her chicken coop.

16 minutes later, , a 911 call was placed from her home saying that Bryson was lying at the bottom of the pool.

6:12 p.m. ““Please pray like never before, my 2 yr old fell in the pool.”

5 hours later, she wrote in tweeter ““remembering my million dollar baby” then posted photos of the little boy. (Some of these tweets and photos have since been removed.)


Then violent reactions errupted:

Not long after that, a firestorm erupted on Twitter, with strangers wondering what kind of mother tweets during a crisis. The debate has been going on for days around the Internet, with critics calling Ross callous (and suggesting that if she had been paying as much attention to her child as she had to her Twitter account, her son would not have come to harm) and supporters (many who know her in real life, and others who have never met her) describing her as a caring mother who reached out to her virtual community during a tragedy.

A local paper quoted Madison McGraw saying that ““If she didn’t want questions raised at such a painful time, perhaps she shouldn’t have tweeted immediately after her child died. A child is dead because (of) his mother’s infatuation with Twitter.”

In Madison’s blog, she points out that “Between the hours of 8:37 a.m. and 5:22 p.m (her first and last before son was found drowned in pool) she tweeted 74 times. ”
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Eulogy to a Friend

(Berthram (Nonoy) Tan, Best Friends Forever UP Cebu 74-78 died on September 27 due to Myocardial Infarction. He came to Cebu and pretended to invite Robert, fellow classmate to dinner at Laguna Garden. Unknowingly,he was part of the game plan of Robert’s children to give a special surprise silver anniversary party. They had grand time that night and parted ways wee hours of the morning.

The next day , Nonoy woke up to get ready to depart for manila and had breakfast. He wasn’t able to reach back to his room and fell unconscious.He was DOA when he reached Cebu Doctor’s Hospital.)

This is my eulogy which I read last night during the necrological services.

Dear family, relatives and friends and Best Friends Forever,

I am not a stranger to death. I lost my mother, father, my two brothers and most painful of all my beloved son. 5 deaths in the family.
Still, the loss of a friend hits me hard. Even if my house in Manila is
undergoing a clean up operation due to Ondoy flood damage, I knew I
just had to come here to Cebu and pay my last respect to a friend.

I only met Nonoy in 2006 when Joan invited me for his birthday
celebration. I was like ” who is nonoy tan?”. But see, we shared
mutual friends from our group, Best Friends Forever . I had no idea who he was. Meeting him for the first time, we hit it off right away. It helped that he knew my dad .We could relate to stories of our common classmates and both had health issues with our heart.
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Save our Children from Death Due to Pneumococcal Disease

I encounter all sorts of stories about children’s death in the course of my advocacy work in The Compassionate Friends, a grief support group for those who have lost a child. I often hear the word “if only”, “what if?” and so many words of regret and guilt. I can’t help but cry along with their heartbreaking stories. Sometimes, cause of deaths are accidental, congenital or some complication of a disease. In the Philippines alone, the statistics are alarming.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), up to 1 million children under the age of five die from pneumococcal disease every year. Pneumococcal disease includes serious, invasive diseases such as meningitis, pneumonia and blood infection (bacteraemia), to less severe, but highly prevalent diseases, such as otitis media, sinusitis and bronchitis. The WHO estimates reveal that over 90% of children’s deaths caused by pneumococcal disease occur in developing countries. Philippines is listed in the top ten of countries with this high mortality rate.

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Each year, around 1 million succumb to Invasive Pneumococcal Diseases (IPD); including 82,000 Filipino children. WHO and UNICEF further underscores the importance of IPD by identifying its bacteria, Streptococcus pneumoniae, to be the leading cause of Pneumonia. In the Asia Pacific region alone, 98 children die from Pneumonia every hour – more than AIDS, malaria and measles combined. My friend lost her 4 year old daughter due to this type of pneumonia. Thinking it was just high fever and bad cold, she didn’t know that one of her lungs was already filled with water. At that time, she wasn’t aware that there was a vaccine against pneumonia or it was even there.
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President Cory Aquino’s Funeral Procession

““I believe that during these times, we should not forget that many sacrificed to regain our democracy.” Corazon Aquino
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My legs dangling from the makeshift platform of the media truck. I couldn’t stand up because I don’t have balance after I broke my ankle 4 years ago.

President Cory Aquino is an extraordinary woman that I risked my limb just to take photos of the funeral procession. Never did I imagine that it would take 9 hours. Just the other day, covering the transfer from La Salle Greenhills to Manila Cathedral took 5 hours which I thought was already a long drive. Never, ever will I ride on an open truck for half a day under strong rains, soaking pants, hunger, thirst, huge cameras hitting on my head, and being shoved by media just to take photos of an event. Unless of course, a president as great as President Corazon Aquino will come along. Maybe not in my lifetime.


Hear the outpouring of love and sympathy from this video I took from Manila Cathedral to Manila Memorial Park

The people who lined the streets for hours were just in the same position as myself. Drenched by torrential rains brought by Typhoon “Kiko” and enduring hunger and thirst as they waited for hours for the Philippine flag draped casket of our beloved President Cory to pass by, I can see it as a small sacrifice for a woman who restored our democracy. Our sacrifice is nothing compared to what Cory and her family endured to save our nation from the tyranny of a Marcos dictatorship. It was a small sacrifice for me as well to sit for 9 hours on an open truck because my balance to stand up on the makeshift platform of a moving truck seemed unstable for me to take snapshots of the unfolding scene.

I know it’s cliche to say that there are no words to describe the incredible outpouring of public sympathy today. I also have another reason: I am dead tired but I will update this entry as soon as I get enough rest. You will see photos of people rich and poor who stayed for hours on the streets to bid farewell to a great woman until her final resting place. The scene is reminiscent of the burial of former Senator Benigno “Ninoy” Aquino Jr. who was assassinated in 1983.

Here are the Photos of the 9 hour ride from Manila Cathedral to Manila Memorial Park. Dressed in a raincoat, holding on to an umbrella and removing my shoes, here is my labor of love, my tribute to a woman I admire.

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Manila Cathedral at 7:00 Am just before the mass started at 9:00 AM

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The funeral convoy started from the Manila Cathedral at 11:30 a.m. Here are mourners along the Anda Circle as they waved ““L” signs with their forefingers and thumbs to denote ““Laban” (Fight) . I do hope we Filipinos continue with the fight.

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Coverage of Cory Aquino’s Memorial Sevices: La Salle Greenhills to Manila Cathedral

Update (August 5)– View Photos and Video of the President Cory Aquino Burial

Faith is not simply a patience that passively suffers until the storm is past. Rather, it is a spirit that bears things – with resignations, yes, but above all, with blazing, serene hope. Corazon Aquino

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That’s me in yellow taking video footage as I held on to my dear life on the iron railings of the truck. Photo credits to Liyam

The stirring scene that unfolded before me as President Aquino’s cortege passed all the way from La Salle Greenhills to Manila Cathedral is just overwhelming. I had no idea that a huge number of people would show up. Traffic stopped. People got out of their cars, clapping, calling out “Cory Cory”. All people from all walks of life, either threw confettis, balloons, held placards “we love you Cory”. I got goosebumps just hearing the people cry out “cory cory”. Here are the photos I took as I joined photographers and media on an open truck which was positioned right in front of President Aquino’s cortege. I endured 5 hours of heat, thirst and cramped space just to take photos and witness the outpouring of love along the streets. Mind you, I usually don’t join traditional media for current affairs but this is a historical event. If you see the photos, I don’t think there will be anything like this in the near future.


Video Footage I took from La Salle Greenhills to Ayala Avenue

Here is a labor of love , videos and capture of 300 photos for those who couldn’t be there for her memorial services. These are just a preview of these photos.(videos after the photos)

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At La Salle Greenhills just before leaving for Manila Cathedral

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At 11:00 AM, President Aquino’s cortege left La Salle Greenhills. Our media truck was right in front of their truck but I was unable to get a nice shot from this angle except when the truck turned into a corner.
Read More »Coverage of Cory Aquino’s Memorial Sevices: La Salle Greenhills to Manila Cathedral

Covering Cory Aquino’s Wake

(Update : Read my entry on Cory’s Funeral Convoy from La Salle Greenhills to Manila Cathedral)

It’s my husband’s fault. He woke me up at 6:00 AM and said that if I wanted to attend the Cory Aquino’s memorial services, I should queue by 7:00 AM. I arrived at La Salle Greenhills before 7:00 AM and the long queue outside the gates looked frustrating. I took my chance and requested for media accreditation from the Secretariat at Gate 2. Armed with my Media ID card from Philippine Online Chronicles I got my yellow colored media ID card. So here I am live-blogging, and covering Cory Aquino’s wake in La Salle GreenHills. Taking photos inside the gym had certain guidelines and I wish to respect that. I couldn’t take much of the President Cory Aquino’s casket but I took snippets of the people and activities that transpired today.

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Cory T-shirts for sale by vendors at 120 pesos each

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The line before the public viewing opened at 7:00 AM
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a mom blogger who advocates constructive engagement in issues on family & society.
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