Coping and Surviving Christmas

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last christmas
(Luijoe’s last Christmas in 1999, Baguio City)

Christmas is a special time of year. Although shiny decorations and twinkling lights are the window dressing for this exciting festivity, it is the warmth and love of family and friends that make the holiday season so memorable. However, it can be a painful time for those experiencing the recent loss of a loved one. It must be hard for the newly bereaved family members who lost Anne Sherina only last Monday, December 18, 2006. Anne Sherina died of “pulmonary affliction due to Dengue Shock Syndrome”. Grief in Christmas is doubly daunting for this family.

So when ABS-CBN “Salamat Doc” called me up to guest live for tomorrow’s Christmas Eve 6:00 AM episode, I didn’t hesitate. Though my busy schedule was full, I made room for this show. I know there are a lot of newly bereaved and seasoned grievers who are still coping with the difficulties of the holidays. My heart sometimes still echoes with emptiness as I roll out the gingerbread dough or hang the Christmas Angel cookies near Luijoe’s Memorial shrine. I think that hurt will always be with me, but now I know it only as a momentary ache – not like the first year when grief drowned over me in huge waves, each new wave hurling me deeper and deeper into despair.

My husband and I have walked that difficult road every Christmas.

The staff took a VTR of how I coped with Christmas through the years. I showed Luijoe’s memorial table, his memory box, toys, books and all the angel decors of our family den. I thought that my husband would buckle down in tears because he has never opened Luijoe’s photo album in years. The staff told us to sift through Luijoe’s photos. This VTR is indeed therapy for my husband. Knowing we are helping others gives us the courage to share our story, on how we coped and survived. We want to show that love isn’t something that ends with death.

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Worldwide Candle Lighting

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candle light ceremony
There was a glow at the UP Sunken Garden Sunday evening as friends and family members of the Compassionate Friends Philippines gathered to light candles in memory of our beloved children. Despite the stormy weather, it did not stop the members from going to the event. About 30 people, attended the 10th annual Worldwide Candle Lighting. This is the First Candle ceremony in the Philippines though. In the worldwide ceremony family and friends across the world light a candle at 7 p.m. local time for one hour, starting in New Zealand. As candles burn down in each time zone they are lit in the next to give off 24 hours of continuous light around the globe. The ceremony is held the second Sunday in December. It starts at the International Date Line west of the Hawaiian Islands and works its way eastward, creating a virtual wave of light as it moves from one time zone to the next.

candleIn our Candle Ceremony, Cathy Babao-Guballa read the Memory Candles Poem where she lit 4 candles. One candle represents our GRIEF, one for our COURAGE, one for our MEMORIES and one for our LOVE. Each family that lost a child lit the candle in the butterfly candle holder as their child’s name was called from the Powerpoint Presentation. We continued to read Candle Light Poems till the clock struck past 7:00 PM.

Why do we light candles?

Our children, each of them a bright flame to us in life and in death, are not forgotten. It gives parents an opportunity to commemorate and honor their child’s memory and offers hope. This isn’t a doom-and-gloom thing; this is a very positive event and something our members look forward to, as it gives them a chance to honor their child and help others who might be going through their first Christmas without their child. As my husband lit a candle for my Luijoe, he was moved to tears. It was indeed a touching moment in time.

As I type this entry, the 24 hour candle lighting vigil will commence in a few hours in the USA time zone.

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A Daddy’s Girl

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my dadToday is the third death anniversary of my dad. I miss my dad terribly. My dad outlived two of my brothers, my mom and his grandchild, Luijoe. It’s a grand slam. He was a bereaved spouse, a bereaved father and bereaved grandfather. Now who could beat that? During the funeral of my brother, Oscar in April 1999, my dad collapsed right after the burial. Dad never got to walk again till his death in December 5, 2003. I didn’t tell dad that Luijoe died because my dad was already sick in the year 2000. Another loss would surely devastate him. We were afraid dad would join him in death if he ever found out, knowing how he doted on all his grandchildren. We couldn’t risk telling him because we were not ready to see dad go yet. Four years later, dad died of complications from diabetes and hypertension. Often, I question God why my father who was a good man, a loving father, a generous provider had to suffer for 4 years. All these deaths in my family made me wonder if our family was cursed or something. Should I dare say that I am blessed that God took my family members? That my dad, mom , two brothers and son ‘s mission on earth is done?

I know my father was not perfect but I adored him. When I was in college, dad often travelled to Manila to visit us at our dorms. He was never too busy to set aside family time for us. As a young widower, he often brought his girlfriend when we had dinner. We encouraged dad to re-marry but he never did. He didn’t want to cause a family rift. I thought husbands were made like my dad. I was so wrong. A lot of my marital problems was because I compared my husband and dad. Hehe, I think my husband also compared me to his sweet mom. Too bad, he married a bitch.

Christmas is fast approaching and I remember how dad made it so much fun for us. I will always associate Christmas with my dad. He literally spoiled us to death. The best gift dad ever gave us was the gift of laughter. Dad’s booming laughter often rings in my ear even in times of adversity. It is the same gift that I continue to give to my children when the going gets rough.

In honor of my dad, I now sign as Noemi Lardizabal-Dado because much of who I am is because of my dad. My dad lives on in me and in my work. I can just imagine my dad smiling at me as I do service to others.

My Dad’s Memorial Site

(Photo above is my dad during a Christmas presentation where he dances to the music “Macho Man”)

Finding the Compassionate Friends

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compassionte friendsA primetime show in Channel 7 invited me and my husband to appear for their Christmas episode. The production staff were so visibily touched by Luijoe’s story that they practically read the whole website. This TV show will portray how a bereaved couple celebrated Christmas without their loved one. I’ve noticed how grief is not a taboo subject in our local TV or magazines. Just a few years ago, the only grief article you will read in our local papers are by Cathy Babao-Guballa. I turned down the invitation because there are other touching stories from a lot of bereaved parents. I referred the production staff to a newly bereaved couple. This parent whose adult son died a year ago on a December month will be featured for that Christmas epsidoe (I will announce the schedule of the show later on). I can talk all I want about The Compassionate Friends, our local grief support group and how it helps bereaved families but it won’t have an impact unless a parent actually shares on how the group has helped them with their grief journey.

The parent didn’t believe in sharing her grief. Grief is a private matter, they thought. She didn’t even want her deceased son’s visitors to cry during the funeral. They were fine for a month or so until they could not handle their pain anymore. One day they read our article in the Sunday Inquirer . They cut the article and pinned it to their bulletin board. Looking at the pinned article everyday for two weeks, they finally found the courage to contact us. The rest is history.

compassionate friendsToday marks the first year anniversary of The Compassionate Friends Philippines. Co-founded by Cathy, Alma , myself and our spouses, we continue to bring monthly meetings to newly bereaved or seasoned grievers.

A year ago, when I first told my eldest daughter about The Compassionate Friends, she seemed worried ” So what will you be doing? Talking about your dead babies?”

My other daughter asked “Won’t you get depressed hearing sad stories?”

I stopped and thought for a minute… it is incredibly sad to hear the stories of loss and pain, but it does not depress me. I ache for those families whose loss is more recent, where the pain is a heart savagely torn into raw pieces and where the pain seems relentless and like it will last forever. But I am further along in my grief journey and I have gone through so much pain that I have learned my lessons well. I don’t know how I made it this far . I don’t know how I kept my sanity, through the past years when there were no grief support around. I know for certain that my grief journey, as hard as it has been, was made easier, and my burden lighter, through the grace of God. He was the one who enlightened me to start this support group.

Making sense out of my son’s death was the only way to understand the “why’s”.

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Text Messaging a Loved One

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text messagingHave you seen the latest commercial of SMART Telecom on text messaging ? During the first two scenes, I snickered to my husband “what a mama’s boy!” See, the guy in the commercial sends text messages to his mom’s cellphone and talks about the praises from his boss, the breakup with his girlfriend, the argument with his sister. Towards the end of that commercial, the guy sends another text message “Mom, I promised to take care of my sister even if you’re not around” . His eyes well up in tears and the photograph of his mom is shown in the background.

That was a smart commercial for two reasons: ( No pun intended)

1. It showed a creative way to unleash grief and
2. It removed the taboo on grief that guys shouldn’t cry over a loss long after the mourning period.

The scene in that commercial seems dramatic but it actually happens to some persons who have lost a loved one. We all grieve differently . What works for one won’t work for the other. Text messaging a loved one is nothing new. I know of two bereaved parents who send text messages addressed to their departed child. My friend still keeps the cellphone of her 13 year old son and when she is feeling down, she sends him a text message. Like writing, text messaging is a creative way to express grief. A great deal of pent-up emotions are often released by writing a letter or a text message saying what we wish we had or hadn’t done, or said, before they died or just simply small talk about the daily grind. Creativity encourages us to find ways to express our deepest feelings and helps us to focus on what may be very confused emotions, so that we understand them better. In grief we often feel as if we have lost control over our lives, and the satisfaction gained from the creative process gives us back a sense of achievement and self-worth.

My bereaved friends felt a bond with the theme of this commercial. Oh yes, the tears fall naturally as the commercial ends.

Thumbs up to SMART for showing this creative expression of grief.

Remembering Our Loved Ones

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IMG_0653.jpg
All Saints Day seems more like a school fair to me except there are gravestones, tents, picnic tables all over the cemetery. The mood at the cemetery is festive with children running around, the ice cream man ringing his bell, the taho vendor yelling taho, kids playing with melting candle, teens surfing at the SMART BRO internet booth, food vendors raking in some sales from the crowd. It’s a yearly ritual for our loved one whom we love, miss and remember always. Once a year, we share that common bond with families with a similar loss.

The first All Saints Day for Luijoe in 2000 felt surreal. The marble tombstone felt cold to the touch but the laughter and the crowd reminded me that Luijoe is never far from me. To my dear son, my dad, my mom, brothers Oscar and Ruben, they have not really left us but just gotten ahead of us to their real home. The memory of my loved one is a part of my life forever. Today is a celebration that love never dies.

all saints day

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A Great Teacher is Never Forgotten

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Two days ago, my daughter asked….

do you remember Miss Syquia?

Of course I remember her. How could I not forget the sweet and soft-spoken first grade teacher/homeroom adviser of my eldest daughter? Many years ago, I vowed that I’d take an active role in Parent-Teacher activities just so I can monitor the progress of my kids at school. So I asked L how her first grade teacher was.

OMG, How tragic! Miss Syquia died last Monday after giving birth to twin girls.

My heart filled with sadness. Aww how terribly shocking. After giving life , her life is taken away?

I hugged my daughter and felt her grief. I knew her teacher was like a second mother to her.

Apparently, L is still in contact with some of her classmates at Miriam College. An email got circulated to her former students since she had been a teacher for the past 15 years. Many knew her. L went on and on how her First grade teacher was so nice to her. Her succeeding teachers were not as memorable as Miss Syquia. L and I paid a visit yesterday but L refused to take a look at her coffin. L chose to remember her teacher as someone alive and well. I noticed a few of her younger students looking so sad.

I gathered from a brief talk with her husband that her married name was Ma. Theresa Erlinda Syquia Caringal and that her nickname was Ernie for short. And the cause of her death?

Pulmonary embolism

She died a week after her cesarian operation.

Such a sudden death. If that was not tragic enough, a day before Ernie died, her mom passed away. In fact her burial was just 2 days ago.

I couldn’t ask her husband on the cause of “pulmonary embolism” because I know how tiring it must be for him to keep repeating the same story all over again. Just this afternoon at our monthly Compassionate Friends meeting, a friend-doctor shared how life is just so precious. She knew of a mom who just gave birth and turned blue on the way home from the hospital. Cause of death was pulmonary embolism.

Two moms died of pulmonary embolism this week?

I gathered that pregnancy increases the risk of developing blood clots. Wow, I never knew that. I had 3 cesarian births. Though I always thought I’d die with each operation I never thought blood clots could be one of the causes of childbirth complications.

Today, Ernie was cremated. Her sudden death is very devastating to her loved ones. Trying to make sense of or understand sudden losses can be difficult. Survivors are left asking “Why?” “Why did this happen?” Like all deaths, the “why” will never be answered in this lifetime. “In our hearts, we all know that death is a part of life. In fact, death gives meaning to our existence because it reminds all of us that life is precious.” It’s just that coping with the loss is not an easy task.
teacher
L and her First Grade Teacher

The Taboo on Grief and the Filipino Culture

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butterflyA few days ago , a friend ( a member of The Compassionate Friends) and myself agreed to have an interview with Sociology students from the University of the Philippines Diliman . They are currently taking the course Sociology 182 on Qualitative Research Methods. As part of their requirements, they were tasked to accomplish a research paper with a topic of their interest. They chose the topic, “Death and Dying: The Experiences of a Mother at the Sudden Death of her Child“. That’s not a usual topic that students might choose and I was pleased at their choice. Five of us at the Compassionate Friends agreed to help out with their paper. I learned that two members of INA Foundation also participated .

What surprised me is that their professor discouraged them at the choice of their topic. In fact, they were told to drop this topic and choose another one. The professor said that they will not be able to get mothers to talk about their [tag]grief[/tag]. She added that grief is a private matter. But these girls defended their topic and believed that they will be able to get the cooperation of bereaved mothers. True enough, they got the interviews from members of INA Foundation and The Compassionate Friends. In fact they got more mothers than they initially planned.

Unfortunately, we still live in a world where grief is a taboo topic. People who don’t outwardly show grief are said to be ‘strong’ and ‘brave’ while those who show and express feelings are spoken of in derogatory terms such as ‘falling apart’ and ‘going to pieces’ or ‘breaking down’ etc. “She’s not moving on”…In reality the latter are the strong ones, as they don’t care what people think of them when they are responding to grief in a way that is right for them, (crying or being angry etc.) It takes courage to show our emotional pain in public.

Why was it not difficult to talk about our grief? [tag]Bereaved mothers[/tag] (or even fathers) need to talk about the child they have lost. It not only gives us something to do with the energy of grief, but also establishes the continuity of memory and spirit of one who was so much a part of our lives.

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Pregnancy Loss

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home-baby.jpgLast Monday, I was surprised to receive a text message from Cathy to pray for her surgery scheduled for 7:30 AM. That surprised me. I knew she had thyroid consultation and a complaint on Mittelschmertz (German for “middle pain”) and some pre-menopausal symptons. I knew something was up with Cathy because we see each other everyday, well “online” that is. So that worried me when I didn’t see her for two days. Anyway, I thought they found something in her thyroid gland which required an emergency operation. I can imagine the shock of this sudden decision. I thought of visiting her yesterday but then it was my husband’s 47th birthday. Besides , I thought she might not be able to chat because of the pain around her throat area. So I took a chance this morning to visit her at the hospital. Cathy was in high spirits ever grateful for the successful operation and God’s faithfulness.

So they found something in your thyroid?, I was skimming around her throat area wondering where the incision was done.

I was puzzled.

Cathy said “No, I had an ectopic pregnancy”

I was stunned. [tag]Ectopic pregnancy[/tag] can be fatal. In fact , she was already bleeding internally and had lots of clots. No wonder she couldn’t attend our August 19 meeting of the Compassionate Friends. Imagine she was bleeding for more than 10 days not knowing she was pregnant all along. Anyway, Cathy will blog more about God’s faithfulness in delivering her from danger. The question that piqued my curiousity was ” are you grieving?”. She doesn’t know yet as everything happened so soon and she is still processing the past day’s events.

ectopic.jpg

That Monday, I also received word that my sister-in-law lost her more than 8 weeks old baby. I know they wanted this baby so much as they only have one child. .

A baby did not have to be born after nine months in order to be loved and treasured. A baby was anticipated and wanted and it was taken away without permission, consent or notice. The loss needs to be grieved and mourned by the parents but they need to be reassured that there is no timeline on the grief process. A [tag]pregnancy loss[/tag] is not something that someone just ““gets over” in a matter of days. It is a true loss, just like the loss of a pet, the death of a family member or a friend. A pregnancy loss is a real loss. Their feelings should not be minimized with an unkind comment and their loss must not be trivialized. Too often, those closest to us – our friends and family members – tell us what they think is the right thing to say but is really the last thing we should hear:

““It was God’s way”
““It was better that it happened now, rather than later”
““At least you have other children”

Each of the above statements might be true but none of them offer comfort or take away the pain. Support for preganncy loss is available around the world and even in our mission, The Compassionate Friends Philippines.

How to mend the broken heart of your daughter

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Healing_a_broken_heart.jpgRemember how we mothers ease the pain of our toddler’s scraped knee? I remember blowing the wound and caressing my little girl’s leg…. “There it will go away now” . My little girl would then wail “baaand-aiiiid” thinking the band-aid can patch the pain. What happens when this little girl is now an adult, nursing a broken heart? How can a band-aid now patch the gaping hole in her heart?

Yesterday night, my daughter went home from her dorm. She informed me beforehand that she had a problem but she will tell me in person. My husband and I couldn’t sleep thinking it could be serious. Eventually we lifted our worries to God and soon fell into a deep slumber. What could we do anyway at 12 midnight?

We broke off! I stared at my lovely daughter with her sad eyes upon me as I sat on her bed.

Oh no was all I could say. I couldn’t believe it. The boy was just at our home last weekend. They had been together for more than 2 years. But then, I also recalled Butch and I broke off on our second year. I had outgrown him. I was already a working girl and he still had to graduate from his bachelor’s degree (he is younger than me). I tried to recall the pain of breaking up and what I did to alleviate it. Doing something new and keeping busy was what kept me going.

I told her that her dad and I had two break-ups in our 7 year steady relationship. “Relationships are not easy, my dear. It hurts because you love him. You are going to grieve the loss of a relationship. Feelings of sadness , anger, acceptance and moving on will be part of the healing process. Just like I often say to the newly bereaved parents, you will start looking for your “new normal”. A life without your loved one. That is the moving on phase where you live the life of being single again. The “we” that was there before is now broken.” I didn’t have to talk much as all she wanted was my unconditional love.

“I’ll enroll you in that pottery class every weekend. Try something new.“, I suggested.

She warmed up to the idea. “that sounds like a great activity that I can start“.

I know she will need to figure things out for herself without mommy. Her mommy can only hug her and say “things will be better. Keep on praying for guidance”

I love you mom.

My heart breaks as I see her forlorn expression.

Unfortunately, I can’t mend her broken heart. She is grieving the loss. The “band-aid” she needs is just within her reach. In time , she will heal. I believe the terms “grieving” and “healing” are synonymous. As she grieves, she heals.