Positive thinking is something I had to re-learn as family tragedies befell one after the other. With 5 deaths in my immediate family (including my son), it might seem I am immune to pain. It never gets easier. Along the way, I learned to improve my life, change and reinvent myself. Allow me to share (rehash) some of my recovery principles which may or may not be useful to you but worked for me.

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1. Say Thank You everyday. Practice Gratitude. Everyday , I face interruptions, delays, changes and challenges. I have learned an important concept to get me through this stressful time and that is gratitude. I learn to say thank you, for all these problems and feelings. I don’t like this experience but Thank You anyway. I had to force gratitude until it became second nature to me. Gratitude helped me stop trying to control outcomes. Gratitude makes things right. It is the key that unlocked positive energy in my life.

2. Live life one day at a time which requires so much faith in us. Look ahead to make future plans. Don’t look back at the past unless healing from the past is part of today’s work. We focus on this day’s activity, living it to the best of our ability.

3. Love and Nurture Yourself. Nurturing is about how we show love for ourselves. I needed a loving relationship with myself that works so I can have a loving relationship with others that work.

4. Avoid Gossip. Direct , clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for good feelings about ourselves and our relationship with others. Gossiping about another for motives of diminishing him or her in order to build up themselves or to judge the person hurts friendships in the end. I resolved that I will resist and place boundaries when I am faced with another gossip.

5. Happiness is in your Hands. Healing comes when we are aware of how we attempt to use others to stop our pain and create our happiness. We will heal from our past. We will see that, all along, our happiness and our well-being have been in our hands.

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6. Practice healthy and loving tolerance. When I learned healthy and loving tolerance, I learned tolerance for others. I also learned that the humanness I tolerated is what makes myself and others beautiful. There are some things I do not tolerate. I do not tolerate abusive behaviors or destructive behaviors towards others or myself.

7. There is a time to feel anger and a time to let it go.. Anger is a part of life. We need not dwell in it or seek it out but we can’t afford to ignore it. In recovery, I have learned that I can shamelessly feel all my feelings including anger, and still take responsibility for what I do when I feel angry. I don’t have to let anger control me but it surely will if I prevent myself from feeling it.

8. Laughter is the best medicine. Even just the expectation of a mirthful laughter involved in watching your favorite funny movie has some very surprising and significant neuroendocrine/hormone effects. Earlier experiments showed that viewing a favorite funny video can offset symptoms of chronic stress, which can suppress various components of the immune responses, particularly those related to anti-viral and anti-tumor defenses.

9. Turn pain into something positive. Help others. Start an advocacy , a cause, a charity. Helping others can both help you and the person who is in pain.

10. Set boundaries. I can love my family or friends but refuse their efforts to manipulate, control or produce guilt in me. I can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. I can set the boundaries I need with them without being disloyal to the family or the friend. I can learn to love my friends and family without forfeiting love and respect for myself.

11 Take Financial Responsibility for ourselves. Each of us today, has a financial future. There are few future aspects of my life I can control, but one part I can play to assist our family’s future is setting goals. I don’t have to obsess about my goals. I don’t have to constantly watch and mark our progress toward them.Taking responsibility for my finances enable me to take focus off money. It frees me to do my work and live the life I want. I deserve to have the self-esteem and peace that accompanies financial responsibility.

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12. Love God as you understand God. I learned that recovery is an intensely spiritual process that prods us to grow in our understanding of God . My understanding of God is based on my Catholic upbringing that God is real. Loving. God is Good. The more I turned my mind and heart to a positive understanding of God, the more God validates me. Whether one is a Christian, non-Christian or Atheists, I will respect their own understanding of God as well as my own. I will not allow others’ judgement of my beliefs to cause me anxiety or distress.

13. . Practice as IF. To practice the positive, I act as if. It’s a positive form of pretending. It’s a useful tool to use to get ourselves unstuck. Now, when a problem haunts me, acting as if can helps me get unstuck. I act as if the problem will be or already is solved so I can go on with my daily routine.

Do you have other ways that helped improve your life?

Don’t judge me unless you have looked through my eyes, experienced what i have, and cried as many tears as me. Until then back-off, cause you have no idea.

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Today Matthew Warren died of suicide. He is the son of Rick and Kay Warren who must be facing the most painful moment in their lives. There is no pain more gut-wrenching than losing a child. My heart and prayers go out to them at this most difficult time.

““No words can express the anguished grief we feel right now,” Warren wrote in a letter to his congregation.

A long time ago, I too lost a son and I found hope and courage in Rick Warren’s The Purpose-driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? . The book inspired me to move beyond the pain of losing a son and work on my new normal. Because the book talks about starting a service, I initiated the The Compassionate Friends Philippines Chapter with the help of Cathy Babao and Alma Miclat.

I can’t be there to hug Rick and Kay Warren for their loss and thanking them too for giving me the courage to live this new normal after the death of my son. What I can do is to continue on with my advocacy on suicide prevention and grief education such as ways to comfort the bereaved.

In most of my meetings with the bereaved, a common complaint is the insensitivity of concerned friends or relatives. I see it also in some of the insensitive tweets addressed to Rick Warren questioning the circumstances of his death. Some may not know what to say and blurt out the wrong words.

I have had my own share. I know the depth of concern they have towards us but in their enthusiasm, they blurt out the most insensitive remarks. Newly bereaved are very sensitive to these remarks.

Many parents feel they were being unjustly judged and criticized by those who could not possibly understand because they have not experienced the loss of a child. Compassionate Friends USA shares the proper response.

Our wonderful, concerned, well-meaning friends don’t know. They can only imagine how the newly bereaved feel. They haven’t personally known (thank God) the disbelief, the shock, the anger of losing a child or any loved one. Instead of bringing relief, those words just seem to add to the hurt and the grief. There are no words that will make it all right that someone we loved has died. But there are ways that can soothe the hurt, ease the loneliness and add to the healing. Recently, my sister visited The Compassionate Friends to get tips on how to comfort a family whose daughter died of suicide.

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I’d like to share some of the ways to comfort the bereaved:

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“Your children will see what you’re all about by what you live rather than what you say.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Nope this is not a graduation ceremony. Mom bloggers meet up with Raqgold, fellow mom blogger from Germany.

I am in another joyful phase of motherhood, more relaxed and laid back. When the kids were pretty much younger, my group of moms and I used to hang out after school whenever it was time to pick our kids. Every time the school year ends, we often joke each other…”hey, we are graduating from preschool to elementary school” or when we got older, “hey, have you graduated to high school?” and so on and so forth. Having all my kids out of college is huge milestone for me. More time to travel. More time to be by myself. More time to be with friends. More time to pursue passions that I couldn’t venture to when I was a hands-on mom.

I feel like giving my own graduation speech with me as the only audience because I deserve a pat at the back. Mothers deserve a round of applause for a job well done.

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Photo Hunt’s theme for today is YELLOW. Let me introduce you to Kippy Cat once again. You first met him on Mother’s Day and later on during my trip to the USA. Kippy Cat was my son’s favorite yellow and black striped tiger stuffed toy when he was a young boy. He is also my travel mascot.

I showed him off to the pet cats of my sister in San Fransciso. Kobe (photo above) lies beside my Kippy Cat.


Oreo, another pet is naturally curious and sniffs at Kippy Cat.

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Photo Hunt’s theme is Furry. Kylee is best suited for this week’s theme. A few days ago, Kylee turned 10 years old (in human years) or 70 years old (in cat years). Lauren is the master of this neurotic Apple Head Siamese Cat. I bought Kylee from a pet shop sometime mid-February 1999. There were two kittens to choose from. Based on what I read, try to play with the kitten to check on the cat’s personality. From the looks of it, the frail-looking Kylee looked as if he was going to die. He looked lifeless but when I held out a piece of string, his eyes perked up and started to paw the string. This is the cat for Lauren. I held Kylee on the top of my palms and petted his furry little Apple Head, “You’re going to be Lauren’s pet”.

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Photo Hunt theme is Wide and my photo today is the wide backyard of my brother’s home in Missouri. When I left his home in mid-October, the weather was just cool and lovely. The Autumn colors were so pretty to look at too. It was my first Autumn experience.

But look at it now, two days after Thanksgiving. Everything is covered in snow. I can’t imagine living under those weather conditions. I don’t like the cold climate.

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