Today the doctor gave me news, and I am still a bit frazzled.
I will not lay out the medical details here. That is between me, my family, and the people in white coats who now know my body better than I do. What I can tell you is the thought that would not leave me on the drive home.
I did not take care of myself in my forties.
Luijoe died when I was forty-three. After that I was just sad. Probably depressed, though I did not call it that then. I did not care about life. I kept eating. I became even more obese. The body was sending warnings and I ignored every one of them, because I did not think I had anything worth staying healthy for.
I skipped checkups. Not out of fear. I did not exercise. I did not eat healthy meals.
Here is the strange part. I am not afraid to die.
I lost my son when he was six years old. After that, death lost some of its power to frighten me. What frightens me now is leaving too soon, before I have finished what I started.
I want to live longer. Not out of fear, but for the coffee project.
Up in Balili, on the mountain, there are coffee trees my family strated in 2018, when Lola Agnep first planted them in 1906. I am managing the farm now. Someday I hope to hand it to someone who can carry it the way it deserves. But I want to be there for the harvests between now and then. I want to drink a cup that came from our own trees and taste a hundred years in it.
I have more projects in me. Things I have not written yet. Things I still want to build.
So I am asking my body for more time. And I am finally doing my part.
If you are reading this, here is what I want you to take with you. Do not wait the way I waited. Go to the doctor before something forces you to. Get the test you keep putting off. Sleep. Eat something that is not just fast. Your work will still be there. Your causes will still need you. You cannot serve any of it from a hospital bed.
Take care of yourself. I am telling you this as someone who learned it late.
Next month I go back for more tests. I am bringing my walking shoes, because I am not done walking yet. And when this is over, one way or another, I am going up the mountain to see the coffee.
