One of my coping mechanisms after the death of my son was to focus on others in order to forget my pain . Years later when I visited a counsellor in a “well-known center” somewhere in Quezon City (which I don’t advise you go to, please), I was told that I was a co-dependent. I had no idea what that meant but according to the definition of co-dependency,
“Co-dependency can be defined as the tendency to put others needs before your own. You accommodate to others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings, desires and basic needs. Your self-esteem depends largely on how well you please, take care of and/or solve problems for someone else (or many others).”
Okay so I put other’s needs before mine. But I thought that was a noble characteristic of mothers, don’t you think? or was I smothering? From the book, Codependent No More, I discovered I was too controlling over my children and husband. Perhaps because my life was out of control? Although I disagree with some co-dependent theories, the one I value most is Taking care of yourself.
I’ve learned to take care of myself instead of obsessively focusing on another person. I’ve learned self-responsibility instead of feeling excessively responsible for others. Caring works. Caretaking doesn’t. I’ve learned to walk the line between the two.
I learned all of this when I got introduced to the self-help group, Co-dependents Anonymous or CODA by accident. They have no website in the Philippines and it’s a pity because a lot can beneift from this program. The CODA program taught me to love myself so I can develop healthy relationships. Those who are interested to attend these meetings….here are the schedules.
CoDA Friday 7:30-8:30 pm
(For those affected by Codependency & Relationship Problems)
Living Free Center: Unit 528 Alfaro Place, 146 LP Leviste St., Salcedo Village, Makati
Contact: Malyn C. or Irma M. 830-0898 / 0920-9241719
CoDA Saturday 2:00-3:00 pm
(For those affected by Codependency & Relationship Problems)
Mary Joanne’s Restaurant, Bagtikan street, San Antonio Village, Makati City
Contact: Joanne
CoDA Sunday 8:00-9:00 am (address needs to be updated)
(For those affected by Codependency & Relationship Problems)
307 JAJAJ Bldg., Panay Ave. Quezon City,
(beside National Bookstore, Quezon Ave.)
Contact: Loudel D. 461-6383 / 0918-293133
Good job in recognizing your co-dependency and taking the right steps to correcting the problem.
My mother in law suffers from this condition, and could use the help that CODA offers. She dotes on her grandchildren and micromanages her adult children’s lives (my wife included)instead of making herself happy.
For example, my Sister in law dumped her 2 y/o son onto her and Father in law while they were in debt. FYI, SIL had full time job with good pay and could afford child care. Instead of telling her daughter to find her own child care and that she (MIL) needed to work to pay the bills, she caved in and become surrogate mom for her mooching daughter. Grandma and Grandpa became Mom and Dad while the real parents worked during the week and hung out with their buddies on the weekends.
Take care and I wish you the best of luck in the future 🙂
-Jason