Just so we’re clear—the story below is fictional. All the characters and events in the story are purely imaginary. But the themes—those came from something personal. I’d just finished reading the first draft of my sister’s novel, and it floored me. Beautiful, heartbreaking. She wrote about the quiet weight of intergenerational trauma, about how families carry wounds forward, and about what it takes to heal.
This piece is my way of wrestling with those same ideas. I’ve long wondered how the past holds on to us and how a little compassion can sometimes ease its grip. For me, it isn’t really about pointing fingers. It’s about noticing the patterns and slowly finding a different rhythm, one that opens the door to a new kind of future.
Email me at noemidado @ gmail.com for the password.
Should I still feel so bad, should I still cry so often? I see other parents smiling, why can’t I? I thought if I did my grief work, it was supposed to get easier.
Grieving is hard work. Expectations of ourselves, and those that others place on us, can confuse and make us think we should be in a certain place at a certain time with our grief. Sometimes we hear, “Your child died five years ago, aren’t you over it yet?” Or, “It’s been a long time, why are you still crying?” Those comments hurt and push us away. Early in my grief, I read the following which helped me understand that I was fine where I was on my journey: Wherever you are in your grief is exactly where you should be. To that I would add; as long as you’re not abusing yourself or others, and not living in chronic grief.
The idea of a Camino journey had been with us for years, quietly tucked away in our hearts, waiting for the right time. When that time finally came, the journey unfolded in ways we couldn’t have imagined.
May 21: Vigo to Redondela (15 kms)
From May 21 to 27, we walked the 100 kilometers of the Camino Portugués—but more than that, we walked through memories, through grief, through hope, and love. This journey was for our son Luijoe, who left us 25 years ago. It was also our way of sending quiet prayers for our two daughters and the people they hold close. Reaching the cathedral on the exact day we lost him didn’t feel like chance. It felt like grace.A circle, gently closed. Read More →
This year is special for us. It’s our 40th wedding anniversary. But it’s also a poignant time, as it marks 25 years since our dear son passed away. To remember both these important times, we’re doing something special: walking the Camino de Santiago. Our hope is to reach the end of our walk on the anniversary of his Angel Date. There, we will pray for all our children and their loved ones, the wonderful blessings we’ve received throughout our 40 years together.
Berlin Art Lovers, get ready to witness history! The very first location-based AR exhibition, “Colors of Peace,” orchestrated by Digital Bohemians Club , is about to transform the iconic Pariser Platz in front of Brandenburg Gate!
From April 28th to May 30th, prepare to see my artwork, alongside the captivating creations of 12 other incredible artists magically spring to life through augmented reality. Imagine strolling through Pariser Platz and encountering stunning digital art installations floating in the air! Read More →
It feels like just yesterday, though many years have passed, that I first shared this deeply personal story. But with the arrival of another Easter Sunday, a day so profoundly special, the memory surfaces with a familiar poignancy.
“If I die, Mama, will I be alive again?” Luijoe asked. My six-year-old boy lay nestled amongst a small mountain of prayer books he’d arranged on his little tummy, idly flipping through the pages.
Have you ever experienced an immediate and compelling attraction to someone, a feeling of familiarity that defies explanation? Or perhaps found yourself in a relationship characterized by intense emotional fluctuations and recurring negative patterns? If so, you may be encountering the concept of a karmic relationship, a significant idea explored in both psychological understanding and, with deeper insight, through the perspectives of Zen and Buddhist teachings.
My sister shared the above YouTube video on “The Karma Of Marriage Why You Marry Who You Marry – Zen And Buddhist Teachings”. So, I looked into the intricate dance between karma and marriage, drawing insights from psychological perspectives and the deep wisdom of Zen and Buddhism. What emerges is a fascinating understanding of how our past actions and unresolved issues can weave themselves into the very fabric of our most intimate connections.
Psychology describes karmic relationships as intense, often turbulent bonds that feel almost predestined. Think strong initial attraction coupled with emotional volatility and a persistent sense of obligation. These aren’t always the fairytale romances we envision, but rather relationships designed to bring forth crucial life lessons and address unfinished business, perhaps even echoes from lifetimes past. I think I was drawn to my husband because of unresolved childhood issues with my mother. Let me not elaborate on that.Let’s just say I felt my mother was too strict and distant to me.
I decided to delve deeper and understand myself by researching on other materials about this subject matter. The following text is the result of my curation with additional perspectives from my own life.
Let’s step into the serene yet sharp clarity of Zen and Buddhist thought. Here, marriage, like all encounters, is seen as deeply interwoven with the principle of karma – the immutable law of cause and effect. As the teachings remind us, “everything that has a beginning has a cause, and everything that arises arises dependent on something else.” Our marriages, therefore, aren’t random pairings. They are often the fruition of seeds planted long ago, shaped by our past intentions and actions.
More Than Just “Happily Ever After”: The Purpose of Karmic Unions
From this perspective, the intense pull we feel isn’t always about present-day love. Sometimes, it’s a “resonance,” a recognition of shared burdens or unresolved debts. Marriage becomes a potent crucible for growth, a meeting with the soul who, perhaps unknowingly, holds the key to unlocking our “unfinished work.” It’s about confronting our shadows, the aspects of ourselves we often refuse to see, reflected back to us through the mirror of our partner.
Navigating the Labyrinth: Signs of a Karmic Knot
How do we recognize these karmically charged unions? Here are some signposts illuminated by both psychological insights and Buddhist wisdom:
Instant Recognition, Intense Connection: That feeling of having met before, a powerful and immediate attraction that feels almost fated. Zen teachings might describe this as a recognition of past burdens rather than solely present love.
Emotional Storms: These relationships are often marked by significant emotional turbulence – intense highs followed by devastating lows, leaving you emotionally drained. I can relate to the challenges that came my way.
Recurring Conflicts: Familiar patterns of conflict resurface, echoing unresolved issues from the past, be it childhood or previous relationships. Marriage, in this context, acts as a mirror showing us what we resist acknowledging.
A Sense of Duty:
You might feel more obligated to stay than genuinely connected, a sense that you have to make it work, perhaps stemming from a feeling of “soul debt.” There was a time that I didn’t want to make my marraige work anymore but it led me to an accident where I broke my ankle in the process. This required surgery.
Push and Pull: Experiencing intense attraction and repulsion towards the same person can be a hallmark of a karmic entanglement.
Karmically Precise Mismatches: What appears illogical externally – different backgrounds, values, or desires – might be “karmically precise,” bringing together individuals to specifically address certain unresolved issues.
Beyond Romance: The Deeper Currents of Karma in Marriage
From a Zen and Buddhist standpoint, love isn’t always the foundation of marriage. Sometimes, the union is rooted in a “debt,” a “lesson,” or a “mirror” reflecting our deepest selves. The person we marry often carries our unresolved karma, not as punishment, but as a catalyst for learning.
Attraction, in this light, can be a recognition not of the soul’s inherent beauty, but of its burden. We might be drawn to someone who owes us a “debt of pain,” or to whom we owe one. Broken promises from past lives can draw souls together again, sometimes with reversed roles, illustrating the silent justice of karma. Even genuine love can become a battlefield if individuals meet before they are equally ready or evolved.
The Spiritual Partner: A Catalyst for Awakening
The purpose of a spiritual partner in marriage isn’t to complete us, but to trigger our unfinished work. They help us see our shadows, revealing wounds that need healing rather than simply soothing them. Ultimately, the goal isn’t just to find comfort but to become conscious, to achieve liberation not from each other, but from illusion.
A Word of Caution: The Pitfalls of the “Karmic” Label
While understanding the concept of karmic relationships can be insightful, psychology rightly cautions against using it as a justification for staying in harmful or abusive situations. Learning lessons should never come at the cost of your safety and well-being, mentally or physically.
Untangling the Knots: Ending and Transforming Karmic Cycles
Whether a karmic relationship is meant to end or evolve, the path forward involves conscious awareness. Reflecting on recurring patterns, conflicts, and emotions can illuminate the lessons we are meant to learn. Practices that symbolize closure, like writing and releasing, can be helpful. From a Buddhist perspective, letting go with compassion and without bitterness is key to breaking the karmic cycle. “Letting go is not failure. It is freedom.”
Transformation is also possible. With conscious effort, open communication, and perhaps professional guidance, some karmic relationships can evolve into more positive and balanced unions.
The Unseen Language: Karma’s Whispers in Marriage
Zen and Buddhist teachings emphasize that “karma never forgets what happens in marriage because marriage is not merely a ritual or agreement; it is a sacred mirror.” It reflects our most vulnerable and authentic selves. What truly matters is not the outward display of love, but the intention beneath it. Actions born of insincerity or negativity sow negative karmic seeds.
Our words, spoken in anger or resentment, are like arrows that can leave lasting wounds. Even silence – neglect, lack of appreciation, emotional withdrawal – can create deep karmic imprints. Unresolved pain within a marriage can even be passed down, becoming the inheritance of future generations unless consciously healed. I hope my unresolved pain won’t be passed down. It is one reason I am committed to the Camino de Santiago pilgrimmage.
The Mirror Within: Marriage and Self-Awareness
“Who you marry reflects who you are inside.” Marriage acts as a powerful magnifying glass, revealing our insecurities, our capacity for patience, and our ability to love or judge. Our partners often mirror our unhealed aspects, every insecurity and unresolved belief about our worth. True change comes not from trying to fix our partner, but from purifying our own minds. As the wisdom goes, “You don’t fix the mirror by shouting at it. You purify your own mind.” The relationship we have with ourselves dictates the quality of our external connections – the “marriage within.”
Beyond the Form: The Essence of Connection
Ultimately, Zen and Buddhist thought doesn’t idealize marriage as the ultimate destination but sees it as one of many vehicles for awakening. What truly matters is not whether a relationship lasts forever, but whether it fosters growth and self-awareness. The true goal is liberation, not from each other, but from the illusions that bind us.
Thinking about my 40 years of marriage and 7 years as sweethearts, it seems like all those years, the good times and the tough times, might have been about learning and growing together. The fact that we’re still together after so long suggests we’ve worked through whatever challenges came our way. It’s like we helped each other see things and maybe even resolved some old issues. So, our lasting marriage means we’ve navigated those ups and downs and built something strong over all this time. Our marriage is a constant work in progress.
“Tears are the words the heart cannot express.” How poignant these words have become almost 25 years later. Losing a child is like having a piece of your soul ripped away. It’s a pain so profound it defies words, a constant ache that settles deep in your bones. It’s a hollowness that echoes, a silence where laughter and chatter used to be. It’s a future that vanished in an instant, replaced by a grief that reshapes everything. It’s a love with nowhere to go, a connection that’s been severed but not broken. It’s a wound that may heal slightly over time, but never truly closes. It’s the most indescribable feeling imaginable, a weight no one should ever bear.
The pain lives within me, intertwinded into my soul. My son, Luijoe, passed away way too soon. Even though the sharp pain has changed over time, I still feel his absence deeply, like a constant emptiness. Some days, the grief hits me like a wave, reminding me of the future that was snatched from me, the milestones that will never come.
People say time heals all wounds, but I disagree. Time helps us learn to live with the wound. It teaches us to navigate the world with this gaping hole in our hearts. For me, that navigation involves cherishing the sacred bond I still share with Luijoe. It’s a lifeline, vital to my well-being.
I dream of him. I imagine him as he would be today, a young man of 31. I picture him as handsome, lively, and full of energy. I catch myself glancing at other young men, the children of friends, those who are the same age Luijoe would be now. Dine’s daughter, Jane’s son… I see them, so grown up, and a bittersweet smile touches my lips. Because in those fleeting moments, I see a glimpse of what my Luijoe might have been.
I wonder about the young man he would have become. Would he still sing? I remember him at six years old, captivated by music. He loved watching his older sisters during choir practice, his eyes wide with wonder. Pop music was his passion. He’d ask me to download mp3s of his favorite songs on Napster – remember Napster? – and then he’d sing and dance along, completely lost in the joy of the music. Those memories… they’re treasures I hold close, fragments of a life that burned too brightly, too briefly.
I wonder if he’d be here on the coffee farm with me. Would we walk the fields together? I dream of those times when I’m here. Maybe we’d pick coffee cherries side-by-side, and he’d help me get them ready afterwards.
Created using Midjourney
The world tells you to move on, to heal, to forget. But a mother never forgets. A mother’s bond endures. It’s a love that continues even with incomprehensible loss. And even if the tears continue to flow, sometimes quietly, sometimes in a torrent, they are proof of that unfading love. They are the words my heart cannot put into words, a language spoken only by those who have walked this path. I know, in my heart, that someday I will be reunited with my son. And I will keep holding on to his memory with me, a flame that might waver but never go out. It’s a love story that endures, even on the other side of the veil.
I am deeply honored to be recognized as one of the 2024 Artists of the Year by 34 Gallery! Being included among such an incredible group of talented artists is a truly humbling experience. This recognition reaffirms my belief in the transformative power of art to foster connection, inspire healing, and promote positive change in how we perceive and address mental health.
A heartfelt thank you to 34 Gallery and to everyone who has supported my journey. Your encouragement and belief in my work mean the world to me.
This award has prompted me to reflect on the deeply personal stories that inspire my pieces:
“Always With Me”
This piece emerged from the most devastating moment of my life — the loss of my precious six-year-old son 24 years ago. Grief consumed me, plunging me into profound depression and isolation. But one night, I felt a divine intervention, a message from my son urging me to heal and be present for my family. This comforting belief that he had become my guardian angel gave me the strength to begin the journey toward recovery.
I channeled this journey into the blog aboutmyrecovery.com, where I shared my experiences and connected with others who understood my pain. Through this platform, I discovered a community of support and empathy. “Always With Me” embodies this journey — the enduring love for my son, the pain of loss, and the hope that comes from connection and healing.
“Dreamscape Serenity”
Prioritizing sleep has been a cornerstone of my mental well-being. By dedicating 7-8 hours each night to rest, I’ve regained focus, energy, and a renewed sense of purpose. “Dreamscape Serenity” captures this commitment to self-care and the peace that comes with nurturing our mental and physical health. It serves as a visual reminder of the vitality of rest in our daily lives.
“Rediscovering Life Outside Digital Boundaries”
In a world dominated by digital interactions, it’s easy to get caught up in endless scrolling and social media comparisons. This piece explores the mental health benefits of taking intentional breaks from these platforms. Stepping away allows us to reduce negativity, manage anxiety, and foster meaningful real-life connections. “Rediscovering Life Outside Digital Boundaries” encourages viewers to seek balance and prioritize their well-being in an increasingly connected world.
“Beyond the Surface”
This piece delves into the complexities of self-image and self-acceptance. The fragmented reflection symbolizes vulnerability and the acknowledgment that we are all works in progress. It’s a gentle reminder that it’s okay to have imperfect days. “Beyond the Surface” invites viewers to embrace their authenticity and find beauty in their imperfections.
As I look ahead, I’m filled with gratitude and inspiration. This recognition fuels my passion to continue creating art that sparks meaningful conversations and fosters understanding around mental health. Through my work, I hope to encourage healing, self-discovery, and the celebration of strength. Thank you for being part of this journey.
34 Gallery & SDG 3.4 SimukaAfrica.org created The 34 Gallery as a UN SDG 3.4 Mental Health Initiative to highlight the importance of global mental health. By utilizing the Arts to cultivate self care, self-esteem, & self-awareness, we seek to lower the suicide rate for the 85% of the global population without access to mental health care.
I am deeply honored to be recognized as one of the 
