On Husbands and their Caves

      16 Comments on On Husbands and their Caves

denThere are two peculiarities I learned about men the week after I married my boyfriend.

1. He hibernates in his “cave” when he is moody and wants to be alone and

2. He has a hunter instinct. After a hard’s day work, he gazes at the far horizon such as the television .

I couldn’t find the right words for this quirky behavior until I read the book of Dr. Gray, Men Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, the number one best-selling relationship book of the last decade.

–A man often wants solitude when he is thinking about a problem.
A woman should be careful not to bother a man with questions at such a time.

Dr. Gray believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as “retreating into their cave.” In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or craft room.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen my husband retreat in his “cave”. In our old home in Makati, his cave was the guest room. When he is in that “cave” mode, I just leave him alone. I know when he is already out of his cave when he drops a kiss on my forehead and murmurs “sorry…I just wanted to be alone”. After he arrives from home, I know when he is tired and in thinking mode when he watches the sports channel. I plant a kiss on his cheeks and tease him lovingly ” I know your day must have been hard so you need to , relax, sit on your perch and watch the horizon, dear”. Then I retreat to my own peaceful nook doing my own thing.

Now that we moved to our new home, the only vacant room is labeled “Luijoe’s Den” where I store his toys, books and other memories. It also stores photos of my family, Butch’s family and other photos of family members. My concept of Luijoe’s den is a meditation/prayer room . It is a peaceful room, where one can have their quiet time , do yoga, sprawl down on the floor, read inspiring books or the Holy Bible. Furnishing this room is almost 80% done. I’m no interior decorator so it’s taking me time to find the right accesories.

Anyway, one day, I came home almost midnight only to find my husband was not in our room. I thought maybe he got lonely and went to Luijoe’s den to read some meditation books.

Not thinking he was in “cave” mode, I knocked at Luijoe’s den. Oh dear, I might as well call it the Lion’s Den. Literally, he roared…angry and unreasonable. While we were discussing his angry issues, he even had the temerity to add “You might even want to blog about it!!”

Whaaat!?!?! Why bring my blogging in our discussion?

(so yeah I did blog about it)

Things quieted down only when he stomped out of the den , paced around the living room and found himself locked out of the den due to a defective doorknob. Unfortunately, the keys of the room were inside so he was forced out of his den. I spent the whole night looking for the circuit breaker to shut off the airconditioner in the den.

I let him be as it was futile to talk to a lion.

The aftermath

Things settled nicely as always. Given time and space, he left his cave mode. I chastised him for using Luijoe’s den as an angry haven. It should be used for peaceful means, I told him. He agreed with me and gave me that puppy dog look.

Of course, I should also learn my lesson.

Never disturb your man while he is growling in his cave.

Noemi Lardizabal-Dado (1386 Posts)

You may contact Noemi (noemidado @ gmail.com) for speaking and consultancy services in the following areas: Parenting in the Digital Age (includes pro-active parenting on cyber-bullying and bullying) ; Social Business ; Reinventing One’s Life; and social media engagement. Our parenting workshop is called "Prep to Prime (P2P): Parenting in the Digital Age (An Un­Workshop)" P2P Un­Workshops are conducted by two golden women in their prime, Noemi and Jane, who have a century’s worth of experience between them. They are both accomplished professionals who chose to become homemakers. This 180­degree turn also put them on a different life course which includes blogging, social media engagement and citizen advocacy. They call their un­workshops Prep to Prime or P2P, for short, to emphasize the breadth of their parenting experience. They tackle different aspects and issues of parenting ­­ from managing pregnancies, prepping for the school years of children, dealing with househelp, managing the household budget, to maximizing one’s prime life and staying healthy through the senior years.

  • He has a hunter instinct. After a hard’s day work, he gazes at the far horizon such as the television .

    haha! natawa ako dito. i would like to add the computer as part of that horizon 😀

  • @lady cess- Oh yes, the computer pala… but my husband is not a geek . He’s more of a TV person.

  • Mae

    I remembered a scene from 300 from this:

    2. He has a hunter instinct. After a hard day’s work, he gazes at the far horizon such as the television .

    grabe men are scary when angry noh? you are so lucky with your husband and he’s the same with you because you’re both understanding 😀

  • Hi Noemi..you are so right. And we have to find out the hard way. I love your idea of having a special den dedicated to your son 🙂

  • @mae- oh yeah I remember that scene now from 300

    @kongkong- luijoe will always be a part of our lives.

  • I was just roared at over dinner so it’s good timing to read this! 😀
    My husband retreats deep into his mind when he needs to resolve something. During those times it’s best to keep away. Or linger at your own risk hehe

  • That’s an interesting way to look at it. Did you happen learn what women’s versions of caves are?

  • lemon

    Ms. Noemi,

    I had a good laugh over this one. Hmm, I think it’s time to revisit Men Are From Mars, if only to understand men and their moods.

    I have also learned not to bother J when he is engrossed in a basketball game. I learned the hard way too.

    Tayo namang mga babae, we have our own ways of coping, of which blogging is proving to be the best.

  • I really prefer to retreat deep into my mind at times:) Not only when I have to solve a problem…in a relationship I like arrivals..but to arrive you have to leave at times.

  • Good observation Noemi, I think it’s a good practice to adopt at times, it clears your mind, helps you focus, ponder, and find solutions…

    Also, it’s a good time to meditate at times, find inspiration, and just enjoy the peace of solitude.

    Come to think of it, I know a few women who are the same…

    No matter what gender, it’s good that we all have some space sometimes…

    You and your husband are just too sweet for words 🙂

  • Very nice insight. But I think everybody benefits on a once in a while hibernation. It makes you think or reflect on a lot of stuff. But now I am aware of such behaviour from man. I have to be concious of when is my husband on the “lion’s mode” to avoid unnecessary arguement. Many thanks for sharing this. ^_^

  • Jun

    In our case, my wife’s cave is her cave. My cave is also her cave. When I growl, she growls. When she growls, I can’t growl.Naaa. Looks to me we’re from opposite universes.

  • Men, but we do love them 🙂

    I tagged you by the way. Please visit: http://sheknowsbest.com 🙂

  • Unga, unga! Haha. Seriously, though, I wonder if my wife thinks of me in the same light. My most frequent fault is I second guess her at every turn.

  • So true, hubby retreats in his shell too. When I didn’t know any better I’d insist that he talk to me but we end up arguing. These days I just tell him to talk to me when he’s ready.

  • and now at 50, you roar, nay, rawr!