I woke up in tears this morning.
I dreamt that I was kissing and embracing my son, Luijoe. In my dream, he smiled and smirked as I smacked him on the lips and cheeks. Waves of happiness filled me. Joy lifted my heart. I felt like a white balloon, floating in bliss.
Then “POP POP”
I woke up and of course realized that Luijoe wasn’t around to be kissed.
It was the first time I’ve ever cried bucket of tears in months. The last time I cried this way was when I wrote Luijoe’s story for the upcoming book, “Fallen Cradle”. It was strange. I ever hardly dream of Luijoe in the recent years. And I’ve never felt so much joy in my dreams with him either. So bittersweet.
What was the significance of that dream?
As I was preparing for dinner in celebration of our 28th anniversary, I received a text message from the talent coordinator of MOMS QTV . The episode of “Pieta, Pagdadalamhati ng isang Ina” was airing at 5:30 PM . I quickly sent an SMS message to all The Compassionate Friends.
We had taped this episode on February 9 together with Gina de Venecia, Irma Santiago and Alicia Alonzo. I’ve refused TV interviews in the past because I am a shy person by nature. I despise public speaking. But I had a mission… The Compassionate Friends needs to be known to any bereaved parent who might need a support group.
So I tuned in to Channel 11 …
Along with me are…
Gina de Venecia lost 16 year old KC to a fire accident last December 16, 2004
Alicia Alonzo lost 20 year old Jon Hernandez to a car accident 12 years ago.
Irma Santiago lost 28 year old Luigi, a popular TV director of ABS-CBN on June 8 2005 due to a gun fire accident.
I was not prepared to talk in Tagalog. First of all, MOMS is an english word so I thought the interview was in English. When I saw the script, I was horrified.
I asked the writer: So I have to reply in Tagalog? I don’t speak Tagalog so well.
It can be Taglish.
Taglish is just as worse. So throughout the interview, I struggled for the words, figuring out what the Tagalog word for [tag]grief[/tag]….feelings…etcetera. If Cathy were only in my place.
Confirmed Fact: TV makes you look 10 pounds heavier.
Now this is the weird part of the interview. Take note, I took these photos using my [tag]camera phone[/tag] angled upward to avoid the TV glare.
The last question was (translated): When you die one day and meet your creator in heaven, What will you say to Luijoe when you see him. Talk to your son now as if you are really there right now.
Luijoe used to tell me that when he grows up, he’d drive me around in his car . Also he promised to build me a nice blue and white house.
So my answer to that question was:
Luijoe, I am here already. Drive me around in your car and show me the house you promised to build for us.
This was the photo I took. What amazed me is the lighting effect , the radiance of the light. I felt like I was surrounded by this stream of light beaming from Jesus’ heart as I talked to my precious Luijoe.
Of course, I attribute that to bad angling of the camera phone and overexposure. It’s just plain coincidence. Still that special effect gave me a smile. It felt like I was really with Luijoe in heaven.
As I continue talking to my son , a picture flashed. It’s the last photo taken of my precious boy, an hour before he died.
I felt a gentle tug in my heart . *sobs*
My throat tightened.
Even if Luijoe left 6 years ago, a sudden photo of him triggers these brief episodes of sadness.
Now I know the significance of that dream.
1. Luijoe wanted to make me happy today by showing himself in my dreams . Through the kissing and hugging, I felt physically connected to him even for a few minutes.
2. He wanted to make me happy on the day of our 28th anniversary.
3. Luijoe wanted to comfort me during the airing of the “[tag]Grieving Moms[/tag]” episode. He knew I’d be sentimental when the photos of him will be flashed on TV.
Part of my heart went with him,
I struggle day by day.
To live this life as best I can,
Yet wonder why I stay.
Many here still love me and I them in return.
But for this link—my special son
I will forever yearn.
The day will come—we’ll meet again.
This will be in the past,
For even death cannot conquer love,
It will forever last.
By Mary McDonald
My son, my son. I miss you so much.