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A Daughter’s Crush and Fears

At the iblog 3 Summit, my daughter who was seated beside me whispered “mom, I’m beginning to like *blogger’s name*. He’s cute.”

Surprise! Surprise! Okay, I was surprised at two things :

1. Wow, she’s starting to confide again.
2. I didn’t realize *blogger’s name* is her type.

I turned towards the direction of my daughter’s affection and giggled at her ear “oh yes, I agree. he’s handsome but I didn’t know you liked him. He seems like a nice guy but..I don’t really know him that well. ”

“do you think he likes me?” she caught my wrist, motioning me to keep my voice down.

I shrugged “now why would I have that information? if *blogger’s name* liked you, why in the world would he ever tell me? I’d be the last person he’d confide to. ”

“He’s cute” she continues to gush.

***A few hours later***

She whined “Mom, I don’t think I have a chance with *blogger’s name* . I don’t think he likes me. He didn’t seem interested in a conversation”

“Don’t worry. Men can be clueless. Just be friends for now. Who knows what will happen?” I adviced her.

“Mom, I think he might be afraid of you”

“Now why would he be scared of me? If he has bad intentions, then he ‘d better be scared of me. I bite.”

I don’t blame her for thinking that way. Old feelings probably came rushing on to her.

I had the “NO BOYFRIEND TILL YOU ARE 18” rule. My daughters knew of this rule since they turned 13. I think it stemmed from my own upbringing. My parents instilled the same rule. Butch warned me that Lauren will have boyfriends like his sisters did when they were in high school. I assured my husband “Don’t worry. They won’t have any boyfriends”. So I thought Lauren would be like me , immune to guys. Despite the rule, I allowed my daughters to attend parties, hangout at the mall or receive phone calls from guys. I felt I wasn’t too restrictive despite the rule.

One day, I found out that 14 year old Lauren already had a boyfriend after the mother of the boy called me up. She wanted parental supervision. I flatly refused.

Being a control-freak mother at that time “NO OFFENSE ON YOUR SON, LAUREN CAN’T HAVE A BOYFRIEND.” My voice sounded a notch higher than usual.

That whole summer, she was grounded.

I am sure she resented me for years. I was just so shocked that she had a boyfriend. Of course, the grounding didn’t mean they lost contact from each other. I am sure they still did. (I found out much later they were in contact for like 3 years)

A few years later, Lauren fell in love again. Still a control-freak mother, I confronted her and minced no words about my honest opinion of the guy. I have my reasons but I’d rather not mention it here. Mothers have instincts , you see. The problem with me was that my approach was old-school, manipulative and controlling. Now I know better. I should have just said my piece then let it go and allow her to make mistakes. But no, I told her she couldn’t see this guy. PERIOD.

That started the deterrioration of mother and daughter relationship. I realized my mistake a year after . We had a long and honest dialogue. After a teary talk, the end result was that I allowed her to be open with their relationship. I totally gave her the freedom.

Why did I change? I just did. Life is a Gentle Teacher. She wants to help us learn. I realized my girls are growing up fast and that my old behavior patterns were destructive to family harmony. The lessons I learned from my parents’ upbringing were not applicable in today’s fast growing technology. I also realized that control is an illusion especially the kind of control I was trying to exert on my daughter’s love life. Did it bring the results I wanted? No…they were still together after a year.

Inspite of my stringent rules, I have to give her credit for not eloping with her boyfriend (a friend’s daughter did just that and had a baby soon after).

I have never gotten the results I wanted from controlling or trying to control people. I guess at that time I was thinking “If I couldn’t control my son’s death..maybe I can control my daughter’s life” WRONG MOVE!

Funny thing was my daughter ended the relationship with this guy for the reason that I objected to in the first place. I allowed her to make mistakes. I could have said “I told you so” after my instincts proved right.

But because I allowed her to make this mistake, our mother-daughter relationship improved. Parents can’t protect their kids forever. The more we hold on to them, the more they rebel.

So I assure her “I’m not going to interfere with your love life . I trust you know what is best for you.”

Yes, I have learned to let go of my need to control. Letting go of our need to control can set us and others free. Today, I ask myself what would I be doing differently if I weren’t trying to control. Then I listen to the answer inside me with the help of God.

Lauren’s fears are unfounded. I am not going to interfere with any guy (blogger or not) who might want to “court” (is that still possible?) her. Oh and as to who she likes, go ask her yourself. I can’t betray her like that. *winks*

63 thoughts on “A Daughter’s Crush and Fears”

  1. @aileen- I don’t think he is the one you are thinking 😛 (pinoy siya)

    @Jozzua- I think it’s a good rule for high school but college…

    @Yuga- haha..loko siya . Sige. 😛

    @Michael- I know . I made a mistake so I am making amends to my daughter.

  2. Yes, don’t we all want to shield them from the evil, evil world — until we find out we really have to let go and let them work out their own lives, make their own mistakes, learn to be careful, etc. So all we can do is give them the right foundation in values(in theory and by example especially by example) and well … monitor as unobtrusively as possible and yes … PRAY! Nice post Noems. I can totally relate — even now. Di mo lang alam.

  3. @the Jester- the poor fellow? I only bite when there is a predator :p

    hehe, I remember how my ex-boyfriend now my husband “courted” my sister before he courted me. He also “courted” my friends. Cunning but great move.

  4. Any mother of teens and young adults can relate. We decided to be very understanding early on and our daughter had a boyfriend when she was 15 and in 1st year college. It was short-lived because they knew from the start that his family was leaving to immigrate to Canada in two months. It was a closely “monitored” relationship in terms of discussions between me and my daughter every step of the way. I’m so thankful she’s so open. Still, I couldn’t help but be scared for her and for us. And when he finally had to go, our hearts were breaking, too, as we tried to console her. Hay, to be a parent… Lauren is lucky that you are a parent who recognizes the need to continue growing with them.

  5. @maia- I should have been more flexible. The betrayal or disobedience over my rules infuriated me. If she was more open and perhaps if I were not so “mad”, I would have been more flexible. Good thing, you monitored them. RAGING HORMONES …you can’t tell what they can do to teens. hehe

  6. My mom always snoops at the text messages of my mobile phone. Before, I had this M.U with this guy back in H.S and but I got busted through the bunch of text messages that guy sent me. My mom always snoops at the text messages of my mobile phone while I was sleeping pala =p. She confiscated my phone and forced me to end it by sending a message.(haha, but the guy and me are just having M.U right? =p)

    I did not send a message but the M.U died down. Mom still freaks me out when it comes to issues of love. Until now I’m scared of entering a relationship fearing that me and a guy would get some lashing from my mom..haha

  7. @dexie- I wonder who. Methinks she is obvious.

    @Gloria- ehe, maybe she is obvious. Anyway , it’s just a crush. Besides she said he has no interest in her. I had no idea she liked him till iblog 3. In fact I thought she disliked him (or wary) just because he is cute. So imagine my surprise.

  8. well, he’ll never know until she tells him. you know how men are, they can be so gullible you never know, Lauren might be speaking about “meeting someone special through blogging” for next year’s iblog4 summit. hehehehe.

  9. Noems,

    How nice to see Lauren very healthily attracted to a guy… You probably won’t be the “control freak,” but I do know that my husband, her Uncle Erik, will ask her the mandatory questions about her boyfriend(s). So, you see, there are other control freaks who will ask the questions for us.

    Such is life!


  10. @dexie- I wonder if that is acceptable in Filipino culture. I mean during my time, I would never say “I like you”. Give hints perhaps.

    If you read Lauren’s podcast, she gave tips on blogging and one of them is “don’t write about your love life”. :p

    @lorna- no interference from me.

  11. How true about raging hormones. That’s exactly why I was scared for all of us 🙂 I just had to trust that our continuous discussions guide her even in those moments when I’m not around. Even as they grow into full adults I’m sure we’ll always be scared for our kids, and not only on the issue of raging hormones either. We’ll always be scared they’ll get hurt, heartbroken, scarred. But there’s also the thrill of seeing our daughters going through the same emotions we went through at that age. The kilig of having a crush, the anxiety that he might not like her back, the worry that she might be too obvious. It’s the same even if times change. This is a good mother-daughter time for you and Lauren.

  12. @Maia- I know of a friend whose daughter broke up with her boyfriend. Guess who was devastated? THE MOM as well. She had gotten close to the daughter’s boyfriend. I vowed not to be tooclosetomy daughter’s bf because I didn’t want to get hurt when they break up. Hurt to seeing a daughter’s broken heart and not being able to be friends with the boy anymore.

    Oh yes, kilig naman. Pero I just have to detach myself and stay in the background because that is her life. She’s already past 20. If she wants my advice like she did earlier, I will give it.

    She might even lose her “crush” if the guy does not reciprocate that interest.

  13. Hi, noemi!

    I can totally relate to you and your daughter’s experience. I was the eldest daughter in the brood of 4. Mom was a control freak, at a young age, I would start to confide in her but she would block me off. She doesn’t want suitors/boyfriends. Just like your Lauren, I would find ways to communicate. Maybe that’s the reason that I was a mom at 23… Good thing I married a decent, responsible guy!

    Now that I am a mom myself, I realized that what my mom was telling me was for the good but still the approach was wrong.. I guess she realized that cause she’s letting my younger sisters go their own way. I promised myself that I’ll be more open to my kids esp. my daughter, who is by the way, nearing her teens.

    Thanks for sharing!

  14. noemi, baka that guy is the one i was telling BA was pogi, and he said, ” mom, hush! he might hear you”. i even wanted to have a picture with this young man. anyway, i know the feeling of L, i often see it in my girls.

    i have 3 girls (23, 16 and 14) and i am sure you know how it is with girls these ages. my husband was very strict with my eldest monica, such that she as not open to us when she was young. she opened up only when she went steady with her boyfriend (going 5 years now). i have been with her through her highs and lows, but i do not interfere. i only listen, i only boost her, if needed.

    as to the 2 teenagers, they are open about their crushes, but i always tell them, they are very young to have boyfriends.

    my advantage is that i have 4 sons, 2 of them are within the perimeter of their school, and they have friends in common. so when they go for gimmicks, the boys would just be around to keep an eye on them. 🙂

  15. The same rule was applied to my girlfriend. The scarier part was she only told me when we passed the first-month mark. Her parents had suspicions, I was lucky they didn’t suspected at me, my geeky looks gave them the impression I was harmless. 😉

    The way they found out about us was an experience I’d never forget. Thanks to that though, I earned their respect and approval. 😀

  16. @sassymom- Lauren actually appreciated my actions but the manner was so wrong at that time. You are so blessed to have married a good man

    @sexymom- yes I only listen now. I only advice when asked .

    @Jhay- ooh good thing she wasn’t banned from seeing you or something. Geeky looks help perhaps.

  17. I have my guess. Haha.

    This is such an intriguing post. I wonder if something will come of this.

    And both my mom and I are open regarding relationships. When I had one once, I just told her and she told me, “I knew it.” And then resumed telling me to be good… And I did stay “good.” 🙂

    And now I realized that there’s more to life that having relationships. Plus, I also realized that I’m not ready to be in one.

  18. id say this guy must come up with his new blog addressed : 😛

    lauren should have a copy of bo’s sanchez book! (the red one)

    this is indeed a very intriguing post… ill be following this haha

  19. @tiffany- I didn’t mean this to be “guess who is lauren’s crush entry”. It’s more of a lesson the mom learned from her past mistakes of being a control freak.

    maybe nothing will come out of it especially since it’s not reciprocal. It’s just a crush.

    @Poell- I didn’t mean this to be intriguing. The post was about me, the ex control freak mom..hehe. not on who is lauren’s crush.

  20. Noemi, I understand what this post is all about but of course It’s also so intriguing :).

    My relationship with my Dad regarding dating was very different. He was very strict which was understandable but I wished he was more trusting of me. It wasn’t like I was all over the place. I knew my limits. My Mom died when I was 10 so I grew up really fast. I was more responsible than how my Dad treated me. I think he under estimated my level-headedness. I got married early but I don’t recall any embarassing moments that he should be afraid of. But in a Filipino family, “disobeying” a rule is considered an abomination. Until now he considers me a “black sheep” in the family because I had a boyfriend when he said I couldn’t have one. Plus I have a big mouth so I’m really not helping in our situation. Then you add a stepmother into the mix then my life is a freaking soap opera..LOL

    Sorry for the long post.

  21. @dexie- I guess …but see I am careful not to intrude on Lauren’s privacy either. I didn’t expect a few bloggers would get curious enough to guess. Fortunately, half did not get it right.

    I’ve heard stories over there on strictness of Filipino parents. I can just imagine the dilemma considering that you live in the US. Oh yes, I guess “disobeying” was what hurt me more than the “boyfriend” thing because I trusted her. It was loss of trust actually.

    eek, soap operas are stressful. At least you have a new life now.

  22. ow i get it… i guess theres a bit of age-bracket-related reaction here thats why misinterpretation took place. perhaps us twenteens are more excited on the who part rather than the real message.

    you know what po, im a victim of such incident. i saw the image my girl’s parent in your post 🙁

    as a mom, what could u advice us (the guys side) on whats a good thing to do? ‘A’ just turned 18 (she’s in U.S. now for a year, and in US 18s are literally independent then) we kept our relations (on her side) secretly for 3 years. is it time for her to confide with her parents? or is it not even necessary.

  23. @poell- I didn’t realize the reaction from the younger group that now you mentioned it. It’s all good really.

    If she wants to tell her parents, then I believe she should. Maybe it’s not even necessary. But I think most parents are curious of their kid’s friends so I am sure a boyfriend question might pop up.

  24. Yes, crushes are normal but i still get paranoid, with the times being so different from when we were teenagers. Plus I have a very troubled teenage niece and I don’t want to imagine myself in my sister’s shoes! 🙁
    I guess parental guidance and presence (not control) are what we need to give them. I know a dad who is like that with his daughter- not controlling at all, very open, even allows the daughter to have boyfriends at 16, as long as visits are done in the living room and dates are chaperoned by the younger brother. The reason the dad is like that: his parents were too controlling, he ended up rebelling, an early marriage, and now the marriage is gone. It’s good he learned from his mistakes. He calls it damage control 🙂

  25. Very interesting, engaging anecdote Noemi. I guess I’ll be a cool, groovy mother to a teen daughter when the time comes but then, who knows?

    (we can count with our fingers the cute bloggers..sino kaya? hahaha)

  26. 5 relationships and many heartbreaks trying to search for my one true love, i decided to just leave it to my mom and dad to set me up with their friends who have daughters. that way, parental consent is all in.

    is it wrong for a mom to grow fond of her sons ex? my mom has taken a liking to one of them and they still talk to this very day. i dont mind as we’re still good friends!

    the bo sanchez book really helps too!

  27. @Jayvee- that might work also. Like “arranged marriages” in the old days eh? They say parents have strong instincts over their children’s potential life partner. Of course the “ding ding” factor has to kick in on you too. I too have those instincts . I just plant the idea but I don’t force it on the girls.

    When Lauren was in the states, the bank manager of my sister thought Lauren would be great for her son. My sister arranged Lauren to meet up with her son. Unfortunately she had a bf that time and wasn’t interested to meet other guys.

    I don’t think it is wrong for a mom to grow fond of your ex. I’ve heard many similar stories . It’s because they were together for so long and formed a bond. The friendship goes beyond even after they break up. Sometimes it is the mom who seems to be more affected by the breakup. That’s why I detach myself. I know how hard it can be to be too attached. I already warned Lauren that I can’t be tooclose with her bf unless they are engaged. In that way, no hard feelings when they break up if ever a friendship bond was formed between us.

    Lauren has that book too. It was a gift from her aunt last Christmas. I hope she read it already.

  28. heres one way of looking at it from the point of view of my dad’s brother. courtship, from a guys perspective is more of an agreement between the guy courting and the parents (dad or mom) to see if they are fit for a relationship. because, after all its the parents who know their daughter more than she knows herself. 😀

  29. @Jayvee : actually courting is a thing of the past. These days or even during my time, no one waited for parent’s approval. It is when the relationship gets serious that “courting” starts between the guy and the daughter’s parents.

    Everytime my daughters tell me their crush,I say “go for it. Be safe and have fun” because that’s what I did exactly when I met my husband . It’s with time and companionship that a couple will know if a relationship will go to the next level.

    I also speak my mind on what I think of their love interest. I believe I know what’s best for my daughters but I also give them the choice to believe me or not.

  30. @jayvee- are monks allowed to blog? I hope so. Kidding aside, be grateful for all your past relationships or the heartbreaks. There was a gift in each of those relationships. Sometimes the gift is a behavior one learned to acquire or could have triggered healing from issues of the past or an issue one is facing today. Or it might have taught us to love ourselves or someone else. But trust there was a lesson and a gift there.

  31. wow, noemi, this post is getting attention from a wide range of people… from some who are paying attention to your opinion to those who are intrigued by the identity of L’s, erm, interest (showbiz! haha peace all!)

    anyway… what i found most striking, though (from your thread above with jayvee), is the idea of arranged, erm, relationships… isn’t it rather strange that the parents-arranged ones seemed to be longer-lasting than many of those today wherein the two people themselves decided to get together? ala that line from fiddler on the roof or something?

    (of course, from another friend i heard that she herself heard one dear old lady pass away whispering the name of a man not her husband heh heh)

  32. @The Jester- hehe I didn’t realize that Lauren’s crush would create such an intrigue that some tried to extract information via IM.

    Regarding arranged marriage, I wonder if it had to do with parental blessing playing a huge part in the success of a marriage. Less stress on the relationship. They say parents know what is best for their children . I believe that statement as long as it is not for their (parent’s) selfish interests. For the record, I happen to like Lauren’s crush as a person based on a few meetings we’ve had. As to suitability of a relationship, time will tell because I can’t be presumptuous like that. It’s just a harmless crush at this point in time.

  33. Growing up I was banned to have boyfriends or suitors. I wasnt even allowed to accept phonecalls past 8pm.

    That is until I turned 17 and started college. My mamu will just say, remember anything bad you do, you do it to yourself and not me. So that entire time all the foundation, paalala will ring in my head most of the time.

    When I came to the US at 19 I ended up dating guys I thought she would like, somehow, I did not even want to see anyone she would have a negative feelings about.

    And it worked, now im 29 happily married. When I asked her permission to marry, all she asked was, are you sure this person will make you happy and will take care of you through and through, and that was it I got my blessing.

  34. @Glo- I hope all the lessons I told her will sink in. I hate to rub it in on her “I told you so and your mom was right,” on her last bf. It’s so heartwarming to know you are happily married.

    I hope this entry teaches a lesson to control freak parents . and to children of control freak parents, now you know why we are (were) like that.

  35. I’m beginning to dread the day that I will have to face the same, uhmmm, situation. Hehehe. Seriously, though, I think that “overprotectiveness” can be more harmful than establishing a good friendship with one’s children. By being friends, they will be more open.

    This was how I dealt with my then teenage sisters and their, uhmmm, relationships. Hehe. 🙂

    Now… time to guess who that guy is… joke!

  36. Instead of ‘intimidating’ me, the parents of my girlfriend of over four years now were the ones who were a bit stunned. They thought they were only meeting their daughter but I tagged along. They were caught by surprise and I just charmed my way into their hearts *lololol*. They knew about us but they didn’t realize that they were meeting me that soon.

    Ang daming chismoso sa post na to ah! hehe. :p

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