The poignant thoughts of Pia’s entry about her seatmate, Senator Juan Flavier (who has now graduated from the senate) brought back memories of my own dad. Like Pia, I have a soft spot for senior citizens about the same age as my dad would have been today. Whenever I garner an achievement, I often think “dad would have been proud of me”, sometimes wishing I can catch my dad’s beaming smile with a nod of approval.

I am turning 50 years old this week and somehow I am thinking of the day my dad turned 50. My sister and I walked towards the UP shopping center so we could send a special card telegram to dad. Our greeting was:

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May marks another month , another year for you but May of any year since May 27,2000 reminds me that my son is no longer with me.It will be his 7th death anniversary this year.

So why am I still blabbering about my son? Have I not moved on?

This quote best sums up any parent who have lost their child.

““Death ended your child’s life but not his or her relationship to the family” and ““You give up the old person who was physically connected to a now deceased child and make different connections with your child who has died.”

I received many emails from friends or relatives describing how their bereaved relative or friend doesn’t seem to be moving on because the dead child’s items are still being kept or they still talk about them. Also there are emails from bereaved parents who claim they are often criticized and even ridiculed by others for expressing their continuing love and connection to their dead child.

I maintain a sacred bond with my son which is very vital to my well being. I have these moments when I dream and imagine what my son looks like now. There was even a time that I wanted to attend the Grade 6 graduation ceremony of Luijoe’s classmates last year. I just wanted to see how they look like hoping to catch a glimpse of my son’s face through them. When I learned that a blogger had a 13 year old son, I told her to hug him for me. So yeah, wishful thinking.

My prayers were answered last Sunday , well sort of…

my beloved son

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I am the resurrection and the life; whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die.” (John11:25,25)

resurrectionI have so much faith in the above biblical passage. Most bereaved families derive comfort from that verse with the hope of reuniting with their loved ones. It gives me hope that one day Luijoe and my family will be reunited in heaven with God. [tag]Resurrection day[/tag] or [tag]Easter day[/tag] reminds us that we will have life after we die – a resurrected life in heaven for eternity with Jesus!

Do you believe in [tag]eternal life[/tag]? Do you believe that our life here on Earth is temporary and our real home is heaven? How does one deserve to be in [tag]heaven[/tag]?

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I am no stranger to death and dying. Let me count the ways:

  • 1976– My mother succumbed to breast cancer
  • 1990– My 28 year old brother, Reuben died from Fulminant Hepatitis A
  • 1999Oscar, my 40 year old brother died of leukemia (AML- 6)
  • 2000Luijoe died from accidental drowning at a beach resort in Cebu
  • 2003Dad died of diabetes complications after being bedridden for 4 years.

Two of the above deaths were quite sudden without grief preparation of inevitable death unlike an illness where there is time to weep. I witnessed the dying and death of my mom, my son and my dad. The passing of our parents before us is a normal course in life. The passing of a young sibling and a child is not the normal course of events. It’s unimaginable.

Can you imagine the torment that the Mother Mary must have felt when she saw his dying son nailed to the cross?

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heavenAlmost 7 years ago, my adorable son sat beside me while I worked on my computer.

With both hands planted firmly on my cheeks, he asked, ““Where is Heaven? Are the clouds heaven?”

Unsure of the answer, I mustered to say something based on what I learned from my Grade school [tag]Religion[/tag] subject…

““I’m not sure if the clouds are heaven, but it’s somewhere up there and hell is down there,” I said, kissing his fat cheeks.

Luijoe asked all of these questions two weeks before his untimely death.

What a lame answer! I wish I knew more what heaven is like.

Luijoe never tired of asking the same questions over and over again, as though reassuring himself that there were angels that protected him and that heaven was a beautiful place to go when someone died.

As I wrote in the book , Fallen Cradle, it seemed that my son was preparing himself for heaven even fearful he would go to hell because like any little boy, he could also be naughty.

““I don’t want to go to hell,” he hugged me.

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anna nicole smithMy heart goes out to Anna Nicole Smith. In death, she is still in the spotlight. [tag]Anna Nicole Smith[/tag]’s Death remains a mystery as of press time. The medical examiner says her death was “sudden, unexpected and unexplained. Upon hearing of [tag]Anna Nicole Smith’s death[/tag], the first thing that entered my mind was her grief over the loss of her son, Danny five months ago. The reality of child loss is devastating to a mother. There are overwhelming feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and most often feelings of failure. These feelings can overwhelm a mother for several months following the death of a child, and it can be quite difficult to build a support system to carry a mother through this roller coaster of emotions.

I have known bereaved parents who numb their pain through alcohol or drugs. So the second thing that entered my mind was did she die from drug overdose, alcohol or both?

Though Anna Nicole monopolized the gaudy, gossipy celebrity stage in life and in death, I can truly relate to her pain.

I don’t drink alcohol but during the early months of my grief, I just wanted to numb the pain. My doctor recommended anxiety pills but I refused. All I could think of is ” Stop my heart from hurting, please. ”

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last christmas
(Luijoe’s last Christmas in 1999, Baguio City)

Christmas is a special time of year. Although shiny decorations and twinkling lights are the window dressing for this exciting festivity, it is the warmth and love of family and friends that make the holiday season so memorable. However, it can be a painful time for those experiencing the recent loss of a loved one. It must be hard for the newly bereaved family members who lost Anne Sherina only last Monday, December 18, 2006. Anne Sherina died of “pulmonary affliction due to Dengue Shock Syndrome”. Grief in Christmas is doubly daunting for this family.

So when ABS-CBN “Salamat Doc” called me up to guest live for tomorrow’s Christmas Eve 6:00 AM episode, I didn’t hesitate. Though my busy schedule was full, I made room for this show. I know there are a lot of newly bereaved and seasoned grievers who are still coping with the difficulties of the holidays. My heart sometimes still echoes with emptiness as I roll out the gingerbread dough or hang the Christmas Angel cookies near Luijoe’s Memorial shrine. I think that hurt will always be with me, but now I know it only as a momentary ache – not like the first year when grief drowned over me in huge waves, each new wave hurling me deeper and deeper into despair.

My husband and I have walked that difficult road every Christmas.

The staff took a VTR of how I coped with Christmas through the years. I showed Luijoe’s memorial table, his memory box, toys, books and all the angel decors of our family den. I thought that my husband would buckle down in tears because he has never opened Luijoe’s photo album in years. The staff told us to sift through Luijoe’s photos. This VTR is indeed therapy for my husband. Knowing we are helping others gives us the courage to share our story, on how we coped and survived. We want to show that love isn’t something that ends with death.

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candle light ceremony
There was a glow at the UP Sunken Garden Sunday evening as friends and family members of the Compassionate Friends Philippines gathered to light candles in memory of our beloved children. Despite the stormy weather, it did not stop the members from going to the event. About 30 people, attended the 10th annual Worldwide Candle Lighting. This is the First Candle ceremony in the Philippines though. In the worldwide ceremony family and friends across the world light a candle at 7 p.m. local time for one hour, starting in New Zealand. As candles burn down in each time zone they are lit in the next to give off 24 hours of continuous light around the globe. The ceremony is held the second Sunday in December. It starts at the International Date Line west of the Hawaiian Islands and works its way eastward, creating a virtual wave of light as it moves from one time zone to the next.

candleIn our Candle Ceremony, Cathy Babao-Guballa read the Memory Candles Poem where she lit 4 candles. One candle represents our GRIEF, one for our COURAGE, one for our MEMORIES and one for our LOVE. Each family that lost a child lit the candle in the butterfly candle holder as their child’s name was called from the Powerpoint Presentation. We continued to read Candle Light Poems till the clock struck past 7:00 PM.

Why do we light candles?

Our children, each of them a bright flame to us in life and in death, are not forgotten. It gives parents an opportunity to commemorate and honor their child’s memory and offers hope. This isn’t a doom-and-gloom thing; this is a very positive event and something our members look forward to, as it gives them a chance to honor their child and help others who might be going through their first Christmas without their child. As my husband lit a candle for my Luijoe, he was moved to tears. It was indeed a touching moment in time.

As I type this entry, the 24 hour candle lighting vigil will commence in a few hours in the USA time zone.

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my dadToday is the third death anniversary of my dad. I miss my dad terribly. My dad outlived two of my brothers, my mom and his grandchild, Luijoe. It’s a grand slam. He was a bereaved spouse, a bereaved father and bereaved grandfather. Now who could beat that? During the funeral of my brother, Oscar in April 1999, my dad collapsed right after the burial. Dad never got to walk again till his death in December 5, 2003. I didn’t tell dad that Luijoe died because my dad was already sick in the year 2000. Another loss would surely devastate him. We were afraid dad would join him in death if he ever found out, knowing how he doted on all his grandchildren. We couldn’t risk telling him because we were not ready to see dad go yet. Four years later, dad died of complications from diabetes and hypertension. Often, I question God why my father who was a good man, a loving father, a generous provider had to suffer for 4 years. All these deaths in my family made me wonder if our family was cursed or something. Should I dare say that I am blessed that God took my family members? That my dad, mom , two brothers and son ‘s mission on earth is done?

I know my father was not perfect but I adored him. When I was in college, dad often travelled to Manila to visit us at our dorms. He was never too busy to set aside family time for us. As a young widower, he often brought his girlfriend when we had dinner. We encouraged dad to re-marry but he never did. He didn’t want to cause a family rift. I thought husbands were made like my dad. I was so wrong. A lot of my marital problems was because I compared my husband and dad. Hehe, I think my husband also compared me to his sweet mom. Too bad, he married a bitch.

Christmas is fast approaching and I remember how dad made it so much fun for us. I will always associate Christmas with my dad. He literally spoiled us to death. The best gift dad ever gave us was the gift of laughter. Dad’s booming laughter often rings in my ear even in times of adversity. It is the same gift that I continue to give to my children when the going gets rough.

In honor of my dad, I now sign as Noemi Lardizabal-Dado because much of who I am is because of my dad. My dad lives on in me and in my work. I can just imagine my dad smiling at me as I do service to others.

My Dad’s Memorial Site

(Photo above is my dad during a Christmas presentation where he dances to the music “Macho Man”)