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Grief Recovery

How 4 Women Found their New Normal

compassionatefriendsIt is hard to imagine when we are in the midst of heavy grief that any good will ever come out of it. What we have lost is not replaceable , any more than the loss of a child is made up for the birth of another child. I have been witness to the unimaginable pain of four bereaved mothers who lost their only child/children. When the Compassionate Friends launched formally in January 2006, a sudden dearth of parents wanted to meet up for coffee. Those who were not within Metro Manila , just wanted to talk over the phone. And so this was how I met four courageous women who were in their mid-thirties. (Some events were changed to protect their identity)

Mom no. 1 lost her only child, a 6 year old girl through leukemia
Mom no. 2 lost her two children (a girl and boy) in the same year.
Mom no. 3 lost her eldest and only son/child through stillbirth
Mom no. 4 lost her eldest and only son after a failed congenital heart operation.

(Now don’t think this is all depressing… let me just finish)

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Missing Daddy

The poignant thoughts of Pia’s entry about her seatmate, Senator Juan Flavier (who has now graduated from the senate) brought back memories of my own dad. Like Pia, I have a soft spot for senior citizens about the same age as my dad would have been today. Whenever I garner an achievement, I often think “dad would have been proud of me”, sometimes wishing I can catch my dad’s beaming smile with a nod of approval.

I am turning 50 years old this week and somehow I am thinking of the day my dad turned 50. My sister and I walked towards the UP shopping center so we could send a special card telegram to dad. Our greeting was:

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What does he look like today?

May marks another month , another year for you but May of any year since May 27,2000 reminds me that my son is no longer with me.It will be his 7th death anniversary this year.

So why am I still blabbering about my son? Have I not moved on?

This quote best sums up any parent who have lost their child.

““Death ended your child’s life but not his or her relationship to the family” and ““You give up the old person who was physically connected to a now deceased child and make different connections with your child who has died.”

I received many emails from friends or relatives describing how their bereaved relative or friend doesn’t seem to be moving on because the dead child’s items are still being kept or they still talk about them. Also there are emails from bereaved parents who claim they are often criticized and even ridiculed by others for expressing their continuing love and connection to their dead child.

I maintain a sacred bond with my son which is very vital to my well being. I have these moments when I dream and imagine what my son looks like now. There was even a time that I wanted to attend the Grade 6 graduation ceremony of Luijoe’s classmates last year. I just wanted to see how they look like hoping to catch a glimpse of my son’s face through them. When I learned that a blogger had a 13 year old son, I told her to hug him for me. So yeah, wishful thinking.

My prayers were answered last Sunday , well sort of…

my beloved son

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Eternal Life

“I am the resurrection and the life; whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die.” (John11:25,25)

resurrectionI have so much faith in the above biblical passage. Most bereaved families derive comfort from that verse with the hope of reuniting with their loved ones. It gives me hope that one day Luijoe and my family will be reunited in heaven with God. [tag]Resurrection day[/tag] or [tag]Easter day[/tag] reminds us that we will have life after we die – a resurrected life in heaven for eternity with Jesus!

Do you believe in [tag]eternal life[/tag]? Do you believe that our life here on Earth is temporary and our real home is heaven? How does one deserve to be in [tag]heaven[/tag]?

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Coping and Surviving Christmas

last christmas
(Luijoe’s last Christmas in 1999, Baguio City)

Christmas is a special time of year. Although shiny decorations and twinkling lights are the window dressing for this exciting festivity, it is the warmth and love of family and friends that make the holiday season so memorable. However, it can be a painful time for those experiencing the recent loss of a loved one. It must be hard for the newly bereaved family members who lost Anne Sherina only last Monday, December 18, 2006. Anne Sherina died of “pulmonary affliction due to Dengue Shock Syndrome”. Grief in Christmas is doubly daunting for this family.

So when ABS-CBN “Salamat Doc” called me up to guest live for tomorrow’s Christmas Eve 6:00 AM episode, I didn’t hesitate. Though my busy schedule was full, I made room for this show. I know there are a lot of newly bereaved and seasoned grievers who are still coping with the difficulties of the holidays. My heart sometimes still echoes with emptiness as I roll out the gingerbread dough or hang the Christmas Angel cookies near Luijoe’s Memorial shrine. I think that hurt will always be with me, but now I know it only as a momentary ache – not like the first year when grief drowned over me in huge waves, each new wave hurling me deeper and deeper into despair.

My husband and I have walked that difficult road every Christmas.

The staff took a VTR of how I coped with Christmas through the years. I showed Luijoe’s memorial table, his memory box, toys, books and all the angel decors of our family den. I thought that my husband would buckle down in tears because he has never opened Luijoe’s photo album in years. The staff told us to sift through Luijoe’s photos. This VTR is indeed therapy for my husband. Knowing we are helping others gives us the courage to share our story, on how we coped and survived. We want to show that love isn’t something that ends with death.

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Laughter rings on Father’s Day

5a.jpglechon_inasal
Cebu Pcoherocebu paellaThe poetry therapy at the Compassionate Friends meeting yesterday made Butch and everyone else in a jovial mood. (see pics here) In our meetings, we laugh and cry as we share our stories. But yesterday, laughter rang out more often the tears. Our facilitator, Victor Emmanuel Carmelo D. Nadera Jr. is a brillant poet and therapist. This poet had such a great sense of humor. He was able to draw out the hidden poet in all of us. Everyone agreed it was one of our most enjoyable meetings. The session probably helped ease the depression of most of the bereaved fathers in the room because right after the meeting, Butch celebrated his cheerful disposition by having dinner out. Normally special occasions like [tag]Father’s day[/tag] bring out twinges of sadness in him . Fortunately the 2 girls joined us at the meeting but were late for the actual session.

We had dinner at Jun Jun’s Cebu Lechon Restaurant at The Fort. The famous Cebu Lechon Inasal (Roasted Pig) , Cebu Pochero (Filipino Beef stew) and Cebu Paella (Spanish Rice dish) was our main course. If you’re a Cebuano, you usually don’t dip your lechon meat with lechon sauce. That’s what I told the girls but probably they are so used to dipping sauces. The lechon meat is already flavorful right to the bones that the sauce just mask the unique taste of our Cebu Lechon. It was a great meal fit for an advanced Father’s Day celebration. Today, we are busy packing up as the girls move out to their dorms tonight.

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Death in the Time of Hepatitis

Reuben LardizabalThat’s my younger brother , Reuben who died on June 11, 1990 due to fulminant Hepatitis A. He left behind a young wife, a three year old and a three week old infant son. There is more to his death than just an illness. This feature article written by my sister Belen thirteen years ago explains it more. (Read here and here)

Reuben Veloso Lardizabal, 28 , was a young family man, a writer, a labor ogranizer, and a law graduate student. He was in other words, full of promise and conviction. But death spares no one. He is the Hepatitis epidemic’s first casualty.

Last May 1-4, 1990, our family helds it’s first reunion in Cebu City, including our children, husbands, and wives. Little did we know that this joyous occasion would also lead to one of the saddest moments in our live.

Three weeks after our reunion, I, my brothers David and Reuben, my sister Lorna , and niece Lauren were struck down with Hepatitis A, a viral infection of the liver transmitted through fecal contamination of ingested food or water. We were unaware initially that several other residents and neighbors in the Lahug district, Cebu City had also been suffering from hepatitis since May. Surprisingly , most of the victims were from middle to upper income bracket.

On June 11, 1990, my dear brother Reuben succumbed to the ravages wrought on him by acute viral hepatitis. Our family held a second reunion- this time , for Reuben’s funeral. (Continue reading here and here)

family photo
The family photo taken during that fateful reunion in May 1-4,1990. It was a reunion for my dad who we thought was dying (dad died 13 years later though)

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The Grief Interview with Cheche Lazaro

Update on Cheche Lazaro: (May 8, 2009) Cheche Lazaro and the Wire Tapping Case filed by GSIS

cheche lazaroTo be interviewd by Cheche Lazaro in “Straight Talk” is an honor. Her interview style is excellent. You know, I usually get a pre-interview by production assistants days before a show. This is normal procedure since hosts are usually busy. It surprised me that no one from ANC (ABS-CBN News Channel) called me up. Hmm, I thought that maybe Cheche can handle it herself. The only call I received was from the production assistant of the executive producer. He was so touched after reading Luijoe’s memorial website and wanted to borrow Luijoe’s photos for a clear graphic shot. They went all the way to the house just to get the photo albums.

Before the live interview, I caught up with Cheche at the dressing room and we had a little chat as the makeup artists retouched our shiny faces. I am amazed at her preparation for this episode. She printed out research materials on grief and highlighted sentences in my story of the Fallen Cradle. She told me that this is a fairly new topic rarely discussed on TV. I know. I told her that grief education is quite new in our country and we’re just taking off with the introduction of grief pyschologists and grief support groups.

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a mom blogger who advocates constructive engagement in issues on family & society.
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