Loving Myself Unconditionally

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It takes two to make a relationship work. It is easy to blame the other partner if something fails in a relationship. I used to blame my husband for every little thing without even checking if I too had my faults. When I took away the focus from my husband and turned to myself, wonderful things happened to me, my family and my life, in general.

love yourself first

What did I do?

Loving myself unconditionally!

It means loving myself into health and a good life of my own. It meant loving myself into all that I have always wanted. Yes, love myself into peace, happiness, success, joy and contentment.

So how do I love myself?

It wasn’t easy at first. I had to force myself to and even “faked” it. By “acting as if“. To practice the positive, I act as if. It’s a positive form of pretending. It’s a useful tool to use to get ourselves unstuck.

Here is what I did.

1. Embrace and love all of myself including past, present and future. I forgave myself and as often as necessary, I talk to myself and list down my good points.

2. If negative thoughts entered my mind, I get them out in the open quickly and replace those beliefs with positive and uplifting ones.

3. I gently pat myself when necessary. I discipline myself and even ask for help when needed.

4. I give treats to myself. I don’t allow myself to work like a carabao, pushing and driving myself to stressful levels. I learned to be good to myself.

5. I stopped explaining and justifying myself. When I make a mistake, I let it go. I learn, I grow and learn some more and despite it all, I love myself.

I constantly work at loving myself. One day, I looked up at myself in the mirror and loved what I saw. I saw a new and lovely me. Loving myself had become habitual.

Love-yourself-first

Loving ourselves sounds like an alien concept and even foolish at times. Some may accuse us of being selfish. But do we have to believe them? People who love themselves are truly able to love others and let others love them. People who love themselves and hold themselves in high esteem are those who give the most, contribute the most and love the most.

Self-love will take hold and become a guiding force in our life.

Remember, you are lovable and capable of giving and receiving love.

Celebrate, remember, and fight back

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This is a touching speech of my sister, the Vice Mayor of a city in the US about life and survival of cancer . The speech was delivered during a fund raising event for Cancer patients: Relay for Life, (American Cancer Society) . My mother died of breast cancer when she was only 45 years old while my brother died of Leukemia at 40 years old. This is for all the survivors and the families of those who have succumbed to the ravages of Cancer

Relay for Life Speech, June 29, 2013

vice mayor

We are here today because we all have been touched by cancer. Whether we are survivors or we have witnessed a loved one succumb to the ravages of cancer. We are here today as a community because as the saying goes, ““When someone has cancer, the whole family and everyone who loves them does, too.”

My mother died from breast cancer when I was sixteen. She was 45 years old.

My brother, Oscar, passed away after three years of struggling with leukemia in 1999. He was only 40 years old.

The beauty of cancer (if you can call it that) is that you have time to say goodbye.

What I remember most during the moments when my mother and brother realized the full impact that their lives would be ending soon was how they mourned for the things they could never experience. My mother wept as she said, ““I can never hold a grandchild in my arms.”

My brother, Oscar, mournfully said, ““What I fear most is that I will be forgotten.”

Oscar was lucky to have found a bone marrow match (our sister, Belen) and the stem cell transplant was done on Thanksgiving Day in 1998. I was there to hold his hand and tell him how much I loved him. I remember seeing the light of hope in his eyes as our sister’s stem cells flowed into his veins.

After the transplant, he said ““I know I will not live forever. Whether I die at 90 or if I die tomorrow, I am grateful for every moment, every day my life has been extended.”

He died 5 months later.

vice mayor 1

This is why we celebrate, remember, and fight back. We celebrate the healing and survivorship of those among us.

We remember and honor the memories of those who have passed on and treasure the moments we had shared with them.

But we will not sit in self-pity and despair. We, all of us here, are fighters. With American Cancer Society, we will fight back by raising funds in a fun day to help find a cure for cancer so that one day, we will be free at last from the C-word.

cancer survivors
Opening Ceremony of the Relay For Life with Cancer Survivors on stage

Celebrating our love: 28 years married

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silver-wedding-anniversary

I managed to squeeze in some love-dovey moments at the height of the miting de avance of presidential candidates three years ago. Now it is the 2013 mid-term elections and luckily today is a Sunday so I am spending it with my daughter. Sadly, my second daughter is now in Germany and can’t spend it with us but the memories of being together the past years is enough to get me by.

When Butch and I shared our 25th wedding anniversary celebration with a sprinkle of old and new friends, family and relatives, it was truly a celebration. We had so much fun. our guests were entertained with the video of our wedding 25 years ago along with live violin music . It felt strange seeing our young selves, 25 years ago. Guests who were present in our wedding laughed as they saw their young and slimmer figures.

silver-wedding-celebrationButch and I still look good. My husband looks gorgeous even with silver-gray hair. Celebrating our love with our two lovely girls (and Luijoe in our hearts) made it such a memorable occasion. Yup, we are still in love with each other but not after loving and hating each other many, many times in the past 25 years. Not after I broke my leg from leaving the house.

Friends of my husband think I should be given an “accomplishment award”. Haha, they know how difficult Butch can be. I also tell them that Butch never gave up even at the time I gave up on our marriage.

It was not an easy journey. I learned to let go of things that I had no control of and instead changed my attitude. We have three beautiful children, two with us to love and to hold , the other to dream, cherish and love always. Our bad times made our love even stronger. We made it this far. It called for a celebration.

wedding anniversarywedding anniversary

I have found happiness with Butch. I know the place we live in earth will not last forever. I also know that the energy of love never dies as I have felt with the death of my son. I intend to treasure every single moment we’re alive, in love and together forever.

The fine art of arguing with my dear husband.

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husbandI am so proud of my husband. Not only is he the breadwinner, he’s also the cook during weekends. I’m lazy like that. But what I’m really proud off are the positive changes in him since we gave each other a second wind in our marriage. In the past, he’d find excuses to entertain clients in fine dining places or anywhere else but home.

Look at him now! A cook.

My stubborn nature often blamed my husband for the marital discord. A rock must have hit my head one day when I realized I, too, am part of the equation in the marriage. One of the many things I corrected was the way I’d argue with my husband. See, my husband rants a lot when he is frustrated and is quite short-tempered as a result. Oftentimes, I end up getting riled up when he is in that brooding mood. After 35 years of togetherness, I finally perfected the fine art of arguing with my dear husband. Here are my strategies :

1. Using powerful words such as ““Yes, dear I see exactly where you’re coming from. You mean…….”
This statement makes it clear enough that I heard my husband. That’s all he really wants— to be validated. By agreeing with him, I gradually simmer down his anger.

2. Stay calm.
My husband has this awful habit of calling me up via cellphone when he is caught in traffic. All he does is huff and huff about the awful traffic jam. He doesn’t know this but I don’t place the earpiece on my ear. I place my ear every so often on the earpiece to see if he is done with his rant. In effect, I let the storm run its course. I can tell when he is done when I don’t hear his barking voice. I then say “Turn on the music and zone off”. Works like a charm.

3. Just let him babble on and on
Sooner or later, my husband will soon grow tired of his own voice. Sometimes that’s all he wants To be heard. To feel appreciated. In the meantime, as this is all happening, I …

4. Use the Power of Visualization
It’s hard to be the brunt of the rants. What I do is zone off and imagine him as my loving husband who is just venting out and when all the steam has been released, he will soon hug me and say “thanks for listening”.

5. Avoid “You should or you should not…”
At the heat of any argument, I don’t butt in and say “You shouldn’t feel that way” or “You should be calm”. When I am disappointed or impatient with his attitude, I just say “I feel sad that you are feeling that way”. By owning my feelings, I am not accusing him or making him responsible for my of sadness. Even if he seeks advice, I still say “I feel this is the right approach…” . I never say ““you’re wrong.” I often try hard to look for areas of agreement and work on them.

In short, avoid the “you…” sentence.

6. When I’m wrong, I admit it.
I make mistakes now and then, so I say ““You’re absolutely right, dear, I know it’s my fault and here is what I’ll do to make amends.” Even if I am NOT wrong, at least I give him the benefit of the doubt, ““I may be wrong, let’s examine all the facts together.” It’s hard to argue with that.

me and butch in macau

If I had known earlier in life that my pride needed to take a backseat, then I would have saved a lot of heartache and energies. It’s not about winning an argument. It’s about peaceful co-existence without creating more conflict.

What other strategies have you used to resolve conflicts?

The good old Erap Jokes

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Updated: I posted this 7 years ago and thought of bringing it back in the light of Erap’s recent campaign bid for Mayor of Manila.

Enjoy!

April 12, 2006: With the start of Joseph Estrada’s plunder trial , the Erap jokes are back again in circulation:

Jinggoy: dad, kita madadalaw ngayon. May urine test ako bukas. ( Dad, I can’t visit you today. I have a urine test tomorrow)
Erap: Okay lang anak, aral kang mabuti ha. (that’s okay, son. Just study well.)

Erap might have been accused of many things but he left behind a legacy, “the Erap jokes”. My son adored Erap simply because of his famous Erap jokes. He found them funny and wanted to know more Erap jokes. We even bought the Erap joke book. Here is one of Luijoe’s favorite Erap jokes.

Erap buys a ballpen:

Erap: Miss, do you have a ballpen?
Clerk: Sorry, sir we don’t have any ballpens
Erap (angry): Why did you name your store “Penshoppe“?

Luijoe loved to tell this joke to everyone . One time, Luijoe and I passed by Penshoppe ( a teen fashion store) in Glorietta mall and I teased him if he wanted to go inside with me , so I could ask the same question Erap asked.

Luijoe was shocked at my suggestion…”NO, MOM!” He pulled me away towards the play area.

Hehe. My son must have thought I was crazier than Erap.

———–
More Erap Jokes:

Jinggoy: Dad, manganganak na po misis ko. (Dad my wife is about to give birth)
Erap: Dali tumawag ka ng ambulansya at dalhin natin sa Jollibee (Hurry, call for an ambulance and bring her to Jollibee)
Jingoy: dad bakit po sa Jollibbe (dad, why at Jollibee?)
Erap: May free delivery doon (There is free delivery over there)

—-

US Doctor: Mr. President, you have a brain tumor.
Erap: hahahahaha
US Doctor: Why are you laughing?
Erap: I’m laughing because in the Philippines I have no brain but here, I have 2 more!

—-

Erap gets really mad when he sees the next sign :”JFK LEFT”. “See?” he scolds his driver. “We’re so late even the airport left already”.

The Alan Cayetano I know @alanpcayetano

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Updated April 3, 2013– I am reposting this since Alan is running again for senator (Check Senator Alan Cayetano’s profile and platform here). In May 2007, I wanted to write about Alan just before election day but I felt uncomfortable writing about politics in 2007. I only became active in citizen media during the latter part of 2009. My question back then was “is there a way to write about politics without selling your soul?” I found out that it is alright to disclose any affiliations with a politician or a political party.

It is on this note that my affiliation with the Cayetano family started when my husband, Alan’s father Rene Cayetano among other lawyers were partners of a law firm in 1998. The CASElaw firm still exists today but my husband is now just a name partner.

This is the Alan Cayetano I know…
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My son’s premonition of death during a Holy Week?

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luijoe-cross

The Holy Week holds a special meaning in my heart as it’s during this time that my precious son talked about eternal life. How would I have known that he was preparing himself for his death?

“When I die, I will be alive again“,
Luijoe (with excitement), a month before he became an angel.

A month or so before Luijoe went to heaven, he asked me questions about angels, death, heaven and graves. I don’t exactly remember when Luijoe started to ask me those things.

luijoe-at-luijoe-meadow1

This is what I wrote two weeks after Luijoe died.

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Every new day is a chance to change for the better #changeforthebetter

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change for the better
A year ago, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer posed an interesting status message on his Facebook wall.

Forget about those New Year’s resolutions in which you decide on the first day of January how you will be conducting your life for the next twelve months. Instead, set up day-to-day goals for yourself, and then resolve to begin living with present moment awareness for the rest of your life. When you get good at living your present moments one day at a time, you’ll see yourself changing right before your own surprised eyes. Remember, anyone can do anything for just one day, so tune out the sentences that keep you locked into your old self-defeating ways and begin to enjoy each day of your bright new year.

What are some things you’ve wanted to do for yourself, one day at a time.

I’ve always been a firm believer of one day at a time or a baby step at a time especially during the times of my deepest sorrow. It worked. Every day that I moved on to something “normal” felt like an accomplishment. I resolve NOT to list down New Year’s resolutions and instead, do those little things I have ignored or shelved aside the past year and continue those activities or nurture attitudes that improve my life.

It is my resolve to change for the better in 2013. Many of us want to do the same and one can take inspiration from taglines of ““change for the better with Krem-Top” and “mas masarap na pagbabago sa 2013 with KremTop” or even quotable quotes. Tahj Mowry advice is ““ Don’t think that things can’t change. Things can change for the better in an instant. Keep believing, keep standing, & keep hoping.”

krem-top change for the better

Every new day..is a chance to change your life.

These are just some of my day-to-day goals that can happen anytime of the week, month or the year 2013

1. Improve writing skills.

Attend a writing seminar at Writers’ Block Philippines or finish those “How to” book on creative writing.

2. Learn public speaking and Tagalog

I am often invited to speak as a resource person and I often decline for either of these two reasons: (1) I can’t speak Tagalog fluently or (2) I don’t know how to convey my thoughts into a speech. I may need to teach myself or ask outside help.

3. Lose those 5 pounds. Exercise more. Be disciplined in portion control.

Since my USA trip in November 2010, I have not lost the 5 pounds that I have gained. Well, the good news is that I have not gained the past year. I will resolve to go to the gym at least five times a week.

4. Explore the Philippines.

This year was about travelling to new places in the Philippines like Davao, Naga City, Kalibo and Batanes . I want to promote the various places in the Philippines by travelling to those provinces that I have not visited.

5. Learn to take more videos for my blog entries.

Youtube is the number one social media. Delivering a message is best if I tap this medium.

6. Try to earn more.

I am passionate about doing meaningful work that I tend to neglect avenues for income opportunities. For me to continue my advocacy, I need to be be self-reliant.

7. Continue to develop emerging media

Emerging media is the evolution of utilizing technology to share information in new and innovative ways. I value my independence as a blogger and will continue to hone my knowledge and skills.

8. Inspire more change makers

Jay Jaboneta in his first blog entry for 2012 inspire more change makers where he states that

the ultimate goals of leadership are two-pronged: influence and reproduction. Success without succession is a failure. Success without inspiring others to do the same is also a failure.

I don’t have a grassroots movement to change the world like Jay but perhaps, I can inspire younger bloggers (like Anna Oposa) to be change makers by using Blog Watch as a start.

9. Continue to nurture old and new friendships

Busy schedules should never be in the way to nurture friendships. I have two groups of friends who resolve to meet up for birthday clubs every quarter. Perhaps , meet up more just for coffee breaks.

10. Continue to affirm myself.

I often read daily affirmations in the past to help me in my recovery (grief journey). But as I know it, recovery is a work in progress.

This is one beautiful meditation from Louise Hay that quite applies to me.

In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole, and complete. My life is ever new. Each moment of my life is new and fresh and vital. I use my affirmative thinking to create exactly what I want. This is a new day. I am a new me. I think differently. I speak differently. I act differently. Others treat me differently. My new world is a reflection of my new thinking. It is a joy and a delight to plant new seeds, for I know these seeds will become new experiences. All is well in my world.

12. Live a life of gratitude.

It took some time to be in a state of gratitude but I managed to do so for everything that shows up in my life. I am thankful for the “typhoons” as well as the smooth sailing. There is a lesson or gift in each of these experiences.

I try to find joy not in what’s missing in my life but in how I can serve.

What about you? What are some things that you want to change for the better? Share with your friends by logging on to changeforthebetter.ph.

batanes hedge rows1

Change for the better Photo via depositphotos.com

Christmas 2012 in Photos

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dado family 2012

What better way to spend Christmas than be with family and sibling.

If I could give each of you a gift I’d like to give you the gift of peace, as much peace as you can possibly find. If you find your situation is less than ideal, I hope you take what’s good and let go of the rest.

Enjoy and cherish the rest of the Christmas season.

Here is our Christmas day in a Photo Video:

If you can’t view the video, just watch it in youtube:

Merry Christmas to all. Happy Holidays to all my readers.

Maliwanag ang Pasko: making Christmas brighter and more fun

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Christmas lights bring out that warm fuzzy feeling that glows inside for the entire season. Childhood memories of twinkling lights along with Christmas carols are enough to lift my mood. Even during the darkest moment in my life when I lost my son, the fond memories brought joy in my heart.  It is my wish that others who feel sad, lonely and blue can find the joy of the season.  According to Ruth Carter Stapleton, ““ Christmas is most truly Christmas when we celebrate it by giving the light of love to those who need it most.”

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I love it when anyone tries to lift spirits up for the Christmas season especially for the poor and less fortunate Filipinos.

Take for example One Meralco Foundation, Maliwanag ang Pasko(MAP) tie up with the Department of Tourism (DOT). Both are making Christmas brighter and more fun by energizing island schools and creating more Liwanag Parks .

DOT Secretary  Mon Jimenez explains that    “the creation of Liwanag parks will bring our people together, making the Christmas spirit stronger as we approach the actual day. And yes, it is a vision that can only be made through collaborative efforts. This  newfound partnership, therefore, is one perfect example that hinges on private-public partnership. This time, it is focused on the business of giving glory, where both parties work with their strength to create something bigger than themselves, reflecting the true spirit of Christmas,”

How to be part of the Maliwanag ang Pasko

Maliwanag ang Pasko  (MAP) has been around since 2006 and  it   promises to be bigger and brighter this year and they want you , my dear readers to be part of it. By joining the program, you could be one of two daily winners of P5,000 from December 1-22, 2012. At the same time, your support will help them energize island schools in Palawan, Bohol, Quezon and the Dinagat Islands, to help bring Christmas cheer to more children and communities around the country.

dinagat islands
New Nazareth NHS, Basilisa, Dinagat Islands

Imagine how your help can benefit the beneficiaries of the Maliwanag Ang Pasko program:

1. Cagbalete Island National High School (Mauban, Quezon)
2. Cagsi-ay III National High School (Mauban, Quezon)
3. San Fernando National High School (El Nido/Bacuit, Palawan)
4. Teneguiban National High School (El Nido, Palawan)
5. Gaudencio Abordo (Bulawit) National High School (Linapacan Island, Palawan)
6. Pandanon National High School (Jetafe, Bohol)
7. Cabul-An National High Shool (Buenavista, Bohol)
8. Rizal National High School (Basilisa, Dinagat Islands)
9. Cab-Ilan National High School (Dinagat Islands)
10. New Nazareth National High School (Dinagat Islands)

Join now by following these easy steps:

1. Like the Meralco Facebook Page on facebook.com/meralco

2. Install the Maliwanag ang Pasko app at apps.facebook.com/maliwanagangpasko

3. Take a photo of your home decorated brightly with Christmas lights or take a picture when you visit one of the Liwanag Parks, either here at Meralco or in one of the participating LGU areas

4. Fill out your details on the app and submit the photo

“Nobody is left behind when our bright tomorrow comes,” says MAP Program Head Jeffrey Tarayao

As Christmas blessings brighten our world, let’s help brighten others. I am sure  the school beneficiaries will  go back and remember these warm childhood memories of a brighter and  fun Christmas.

maliwanag park