What do people live for?

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ordinary people

““Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think.”
Horace

This TV commercial is based on a real story and it touches a chord in each one of us who lost a loved one, be it a spouse, a parent, a sibling or a child. A group of old men decide to revisit their motorcycling youth after one of their own passes away. I know the feeling all too well .


TC Bank’s television commercial by Taiwan’s Ogilvy & Mather creative team have created a three-minute ad for a Taiwan bank that asks the question, “What do people live for?”

Have you ever felt you lost a dream? and thought to live it in some other way?

Dreams shattered, one wonders if life is worth living at all. Most bereaved pose that question : “What is there to live for?” despite the fact they may still have loved ones left. I cannot begin to imagine those that have lost whole families.

How does one even begin to live after a loss? I cannot begin to imagine the loss of lives that struck families in Yolanda-affected provinces even if I lost my precious child 14 years ago.

Do not live for the expectations of people around you
I did not pick up the pieces right away. I believe I had to go through the pain to get through it. And just one day five years after the death of my son, in a moment of silence and solitude, I got my answer. It is true that “No one ever finds life worth living – one has to make it worth living”.

It is simply a choice. As I have written in my first blog post , I chose joy over a lifetime of sadness. It is said that grief is inevitable but misery is optional. I realized that it did no good to sit in my misery pit. It does no good for the loss of my son to lead to the loss of two (me and my son).

It was a decision to lead the second part of my life differently and better than I would have imagined .

I wanted to live a new life, the best possible life . I wanted a meaningful life: to live with honor, integrity, courage, compassion, etc. I know being a homemaker for many years left me shy and unexposed to the outside world. This new life had to be outside my comfort zone to reach out to others like me. Along the way, things fell into place, a baby step at a time. I continue to live my dreams everyday, to make an impact, to go beyond my normal routine as a homemaker , to enjoy life, to keep on loving even when loving is hard to do.

I leave you with thoughts to focus on …

““Whatever the tasks, do them slowly
with ease,
in mindfulness,
so not do any tasks with the goal
of getting them over with.
Resolve to each job in a relaxed way,
with all your attention.”
– Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Master

Gut-wrenching, heartfelt statements from the family of Robin Williams

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A death in the family is always so heartbreaking. Losing my only son, two brothers and both my parents took me to a roller coaster ride of grief and recovery. Love never goes away when  I found myself grieving  over the loss of my loved ones . It is not often I get affected over a death of a celebrity. When I read on  my twitter feed about the death of Robin Williams,  I was in shock, denial and numb. This funny guy brought so much laughter going as far back as my college days when Mork and Mindy first came out on Television in 1978. So much joy and happiness has been  shared with my children when we watched “Hook”, “Aladdin” and even “Mrs. Doubtfire”. I can only remember Robin Williams as funny man . Though I am aware of depression and suicide, I would never truly understand how Robin Williams experienced depression or what happened in his “life to drive him to suicide, or if there was any way it could have been prevented.” All I know is “when a person experiences the ultimate tragic end to any illness, let it be a lesson as to how little we know rather than how much.” All I can do is share my Suicide prevention page because suicide prevention is everybody’s business. Educate our community that suicide is a preventable public health problem in the Philippines. Suicide should no longer be considered a taboo topic, and that through raising awareness and educating the public, we can SAVE lives.

Robin Williams lives on in his movies and in our memories of feeling good after watching these movies. His family feels the same too.

robin williams children

Let me share the touching statements from Robin Williams’ family members via eonline.com

Zak, Cody and Zelda Williams have all released statements just hours after the Oscar winner’s official cause of death was released by the local police department.

Williams’ second wife, Marsha Garces Williams, also broke her silence with a gut-wrenching, heartfelt statement of her own.

Zak: “Yesterday, I lost my father and a best friend and the world got a little grayer. I will carry his heart with me every day. I would ask those that loved him to remember him by being as gentle, kind, and generous as he would be. Seek to bring joy to the world as he sought.”

Cody: “There are no words strong enough to describe the love and respect I have for my father. The world will never be the same without him. I will miss him and take him with me everywhere I go for the rest of my life, and will look forward, forever, to the moment when I get to see him again.”

Zelda: “My family has always been private about our time spent together. It was our way of keeping one thing that was ours, with a man we shared with an entire world. But now that’s gone, and I feel stripped bare. My last day with him was his birthday, and I will be forever grateful that my brothers and I got to spend that time alone with him, sharing gifts and laughter. He was always warm, even in his darkest moments. While I’ll never, ever understand how he could be loved so deeply and not find it in his heart to stay, there’s minor comfort in knowing our grief and loss, in some small way, is shared with millions. It doesn’t help the pain, but at least it’s a burden countless others now know we carry, and so many have offered to help lighten the load. Thank you for that.

“To those he touched who are sending kind words, know that one of his favorite things in the world was to make you all laugh. As for those who are sending negativity, know that some small, giggling part of him is sending a flock of pigeons to your house to poop on your car. Right after you’ve had it washed. After all, he loved to laugh too…

“Dad was, is and always will be one of the kindest, most generous, gentlest souls I’ve ever known, and while there are few things I know for certain right now, one of them is that not just my world, but the entire world is forever a little darker, less colorful and less full of laughter in his absence. We’ll just have to work twice as hard to fill it back up again.”

She also tweeted to fans, thanking them for making donations in honor of her beloved father.

“Thank you to all those donating to @StJude in memory of my father. I’m overwhelmed. The charity meant the world to him, as it does to me,” the 25-year-old actress wrote. “Knowing that so many children will be helped in his honor is all I could’ve asked for. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.”

Marsha: “My heart is split wide open and scattered over the planet with all of you. Please remember the gentle, loving, generous – and yes, brilliant and funny – man that was Robin Williams. My arms are wrapped around our children as we attempt to grapple with celebrating the man we love, while dealing with this immeasurable loss.”

If you need help, here is my Suicide prevention page

 

USA hotline
In an emergency, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK

Philippine Suicide Prevention Hotline (Updated October 23, 2012)

The Philippines’ FIRST depression and suicide prevention hotline is now open. Call 804-4673 (HOPE). Open 24/7.

If outside Manila text/call these nos: 0917-558-HOPE (4673) or 0917-852-HOPE (4673

In Touch
Crisis Lines:
0917-572-HOPE or (632)211-1305
(632) 893-7606 (24/7)
(632)893-7603 (Mon-Fri, 9am-5pm)
Globe (63917) 800.1123 or (632) 506.7314
Sun (63922) 893.8944 or (632) 346.8776

Source of photo: (April 23, 2006 – Source: Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment)

A wedding that will touch you because love never dies

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True love never dies, it lives on in the people who believe in it.

Rowden and Leizl planned their wedding date  on July 8, 2014, Rowden’s 30th birthday. Together with their adorable 2-year-old daughter, they already had a perfect family and a wedding was just needed to seal their future. Alas, the date had to be moved at an earlier date.

In the youtube channel of Chef Hasset Go,  he explained that “Rowden got diagnosed with stage IV liver cancer in late May. His last request was to marry his one true love. After 12hours of preparations, his dream was fulfilled. Unable to take him outside the hospital, we brought the church to him. It was like a heartbreaking fairytale.”

Rowden Go Pangcoga

The wedding took place in the Philippine General Hospital with close friends and relatives. As I watched the video, I was hopeful.

wedding that will touch you

But Rowden Go Pangcoga, who was only 29-years-old, passed away on June 11, 2014, less than 10 hours after their wedding. He is survived by his wife Leizel May, daughter Zakiah Rowzel, mother Lorelei, and brothers Hasset & Hisham.

As I watched the video the second time, the tears could not stop falling. I did not cry when I first saw the video because I was not aware that he would die that soon. Even though cancer struck two of my family members , I can only imagine the pain of his family. There is always hope even when others have given up.

When the reality hits , I can only offer this same prayer that I offered to my brother.

God saw you getting tired,
And a cure was not to be,
So He put his arms around you,
And whispered “Come to Me”
With tearful eyes we watched you suffer,
And saw you fall away.
Although we couldn’t bear to lose you,
We could not ask you to stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
Hardworking hands laid to rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
That He only takes the best.

Then I know that love never dies.

love never dies

Screencaps from Hasset Go Youtube channel. Some rights reserved.

Let #AndreaRosal bury her child

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Originally posted at Compassionate justice is allowing #AndreaRosal to bury her child

“Malungkot na malungkot ako. Hindi na nga ako pinayagang makasama sa libing ng anak ko, sobrang iksi pa ng oras para makita ko siya sa burol,” – Andrea Rosal

Andrea is heartbroken that she will only be allowed three hours to attend the wake of her beloved daughter Diona Andrea. Her two day old daughter died due to persistent pulmonary hypertension.

baby of andrea rosal

“If my baby were still alive, I would not mind even if I just had a little time with her. I know that once I am free, I would be with her. Three hours is not enough for our last time together.”

My heart goes out to Andrea.

The Pasig City Regional Trial Court (RTC) Branch 266 denied the petition of Andrea Rosal to attend the funeral of her newborn daughter. She is only allowed to attend the wake at the Iglesia Filipina Independiente on May 21, 2014, 2 p.m. to 5 p.m. I find it insensitive that the RTC won’t allow Andrea to bury her child.

andrea rosal statement

I first saw the reactions to the Court’s decision on twitter. @ChiliMedley, a lawyer and a mother herself, asked “What kind of lawyer would oppose a mother’s attendance at her child’s burial, in the face of all the leniency for Mrs. Napoles?”

I know how it is to lose a child. Do you know what it feels like? It feels like being thrown into a pit of darkness. The death of a child is the most devastating and debilitating pain that anyone will ever know. The news that our child is dead thrusts us into an experience that is horrendous beyond our wildest imagination. The pain is beyond comprehension. “Grief consumes us. It takes us over so completely that we feel we are the epitomy of pain and anguish”. There are things one can do to ease the pain. I believe one of the most helpful ways to ease the grief journey is to engage in rituals.

The grief ritual starts with the funeral. Burying one’s child is part of this ritual to move forward with the grieving process. Other rituals come along the way like : Lighting a candle at certain, special times of the day or week ; Planting a tree or flowers in your loved one’s memory; Making a donation to a charity that your loved one supported; Visiting your loved one’s burial site and many more.

I’d like to think that our government is ignorant of these rituals. It is too concerned about the “high risk detainee” category because she is allegedly a top official of the New People’s Army (NPA) in Southern Tagalog region. @Chilimedley adds “If they can set up security to move around a woman accused of stealing P10Bn, there is no reason why they cannot do it for”Andrea Rosal. Hazel aka @1nutty_hazel believes that even if Andrea “is so “high-risk”, I wouldn’t protest to additional security so she can attend her child’s burial.” Hazel says that with the huge amount of money we spend daily for the detention of Janet Napoles “why not spend a bit more for Andrea Rosal?” Andrea Lim points out that “GMA was allowed to spend her birthday w family in her hometown while #AndreaRosal isn’t even allowed an extra few days to bury her daughter.”

baby diona

” sobrang iksi pa nang oras para makita ko siya sa burol. Hindi ba sapat na nawalan ako ng anak?”

Andrea Rosal is a mother. There is nothing more devastating than the death of a child. As a mother who lost a precious son 14 years ago, I know the pain Andrea is going through. Let Andrea Rosal bury her child.

This is compassionate justice.

Here are some of the reactions on twitter.


Photo via Renato Reyes and Andrea Lim. Some rights reserved.

Cultivating an attitude of gratitude

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In the hustle and bustle of daily life, we tend to be very distracted and forget to appreciate the things that matter in our lives.

thank you day

Let’s start with gratitude.

Gratitude came from Latin word gratia that means graciousness, grace or gratefulness. It’s meaning is deeper than just happiness. It is having a thankful appreciation for the things that one receives, may it be material or not. Gratitude comes from the acknowledgment that there is an external factor contributing to a person’s happiness. Maintaining an attitude of gratitude gives us reasons to connect to other people and acknowledge the existence of those around us.

Why say Thank you? 

Several researches show that expressing gratitude has indeed positively impacted one’s well-being. A study made by two psychologists from the University of Miami and California proved that a group of people who wrote about the things they were thankful for for 10 weeks were more optimistic, exercised more and had fewer visits to the doctor than the other groups who were instructed to write about the things that displeased them.

Another study showed that couples who said ‘thank you’ and acknowledged each other often were more positive towards each other and were more comfortable in expressing issues in their relationship. Managers who also recognized their workers and thanked them for their efforts have also become more motivated employees.

In another summary of different studies, people who keep a gratitude journal were reported to have fewer physical symptoms, more exercise, less physical pain and slept better. People also tend to relax when they are grateful. In a gratitude visit, 35 percent of participants reduced their depressive symptoms and 30 percent of those who had a journal had lowered depressive symptoms. People who also count their blessings had a significant decrease in their systolic blood pressure level. And those who expressed gratitude required less time to fall asleep and had more vitality and energy when they wake up.

appreciation

In addition to these researches, these are some more of the reasons why gratitude can help boost a person’s happiness:

  • It encourages reflection of positive life experiences
  • It boosts self-esteem and self-worth
  • It promotes building of social networks and strengthening existing relationships.
  • It encourages selfless acts and behavior.
  • It lessens negative feelings like anger, bitterness and greed.
  • It releases stress and helps in achieving a deeper sleep.

Cultivating Gratitude

Naturally-positive people are indeed lucky to have a healthy outlook in life. But for many, the attitude of having gratitude can be cultivated through adapting some of these habits.

  • Always have positive reminders – be conscious when you are grumpy, in a bad mood and about to complain about something. Think of three or four things you are thankful for. Think of the reasons why you love your job and why you are working hard. Remind yourself that you are lucky to have a job that could sustain your family, etc. By having positive reminders, it would become easier to shift to a healthier attitude.
  • Learn to compare right – we tend to become insecure or feel jealous of other people who have more than what we have or can do more than what we are capable of doing. This kind of comparison makes one feel inferior. But in cultivating the attitude of gratitude, you should compare yourself to those who have less than what you have and be thankful that you have more. And for people that have more than what you have, think of them as a guide and inspiration.
  • Keep a gratitude journal – develop the habit of writing events and experiences that make you smile and the things that you are grateful for. By doing this daily, you are able to catalog your happy memories, which you can look back to and prevent you from feeling down.
  • Meditate – having time to ‘be in the moment’ without judgment gives you time to focus and be grateful for the simple things such as the warmth of the sun and the sound of your inner peace while meditating.

It is not easy to form a habit, but by practicing these tips in just two to three weeks, you will not only become happier but you will also be a healthier person.

Image from Flickr.com. Used under CC license. Some rights reserved.

 

by Tanya Jamon-Navarro as originally posted at Cultivating an attitude of gratitude , Philippine Online Chronicles.

Can you be truly happy in a week? How about in 100 consecutive days?

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by Amihan Euza Mabalay, originally posted at Counting happiness in 100 days , Philippine Online Chronicles

100happydays_zps61c64d77

With our fast-paced multi-tasking life, we often get drowned in seemingly never-ending workload, household and parent duties to fulfill. Sometimes we forget to pause and find delight in the moment. Oftentimes, we neglect little things that value the most.

In this age of modern technology wherein popular culture has taken over our lives, social media consumption has been equated to happiness to consumerism. The Philippines was recently dubbed by Time Magazine as the ‘selfie’ capital of the world, with the cities of Pasig and Makati with the most number of ‘selfie’ images taken. From the word itself, ‘selfie’ is done for the benefit of oneself, either for self-exploration or plain narcissism.

Cyber-happines

We just love connecting through social media. The same medium that introduced us to ‘selfies,’ food porn, memes and other individualized online content prove that it can veer away from materialization of culture.

“Project 100happydays” challenges everyone to find happiness in everyday lives, no matter how small and simple it is. This global social media photo sharing/chronicling challenge aims to make people realize that they can be truly happy. A lot of people have actually joined the challenge, which explains many posts counting days (Day 1 and so on) with hashtag #100days  all around Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Though we see the ‘selfies’ as entries, the 100happydays site claims that the project is not to show-off one’s possessions to please others or make them envious of one’s life or “happiness.”

Dmitry Golubnichy, the 27-year-old Swiss behind the project says that “being happy is a choice and everyone can be happy just by appreciating little things in life one has instead of engaging in the constant chase for ever rising internal & external expectations, which leaves no time for being happy.”

The campaign is similar to the 2008 project “365 grateful” of Queensland-based Hailey Bartholomew. Bartholomew was then fighting depression from personal, motherhood and marriage problems when she encountered the help of a nun who told her to appreciate at least one thing each day in her life. She started capturing these on Polaroid camera and then posted these on Flickr. Since then, inspired people began to do their own versions. Bartholomew has released a book on the project, co-authored by her husband and is currently making the documentary (film) version.

Real happiness

Apparently,100happydays and other similar photo challenge projects with the themes focused on gratefulness, gratitude, life appreciation and happiness can well serve its purpose if participants can keep themselves and their entries socially sensitive. It would be more substantial and inspirational if people refrain from posting entries glorifying individualist interests (e.g. shoes, pedicured nails, fancy food, “outfit of the day,” and more). After all, genuine happiness doesn’t come from these trivial material things. Happiness emanates from our self-identification, self-worth and understanding of our role and purpose in this world. It is also hinged on the good, real relationships we have with the people around us.

Cyberspace may have gained us a thousand virtual friends or followers who “like” or “love/heart” our posts. But in reality, our real relationship with people around us is what really counts. If everyone appreciates small and random acts of kindness, then our immediate surroundings – our workplace, school or home can be a better place.

Social media popularized (and also corrupted) the abbreviation YOLO (“You only live once”) which makes this apt for the search for happiness of those who have joined and would like to join the 100happydays challenge – we only live once so we must make the most out of it, savor every moment, and appreciate every grain of happiness.

Like any “trending” topic on the Internet, the #100happydays  hype will soon end. But these kind of challenges or projects will always be significant for those who are struggling to find their happiness in the midst of everyday busy and (sometimes, monotonous) life.

Life’s true joys are those that don’t have price tags, so start sharing your happy days! Carpe diem!

 

Images Top photo screencaptured from 100happydays.com. Some rights reserved.

The Butterfly in my life

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transparent-butterfly2.jpgDon’t you think this is a lovely butterfly? Whenever a butterfly flutters about in the garden, I smile with the thought that Luijoe is in another life with greater beauty and freedom. But I believe the butterfly’s life cycle – metamorphosis – represents my new life after the death of my precious son.

THE EGG: As a little girl, my whole world felt safe under the loving arms of my parents – much like the butterfly egg attached to a leaf somewhere.

THE CATERPILLAR: The caterpillar is my life before the death of Luijoe. My husband and I are contented that God gave us two girls and a boy. A perfect family. I go through the day as a full time mother attending to my chores. Nothing can break this happy bubble, I thought. And then Luijoe is gone. I change!

THE COCOON: After his death, I shut myself off from friends and even family because I felt they could never understand my grief. It is what protected me from the horrible pain. I withdrew from life because of all the painful memories. Numbing the pain, I curled up in my cocoon.

THE BUTTERFLY: The pain lessened and I began to heal as a flicker of light and a little color emerged. Breaking free from my cocoon , I reached out to touch life again. As I discovered the brilliant colors around me, I become more like a butterfly sipping some of the nectar from life.

“We are healed to help others.
We are blessed to be a blessing.
We are saved to serve,
not to sit around and
wait for heaven”
from Purpose Driven Life

I transformed my grief to a positive resolution by starting The Compassionate Friends Philippines , the largest self-help organization for bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents in the world.

In our Compassionate Friend’s circles, the butterfly represent the lives of our children who have died. Their spirit lives on and our memories live on, often in fleeting moments . And that we may be able to build a new life after the death of our beloved children.

I see many butterflies in my life now: blogging, renewal of friendships lost through time, new friendships because I went out of my comfort zone and a new me, a new normal.

Life is good.

A new normal without you. #ThankYouCoy for everything

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Coy-with-Globe-2010
With Coy at the Celebrating the Lucky 0917 with Globe in 2010. Photo credit: Jane Uymatiao

Oh God. No. He is way too young…he is just as old as my eldest girl. Another fine young man gone too soon. It breaks my heart. There are no words to express this gut-wrenching pain. I reach out to his family because the death of any child, regardless of cause or age, is overwhelming to parents, who can never be fully prepared for their child to die before them. The death of a child is the most devastating loss ever.

#ThankYouCoy

As I scroll through his timeline on Facebook and Twitter, I read bits and pieces of his meaningful life from friends and how they got to know Coy. He was still a student when I first met him in 2007 but he was already into Video blogging or Vlogging. As I look back at my email archives, I feel like he is once again talking to me. I commented a lot on his “CokskiBlue – Pinoy Vlogs, Videos and Vodcasts” . These posts are no longer shown in his blog.

We had one thing in common. We were both Cebuanos and reside (or I used to reside) in Lahug. I didn’t know we were neighbors. Though not the best of friends, we often interacted in many events. I got to work closely with Coy during my term as President of the 2008 Philippine Blog Awards. The videos were simply amazing. He inspired me to create videos in my blog but of course, I could never come close to his talent.

When he worked for Globe in 2009, I joined some of his campaigns. He was so excited when I was one of the finalists in three categories. Such a charming man who has achieved so much and improving the lot of social media users like me.

Singing in this video for the “Philippine Blog Awards 2009 v.2: “Jingle”” is simply creative. My blog was even sung by him “mommy…”

The medium is something I want to take offline so those without internet connection can also get the message. I will always remember Coy whenever I create a video blog post. Thank You Coy for the inspiration.

Dealing with losing a friend

Friends are overwhelmed with shock , denial and sadness all rolled together. Coy is at rest now but it is us , those who loved him that are grieving so much. I know this is supposed to be a post about Coy but I want to help his friends who are all devastated.

There is no way out of this pain, only a way forward.

Globe-Tatt-awards-ballbreaker
At the 2011 First Globe Tatt Awards. Here I am as a Finalist for Ball Breaker category

I am sure many will ask “Is there a relief from this pain?…Is there nowhere I can go to turn aside, to get away?”

I’d like to share what the grief experience is from years of helping out bereaved families at the Compassionate Friends (Grief support after the death of a child).

You will catch yourself thinking. “I want to go back. Go back before the illness.” But that no longer exists. The grief is a watershed and it has cut us off forever from that world— the life we knew with our loved one…, the life before THIS happened..

We keep rewinding the past, remembering, wishing until the thought pattern is established in our brain: this is your world now; this is what your life is like.

It will take a bit of time to go forward. Each one grieves differently. Some move forward quickly. Some take time and step backwards.

Convinced, ever so slowly, we begin to go forward one baby step at a time , into a new sense of time and relationships, including a new relationship with the one who has died and a new relationship with ourselves.

This is the new normal, knowing Coy lives in our memories and in our hearts and that love lasts forever.

Our other option is to stand still and we may try it for a while. If we do this, we will turn into stone. So we must keep moving..and in the only direction forward. Keep moving , even if it is only one baby step at a time. Forward into a new normal, into unknown adventure, and unknown territory. We will get there.

A poem on his facebook wall shows another option:

“You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be happy
and turn your back. Or you can do what he’d want:
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

Yes that is the direction that we will choose eventually but today and the next couple of days, we will be grappling with the pain. The grief is fresh. It is alright to cry. Coy will understand that we are crying because we loved him dearly. Grief is the price we pay because of love.

And yes, there is no way out of this pain, only a way forward.

We love you Coy. Gi-mingaw mang ko uy.

Blog posts about Coy Caballes:

Video Tribute by Kring

Goodbye, my friend Coy by Jane Uymatiao

This Was Coy. He Will Be Missed
 by Marcelle Fabie

#ThankYouCoy by Tonyo Cruz

Paalam Kaibigan by Markku Seguerra

The work of the eyes by Marocharim

Filipino Blogging Community Mourns: Coy Caballes the Filipino Vlogger Will Always Be Remembered by Vince Golangco

Coy by Yoshke

Remembering Coy Caballes a.k.a. CokskiBlue #ThankYouCoy by Micaela Rodriguez

Regarding Coy by Gang Badoy

Of Death and Blogs by Mark Delgado

Have you had a good cry lately?

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“If someone cries in front of me, I consider it a gift.” , a friend told me one Saturday afternoon.

crying

Every third Saturday of the month, I receive this gift during the monthly meeting of The Compassionate Friends. I am honored to receive it.

It’s quite common to hear oh she is so brave! when the broken-hearted person appears controlled and poised in the face of grief. How is someone supposed to feel when their heart is broken?

And yet we continue to admire those who do not show their grief in public, who receive condolences as though the occasion were a pleasant Sunday afternoon blabber. He was so brave. I was proud of him. He didn’t break down, not once, and so on and so forth…we hear people say.

Really, whose benefit is this tight hold on our emotions? For the griever’s sake? For the sake of the consoling friends, who may be afraid of being swept into their grief?

Crying tears is not just for those that lost a loved one.

If a little kid says May I cry or should I be brave?, how should the mother react? There is conflicting feelings about crying. It is difficult to allow children the freedom of tears because most of us were stopped from crying when we were little. Our well-meaning, but misinformed, parents may have distracted, scolded, punished, or ignored us when we attempted to heal our childhood hurts by crying. Some of us were stopped gently: “There, there, come on, don’t cry,” while others were stopped less kindly: “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about! So stop it….”

You probably read somewhere that crying is somehow good for us. William Shakespeare, for instance wrote, “To weep is to make less the depth of grief.” The poet Alfred Lord Tennyson once wrote about a woman who learned her husband had been killed. “She must weep,” the writer said, “or she will die.”

According to Dr. William Frey, a biochemist and director of the Dry Eye and Tear Research Center in Minneapolis, Minn., one reason people might feel better after crying could be because they are “removing, in their tears, chemicals that build up during emotional stress.” Frey’s research shows that tears, along with other bodily secretions like perspiration, rid the body of various toxins and wastes. Dr. William Frey compared the normal moisturizing tear with the tear caused by emotion and found that stressful tears contained ACTH or adrenocorticotrophic hormone. ACTH is a hormone associated with high blood pressure, heart problems, peptic ulsers and other physical conditions closely related to stress.

There is just one word of caution about crying.

People who cry easily should feel glad they’re in touch with their feelings. But if they’re crying a lot in response to criticism, they should try to get some counseling. This kind of crying is an alarm bell of a far deeper hurt; it could signify a loss of self-esteem that is triggered whenever anyone says anything negative.

Probably the best advice of all regarding tears comes from Charles Dickens. In Oliver Twist, Mr. Bumble, the parish beadle, is a less than sympathetic character. But he’s got the right idea when he declares that crying “opens the lungs, washes the countenance, exercises the eyes, and softens the temper.

So when another friend wept in front of me today, I understood the gift of healing.

Have you had a good cry lately?

Photo via Flickr. Some rights reserved.

Snuggle and cuddle. Cuddle Up day!

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One thing I love about my change planner are suggested actions. Last Monday, January 6 was Cuddle Up Day!

cuddle up day

Snuggle and cuddle. It’s high time to warm it up with someone special or well, something special (your stuffed toy, your pillow, your pet cat and dog, all up to you)

me and butch 1985

Cuddling is quite a normal activity for me so it is always a “cuddle up day” everyday. I think it is one trait that endeared me to my ex-boyfriend (ahem husband). He liked that I would nestle my head on his shoulder and wrap my arms around his waist . Cuddling as a form of communication helps couples have a more rich relationship. That is just how I am. I remember as a little child how I would sleep beside my parents and cuddle my daddy old boy. When my girls were younger, I enjoyed cuddling them as I lulled them to sleep. There are many ways I cuddle if my husband and children are not around. With two pet cats at home, I get the chance to cuddle them like babies.

cuddling

Hugging and cuddling feels great. Who doesn’t like cuddling? Our brains reward us by releasing a calm-inducing hormone/neurotransmitter called oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle” hormone. There is a study that ‘Cuddle hormone’ oxytocin can stimulate brain activity in autistic children. Cuddling does have health benefits. That warm fuzzy feelings are nothing compared to the benefits we get from the release of oxytocin.

Even if you are single, hugging your friends will reap the same benefit as cuddling. A simple as a hug will also increase the oxytocin levels. Go get a pet too. Studies show that “snuggling doesn’t have to be with our fellow humans to increase oxytocin. Any positive touch will elicit a release of oxytocin.”

Have a feel-good day every day. Give someone a hug.