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Grief

It has been 9 years….

I brought a child into the world and thought my life was complete.
I bowed my head and thanked the Lord for giving this child to me.
My dreams were of the future and of how my child would be,
Of how he would run and play games like hide-and-seek and always run back to me.
How could I live my life without my child – How could I possibly survive?
When the dreams I once had for my child were no longer alive?
heaven

Nine years have passed since Luijoe died. Another year marked off the calendar as we confront life without our precious child.

Anniversary dates stare out from the calendar. For most of us, the days of birth and death are the most prominent but so hard to acknowledge. The birthday that brought so much jubilation may now be but a fond and sometimes painfully wistful day of a “what might have been” memory. Then the lousiest day of the year, the day that is etched on some stone in the south of Manila, the day some of our sweetness left us forever. A reasonable amount of preparation in anticipation of this gloomy day and the empty sadness it brings doesn’t really help. We are aware about these death anniversary dates which I’d rather call the Angel date.

You see, our family members are more irritable, tempers fly and tears easily roll down. Then we remember that Luijoe’s death anniversary is nearing. Ah yes, even if we were prepared for it. It is like standing at the shores of despair looking out at the waves below the sunset that is so beautiful while signaling the end of the day. These waves of profound sadness can be relentless and the big one is coming on that date. This knowledge never seems capable of preventing the wave from smashing us into our lonely reality.

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Star Trek, Spock and Emotions

“How do you feel? … How do you feel? … How do you feel?” — Computer, “I do not understand the question.” — Spock, TVH

(Photo credits)

There I was at the living room, a 9 year old girl totally absorbed as I sat on the floor, watching Spock with his pointy ears. Star Trek to a child’s mind seemed totally out of this world. Elfin-eared Spock never failed to delight me every week. Hooked and fascinated by all the trek adventure, I watched Star Trek without fail till 1969 but never became a “trekkie”. For some reason, I never went back to it until today when I watched the Star Trek prequel. Sequels don’t interest me most of the time but a prequel, why not? I was interested to know the early days of the “Star Trek” mythology when Spock and Kirk, and the rest of the Enterprise gang, came together. Mr. Spock, one of Star Trek’s most beloved characters, held many memorable moments in both the original series and the Star Trek movies not because of his pointy ears alone.

I never really understood the Spock character then. The “Star Trek” lore is that Vulcans have long suppressed emotions because they are not logical. But Spock has always had to deal with the added pressures of his human side. What did I know about emotions? (Besides, kids were meant to be seen not heard. I digress) In the movie, I realized there is an obvious duality in Spock, in him being half human and half Vulcan. He exhibits internal struggle between Vulcan logic and human passion which I think is quite an interesting aspect of him as a character. I think Spock feels emotion very deeply but he’s just restricted in the ways that he can express it.

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How would I know if someone I care about was contemplating suicide?

Suicide is very much in the news these days. A forensic expert who conducted an autopsy on Trina Etrong, wife of Ted Failon said that the contact wound on her temple indicates suicide. (Edit on April 22– A second autopsy points to suicide)

I ‘d like to point out that the Compassionate Friends refer to the death as ““died by suicide” or ““died of suicide” to replace the commonly used ““committed suicide” or ““completed suicide.” The phrases “Died of suicide” or “died by suicide” are accurate, emotionally- neutral ways to explain the death.

Suicide, no doubt, is the most misunderstood of all deaths and leaves behind a residue of questions, guilt, anger, second-guessing, and anxiety which, at least initially, is almost impossible to digest. Even though we know better, we’re still haunted by the feeling that suicide is the ultimate act of despair, a deed that somehow puts one outside the family of humanity, the mercy of God, and (in the past) the church’s burial grounds.

Let’s not be judgmental on people who died by suicide.

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Death of Ted Failon’s Wife: Suicide?

(Update May 21- Trina Etong committed suicide–NBI )

It was just a matter of time yet the news of Ted Failon’s Wife death came as a shock. Trinidad Arteche Etong or Trina , died tonight at 8:50 PM. She died of cranial injury but was it due to homicide or suicide? Her daughter thinks that her mom tried to commit suicide. To lose a loved one to death is painful, to lose a loved one to suicide is also disorienting.

If it is suicide, it is a particularly cruel form of death for the surviving family and friends. Questions like : How could she have been so full of despair that she felt that death was preferable to life? Additionally, the family has to cope with the police, an inquest, and possibly the media, as well as the ever-present and unanswerable question ““Why?”. Suicide is a complicated loss.

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It’s Been 40 days since the Death of Amiel Alcantara

Dying is a wild night and a new road.
~Emily Dickinson

Remember Amiel Alcantara? Well, it has been 40 days since his sudden death?


One of the things so astonishing and costly about losing a loved one is that, while the sun continues to rise and set, newspapers continue to be delivered, traffic lights till change from red to green and back again,our whole life is turned around, turned upside down.

And life does go on but we can still continue to remember our loved ones on special days through candle lighting, rituals, customs, simple rites or ceremonies. Today, on the 40th day since his death, a marker was blessed on the spot where Amiel was struck by a van.

The marker reads:

The Ateneo de Manila Grade School Members
MASTER JULIAN CARLO MIGUEL “AMIEL” ALCANTARA
who was called to the Lord on February 24, 2009.
We Thank him for the gift that he had been to all of us,
for teaching us to love, and cherish life, and
for bringing us all together as a community in prayer ,
with a renewed promise to nurture and care for each other,
as we journey for persons for others.
Blessed on the 40th day of his entrance to glory

April 5, 2009
Palm Sunday

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Beheaded But Always Remembered

Breaking News: Mary Jean Lacaba, the Filipina Red Cross Worker Freed.

I don’t feel the same outrage towards the Chip Tsao slur compared to the possibility that the Red Cross workers could get beheaded. Everyday as I watch the news, I feel helpless as threats to their lives escalate. Breaking news is that Mary Jean Lacaba, Filipina Red Cross worker has been released after more than 70 days in captivity. She was found near Indanan town and is now being transported to a trauma treatment center in Jolo. Swiss Andreas Notter and Italian Eugenio Vagni continue to be held hostage by the Al Qaeda linked terrorist organization. The threat to the remaining two Red Cross Workers remains.

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Francis Magalona Succumbs to Cancer


Photo Credits to Francis Magalona’s Multiply Site

Francis Magalona Succumbs to Cancer at the age of 44 at the Medical City Hospital after a 7 month battle with AML (Acute Myelogenous Leukemia with Mixed Lineage) or MLL. Francis died due to multiple organ failure ““secondary to severe sepsis and secondary to pneumonia,” according to a doctor who was not authorized to talk to media.

Rest in Peace, Francis. I somehow know the battle with leukemia as I witnessed my brother’s struggle with leukemia for three years.

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The Grief of The Invisible Class

A paragraph in Manolo ‘s entry on The Long View Insecurity and The Invisible Class caught my eye:

And meanwhile, there continue the biting criticisms. Blogger Caffeinesparks puts it this way, reacting to the outpouring of sympathy and shock over the death of Amiel Alcantara, the child accidentally run over in Ateneo de Manila: ““in the shanties along Pasig river, a kid playing falls into the water—drowned. Dead; a street urchin playing on the island along the road, runs after a kitten, gets run over—dead; babies die because their mothers live too far from health care centers or can only afford a manghihilot; 10 mothers dead a day—due to childbirth.” These are the grim and unnoticed statistics—so plentiful as to be unfelt—of what she calls the Invisible Class.

Why is it a biting criticism? If the blogger had access to the mortality statistics, why not write about it instead of criticizing the sympathy showered over Amiel Alcantara’s death? And perhaps, take it from there?

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Pepe Alcantara, Amiel Alcantara’s Dad Delivers 4 Messages

My husband refused to listen to me the night I first learned of Amiel Alcantara’s death. As I narrated the sordid details on how Amiel Alcantara died, Butch clamped his ears, “Stop it, I don’t want to hear anymore. It is just too much” All he knows is that Amiel got ran over by a van inside the Ateneo campus. He couldn’t take in the violent nature of Amiel’s death. (Edit March 8: My husband wrote A Grief Beyond Words) .So, when I visited the wake of Amiel Alcantara on February 25, I was all alone. No worries, I was there to offer comfort that a grief support group such as The Compassionate Friends is around if they needed it one day. Good thing Cathy was around too. I kept staring at Pepe Alcantara. He looked familiar to me but I couldn’t place his face. That night, I told Butch that I met the father, Pepe Alcantara. The name rang a bell to Butch but it was only the following day that we got confirmation in the papers that he is the same Pepe Alcantara he knew back then in his UP student days. Pepe was the UP Student Council President in the early 80’s with Lean Alejandro as his vice. Pepe and Butch belonged to the same student organization in the UP student days. Surely now, Butch will want to see Pepe.

Read More »Pepe Alcantara, Amiel Alcantara’s Dad Delivers 4 Messages

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a mom blogger who advocates constructive engagement in issues on family & society.
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