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Recovery Tips

Me time, Nurturing Myself

Once upon my early motherhood days, I often deprived myself of nurturing because I found it silly and self-indulgent. Of course, I didn’t know that nurturing is neither silly nor self-indulgent. Years later , after a million mistakes with myself and family members, I found out that nurturing is about how we show love for ourselves. I needed a loving relationship with myself that works so I can have a loving relationship with others that work.

I am not where I am today if I didn’t learn to nurture myself. I wouldn’t have a second wind in my marriage if I didn’t have a loving relationship with myself first. How do I nurture myself?

1. When I am hurt, I ask myself what I need to help myself feel better.

2. When I feel alone, I reach out to someone safe like my sister, my best friend. Without feeling that I am a burden, I allow my sister to be there for me.

3. I rest when I’m tired, eat when I’m famished, have fun when my spirits need a lift.

4. I give myself gifts… a trip to my favorite beauty salon, a massage at the spa, a new gadget, a new dress.

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Gossip

Is gossip good or bad? If I tell my daughters that gossiping is bad, am I right? If psychologists inform me that gossip is inevitable and extremely beneficial, are they right as well? Yes, there is good and bad gossip and we need to distinguish the two.

As psychologist James Lynch puts it: “Human dialogue can be a great healer or a great destroyer.”

In my opinion, there should be two separate words to connote spreading information in the absence of those about whom we speak. “Gossip” should be reserved for the negative transmission of stories that aim at maligning one’s character, integrity, behavior and essence. “Godspeak” could serve as the term used for dispensing positive, admiring, loving and positive information about others.

The benefits of gossip is beneficial for creating a healthy connection, building social norms for acceptable and unacceptable behavior and improving society.

Just recently, I was told about a person’s moral integrity. Without giving sordid details, I was shocked that the gossippee (the gossip victim) is capable of such an immoral act. Shaking my head, I believed the gossippee might have their side of the story. I was in for another shock. True enough, I had the chance to talk to the “gossippee” and their version was the total opposite of the “gossipper”. Confusing? It breaks my heart because I know both of them and they are wonderful people. I don’t know whom to believe. Such an accusation is total defamation to the character of both the “gossipper” and the “gossippee”.

Did the “gossipper” intend to harm the “gossippee”? If harm is the intention, this is a most despicable behavior that is never justified. If the gossip is true, I believed the gossipper’s intention was to create boundaries in friendships. But still….Gossiping about another for motives of diminishing him or her in order to build up themselves or to judge the person hurts friendships in the end.

That last gossip encounter made me realize that if people can gossip about other people in front of me, then I could be the next gossip victim.

All I could tell the gossip victim was to just live their life in a healthy manner and to prove that the “gossip” was a misunderstanding. It got me thinking too ” why didn’t the gossiper resolve the issue directly to that person?” Direct , clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for good feelings about ourselves and our relationship with others.

I resolved that I will resist and place boundaries when I am faced with another gossip.

Here are some tips I read to deal with gossip better:

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What does he look like today?

May marks another month , another year for you but May of any year since May 27,2000 reminds me that my son is no longer with me.It will be his 7th death anniversary this year.

So why am I still blabbering about my son? Have I not moved on?

This quote best sums up any parent who have lost their child.

““Death ended your child’s life but not his or her relationship to the family” and ““You give up the old person who was physically connected to a now deceased child and make different connections with your child who has died.”

I received many emails from friends or relatives describing how their bereaved relative or friend doesn’t seem to be moving on because the dead child’s items are still being kept or they still talk about them. Also there are emails from bereaved parents who claim they are often criticized and even ridiculed by others for expressing their continuing love and connection to their dead child.

I maintain a sacred bond with my son which is very vital to my well being. I have these moments when I dream and imagine what my son looks like now. There was even a time that I wanted to attend the Grade 6 graduation ceremony of Luijoe’s classmates last year. I just wanted to see how they look like hoping to catch a glimpse of my son’s face through them. When I learned that a blogger had a 13 year old son, I told her to hug him for me. So yeah, wishful thinking.

My prayers were answered last Sunday , well sort of…

my beloved son

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Happiness is in your Hands

When I hear the girls sighing over their crush , I notice their wistful expression of hope.

But he doesn’t like me mom is a recurring statement that sometimes escape their lips often mixed with a slight hint of sadness.

Sometimes a mere smile or nod gives them that giddy feeling. As a mother, it’s a thrill to watch your children happy over simple joys.

I often tell my 2 girls that happiness is a choice. Yes, it’s alright to mope and feel sad over a breakup or in getting over a crush. Cry if you have to , feel sad or be angry . I tell them ” Sit still, feel the pain, figure out if there’s something you need to do to take care of yourself and then go on with your life.”

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Eternal Life

“I am the resurrection and the life; whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die.” (John11:25,25)

resurrectionI have so much faith in the above biblical passage. Most bereaved families derive comfort from that verse with the hope of reuniting with their loved ones. It gives me hope that one day Luijoe and my family will be reunited in heaven with God. [tag]Resurrection day[/tag] or [tag]Easter day[/tag] reminds us that we will have life after we die – a resurrected life in heaven for eternity with Jesus!

Do you believe in [tag]eternal life[/tag]? Do you believe that our life here on Earth is temporary and our real home is heaven? How does one deserve to be in [tag]heaven[/tag]?

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On Death and Dying

I am no stranger to death and dying. Let me count the ways:

  • 1976– My mother succumbed to breast cancer
  • 1990– My 28 year old brother, Reuben died from Fulminant Hepatitis A
  • 1999– Oscar, my 40 year old brother died of leukemia (AML- 6)
  • 2000– Luijoe died from accidental drowning at a beach resort in Cebu
  • 2003– Dad died of diabetes complications after being bedridden for 4 years.

Two of the above deaths were quite sudden without grief preparation of inevitable death unlike an illness where there is time to weep. I witnessed the dying and death of my mom, my son and my dad. The passing of our parents before us is a normal course in life. The passing of a young sibling and a child is not the normal course of events. It’s unimaginable.

Can you imagine the torment that the Mother Mary must have felt when she saw his dying son nailed to the cross?

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Financial Responsibility

Maybe I am just stressed. Perhaps the stress added greatly to the crankiness factor. The thing is I absolutely abhor statements like “You can afford it. You are rich anyway”

Duh. True I am not exactly poor but I am not rolling in dough either. What is it with a Makati based address that assumes I have lots of money? This morning I went to a custom made furniture shop because my two lovely daughters wanted white themed bed frames for their room.Aside from the beds, I wanted to have new upholstery for my couch , white writing tables and a sofa bed made. For the past weeks, I have been scouring the local furniture stores for white bed frames but it seems every furniture designer prefer zen themed bed frames or using natural wood stain.

daybed.jpgicottage bed

My ears started to get warm. Why should I be charged more just because I “can afford” it? Furniture isn’t exactly like medical treatment where one gets socialized pricing in professional fees or hospitalization. So excuse me, I told her… just charge me a fair price. I sat there in disbelief as the owner continued to tease me about my imagined “wealth”. Some people are just so tacky you know? Why is it her business to know how much I bought my new home? She’s not even my friend or anything. My aunt just recommended her since her shop is just so near the village. Her statements weren’t funny yet I managed to politely correct her and say that I am financially responsible.

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Heaven is a Real Place

heavenAlmost 7 years ago, my adorable son sat beside me while I worked on my computer.

With both hands planted firmly on my cheeks, he asked, ““Where is Heaven? Are the clouds heaven?”

Unsure of the answer, I mustered to say something based on what I learned from my Grade school [tag]Religion[/tag] subject…

““I’m not sure if the clouds are heaven, but it’s somewhere up there and hell is down there,” I said, kissing his fat cheeks.

Luijoe asked all of these questions two weeks before his untimely death.

What a lame answer! I wish I knew more what heaven is like.

Luijoe never tired of asking the same questions over and over again, as though reassuring himself that there were angels that protected him and that heaven was a beautiful place to go when someone died.

As I wrote in the book , Fallen Cradle, it seemed that my son was preparing himself for heaven even fearful he would go to hell because like any little boy, he could also be naughty.

““I don’t want to go to hell,” he hugged me.

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Kris Aquino and Hope Centeno are not Victims

kris.jpgThe other woman, Hope Centeno wept and claimed she might be pregnant with James Yap’s kid . ““I also deserve the same sympathy as Kris” from the public. The 7 month pregnant [tag]Kris Aquino[/tag] just checked out of the hospital and minced no words. ““How dare you say sorry to me?” Kris scolded Hope. She then went on to blame Hope for her ““false labor” and subsequent hospitalization last Thursday.”

My jaw dropped as Kris lamented that “an innocent baby ” is at stake. “How dare you say sorry to me now after you endangered a defenseless child?” and added “You just want to ruin us,” “You attempted to steal my husband. You forgot I am seven months pregnant.”

and the other woman, [tag]Hope Centeno[/tag] “I don’t know if I can find another job. I am ruined. My only sin is that I loved James. I wish I was not judged,” she said, dabbing a piece of tissue paper at her eyes and nose.

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Ten Ways to Getting Through Hard Times

twins.jpgA footage from “Joined for Life: Abby and Brittany Turn 16” via The Learning Channel can truly inspire us during our deepest darkest despair. “Abigail and Brittany Hensel (born 7 March 1990, United States), are dicephalic [tag]conjoined twins[/tag]. Brittany is the left twin, and Abigail is the right twin. They have two spines which join at the pelvis. They have two stomachs, three lungs, and two arms. ” They are intelligent, energetic, fun-loving girls who just happen to share one set of legs and one set of arms – each girl controlling one half of their conjoined body.

Abigail and Brittany narrate their top ten list of interests since they turned 11. Despite the obstacles , they are able to drive, shop, attend high school which any “normal” teenager would love to do. After watching their video, I am amazed to see their wonderful positive attitude and their ability to live a normal life. Of course, they are probably adapted to their bodies.

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a mom blogger who advocates constructive engagement in issues on family & society.
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