Let’s have a break. Break into a smile with Pinoy Signs through photos.
Jagging Pants
I wanted Waitress
The Holy Week holds a special meaning in my heart as it’s during this time that my precious son talked about eternal life. How would I have known that he was preparing himself for his death?
“When I die, I will be alive again“,
Luijoe (with excitement), a month before he became an angel.
A month or so before Luijoe went to heaven, he asked me questions about angels, death, heaven and graves. I don’t exactly remember when Luijoe started to ask me those things.
This is what I wrote two weeks after Luijoe died.
(This is a post I originally wrote in 2008. )
When my two girls were in grade school, I’d often hang out with the mommies at the waiting shed, eagerly waiting for our daughters’ class dismissal. We called each other “classmates”. Starting from nursery till sixth grade, I had my gang of mothers. In one of our idle talks, we compared child rearing practices. One of these was handling our daughter’s suitors and request for parties once they reached high school. The topic was met with dread and fear of our daughters mixing with the wrong crowd or better yet, having a boyfriend at so young an age. I formulated my own set of ideas which proved to be a learning experience.
This is not a definitive guide for Filipina mothers since we each impose our own peculiar guidelines for our daughters but maybe you can pick up a tip or two. For the guys, it is a preview of the twisted mind of a typical mom and her feelings towards their daughters’ suitors. With Lauren’s permission to illustrate examples, here are my own guidelines.
1. Just because she is your daughter doesn’t mean she is like you.
I had this notion that my daughters shouldn’t have a boyfriend while in high school, the same way my parents brought me up. I made my rules clear : No dating till 18 years old but you can entertain phone calls, visitors and attend parties.
I thought I was a liberal mother. I mean, look, I still gave freedom for my daughters to mix with guy friends and hang out with them. But then, I learned something much later on. There are two types of teen girls. There is the ligawin, the feminine, charming, smart girl and the suplada, the girl (like me) who likes guys but do not appear charming to them.
One of my girls fell into the ligawin category.
When my twelve year old girl started receiving phone calls from guys, her dad warned me that she might be like his sister who had a boyfriend in high school. I brushed Butch fears away.
No, she won’t have a boyfriend because like me, I didn’t need to have a boyfriend in high school.
There was a NO BOYFRIEND rule imposed and the girls knew that. I thought it was clear.
Until one afternoon…I received a phone call if I could “supervise” the times my daughter and her son were together in either of our homes. I raised hell there and then and started yelling at my daughter to come to the phone. Oh yes, I screamed, to put it mildly. Being a control-freak mother at that time ““NO OFFENSE ON YOUR SON, BUT MY GIRL CAN’T HAVE A BOYFRIEND.” My voice sounded a notch higher than usual.
I started rattling off that my husband would raise hell if he found out she had a boyfriend. I never told Butch that her daughter had a boyfriend. She was only 15. Livid with anger, she was grounded the whole summer.
2. Never set rules in stone. Be flexible.
When I look back at this incident, my anger was not because Lauren had a boyfriend. I was mad that she betrayed my trust. In my anger, I refused to be flexible. Maybe, I should have agreed to the “supervision”. Did it destroy my relationship with her? I guess it did. I felt that it strained our mother-daughter relationship for a long time. I should have sat down with her and set the boundaries of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.
Looking back, I don’t have regrets. The boyfriend was a delinquent who kept flunking his classes in high school. The parents eventually sent him to the states. I believe it would not have worked out in the end because my girl was serious with her studies. I met the ex-boyfriend in my home a few years ago. Well, he looked a bit weird with his mohawk hair but I found out he has yet to take up some college education. Go figure.
3. Don’t be too chummy-chum-chum with the suitor or boyfriend.
Mommies tend to empathize with the rejected suitor or the dumped boyfriend. Often, the mommies feel the guy’s pain of rejection. The mom feels bad especially if she believes that this particular guy is very suitable for their daughter. But the daughter doesn’t think the guy is for her. Yes, I was like that too. kawawa naman siya. Kausapin mo!. (what a pity. You should talk to the guy)
I know of a mother who talked to the suitor all afternoon because she took pity on the guy when her daughter refused to see the suitor. In fact, this mom dragged second daughter to talk to the rejected suitor. Funny thing is the second daughter and rejected suitor became a couple. When my daughter dumped a suitor (who often talked to me via instant messenger) in favor of another guy, I was flabbergasted. I uttered the same line too. I felt sad for the dumped suitor.
And my daughter coldly replied eh, why don’t you talk and comfort him?.
4. Trust your instincts. Give your opinion on the guy and let it go.
Okay I was disappointed with her college boyfriend who dropped out of school. I also felt that my daughter was second choice after the guy got dumped by her friend. Still a control-freak mother, I confronted her and minced no words about my honest opinion of the guy. I have my reasons but I’d rather not mention it here. Mothers have instincts , you see. The problem with me was that my approach was old-school, manipulative and controlling. Now I know better. I should have just said my piece then let it go and allow her to make mistakes. But no, I told her she couldn’t see this guy. PERIOD.
That did not prevent them from being together despite my objections. Inspite of my stringent rules, I have to give her credit for not eloping with her boyfriend (a friend’s daughter did just that and had a baby soon after.)
5. Get to know the potential boyfriend material. Do some research.
When my daughters confide their crush, I often ask for a photo just to see how they look like. Often I’d agree and nod “Oy, he is cute.” One day, my girl showed me a friendster url of her crush. Sure the guy was a looker. But what did I see? Oh my…photo after photo, her crush was wrapped around with a different girl. I asked “you want to be another collection?”
If you’re tech savvy, you know there is that nifty search engine at the click of the mouse. The suitor might have a blog too, you know! A word of caution though. Don’t judge the guy based on the blog content alone. Entries may contain sarcasm, embellishment or prone to misinterpretation. But as I mentioned in number 4, say your piece, then let it go. Nagging is not going to stop your daughter from liking a guy.
6. Give basic sex education.
I don’t mean, encourage sex. In fact, I remind them that abstinence is a healthy practice to follow. But things happen. A friend told me that she wished she had given sex education to her 18 year old daughter. Her daughter’s first sexual experience led to pregnancy only because she thought she’d never get pregnant.
So I often say, ““Don’t even believe your boyfriend when he says he has protection”“. Then I add just one tiny drop contains millions of sperm to impregnate you. It takes only 1 sperm cell!. It’s not a comfortable discussion, mind you. My daughters cringe with awkwardness every time I babble on sex education. I’d rather see them cringe during my lecture than see them cringe in pain with an unplanned pregnancy.
7. Express the ideal qualities of a guy.
Eventually, I allowed my daughter to continue the relationship with the guy (in number 4) after I discovered they were still together after a year. I believed it would not last long anyway. Secretly, I was hoping she’d see my reasons eventually. I often dropped hints on the qualities of the guy that would suit my daughters. I don’t really know if they listen to me. Moms know a lot more about their daughter more than they even know themselves. We just hope it sinks in. In the end, it’s their life. It’s their choice. Mothers can only guide.
Funny thing was my daughter ended the relationship with this guy two years later, for the reason that I objected to in the first place. I allowed her to make mistakes. I could have said ““I told you so” after my instincts proved right.
My daughter often tells me that I am a cool mom now that I am more laid back. I had to pass through being an uncool mom to be a cool mom.
Any guidelines I might have missed?
Consider the cold facts of women around the world. Up to 70% of women experience physical and or sexual violence by an intimate partner at some point in their lives. You might ask what is sexual violence?
Sexual violence includes a wide array of non-consensual sexual activities, which may be perpetrated by partners, friends, family, acquaintances, or strangers. Consent is commonly recognized as approval or agreement given without force or coercion. One’s ability to consent is affected by age, disability, self-induced or forced intoxication of alcohol or drugs, and language barriers. Legal minors are unable to consent, as may be others who are incapacitated. Sexual violence victims represent a range of ages, but the focus of this article is adults and adolescents.
Sexual violence may include but is not limited to Sexual Assault, Exhibitionism, Voyeurism, Sexual Photography or sexual Harassment. I already talked of physical violence against women. This cycle of abuse can be broken if women know how to empower themselves. The law, Republic Act (RA) 9262 Anti-Violence Against Women and Children is not against men. It is against men who treat their women as property.
What is a little known fact is that the Philippines has an anti-sexual harassment law passed in 1995. Too bad it came late because when I used was single and employed, I often heard inappropriate sexual remarks addressed to me. I got my fair share of wolf whistles and leering stares. There were times I wished the floor would just open and swallow me up. It is not a comfortable feeling. And no , it is not flattering.
Oh yes, sexual harassment comes in many forms such as unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, inappropriate sexual comments and any hostile environment (workplace, school, etc.) where sexual joking, viewing of pornography, and/or degrading images are present.
It is but right that Cristina Ramos filed sexual harassment complaint vs Azkals Moy, Guirado. She elaborates below:
Ramos, a FIFA official who served as commissioner for the friendly, said that the incident happened when she conducted a team check in the Azkals’ locker room prior to the match.
““As I called the players individually so that we could check their accreditation cards and kits, Philippine player LEXTON MOY (no. 25) stood by my right side and said in a loud voice ‘Must be a B cup,’ to which the players laughed loudly,” said Ramos in her letter to the AFC. ““As I was the only female in the room, he was apparently referring to my bra size.”
““Additionally when I checked Philippine player ANGEL GUIRADO (no. 12) he stood in front of me purposely just wearing his briefs and made no attempts to wear shorts or cover his underwear. Again, the players loudly laughed while I was checking this player.”
Senator Pia Cayetano is calling for an investigation “of this incident so this can be put to rest, not only because this is a serious allegation made by Match Commissioner Cristy Ramos, who is a sports official, but also because the Azkals are looked up to by the youth as modern-day heroes and role models” . I bet these men were unaware that their inappropriate sexual comments were against the law. Sexual harassment also applies to all genders and sexual orientation. Look at the following examples.
VERBAL:
- Sexual innuendo
- Gender specific insults
- Suggestive and/or derogatory humour, jokes or comments emphasizing sex, gender-specific traits or sexual orientation
- Sexual propositions or invitations
- Threats of a sexual nature
- Homophobic remarks
- Inappropriate or uncalled for comments about one’s body or dress
- Persistent unwanted contact after the end of a consensual relationship
NON-VERBAL/NON-CONTACT:
- Suggestive staring or leering
- Suggestive and/or derogatory sounds or gestures emphasizing sex or sexual orientation
- Inappropriate displays or distribution of sexually suggestive and/or derogatory pictures, objects, writing or graffiti, including electronic and hard copy forms
- Unauthorized distribution of sexually-explicit material involving specific individuals
- Persistent unwanted contact after the end of a consensual relationship
- Stalking
PHYSICAL CONTACT:
- Unnecessary or unwanted physical contact of a sexual nature such as patting, touching, pinching or brushing against a person’s body
- Persistent unwanted physical contact after the end of a consensual relationship
Sexual harassment is NOT about interactions between consenting adults, mutual attraction or flirtation , consensual relationships and expressions of affection between friends.
It does not mean sexuality or sexual issues may never be discussed in a work or study area or that they cannot be areas of legitimate academic inquiry. Discussions of scholarly research on sexuality in the classroom, for example, would not normally constitute sexual harassment. Of course when the discussion of sexuality veers towards inappropriate in content or presentation style to the setting or the individuals involved, this might create a situation in which sexual harassment may happen.
Cristy Ramos and I are about the same age. I would feel very offended, like any woman would be if that happened to me. So what if you are a handsome man? or an Azkal team member! It is not a comfortable feeling. I bet some men do not want to be sexually harassed too.
However, sexual harassment is most often directed towards women and can sometimes lead to violence. Since it is Women’s month in March, I dedicate this entry to all the women in the world. Help us stop violence against women.
This has been moved to Prime Time, experiencing life to the fullest , my Prime Time Woman blog
Update– Read Chuvaness “Credibly Challenged” for photos of the alleged rape victim with some Azkals team members.
She seemed uncomfortable. Her eyes looked uneasy. Pia Guanio appeared just as uneasy as she probed answers from Amanda Coling, the alleged rape victim of 4 Azkals team members. As the interview continued, I felt like squirming on my chair. It felt painful to watch. Whose idea was it to show an alleged rape victim where no case has been filed yet? No formal charges have been filed against the Azkals members. Now Amanda Coling is the butt of jokes in Twitter, her name trending in Twitter worldwide ( at least for 90 minutes). I don’t feel comfortable with the interview because she did not issue a statement on TV. So what was the purpose of all this?
People in twitter think it is all for publicity. I feel she wants her job back and to clear her name. A few days ago she felt harassed about losing her job and on the interview, she felt upset. This is what she said two days ago.
““That’s [ejection from show] harassment. This is my job and I insisted that I’d be part of the show… I put my heart to it, I dedicated myself. All my efforts are nasayang lang kasi I’m not going to be part of it.”
One tweep is “not judging Amanda Coling. I just think she should just file the case and stop the interviews because it’s really not helping her any.” My friend thinks that the “biggest problem with this new trending topic is that it feeds into a meme that justice can only be had in a trial by publicity.” Another argues that ” her name was put out there, so she can’t hide. Appearing on TV was the right decision, to show the world she isn’t afraid.”
Allegations of fraud are hounding a German who accused 4 members of the Philippine Azkals national football team of raping a woman. It seems the source of the alleged rape is tainted.
Rape is a serious crime. True or not, I hope things are not exaggerated. My mom blogger friend “hopes this case (and the way people are reacting to it) doesn’t take away from the fact that rape is a violent criminal act. No means No.”
I hope she comes out with her official statement soon to set the record straight. One argued in Twitter that “If what she is saying is true, then Amanda Coling should take the stand in court. And when I say “court”, I dont mean “Showbiz Central”.” It is unfair for the Azkals, for her and other rape victims. And if she was indeed raped, I hope she files a case.
Meanwhile in Twitter, there are tweets who poke fun at her. A few are sympathetic but most are just skeptical.
I do not understand why the good Bishop Oscar Cruz calls it the “Sex Bill 4244” when it is plainly, Reproductive Health Bill HB 4244.
You know what the Bishop said ? End products of Sex Bill 4244: Promiscuity. Insensibility. Amorality.
Risa Hontiveros delivers a brillant rebuttal to the Sex Bill.
End products of House Bill 4244: Women and youth’s welfare. Choice for couples, a chance in life for people.
Risa adds “Even without the bill, there is promiscuity. ““Copulative delight without fear or worry.” Is that an evil thing? Isn’t that how God or the universe envisioned lovemaking? Fearful and worried copulationâ€â€is that what the good archbishop desires for couples? Hardly a godly or humane vision. The first topic in adolescent RH and sexuality education would be values formation. ABC: Abstain, Be faithful or monogamous, and Contraceptives, including condoms, would be taught.”
Reality is that promiscuity exists even without the RH Bill. Abortion too. I believe the sexual act will even be valued if these are discussed through sex education. At least for me, that worked. I am blessed to get sex education during my high school years in the mid-seventies together with my mother’s guidance. I have since passed this knowledge on to my two daughters. But how many mothers are like me? Just read through my sex education article to see the dilemma most parents face. Most say they are clueless, fearful, or feel awkward.
I have talked to single mothers and parents with daughters pregnant in their teens. The single mothers wished they had known more about sex and the consequences. The mothers wished they were not too uncomfortable talking about sex education to their children. I will talk more on this topic in another blog entry.
There is just too much obsession with sex that the main essence of reproductive health is lost.
A simple rebuttal to the Sex Bill is easily explained in Section 4 of the RH Bill 4244 .
To Bishop Cruz main point that it is against reproduction is false.
To call it ““Reproductive Health Bill” is a big distortion. Reason: the Bill is not ““reproductive” simply because it is against reproduction.
The RH bill helps couples with infertility problems.
Reproductive Health Care refers to the access to a full range of methods, facilities, services and supplies that contribute to reproductive health and well-being by preventing and solving reproductive health-related problems. It also includes sexual health, the purpose of which is the enhancement of life and personal relations. The elements of reproductive health care include the following:
(j) prevention and treatment of infertility and sexual dysfunction;
The bishop forgets that even when the Bill passes into a law, the Church can still continue their teachings on the sanctity of marriage, morality and other values to uphold.
“Every maternal death is an event we can avoid and one that we should never allow to happen.” Fatima Bakire, MD, Dosso Regional Hospital
People attending last week’s church sponsored anti Reproductive Health bill rally actually believed abortion is part of the bill. I can accept people who are against the RH Bill because of their religious views. What I find unacceptable is spreading misinformation about it.
I wonder why the label ““pro-life” is assumed by those against the Reproductive Health Bill (RH Bill). Am I anti-life if I support the RH Bill? Am I immoral? Why do bishops call it the demonic RH Bill? Can’t God be the judge of that?
If they claim they are pro-life, why do they wish ill of RH backers? Why do they play ““audio messages, one of which features a lola character wishing lightning would strike lawmakers backing the bill?
How can these holier-than-thou know each RH advocate? Do they know …?
We must not be surprised when we hear of murders, killings, of wars, or of hatred…If a mother can kill her own child, what is left but for us to kill each other? – Mother Teresa
As countries across the globe observe the Day of the Unborn Child today (it is Day of Unborn in Manila) , I will be celebrating the 25th birthday of Lauren , my eldest daughter. I don’t understand why the Catholic church here in the Philippines calls it the “Day of the Unborn” which pretty much sounds like some creepy horror movie like the “Undead”.
Those against the Reproductive Health (RH) bill say they are pro-life and label RH advocates like me as “evil” or pro-abortion.
Well, hear ye.
I am pro-life.
I am for the Reproductive Health Bill.
I am pro-life because I believe that all births should be planned and wanted by their parents.
I am pro-life because I don’t believe in abortion except for special cases e.g. mother dying of high blood pressure
I am pro-life because I believe women do not have to die during childbirth.
““The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart.” I agree with Helen Keller.
Nothing prepared me for the the beauty of Palawan seascapes, its breathtaking sunsets, the beautiful people and the miracle of the Golden South Sea Pearl. The beauty captivated me so much I felt dazed. Now that I look back at it, I wished time slowed down for me to take it all in.
Photo by Jayvee Fernandez
This amazing adventure started with an invitation from Jewelmer through Yehey, their digital marketing. As I leafed through the invite I noted the ““passion for life” at the top and to join them in becoming a catalyst of change. That sounds like me. I am passionate about meaningful things in life. The invite to visit Palawan is heaven-sent. I have always wanted to visit the Philippines last frontier. The stories of travel bloggers inspired me to make Palawan a must-experience travel destination . I wanted to witness how the lustrous golden Philippine South Sea Pearl is cultivated. Lastly, I wanted to observe the livelihood projects of the ““Save Palawan Seas Foundation”, that are both sustainable as well as environmentally sound. I was terribly excited. Jayvee, Anna and I are the first set of bloggers to join this Pearl Farm tour, a first for bloggers in the history of Jewelmer.
There is so much to write about this trip that it needs to be shown in three parts: the travelogue, the beauty of the golden South Sea Pearl and the people of Palawan and the livelihood projects of their foundation.
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