California Fires Post Trauma Recovery

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california firesThe dark gray clouds was all I remembered that day as a 5 year old girl running around the garden in our old house in Cebu. In the eyes of a child, it was just an ugly dark cloud not knowing that the gas depot was burning a few meters away. I recall the evacuation, scurrying away to the front gate into the safety of my grandma’s car. I didn’t know the gravity of the situation then but I could sense the relief of my parents as we went back to our house. There in the front yard were all our furnitures and stack of boxes. Apparently, my mom stayed behind to pack up some of our stuff and even managed to haul off the furniture. She had the luxury of time to pack up unlike the victims of the Southern California Fires. We were probably lucky because our house didn’t catch fire. Our neighbors lost their homes. We were saved. No one died though.

Losing a home is not just losing a material possession. It’s losing the memories attached to the home. And like any loss, it’s a painful process. There is grief too. Any major event in our lives affects every aspect of our lives. They don’t know what is “out there” or how they’re going to be affected by this change somewhere down the line.

I have a friend who lost her 15 year old daughter in a fire. Unimaginable grief. Inspite of the horror of the tragedy, she chose to rebuild her home in the exact same lot. The loss of a house can easily be rebuilt but the loss of a child is permanent. I am not minimizing the victims who have lost their homes. True, they will face the same grieving process as bereaved parents face but there is hope. There is hope that they can rebuild their lives.

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Maningning, A China Lass

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Traffic was unusually light that Friday Morning. Maningning reached the Far Eastern University from Diliman in less than an hour. Maningning plucked a stem of bougainvillea at the trellis and carried it with her as she greeted the clerk seated at the office on the ground floor of the Institute of Architecture and Fine Arts. She then took the elevator to the seventh floor where her class usually met. The quiz she would give today would be unlike all others.

She was fifty minutes too early. The Brigada Siete TV crew, which featured her later, took a picture of the flowers she left in the women’s comfort room. She walked along the corridor. To one side was the row of empty classrooms, to the other were the railings that guarded people from falling to the empty space below. I should think her heels ached, because stunned witnesses claimed that she removed her shoes. Wings grew from where she felt the pain. The wings lifted her to the railing where she sat for a while facing the classroom walls, to her back the gaping space into her underworld. I imagine how she imagined wings growing from her pained heart. She lifted her head and prepared to lie in the air. But hearts in pain do not grow wings. She fell to the awning six floors below. She was twenty eight.

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The Grieving Child

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siblingsThis photo was two months after Luijoe’s death. Here are my two daughters in their early teens about to release balloons on Luijoe’s 7th birth Anniversary. The sunny skies greeted us as we celebrated that day with balloons, his favorite gummy bear, flowers , candles and incense sticks. All of us signed something on the smiley balloon by Luijoe’s grave. As I look at this photo, I could not imagine my children’s grief until many years after. This was how Lauren expressed her grief 3 years after the death of her brother:

Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. I chose to deal with my sadness through writing down what I felt in my journal. I suppose I could have talked to my friends about it, but I knew in my heart that they could not comprehend the magnitude of my sorrow and guilt unless they themselves have experienced death, which they haven’t.

During my bereavement, one thing that exasperated me was when people would tell me things like, ‘At least your brother is an angel in heaven now.’ Though I know they meant well by these attempts to comfort me, I did not want to picture Luijoe hovering in and out of the clouds with a pair of wings and a halo. I wanted him to be alive, to be as annoying as little brothers are; anywhere but inside a wooden casket buried six feet under a fine carpet of Bermuda grass.

Grief is a never-ending process. The beautiful thing about grieving is that even though you will never get over the death of your loved one, you will learn to move on and live without that person. Death like any great wound leaves a scar that will heal with time. But the mark will always remain, and so will the memories of your loved one.

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Loida Nicolas Lewis Talks on Grief and God’s Love

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Loida LewisYesterday, I caught up with Loida Nicolas Lewis at her condo somewhere in Makati just before her flight to New York. I have heard so much about her as an industrialist and philanthropist. It was my task to interview her for a University of the Philippines’ (UP) centennial book project to be launched next year for the 100th anniversary of the state university. I read up on her before our meeting to make sure that I didn’t repeat facts already found in the internet or her books. Based on my research, Loida was married to Reginald Lewis, considered as one of the most successful and richest African-Americans and has been described as instrumental to her husband’s business success. After her husband died from brain cancer in 1993, Loida took over the family business and was successful in the company’s growth. At the moment, she is the Chairman and CEO of TLC Beatrice, LLC (the Lewis Family investment firm), TLC Beatrice China (operates retail convenience stores in four major cities in China) and TLC Beatric Foods Philippines (operates a meat processing plant in Naga City).

I am fascinated with her life, her success and faith in God.

tattlerHer secretary showed me the September 2007, 6th Anniversary issue of Philippine Tatler. It features their 834 Fifth Avenue Manhattan home which the Lewis family moved in a few weeks before Reginald succumbed to brain cancer. Reginald became the first African-American to live on Fifth Avenue and one of its “A-plus apartments”. But let not this wealth fool you. Loida is busy with the family-run Lewis College in Sorsogon where they offer college courses and a nursing assistant certificate. Not only that she funded a part of a micro finance project in Sorsogon called PALFSI (People’s Alternative Livelihood Foundation of Sorsogon, Inc.)., She is also Chairman of Business for Integrity and Stability of our Nation Foundation, Inc. (Bisyon 2020). She is such a busy woman and I am indeed fortunate to have been accommodated for this interview.

My interview with Loida lasted for 2 hours which you will read when the book comes out next year. In the course of the interview, I asked her about the loss of her husband and how she dealt with it knowing it can help a lot of readers in this blog. This is what she told me.

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Multi-Sport Celebration in Memory of Gabriel

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Sometimes you never know where friendships lead you to. My friendship with Pia started when my husband and I went on a date with Pia and her then boyfriend/future husband, Butch (now legally separated), who happened to be my husband’s best friend during their Law school days. I never dreamed that the four of us would sit down literally under the mango tree and conceptualize the law office of Sebastian , Dado, Cruz and Batalla (now CASElaw). I was their first accountant while Pia was the Office Manager during the first months of operation as our husbands struggled to make ends meet. Our husbands were busy being the lawyers , of course.

Though we were not exactly as close as our two husbands were, Pia consoled me during the wake of my son and gave me grief reading resources. You know, there were not many people who were tactful and compassionate during those days. I felt comforted by her words. Who would have thought that two years later, our husbands would now share a maddening experience of losing an only son? And both us would have two surviving daughters. Gabriel, Pia and Butch’s son had a rare chromosomal disorder called trisomy 13.

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Justice for Cris Anthony Mendez

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cris_mendez.jpg
([tag]Cris Anthony Mendez[/tag] via his friendster account)

For the past days, my rollercoaster emotions got caught up with my own Justice for my son crusade. I will write about this soon. The news on the Hazing eyed in death of graduating UP student outraged and saddened me because it was a senseless death. (more news in here, here and Cris Mendez Dead, Justice for the Boy When?).

I knew the name of the fraternity even before the mainstream media picked it up. How? My husband is a frat man at the same campus and text messages circulated freely that Sigma Rho is suspected to be the fraternity behind the hazing. I asked my husband how could fraternities use this type of violent method to determine their qualified brods. Why can’t they just have non-physical initiation rites like implementing worthwhile projects? . My 2 girls overheard my suggestion and laughed “mom, this is a frat. It is not a macho thing to start projects”. What baffles me , how come, in this day and age, fraternities still find it necessary? It is barbaric.

Justice might have to wait as the Quezon City Police District Criminal Investigation and Detection Unit (QCPD-CIDU) claimed that Dr. Francisco Cruz who reportedly brought Cris Mendez to the Veterans Memorial Medical Center (VMMC) had gone into hiding.

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A Father’s Grief in Grief Share

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father's grief
It’s my husband’s turn to be featured on TV . For many years after my son’s death, my husband was inconsolable often in a depressed mode. In our “modern day” society it is especially difficult for fathers to grieve openly, caught in a catch 22 of how to express the deep pain they are experiencing. Men don’t cry, men do not emote, men do not hug (maybe at the funeral) men don’t go to support groups, men don’t call in sick because they are screaming inside, They are the man of the family. Fathers are the fix it guys, the protector, the strength and the rock the family needs for support. More often than not, people will ask a bereaved father “how is your wife doing? This must be extremely hard for her”.

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Grief Counselling for Harry Potter Readers and Fans?

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I have not read [tag]Harry Potter Book 7[/tag] ( [tag]Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows[/tag] ).

There are rumors suggesting that one or more main characters will die. A grief counsellor claims that these deaths could cause a serious impact on children.

a “certified grief counselor” is using the release of Harry Potter’s final book to pimp herself to the media, under the guise of helping parents and children deal with grief over the death of fictional characters. Because deaths are rumored to happen in Book 7, the press release states “This could have a serious impact on children, millions of whom have grown up reading, watching and profoundly enjoying the characters and storylines of the Harry Potter series.”

Source: via Harry Potter Grief Counseling?

and this bit of news from the UK

Meanwhile, parents in Britain have been told to prepare for grief counselling. The media is warning that for many young readers, Harry’s death could be as devastating as the death of a best friend, pet or even a relative. The Daily Telegraph reported last week that even child psychologists are getting into the act. It cited American child psychologist Michael Brody who has come up with a three-point bereavement plan to help parents comfort their mourning children.

Source: Will Harry Potter live or die?

Really now? I read the news out loud to M and she just laughed. “Mom, I cried when the mommy dinosaur died in The Land Before Time movie. I was way younger . I turned out fine.”

I can only roll my eyes at the obvious marketing ploy of some enterprising grief counsellors. Children are very resilient. Children who have gone as far as Book 7 know the characters are just make-believe. They can re-read the book over and over again to digest the loss of their favorite character .

The question is when does a child need a grief counsellor or any kind of professional help? or what are the signs that a parent need to watch over their child when they are faced with a loss of a favorite story character, a pet or a friend or family member?

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Flowers for Your Birthday

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flowersOne of my fondest memory of Luijoe are the wild flowers he gathered from the park . With eyes twinkling as he held out the flowers, he scrambled up to my lap , gave me a hug and smacked a wet kiss on my cheek while uttering I love you so very much, Mama. Today it’s my turn to get flowers for my boy because July 13 is his 14th birth anniversary. But who says there can’t be a birthday cake, birthday present, or a birthday party?

Death ended my child’s life but not his relationship with my family. Even if there is no birthday boy to celebrate his 14th birthday with, I know that a spritual bond exists between us. As I gaze at the lovely flowers I bought at the Market! Market!, I marvel at God’s creation on the beauty of life. It’s good to be alive and to have survived the past 7 years of this grief journey. True, my son might not be around but his memory lives in my heart. We can still celebrate his birth anniversary at home.

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