How to mend the broken heart of your daughter

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Healing_a_broken_heart.jpgRemember how we mothers ease the pain of our toddler’s scraped knee? I remember blowing the wound and caressing my little girl’s leg…. “There it will go away now” . My little girl would then wail “baaand-aiiiid” thinking the band-aid can patch the pain. What happens when this little girl is now an adult, nursing a broken heart? How can a band-aid now patch the gaping hole in her heart?

Yesterday night, my daughter went home from her dorm. She informed me beforehand that she had a problem but she will tell me in person. My husband and I couldn’t sleep thinking it could be serious. Eventually we lifted our worries to God and soon fell into a deep slumber. What could we do anyway at 12 midnight?

We broke off! I stared at my lovely daughter with her sad eyes upon me as I sat on her bed.

Oh no was all I could say. I couldn’t believe it. The boy was just at our home last weekend. They had been together for more than 2 years. But then, I also recalled Butch and I broke off on our second year. I had outgrown him. I was already a working girl and he still had to graduate from his bachelor’s degree (he is younger than me). I tried to recall the pain of breaking up and what I did to alleviate it. Doing something new and keeping busy was what kept me going.

I told her that her dad and I had two break-ups in our 7 year steady relationship. “Relationships are not easy, my dear. It hurts because you love him. You are going to grieve the loss of a relationship. Feelings of sadness , anger, acceptance and moving on will be part of the healing process. Just like I often say to the newly bereaved parents, you will start looking for your “new normal”. A life without your loved one. That is the moving on phase where you live the life of being single again. The “we” that was there before is now broken.” I didn’t have to talk much as all she wanted was my unconditional love.

“I’ll enroll you in that pottery class every weekend. Try something new.“, I suggested.

She warmed up to the idea. “that sounds like a great activity that I can start“.

I know she will need to figure things out for herself without mommy. Her mommy can only hug her and say “things will be better. Keep on praying for guidance”

I love you mom.

My heart breaks as I see her forlorn expression.

Unfortunately, I can’t mend her broken heart. She is grieving the loss. The “band-aid” she needs is just within her reach. In time , she will heal. I believe the terms “grieving” and “healing” are synonymous. As she grieves, she heals.

The Stage Mother of a Philippine Idol Contestant

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ericaI didn’t expect much of the Philippine Idol last sunday night . I thought our Filipino contestants were subdued compared to their American Idol counterparts. If you followed the past American Idol seasons, the audition is the wackiest part of the show. The [tag]Philippine Idol[/tag] Season 1 proved to be just as funny and entertaining with certain quirks that is peculiar to the Filipino culture.

stage motherThat [tag]stage mother[/tag] in the photo must be so proud of [tag]Erika Jill Bautista[/tag] . As Erika sang, the mom engaged in small talk with Ryan Agoncillo. Sometimes, she listened through the walls. Erica has an hearing impairment (35 decibels) in one ear that she has to wear a hearing aid. Inspite of her hearing impairment, she sings pretty well.

That’s why the judges called the mother inside so she could hear the good news. The look in her face is magical just like any proud mother would react to a daughter’s achievement.

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Fear of Heights

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vegetables
This image of a colorful fruit cart would normally be posted at my Photo Blog. There is one fear I have and that is the fear of heights. This photo calmed down my fear of heights temporarily. Fear of heights is a common and sometimes appropriate feeling. There are, according to psychologists, two natural fears – fear of loud noises and fear of heights. I don’t think I have acrophobia (severe fear of heights). It’s just that I feel woozy when I walk or drive past mountain roads, cliffs, windows overlooking the street floor. I cannot drive in the Tagaytay ridge without feeling nauseated. While strolling at the second floor of the Powerplant Mall, at Rockwell Center, I glanced briefly at the basement and saw the fruit cart. Nice! The pattern and colors of the tropical fruits were amazing but I suddenly felt dizzy. I didn’t dare look at the basement floor for fear of wretching and spewing vomit all over the basement. So I zoomed my camera and just stared at the LCD screen . *snap* Wonderful. I didn’t puke.

Annulment in the Philippines

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annulment philippinesHome alone every lunch time is a routine I face during the week days. While the household is devoid of the girls’ babblings and pitter patter, the ghosts at the second floor pace restlessly. I turn on the TV to distract me from unwanted ghostly apparitions. At least I can hear human voices. While watching Korina’s talk show , the topic of the Philippine state of annulment caught my interest. In my husband’s family, 3 out of 6 siblings’ marriage are either annulled, divorced or separated. Take your pick. I won’t go through the reasons for their separation but I believed they gave it their best shot before resorting to legal action or no legal action. Once upon a time, I also considered separation but thank God for this second chance at love and a more meaningful marriage. Now I am just wondering how the Supreme Court junked Amy Perez’ annulment petition.

The Supreme Court denied with finality the petition filed by actress Maria Armida “Amy” Perez asking for an annulment of her marriage to estranged husband Brix Ferraris, ANC reported Thursday.

In an eight-page resolution, the high court said the psychiatrist’s testimony failed to prove that Ferraris was suffering from psychological incapacity under Article 36 of the Family Code. The court also ruled that alcoholism, sexual infidelity and abandonment are not enough grounds to declare a marriage null and void.

Is it just bad luck that Amy’s case landed in the wrong court? Or is it because the psychiatrist’ testimony is inadequate? I thought it was easy to get an annulment as I have heard of favorable annulment decisions from friends. My ex-sister in law was able to get the court’s favorable decision in less than a year. Was it because she was a lawyer? The Supreme Court found Perez’s husband’s alleged mixed personality disorder, the “leaving-the-house” attitude whenever they quarrelled, the violent tendencies during epileptic attacks, the sexual infidelity, the abandonment and lack of support, and his preference to spend more time with his band mates than his family were not rooted in some debilitating psychological condition but a mere refusal or unwillingness to assume the essential obligations of marriage. Is that so?

What about alcoholism in some marriages?

In a 1992 JAMA article, the Joint Committee of the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence and the American Society of Addiction Medicine published this definition for alcoholism: “Alcoholism is a primary chronic disease with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations. The disease is often progressive and fatal. It is characterized by impaired control over drinking, preoccupation with the drug alcohol, use of alcohol despite adverse consequences, and distortions in thinking, mostly denial. Each of these symptoms may be continuous or periodic.”

The debate continues that alcoholism is a personal conduct problem, rather than a disease even in the US. I bet our courts don’t buy alcoholism either as a ground for psychological incapacity. Alcoholism needs to be established prior to their marriage. However, there is a way out to Amy’s annulment problem. If she converts to another citizenship her divorce will be recognized in the Philippines. I don’t think that will be easy as it take years. Meantime, she is not free to remarry or even date as it could be viewed as adultery.

Examples of psychologically incapacitated person ” as drafted in the Family Code was not defined. The committee gave judges a leeway to interpret the provision on case to case basis. It’s just tough luck for rejected annulment cases. And wow, what a waste of lawyer fees!

Menopausal Pregnancy

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No I’m not pregnant. I thought I was. The past few weeks was so stressful. My husband worried over the state of my health. Imagine, if I had blogged “I’m 49 and I’m pregnant“. Would I cry or laugh if that happened? When I confided my fears to my daughter “I don’t want to hear it. It’s disgusting” It must seem embarassing to her if we conceived a baby at our age. Heck, some of my high school classmates are grandmothers already. Not that I want to be a grandma. Five years ago, I thought I wanted to have another baby. My obstetrician-gynecologist did a thorough physical checkup and declared that my eggs were that of a 39 year old woman. The hitch then was my diabetes. My husband and I decided not to pursue another child.

I have been injecting insulin in lieu of oral meds for the past weeks as precaution and just finishing the rest of the stock. It’s not a far-fetched idea to be pregnant at my age. My sister in law mentioned that her sister bore a healthy girl at the ripe old age of 51. My other sister in law is a menopausal baby. Her mom was 46 years old then. I know two other friends who bore their child when they were in their mid-forties. It’s possible but very risky. Dozens of babies are being born every year to women over the age of 50 who have had in vitro fertilization (IVF) in the UK . I don’t think anyone has tried that here in the Philippines. I won’t take my chances. There is an increased risk of heart attack, stroke and hemorrhaging and, because of the additional pressure placed on our older bodies, we are more susceptible to high blood pressure, pre-eclampsia and diabetes. Much as I love babies, I will just wait for my grandchildren to arrive in the far future (erm not anytime soon).

Empty Nest Syndrome: A Preview

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familyIt was dinner time. Only Butch and I sat by the dinner table. “We’re alone.” My husband sighed. “This is a preview of our empty nest” . My two daughters moved in to their dormitory yesterday. Of course, they will be home during the weekends or on wednesday for my daughter studying in UP. It seems my husband is more emotional than me when it comes to the children . Like I wrote in a previous entry, Butch is my co-homemaker and acts more motherly than me sometimes. Well, I teased “we need to live together in harmony now that we’re alone most of the time.“. He nodded “We have all the time to be ourselves but it’s lonely without the children“. He continued to mope. What we felt is normal. We’ve heard of empty nest syndrome as college students when we left our parents for dorm living. We both came from large families and the empty nest didn’t occur overnight. We had no idea what it was like until both of our children left for semi-independent dorm living. After reading my daughter’s declaration of semi-independent living, I wonder how my husband will take it after she leaves us after graduation. So what is empty nest syndrome?

Empty nest syndrome refers to the grief that many parents feel when their children move out of home. This condition is typically more common in women, who are more likely to have had the role of primary career. Unlike the grief experienced when (for example) a loved one dies, the grief of empty nest syndrome often goes unrecognised, because an adult child moving out of home is seen as a normal, healthy event. Upset parents may find few sources of support or sympathy. In many cases, [tag]empty nest syndrome[/tag] is compounded by other difficult life events or significant changes happening around the same time, such as retirement or menopause. Source

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My husband, my co-homemaker

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My husband is quite a character. I thought I knew him so well. After all, we were steadies for 7 years. Living together revealed an unknown facet of his personality. He likes to market in the palengke (wet market) and do the grocery. Not only that, he is very nurturing and more motherly than me. A fussy father er mother. He loves washing the dishes and even doing the laundry (when the laundrywoman is not available). This was quite a surprise revelation and a minor irritant at first. He can even iron clothes. I can cook, bake, organize and clean the house but I don’t relish the idea of laundry or ironing chores. When the kids were sick with asthma, he stays up all night and monitors their breathing, and give their medication. I grew up in a family where dad was the sole breadwinner and left household chores with the females. My 3 brothers were spoiled by their sisters and my mom.

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Getting a pet Cat or not?

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birman catbirman cat
birman catbirman catI was at the pet shop of Makati Cinema Square, looking for an anti-flea medication for the pets at home when I spotted these kitties. How adorable. This Birman kitten mewed as I approached the cage. So cute. Then did a cutesy pose. He looks like a cross between a Siamese cat and a Persian cat. I looked at the price. Birman Cat, No papers, 10,000 pesos ($196.00). 10,000 pesos, really? I exclaimed. The salesman said it costs 36,000 pesos ($705.00) if the cat came with papers but he could gives me 1000 pesos off the asking price. Our Siamese cat came without papers and cost only 2,000 pesos over 7 years ago. But this is a Birman Cat. Unlike the Siamese cat, Birman cats are affectionate and soft-spoken. Lauren’s Siamese pet can be such a loud mouth. I really want to buy a pet cat of my own or even adopt an ordinary cat. See, the existing pets at home are owned by the 2 girls. They refuse to be petted by me whenever the girls are around. The kitties clamber up to my chair only when the 2 girls are at school

catbook.jpgI don’t think my husband will approve of a third cat at home. He’s asthamtic. But out of his love for the girls, he allowed them to have pets. In fact, he surprised me by buying “The Everything Cat Book“. It’s enjoyable to read and contains a lot of information I never knew in caring for cats. He knows I love these furry balls.

But a cat book is different from having a third cat. Mother’s day is coming soon, as Lauren quipped. Hmm?!

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Color my Grief

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1.jpgCreatively-challenged me had a great time at our monthly Compassionate Friends meeting. Instead of our usual sharing sessions, we turned it into a family activity involving [tag]art therapy[/tag]. Cathy arranged a special session with Color Me Mine Philippines just for our group.

laur0.jpgFor this meeting, I also invited my daughter, Lauren. My other daughter had a singing performance so she begged off. Lauren brought her boyfriend along to the meeting with us (We allow a bereaved family member to bring a friend to the first meeting ).

She giggled as she sat down:
“Wouldn’t it be funny if someone will approach us and ask how we lost a loved one?“.

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