A Healthy Attraction to People

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wedding2.jpgIt was in Twitter that I saw someone post…”asdfjhsda I’m so sick of weirdos! WHY CAN’T I ATTRACT NORMAL GUYS????????”. No offense to the guys who are attracted to that person right now, but the problem is not the guy. It’s you and me who are attracted to these types of person. My daughter and I had a conversation about how I got attracted to her dad. I remember now. I never lacked of a father image. My dad was a loving father, great provider and a mentor on handling life’s problems. But my loving dad was boring. He was so traditional and conservative, afraid to venture into the unknown. A perfect example was a trip to Europe with my sister and dad in the early 80’s. Dad preferred to take organized tours while my sister and I wanted to take the nearest train and just venture on our own. Most of all, he wasn’t demonstrative with his love. He never hugged us or said “I love You”. Subconsciously, I chose a spouse that was passionate, affectionate, happy go lucky and adventurous and to put it mildly, “wild and unconventional”. The truth of the matter was my marital problems were mainly caused by this happy go lucky trait.

When I planned on a separation with my husband a few years ago, I imagined I would find myself in another relationship. Who was I kidding? I needed to fix ME, first and foremost. The issue is about us and not the other person. That is the heart, the hope and the power of recovery.

Often, we learn about ourselves from the people to whom we are attracted. The basic question is : What then is a healthy attraction towards people?

1. In recovery, we strive towards a healthy attraction to people. We allow ourselves to be attracted to who people are not their potential nor to what we hope they will become.

2. We need to work family of origin issues. The less one needed to work out on these issues, the less one needed to work through them with the people one gets attracted to. It meant one needed to finish our business from the past as it helps us form new and healthier relationships.

What I needed to do was reach out to my inner adventurous spirit. I didn’t need a partner to compensate this for me.

3. The more we learn to love and respect ourselves, the more we will become attracted to people who will love and respect us and who we can safely love and respect.

Once we take care of ourselves, we start to value ourselves. Loving ourselves overflows and it transcends to others that value our love.

4. Be patient with yourselves. The type of people we find ourselves attracted to does not change overnight.

5. Learn to take care of yourself during the process of forming and initiating relationships. Learn to tread slowly, to pay attention and even allow mistakes , even when we know better.

6. Stop blaming our relationships on others or on God and begin to take responsibility for them. We can learn to enjoy the healthy relationships and extricate ourselves more quicly from the dysfunctional ones.

We learn to look what’s good for us instead of seeking what’s good for the other person. We need to take responsibility for ourselves and learn what we need to learn.

Trust that the people you want and need will come into your life.

I trust that my daughters will form a healthy attraction to people in their lives. I trust that they will be open to the lessons they need to learn about themselves in relationships so that they will be prepared for the best possible relationships with people.

When the children leave

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I miss my babies, my children.

my children

My home has been a semi-empty nest since 2010 when my second child flew to Australia to work then eventually taking her post-graduate studies. During college, they lived in dorms close to their school in Quezon City when we used to live in Makati. That wasn’t too bad because I saw them once a week.

Nothing hits hard when the last child finally leaves home. My eldest daughter moved to her condominium on May 1. She had been paying for her “shoebox” as she calls it since she was 22 years old. I am proud that she is a property owner at so young an age . The fact that she saved a huge portion of her salary to invest in this property the last three years or so is quite an achievement.

My second daughter moved to Germany on April 30 and is officially an OFW. I am just as proud of her academic achievements and getting a job in Europe for the next three years. At her age, I traveled around Europe. The difference is , she gets to work there. She is truly blessed.

I have been preparing for this but when the day finally came, it hits a raw nerve. I would always whine during their last few months at home…”Oh you are leaving me. I will miss you”.

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them. Children should learn to be independent from their parents as soon as they are able to. I wanted them to feel that they can survive on their own, yet having their parents close by. My mom died of breast cancer when I was a teen-ager. If that should have happened to me, I did not want them to feel helpless. Though I lived on my own after college, I felt my girls lived a sheltered life. I prepared them for it. They slept with me on the family bed till they left for college. It is a nice warm feeling having them close in my arms. The family bed ritual gave them a feeling of security as they ventured on their own.

I have long accepted that my children are riding off into their own future, maybe as shakily or as steadily as when they rode the first bike I gave them. Maybe it is my turn to have this shaky feeling at times.

I have no regrets. As a full-time homemaker , I gave up a career and took care of them during their growing years.

I am grateful for blogging which gives me an avenue to pursue a passion, doing something good for the country and the future of my children. It offers a distraction from the loneliness that hits me hard during this time of the month.

my-family-with-luijoe

I can’t suppress this pang of sadness and loneliness because it is Luijoe’s 13th angel date, today.

If Luijoe were alive, I would still have a child around the house because he would only be 19 years old.

If Luijoe were alive, he would probably be with me, hugging me every now and then till he is 23 years old until he decides to travel abroad like my second daughter did.

If Luijoe were alive, the sound of a child’s footsteps on the hallway and cries of “mom” would still fill the air.

If. if…it is my grief talking and knowing that love never dies … and the sadness of having no children at home at times like these. Oh well, there are my two cats, the two helpers and my husband to keep me company.

I know this crushing sense of grief is just for today.

Tomorrow will be better.

candle-lighting

A hug is a handshake from the heart

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You can’t wrap love in a box, but you can wrap a person in a hug. ~Author Unknown

HUG [huhg] – verb : to clasp tightly in the arms, especially with affection; embrace

A friend who I have not seen for over 30 years suddenly gave me a full-on hug, unselfconsciously without much thought and took my breath away. I guess there were some things left unspoken. My affection is beyond words.

A tight hug overcomes all boundaries. It speaks words within the mind that cannot be spoken. For some reason, I was so touched by that one good hug that I sort of teared that night, not of sadness but of joy. It felt good to be hugged by a dear friend whom I have lost contact. The hugs felt so good because it relieved any feelings of emptiness and burdens that I may have carried unconsciously.

Hugs feel so good because all unexpressed feelings can be expressed in the manner of hugging.

Hugs feel good because it serves as one avenue of expressing any kind of emotion that is difficult to express verbally.

They say there is a science to hugging.

The act of hugging comes in various forms. Experts claimed that hugs give positive effects on health. Research has shown that hugs increase levels of oxytocin as well as it reduces blood pressure levels. In fact, hugs have known to increase levels of serotonin, which is the hormone responsible for one’s mood, emotional responses and energy levels. With its increase, it stimulates other systems to function efficiently and adequately giving one person an exceptional feeling of wellness.

Psychologist Virginia Satir once said, ““We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.” I take the time and energy in eating right, exercising, and nurturing myself. I make sure I get a minimum dose of four hugs a day and even more from my husband and family. I am not talking of 10 second hugs. The hugs should be at least 20 seconds. A study at the University of North Carolina found that levels of cortisol, the hormone produced when we’re under stress, were significantly lowered (particularly in women) when subjects hugged their partners for at least twenty seconds.

The world would be a better place if we smiled more often and hugged a bit longer.

Give someone a big long hug. Make sure it lasts at least 20 seconds.

From me to you, here is a virtual hug.

” Everybody needs a hug. It changes your metabolism.”
Leo Buscaglia

Life is about making choices

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““The end result of your life here on earth will always be the sum total of the choices you made while you were here.”

I have choices. We have choices, more choices than we let ourselves see.

People may feel trapped in their relationships, their jobs and their lives. They may feel locked in a controlling or caretaking behavior.

Feeling trapped is sympton of codependency. A long time ago, I use to be a codependent. I should know. Yup, I drove myself crazy and my family even crazier. Haha.

I often heard myself saying “I have to take care of ..”.

“I have to say yes”

“I have to control …”

” I have to behave this way, think this way, feel this way…”

I know I was choosing not to see choices. It seems that being trapped is really an illusion. Are you really trapped?

I know I am not anymore.

All that unhealthy behavior changed seven years ago when I recognized that I had choices. Healthy choices.

I an NOT controlled by circumstances, my past, my expectations of others or unhealthy expectations for ourselves.

I choose what feels right for me, without guilt.

I have options.

Recovery is not about acting perfectly or according to someone else’s rules.

Recovery is about knowing we have choices and giving ourselves the freedom to choose.

I choose to open my thinking and myself to choices available to me.

I make choices that are good to me.

I choose to be happy.

I choose not to live a life of misery despite losing a son.

I choose to try to do good for others.

I choose to use my blog as a vehicle for advocacy.

I choose to love my country and do what I can to help.

I choose to live a meaningful life.

I choose love above everything, because

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Have you made choices that are good to you lately?

Here are some thoughts to ponder on about making choices. These quotes are culled from Dr. Shad Helmstetter’s book called ““Choices.”

““The choices we make by accident are just as important as the choices we make by design.”

““Choosing to live your life by your own choice is the greatest freedom you will ever have.”

““Whatever you choose, you might as well enjoy it. It is your choice.”

““When you have a problem, make a choice…you’ll feel better.”

““No one else can ever make your choices for you. Your choices are yours alone. They are as much a part of you as every breath you will take, every moment of your life.”

““You may think that in life, a lot of things happen to you along the way. The truth is, in life, you happen to a lot of things along the way.”

““Some people choose to live by complaining. Other people choose to live.”

““It is your programming that has created your choices in the past. It is the choices you make today that are creating the programs of your future.”

““There is no life as complete as the life that is lived by choice.”

““It is only when you exercise your right to choose that you can also exercise your right to change.”

““If you were given only one choice: To choose or not to choose, which would you choose?”

““Another person’s choice is nothing more than another alternative for you to consider.”

““There may be a thousand little choices in a day. All of them count.”

““The choices we make in the heat of emotion would be better if left for some other day.”

““Listen to the quietest whispers of your mind. They are telling you the choices that will help you the most.”

““If you’d like to know what your choices have been, look at yourself and the life you have lived. What you see is the choices you’ve made.”

““Who knows what you could accomplish in life if you made more of the right choices along the way?”

““You cannot manage your life if you do not manage your self. You cannot manage your self if you do not manage your choices. Manage your choices, and you will manage your life.”

““Learning what to choose, and how to choose, may be the most important education you will ever receive.”

““Those who choose to succeed always do better than those who never choose at all.”

““The highest levels are most certainly filled with those who chose to be there.”

““Even the best of choices is only as strong as the choices that stand by its side.”

““It is the big choices we make that set our direction. It is the smallest choices we make that get us to the destination.”

““Each day that passes, your choices will come and go. They are like diamonds in a chest of jewels, each waiting to be discovered.”

““If you have to take time to make a choice, take time. Then make the choice.”

Words and ways to comfort the bereaved

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Don’t judge me unless you have looked through my eyes, experienced what i have, and cried as many tears as me. Until then back-off, cause you have no idea.

angel-of-grief

Today Matthew Warren died of suicide. He is the son of Rick and Kay Warren who must be facing the most painful moment in their lives. There is no pain more gut-wrenching than losing a child. My heart and prayers go out to them at this most difficult time.

““No words can express the anguished grief we feel right now,” Warren wrote in a letter to his congregation.

A long time ago, I too lost a son and I found hope and courage in Rick Warren’s The Purpose-driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? . The book inspired me to move beyond the pain of losing a son and work on my new normal. Because the book talks about starting a service, I initiated the The Compassionate Friends Philippines Chapter with the help of Cathy Babao and Alma Miclat.

I can’t be there to hug Rick and Kay Warren for their loss and thanking them too for giving me the courage to live this new normal after the death of my son. What I can do is to continue on with my advocacy on suicide prevention and grief education such as ways to comfort the bereaved.

In most of my meetings with the bereaved, a common complaint is the insensitivity of concerned friends or relatives. I see it also in some of the insensitive tweets addressed to Rick Warren questioning the circumstances of his death. Some may not know what to say and blurt out the wrong words.

I have had my own share. I know the depth of concern they have towards us but in their enthusiasm, they blurt out the most insensitive remarks. Newly bereaved are very sensitive to these remarks.

Many parents feel they were being unjustly judged and criticized by those who could not possibly understand because they have not experienced the loss of a child. Compassionate Friends USA shares the proper response.

Our wonderful, concerned, well-meaning friends don’t know. They can only imagine how the newly bereaved feel. They haven’t personally known (thank God) the disbelief, the shock, the anger of losing a child or any loved one. Instead of bringing relief, those words just seem to add to the hurt and the grief. There are no words that will make it all right that someone we loved has died. But there are ways that can soothe the hurt, ease the loneliness and add to the healing. Recently, my sister visited The Compassionate Friends to get tips on how to comfort a family whose daughter died of suicide.

candle-light

I’d like to share some of the ways to comfort the bereaved:

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My son’s premonition of death during a Holy Week?

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luijoe-cross

The Holy Week holds a special meaning in my heart as it’s during this time that my precious son talked about eternal life. How would I have known that he was preparing himself for his death?

“When I die, I will be alive again“,
Luijoe (with excitement), a month before he became an angel.

A month or so before Luijoe went to heaven, he asked me questions about angels, death, heaven and graves. I don’t exactly remember when Luijoe started to ask me those things.

luijoe-at-luijoe-meadow1

This is what I wrote two weeks after Luijoe died.

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How to live an exceptional, superb, and powerful life

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lifeLife seemed unfair to me before I walked the rocky road of recovery in late 2004. Wallowing in self-pity and hopelessness was a daily routine hoping eventually I’d die soon from my misery. I practiced negativism for almost 4 years until I snapped out of it. It must have been divine providence or my angel nudging me to live a new normal. Or simply, I got tired of hearing my old whiny self. Really, life need not be unfair. Sure the five deaths including some members in my family of origin is unimaginable grief. But here I am, alive and trying to make a difference in this temporary place we call Earth.

How did I do it? A lot of prayers. A lot of self-help books. A grief therapist, yes! A spiritual seminar. A daily aerobic workout. A new wardrobe. A new attitude. Eventually, I reinvented myself but then again, recovery is always a work in progress. I stumble now and then but I always pick myself up, brush the dirt, hold my head up high and walk again.

A high school classmate emailed a list of forty tips for an exceptional, and an enriching life which contains very powerful tips for any phase in our lives. It summarized everything I have learned or am still learning from life. Whether one is in a mid-life, quarter life or job crisis, the 40 tips remind us to keep on going whenever things don’t work out the way we want them to.

Implement whatever you can.

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. Buy a PVR/TIVO, tape your late night shows and get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, “My purpose is to ___________ today.”

5. Live with the 3 E’s: Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy.

6. Watch more movies, play more games and read more books than you did in 2006.

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Bitch Powers: Is there such a word?

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bitchA long time ago, my daughter insisted that I use my “bitch powers” to get Harry Potter Book 7. Is there such a word? I wondered if I should be flattered or not. Does the word “bitch power” sound like a compliment or not?

I turned to my husband “is my “bitch power” a good or a bad thing?” He assured me that bitch means being assertive enough so that I get the results I want. Let me count a few instances:

1. M. third grade teacher marked “zero” on her participation of a group project. I felt it was unfair because she practically did all the work. It was just too bad that the bully in the group told her not to talk during the presentation. Seeing the unfairness of it all, I set an appointment with the teacher. I found out much later that this teacher often received threatening phone calls from parents because they didn’t like her strict teaching methods. The teacher appreciated my bold gesture of questioning the grade. M. got a perfect score after I told the teacher in detail what M. contributed to the project.

2. I started with the guard, then the clerk then another clerk to set things right in the queue of that BPI incident . Naturally, the next step is the branch manager where I finally got the results I wanted. The queue worked out in the end after the Bank Manager lectured the guard on the orderliness of the lines.

3. When my macbook’s hard disk crashed a day after the one year warranty expired, I persuaded the Apple Service center to consider it as within the warranty period. Come on, it’s just one day after the expiration. After a few phone calls, I got a brand-new hard disk.

I believe those instances called for “bitch powers” which work.

bitch
My definition of “bitch” is not one who is nagger, or a war-freak wife. I am neither demanding nor mean. In the book Why Men Marry Bitches, “bitch” is described as ” a strong woman who has her own identity and is secure with who she is.” I don’t know how the other bitches in the world work. I define myself as a passionate, loving , loyal wife who will fight for her man , her family and her marriage . When threat prevails, the bitch in me will find ways to curtail it. Lately I established family relationship boundaries and that’s when havoc occurs. My methods may come out offensive or abrasive in a world where one is not used to confrontation or honest exchange of communication.

I choose my battles and practice the art of dedma when the occasion calls for it.

What if I meet my match? Let’s take a look at a recent incident which ticked me off. The person chastised me for promoting an activity which is not within the scope of the group. It was very well within the interests of the group but do I debate my point?

Do I summon my super bitch powers?

No way. For the sake of peace, I practiced dedma. It is not safe to deal with this type of person. I don’t know what’s ticking in their minds.

I’ve always believed that I can’t change people, places and my past but I can change my attitude. No use calling my bitch powers to counteract a negative and unhealthy person.

How about you? What occasions do you unleash your bitch powers, if any?

—–

Asides: My sister reminded me of a forwarded email on bitchology which might interest you :

BITCHOLOGY

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs,
they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love,
they call me a bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
or do things my own way, they call me a
bitch.

Being a bitch means I won’t
compromise what’s in my heart.
It means I live my life MY
way.

It means I won’t allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and
speak against it, I am defined as a
bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for
myself instead of being everyone’s maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won’t become anyone else’s idea of what they think I “should” be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.

I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame,
try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won’t succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch , so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.


B – Babe
I – In
T – Total
C – Control of
H – Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

Send this to 5 women to put a smile on their face!!
“If you can’t do something right, get a woman to do it.”

Prayers to the families of the Tausugs

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Prayers-Let us send this to the families of the Tausugs. Some of them are reading our posts. (via
Yolanda O. Stern)

PhetandingKoBayanan

In Tausug version

Kainaan, duwa-ahe niyo in mga kaanakan amun nagluwas lungsad hasupaya kamu sumannang. Bang siya makauwih ha wayna kawul pag sarahakan na siya pa Nagpapanjari.,

Mga Kaanakan, anak takamu. Gulgula niyo ako iban ayaw kamu mabugha’, pasandunga niyo yan da ako ha raig niyo.
Hapag lagguh niyo, lasaha niyo he Inah niyo iban sin mga taymanghud niyo. Iban gulgula he amah mo bang hapag balik niya wayna kawul iban baytae siya sin kalasahan mo siya.

Kaasawahan, wayna sasakit sakit dain sin kalawaan kakasi. Duwaa kaw amun tiyaymah sin Tuhan in pagbaug niya iban bang mayan in Sabah makabalik da pa mga Ahlus Suluk.

Mga Kaput Balis sin Sultan: Bang mayan kamu halawum kusug, pangannal mahantap iban pangatayan malanuh misan pa in kaawnan niyo halawum kasigpitan.
Hitukbal ko kaniyo in sasalaman bang magdul in Tuhan makabalik kamu buhih.

Ha mga sila Timakliad na: Kamu na in mga tau gagandilan saltah iban sin dayaw, liyagguh namuh in pagluwas lungsad niyo.

English version

Hold Fast your Hearts!

Mothers, pray for the sons who went home with the currents to seek for you a better roof. If he comes back not to say hello, close you eyes and embrace the heaven at your feet.

Daughters, you are also mine. I hug you close and keep your fears so close to me. Imagine me next to you. Life will go on. You will grow up. Be good to your mother, brothers and sisters, hug your Father if he returns and tell him you love him.

Wives, there is no hole left bigger in a heart, than the one left by a lost beloved. Pray that he has entered Heaven and pray that Sabah shall one day, return to the people.

Royal Sultanate Force: May you sit in your hour of darkness with Clarity of Mind, Honesty at Heart, and Strength of Body for the fight that may not let you see the dawn . I will say my goodbye and if the Almighty bring you safely home, Heaven on Earth is possible.

In Memoriam: You are the gentlest yet the bravest men, we honor you in death.

It probably means that Dec. 21 is the end of a great era & also the beginning of a new era.

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Today, December 21 is the most dreaded day of 2012. If we are to believe the Mayans, today is supposed to be  the ““end of the world” and the start of a global apocalyptic event. Like other predicted doomsday events, it will cause destruction and the end of humanity.

A descendant of the Maya, Jose Manrique Esquivel from Mexico’s Yucatan peninsula says  the December 21 date is a celebration of their survival despite centuries of genocide and oppression. He blamed profiteers for fueling doomsday fears.

Esquivel added that “for us, this Dec. 21 is the end of a great era and also the beginning of a new era. We renew our beliefs. We renew a host of things that surround us”.

While some believe that the Mayan prediction is true, I  look at it as another prophecy that will not happen. Doomsday scenarios are bound to happen again. What do we do when it comes again?

I say to just let go and let God.

Serenity

I recall a few years ago, my daughter  wrote that “ the only thing we should strive for, she said, is calm. “. I immediately thought of serenity. The following day, I asked “did you mean serenity?”

And she said “I think so”.

I explained that most human beings search for serenity in their otherwise chaotic life. It is probably true that the end of the world may come sometime in the future but what can we do about it?  Things will never be within our control.

So I told my daughter Serenity isn’t freedom from the storm , but peace within the storm and I reminded her “Remember the Serenity Prayer poster you bought for dad two years ago from the States?”

serenity prayer
The Serenity Prayer Poster Lauren bought at art.com is now placed at our bedroom wall

The Serenity Prayer is a prayer that applies to most of us in recovery whether in grief, loss, broken-heart, alcoholism, addiction or some dysfunction. And what is the most common element?

God or God as we understand God , to be more politically correct.

Without sounding preachy, I enthused that  “it was God that helped us in our grief recovery. Despite our initial anger with God, He helped us through the pain. Perhaps God can guide you too”.

True, it is God that is our source of guidance and positive change. It doesn’t mean we’re not responsible for ourselves. We are but we aren’t alone. Recovery is not a do-it-yourself project. We do our part, relax, and then trust that the changes we’ll experience will be right for us. Recovery does not mean looking at other people as our source to meet our needs. Sure they can help us but they are not the source. We can tap and trust God for the energy, wisdom and guidance for our recovery process.

Living one day at a time

We live life one day at a time which requires so much faith in us. We don’t look back at the past unless healing from the past is part of today’s work. We look ahead to make future plans. We focus on this day’s activity, living it to the best of our ability.

We surrender to God’s will . We stop trying to control and settle for a life that is manageable. We trust that God ‘s will for us is good, generous and with a direction. Through trial and error, we learn to separate our will from God’s will. An important of recovery is owning the power to take care of ourselves. Sometimes, we need to step out, step back or step forward which can be very frightening.

Without God’s help, I would not be where I am today in my grief recovery.

And so every time, some thing bothers me like the angst of my daughter, I always recite the Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

And I call upon God to help me and I will ask for what I need.

Just like Esquivel,  this Dec. 21 can be the end of a great era and also the beginning of a new era.