Grief gives back

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It has been a while. In my dreams, I wept that it woke me up still in tears. I forgot my dream now but I remember Luijoe, my beloved son was in it. Then it occurred to me, today is his 12th Angel year. It has been 12 long years. Imagine, I lived through those years. When my grief was so fresh, the wound was so deep , my heart so broken , I felt I fell into the deepest virtual pit in my mind.

It took me nearly five years before I emerged from that deep dark, cold pit . But now, when something triggers the memory of my son enough to make me cry, I find it comforting. It tells me that time is a measureless dimension in which my son and I are always part of each other.

Indeed, death took away my beloved son. That’s all there is to it. But grief gives back. Looking back at the past 12 years , I was not simply eroded by pain. I became more attuned to my emotions.. more aware, more compassionate, and more able to help others.

Grief is powerful alchemy. It plunges us into sorrow and forces us to face the finiteness of life, the mightiness of death, and the meaning of our existence on this earth. It does more than enable us to change; it demands it.

The way we change is up to you, and it is possible to be forever bowed by grief. But it is also possible to be enlarged, to find new direction, and to allow the memory of the beloved person we have lost to live on within us, not as a monument to misery but as a source of strength, love, and inspiration. By acting on our grief, we can eventually find ourselves a place of peace and purposefulness.

It is my belief that all grievers, no matter how intense their pain, no matter how rough the terrain across which they must travel…can eventually find that place within their hearts.

Today, I am very much aware Luijoe lives in my heart

Our souls entwined

communicating everyday.

Everything I had with Luijoe when he was alive still lives in me. He lives in every word and action I do for the rest of my life.

Loving yourself first

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I believe it is really important to love ourselves first. To love others, we must first learn to love ourselves. For Women’s day, let’s devote it to ME first so I ‘d like to share some quotes on loving yourself first.

There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame that heats our soul, energizes our spirit, and supplies passion to our lives.”
– Elisabeth Kubler Ross

““Something inside you emerges.an innate, indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness. It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence. It is what you had been looking for in the love object. It is yourself.”
– Eckhart Tolle

““Find the love you seek, by first finding the love within yourself. Learn to rest in that place within you that is your true home.”
– Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

““Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.
– Louise L. Hay.

““You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.”
– Wayne Dyer

““If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you’ll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself.”
– Barbara De Angelis

““The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.”
– Sonya Friedman

““A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world. Everyone you meet is your mirror.”
– Ken Keyes

““You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
– Buddha

So what are some things you can do to love yourself?

Gratitude is the first step to loving yourself. Start by thanking the people that mean a lot to you. But what things can you do today to take care of yourself?

1. My favorite is always going to the salon and pamper my feet with a rejuvenating pedicure or add eyelash extensions. I also enjoy the spa and having facials.

2. Indulge in a sweet treat like an ice cream bar (well perhaps once a month).

3. Buy a bouquet of flowers to brighten up your home.

4. Remember the special people in your life such as your friend from your youth. Have lunch with that person. The laughter and special memories are very uplifting.

5. Try something new. Start another blog. Take language lessons. Draw. Paint. Run.

6. Take a long nap. Enough rest works to improve problem-solving and creativity. Love your body by giving it the care it needs and it deserves.

And most of all, look at the mirror, smile and affirm that, that you are love and accept yourself as you are.

The only love you should be looking for is the one inside you.

Not a decision of men. In the end, God will decide

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“In the end, dear friend, it is always between us and God, not between us and them.” Mother Teresa

Pain has been a great teacher. I guess I can relate to pain of others. Losing my precious son, my mother , father and two siblings opens my heart to others in similar pain. Last wednesday , I arranged a meeting with Chief Justice Renato Corona and Blog Watch. Many things have been said about this man. Mostly horrible things. I wanted to know what he was like. CJ Corona does not appear charismatic in his public appearances. Perhaps that should be the case because he is not an elected official. A friend thinks that CJ Corona ” acts and speaks like a chief justice should – with utmost respectability and decorum after all, he is NOT a politician, concerned about “facade” or image.”

Talking to him offered me a glimpse of a mild-mannered man with soft spoken voice, but hurting from the demolition attacks from various interest groups. When asked how he felt from all these attacks, he said

““Nasaktan ang pamilya ko. Tao lang kami. Hindi ito madali. We are just human beings. We were insulted. Nilait kami on TV, on radio, in the papers. We were demonized. We were called names. My wife was demonized and we do not deserve this.”

My heart fell. Here was a man vilified by the Court of Public Opinion. How does he cope?

““Napalapit kami sa Dyos. We used to pray individually. I have become spiritual.”

Prayer was something that they used to do as a family but as the children got older, the practice soon fell through. Their US-based daughter joins the family prayer via Facetime. A priest advised him that to be blessed by God, one must learn to forgive. It must be difficult forgiving those that besmirched your private life and the family.

I believe in prayer. It’s the best way we have to draw strength from God. I also know how it is to turn to God when things are beyond our control. I have been there, helpless with the grief engulfing my life. Lifting the pain to God makes one feel the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders. Turning our worries into prayer works, but we must leave it in God’s lap and refuse to allow it to plague our minds. When things happen to me that are out of our control I try not to worry about it excessively, instead I offer my worries to God and trust that He will make things better for me.

This time around, I see Corona and his family are hurting from all the mud thrown about their private life , ““rather than a process to determine his guilt or innocence based on due process according to the rules of court.”

In those two hours I spent time with him, I was visibly moved with his sincerity that I almost teared. How could these unseen forces judge him when he has yet to present evidence? The horrible things said of Corona will have its day in the Senate Impeachment Court. Innocent until proven guilty. I just do not feel any bad vibes from this man. Now I understand the reasons why employees of the Supreme Court defend their Chief Justice. CJ Corona is highly likable person. I even met his wife , son and eldest daughter before the meeting and were all gracious and easy to talk to.

I am not saying CJ Corona is innocent. Let’s distinguish between Corona the person and Corona , the public servant here. It is not my place to ascertain if he is guilty of the Articles of Impeachment. That is the job of the Senate Impeachment Court.

Whether the Senate Impeachment Court delivers a verdict of acquittal or conviction, CJ Corona will accept it. He said, this is not a decision of men. In the end, he says ““God will decide.”

(Hope you read the posts written by other bloggers who got to talk with Chief Justice Renato Corona)

The movie “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close”, about loss, coping and illumination

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“What if?” “If only…” and “Why Me?” are words that ring true when faced with unimaginable loss.

A traumatic death shatters the world. It is often a loss that does not make sense. Life is not always fair and that sometimes bad things happen to good people. The sudden death leaves us feeling shaken, unsure and vulnerable. Losing someone you love is not an easy journey. Each one will surely face its own grief journey in their own unique way.

My husband and I watched “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” yesterday because we know it deals about death. Anyone that is faced with devastating loss can relate to lost souls who are in a process of traumatic recovery. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close tells the unflinching story of a boy trying to make sense of the world after his father perishes in 9/11.

After a year of his father’s death from 9/11, eleven year old Oskar ventures to his father’s closet and finds a key in a small brown envelope labeled “Black” within the blue vase. The boy, who shakes a tambourine to calm himself embarks on a “reconnaissance expedition” in which he contacts every single person named Black in New York’s five boroughs. It is not mere trivia Oskar yearns to conquer but inside, it is the quest to find the meaning of life (and death) itself. He goes on a relentless quest to open a lock that he believes will reveal a message from his father that will help him make sense of a senseless world.

While this story is about the unimaginable loss as 9/11, it made me think about my own loss in life…the death of my mother, my two brothers, my precious 6 year old son, then my father. All five family members.

How does one make sense about the death of a loved one? In the process of seeking the answers, the search for meaning of the loss can challenge a survivor’s religious and spiritual beliefs. Survivors are forced to look at and re-evaluate life priorities. I feel the pain of Oskar’s frustration in trying to reconnect with his dead father.

Trying to make sense of or understand sudden losses can be difficult. Survivors are left asking “Why?” “Why did this happen?” Yet events such as the September 11, 2001 tragedy were beyond anyone’s control; they are a sudden, unexplainable loss.

It is human nature to want to answer the question “Why?” yet it may be difficult if not impossible to find an answer. Instead the question “Why?” is more of a plea for meaning and understanding. The thoughts of Rabbi Earl Grollman provide a useful perspective for coping with this difficult question:

Now death has shaken your faith, “Why?” “Why must life be one of sorrow?” “Why?” There are no pat answers. No one completely understands the mystery of death. Even if the question were answered, Would your pain be eased, your loneliness less terrible?

“Why” may be more than a question. It may be an agonizing cry for a heart-breaking loss, an expression of distress, disappointment, bewilderment, alienation, and betrayal. There is no answer that bridges the chasm of irreparable separation. There is no satisfactory response for an unresolvable dilemma. Not all questions have complete answers. Unanswered “Why’s” are part of life. The search may continue but the real question might be “How [do I] pick up the pieces and go on living as meaningful as possible?”

One day, we find out there is no use making sense of death but there is hope in making sense of our life. It is best ask to “What can I do about it now?” “How can I help?” or “How do I pick up the pieces and go on living as meaningful as possible?”

All of these thoughts came back to me as I watched this film. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, the movie is a wonderful and moving story about coping the death of a loved one.

I thank God for my family

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Shielding myself from the scorching sun, I clutched on to my umbrella and looked down towards the smooth bermuda grass. My eyes linger to the engraved markings staring back at me , “Luijoe, my angel”.

“Mom are those weeds?” a daughter pointed to the tiny yellow flowers dotted at the top of his tombstone.

“I planted those so Luijoe will always have flowers cradled around his resting place”, I explained.

My husband knelt down and laid down a vase of mums as my other daughter carried another umbrella to shield him from the sun. We all stood there staring at the flowers and I couldn’t help feeling proud, “this is my family”. I took my iPhone and took a snapshot. Four pairs of feet beside Luijoe’s tombstone.

I felt a tug in my heart and wondered why I felt this way. It’s been 11 years after all. It must be a trigger. I was getting sentimental that my daughter would soon be leaving for Australia the next day. Or perhaps the stressful political conditions in the country must also be getting to me.

The words echoed inside my mind, “still a family” as we inched closer together and prayed, “Thank you God for family.”

I know that death ended Luijoe’s life but not his relationship to my family. He will always be our precious son. The difference is I gave up the old person who was physically connected to a now deceased Luijoe and made a spiritual connection with my child who died. True, my second daughter will not be with us for a year but I know we will always be connected, thanks to the internet.

It is with a sense of gratitude knowing my family will always be with me wherever they may be. I am thankful for their support in understanding the work that I do. During challenging moments, it is my family who stands by me.

No accusations of “you are pro-Corona, pro-GMA, anti-Noynoy” or “funded to support the RH Bill” or “someone is using you” or “influencing your choices”. Some of my friends disappoint me at times.

Next to God, my family knows what is in my heart. Searching for truth and justice is not being a pro-anyone but merely fighting for what I believe is right. After all, didn’t God give us the gifts of the Holy Spirit to know the difference between right and wrong, and to choose to do what is right? Life is too short to dwell on negativity.

My life in this mortal world is temporary and I might as well make the most of it by focusing on meaningful work, contributing value to society, sharing joyful experiences with my loved ones, and remembering to slow down to savor the precious moments.

Luijoe, my angel reminds me the temporariness of life and to live more fully in the precious moments I am blessed with.

The hot sun rises and the grass withers; the little flower droops and falls, and its beauty fades away. In the same way, the rich will fade away with all of their achievements. James 1:11

Greatest Love of All popularized by Whitney Houston

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“I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside.”

Whitney Houston was pronounced dead at 3:55 p.m. (6:55 p.m. ET) Saturday at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, California.

It is such devastating news to her fans. Indeed she was such an amazing talent. Her influence can be heard on a generation of young singers who cite her as an inspiration, from Mariah Carey, Brandy and Monica to Christina Aguilera and Beyonce.

“She had the perfect voice, and the perfect image: a gorgeous singer who had sex appeal but was never overtly sexual, who maintained perfect poise.”

The cause of her death is still unknown.

Towards the end of her career she was known to be a drug user. Her album sales dropped. “Her once serene image was shattered by a wild demeanor and bizarre public appearances. She confessed to abusing cocaine, marijuana and pills, and her once pristine voice became raspy and hoarse, unable to hit the high notes as she had during her prime.”

I will never forget this memorable song as its lyrics ring true to me. The “Greatest love of all” was the lullaby song I crooned to my babies twenty something years ago to make them fall asleep.

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be
Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me

[Chorus:]
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can’t take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

When an alleged rape slay is not just a news item

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A rape victim describes it…as ” something that happens to other people. We read about it in the newspaper, see reports of it on the TV, but once read or seen we move onto the next item of news. We dismiss it, forget about it. Yes, at the time of reading it or seeing it we may think “oh how awful” or “poor thing” but because it isn’t happening to us we can’t even begin to understand how it must affect someone’s else’s life, so it is easier to just dismiss it as just another tragic event. It happens.”

It happened to an extended family member.

ACV (let’s call her ACV), the wife of my nephew (the son of my paternal first cousin) is beautiful. Being sweethearts for three years, they decided to get married last year. Now with a two month old baby, they moved to a new place in San Pablo on January 1 this year. The year must be so promising as they chose January 1 as the move-in date. The transfer made sense since it is closer to their work. On their second day, A went outside their subdivision to buy cellphone load . It was only 8:00 PM. My nephew got worried when his wife did not return home. He could not leave their two-month old baby so called my uncle and aunt to help look for his wife. They arrived at 1:00 AM and started their search.

At 7:00 AM, my cousin (the uncle of my nephew) found A’s naked body in a vacant lot just 10 steps away from their home. I cannot begin to imagine the horror on my relatives’ faces.

Reading the news in the Inquirer website is even surreal. Rape is something I only watch on TV or read in the news.


“CAMP PACIANO RIZAL, Laguna, Philippines’ woman was found dead in a vacant lot in San Pablo City, Laguna, the police said Wednesday.

In a phone interview, De Castro said …. was last seen Monday evening when she left their apartment in Green Valley Subdivision in Barangay San Francisco to buy load credits for her cell phone.

At around 7 a.m. on Tuesday, a relative found the victim’s body dumped in a vacant lot inside the subdivision.

De Castro said … body bore bruises in the chest and head which may have been inflicted using a blunt object.

He said the victim was also found naked, leading police to suspect she was raped…

Police were conducting an investigation to find a suspect in the killing.”

I visited ACV yesterday. Speechless. Devastated. Horrified. No words.

Her chest bones were broken and her death was caused by the internal injuries. The criminals meant to kill her. I think two criminals were involved here.

In Philippine society, rape is a heinous crime but only punishable by reclusion perpetua, and not life imprisonment. Reclusion perpetua is prison for 20 to 40 years. There are still no suspects but A’s father told me they will certainly pursue a case.

Will ACV ever get justice? Will she be another statistic of unresolved crimes?

I will see what I can do to help. This blog post is a start.

5 Things I Hope For in 2013

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““Hope never abandons you; you abandon it” George Weinberg

hopeThe new year always promises hope for all of us. Hoping for something is personal to us. Aside from being the project editor for Blogwatch.ph (a Citizen advocates’ site), I hope for many things on a personal level to keep me on track for 2013.

1. I hope to continue my healthy lifestyle and keep my weight to my ideal limit (not beyond 125 pounds). A relaxed and productive mind starts with a healthy body so being fit and right is my number 1 priority. I need to take care of myself first and foremost, and the rest follows.

2. I hope for clarity.

When I am caught in the midst of an experience, it is easy to forget that there is a Plan. Sometimes all I can see is today. I hope for a perspective whenever I undergo confusing, difficult learning times.

3. I hope for balance.

Sometimes I can get too obsessed with work because I love it so much. I need to seek balance. Balance emotions with reason. Balance giving with receiving. Alternate work with play, business with personal activities. Juggle responsibilities to others with responsibilities to ourselves.

change

4. I hope for courage.

I need lots of courage for the upcoming May 2013 elections. It can get tiring to monitor the candidates and the #epalwatch. Whenever I get compliments from my work, I often thank the person and say that I am a work in progress. I know as a project head, I need to know the way and show the way. I am constantly learning by researching and being open to new ideas as well as old and tired ideas. My courage comes from my passion to make a difference in this world and I call upon God to help me go through the day. I am aware that courage won’t be a loud roar at every step of the way. With each step I take, I know I will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.

I know that sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day telling me, “I will try again tomorrow.”

5. I hope for change.

I am doing my part as a citizen of the Philippines with the new media initiative for Elections 2013. When I talk of change, it means moving in the right direction. Change starts in us. I hope that more voters select their candidates based on informed choices and not on popularity alone. I hope they take it upon themselves to study Five ways to make a difference in the 2013 Elections.

Spread the word that voting criteria should consider a candidate’s coherent platform, clear vision, character, competency

I know I can’t control actions of people, places and things so I can only hope for the best.

That change starts in me. I will continue to be empowered and to learn more about the intricacies of the Philippine Electoral system.

Let’s all hope for the best in 2013. Sometimes things do not look too optimistic and we often feel helpless.

When you do nothing, you feel overwhelmed and powerless. But when you get involved, you feel the sense of hope and accomplishment that comes from knowing you are working to make things better.

As Mahatma Gandhi said “Be the change you want to see in the world”.

Yakapin: Batang Hilagang Mindanao (YBHM)

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Think of one bear as one smile, one hug – one young life given joy and love this Christmas. Two thousand years ago, a child was (and is) the reason why we celebrate the most important holiday of the year.” Cathy Babao

How can one even begin to comprehend the loss of lives now reaching 1400 dead and missing in Northern Mindanao due to Tropical Storm Sendong . Imagine the grim statistics:

1. At least 19,759 families or 108,130 persons are affected by the calamity according to the National Disaster Risk Response Management Council (NDRRMC).

2. UNICEF Philippines estimates that 43,000 children are affected by the calamity.

Residents were caught unaware as the floods rose rapidly at around 2 a.m. Saturday, while they were sleeping. Many of the victims were recovered in mud.

When you hear this kind of news, one begins to ask is there a silver lining to all this? It may not be apparent yet but silver lining for the TS Sendong victims is collecting stuffed toys for the children and toiletries for the women affected by the wrath of Typhoon Sendong.

You ask “not slippers, clothes, water?”..Yes they need all that too and I am sure everyone else is donating whatever they can. It’s good to feel empathy, post, forward donation centers and contact numbers — but it’s another thing to take action. The simplest would be to TEXT 2899 with the message RED (amount you wish to give 100, 200, 500, 1000) and the funds will go directly to Red Cross. There are a hundred ways to take action, and mine is collating credible sources of donation in kind and in cash.

My friend Cathy (my co-founder of our grief advocacy, The Compassionate Friends) shows another way through Yakapin: Batang Hilagang Mindanao (YBHM) . Let me explain first.

See, children in trauma experience a lot of nightmares. The power of a hug, or something that they can hug cannot be underestimated. I took part in Cathy’s project five years ago when she initiated the “Thousand Bears for Bicol Project”. It was also around Christmas time too. You cannot simply imagine the joy the children felt when they received these teddy bears.

Cathy contacted the Regional Missionaries of the Philippines -Northern Mindanao Region after she spotted a poignant poster of a father with his child on a friend’s wall. She took that as her cue. Under their wing in Cagayan de Oro and Iligan are thousands of displaced women and children. This is Cathy’s small way of helping out. This is something that she had done before which is to collect stuffed toys for the children in the evacuation centers and to put together toiletry kits for the women affected by Sendong.

How to donate to the children

Here are the simple guidelines :

1. For stuffed toys please send clean, friendly looking toys (no pigs please, owing to cultural and religious sensitivities) in any size ideally, big enough for a child to hug.

2. For toiletry kits, each bag will contain the following items : toothbrush, tooth paste, soap, sanitary napkins (10 pcs), comb or brush, underwear (2 pcs) face towel, laundry soap — just the basics so the women can also take care of themselves as they take care of their children.

If you wish to help, please email her at cathybabao@gmail.com

Cathy plans to assemble the toys and goods throughout the holidays and deliver them to CDO just before the new year. She will need volunteers for drop off points in various parts of QC, San Juan, Pasig, Pasay, Makati, and Alabang. If you wish to volunteer your homes, establishments or offices as drop off points, please send me an email.

Please see a list of areas for drop-off here

Alabang – 12 Brentwood Street, Hillsborough, West Service Road, Alabang Look for Magding or JC

Greenhills : 33 Madison Street, North Greenhills, San Juan. Look for Ann or Shirley

Asuncion Berenguer, Inc. 3/f Homestudio Building, 63 Connecticut Street (same building as Homestudio, Torch resto and Bose) Northeast Greenhills . Please leave with guard and indicate ““Bears for YBHM”

Makati — The Citadel Inn, 5007 P. Burgos Street, Makati City c/o Andre Urbina

Marikina: 1 Ferdinand Marcos Street, Industrial Valley Subdivision, Marikina Leave with guard please indicate ““Bears for YBHM”

Paranaque — Johnson and Johnson, Edison Road, Paranaque City (Edison is street by Zuellig) Leave with guard, indicate ““Bears for YBHM”

14 C. Diamond Street. Greenheights Village Sucat Paranaqueque Look for Yaya Marlene

Quezon City: A-2 Dona Sotera, Pilarville Subd.,Quezon City c/o Dennis Mariano
41 Milkyway Drive, Blue Ridge B, Quezon City Look for Lily

C1C3 Narra Heights Condominium #28, Mariposa Street, Quezon City (near Camp Crame)

Eastwood area : Unit 5c Eastwood Lafayette Tower 3, Eastwood Avenue Libis Q.C (In front of Watsons, near Mcdonalds) Leave with guard indicate ““Bears for YBHM”

Let us all do our small share to help Northern Mindanao.

Every bear or stuffed toy that arrives matters because it counts towards making one more child happy. To share and to give is the true essence of the season.

A new and soft teddy bear costs about as much as a Starbucks frapuccino or a ticket to the cinema — a small price that will go a long way in bringing back hope and a smile into a child’s life.
May you all be blessed to be a blessing to others.

Dec. 11: Worldwide candle lighting shines for our children

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Although pretty presents under the twinkling lights of Christmas trees are quite exciting, it is the warmth and love of family and friends that make the holiday season so memorable. Yet it can be a painful time for those experiencing the recent loss of a loved one. I don’t know how I lived through the first Christmas without my Luijoe. But it was my two girls who taught me to grieve well. It was clear that Christmas was going to happen, whether I wanted it to or not. It is not the same for other families.

Christmas is indeed the hardest holiday for those that have lost a loved one. Is it because of traditions that mean so much but now lie broken and empty in someone’s bereaved heart? While everyone else is gearing up to celebrate with family and friends, they’re about to face the most family-oriented day with a piece of their heart missing.

A parent said ““You still feel that loneliness, even with so much going on. They’re not there with you, that hole in your heart.”

Anyone who has lost a loved one understand that love does not end in death. Through the years I learned that life can become good once again not when I tried to till up the empty spaces left by loved ones no longer within hug’s reach. I realized that love created new spaces in my heart and expanded the spirit and deepened the joy of simply being alive.

Since 2005, when my friends and I co-founded the Compassionate Friends Philippines, we made it an annual tradition to to honor and remember the children we have lost, provide support to grieving parents and families, especially during the holidays … and give information about resources that are available in our community.

Tonight is the fifth time we organized the Worldwide candlelighting in the Philippines to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As the candles burn down in one time zone, they are lit in the next, creating a 24-hour wave of light that circles the globe. This is a memorial to celebrate our children’s life and to remember them . It is one way to process and a way to get through the holidays. Those holidays are really tough when one has buried a child or a grandchild. Grief is hard work.

“No matter how many people or how- many presents, the pulsating void that seems too large for your heart to hold keeps on drawing your attention back to the child who is missing. As others laugh and play, your thoughts fly away – to Christmases past or a snowy cemetery. Give me a special gift this year.. . let me weep.”

The friendship and understanding of other bereaved parents is one of the most helpful gifts we can give ourselves. Other bereaved parents will let us reminisce of happier Christmases’ past; will allow us to speak our child’s name without hesitation; and will let us cry and not be uncomfortable with our tears.

Tonight is such a comfort. It feels good to be able to share our feelings with someone who understands that, for us, grief does have a place in our holiday. By being a listening ear for them we have given them a gift as well.

I closed the candle lighting memorial by playing this beautiful pure angelic voice of 7 yr old Rhema Marvanne as she sang the “Lord’s Prayer”