16th Worldwide Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting
 Where: Kiosk area of the Church of the Risen Lord,
 Laurel Avenue, UP Campus, QC
 Map : Check this google map:http://goo.gl/maps/fXzmQ
 When Date: Sunday , December 9, 2012
Time: 5:00 to 8:00 PM
Holidays are a season of cheer and happiness for many of us. For others it serves as a constant reminder of their loved ones who are no longer with them.
On the second Sunday of December, parents worldwide join together and light candles for their dead children.
For 12 years, parents gathered on the second Sunday in December in homes, churches, parks and gyms. Sunday night, families all around the world lighted candles at 7 p.m. in remembrance of their beloved children. It has been 4 years for the Compassionate Friends Philippines.
“You wish you could be naive again, go back to your life the way it was,” said Kristy Mueller, who organized the South Bay candle-lighting ceremony in Palos Verdes Estates in the USA.
“But you can’t,” she said. “You don’t get over it. . . . And this is a hard time of the year. When you can’t help but think about what you’re missing.”
For many of bereaved parents, this is a difficult month. Holiday traditions bring families together, but they also spotlight grief and amplify loss.
The company of other parents is part of what made Sunday’s candle-lighting so special.
Our candle lighting ceremony is usually simple with traditional Christmas music being played softly, candlelight videos, poems read , stories of our children shared, candles lit  but it was packed with meaning.
A fellow parent wrote this poignant poem in Tagalog.
Sa Bawat Hakbang
by Vilma Dee
Sisinghap singhap ako’y nagsikap
Upang sa kalaliman ng dagat ako’y umahon
Tila ba sabik sa salubong mong yakap
Tulad ng hamog sa sariwang dahon
Unti-unti mula sa kawalang hanggan
Lagusan ng kamalayan aking narating
Tila ba sabik sa salubong mong yakap
Tulad ng maog sa sariwang dahon
Ano’t nasilaw sa bagong mundo
Sa dating payapa ngayo’y magulo
Tila ba lahat sabik ako’y masdan
Tulad sa hamog ng sariwang dahon
Di malimot unang haplos na iyon
Maipadamang pagmamahal tanging layon
Tula ba lahat sabik ako’y masdan
Tulad ng hamog sa sariwang dahon
Sa unang hakbang kamay mo’y kaagapay
Lahat ng gawin nais mo tayo’y sabay
Tula ba sabik na ako sa iyo’y matulad
Tulad ng paruparo mula sa kanlungan
Kay ganda din pala buhay sa lupa
Nguni’t di singganda ng tahanan ng MANGHUHULMA
Tila ba nagising sa mahabang paghimlay
Tulad ng paruoparo mula sa kanlungan
Sa piling mo nadama ko kaibang pagsinta
Nguni’t di singtulad ng pagibig ng MANLILIKHA
Tila ba nagising sa mahabang paghimlay
Tulad ng paruparo mula sa kanlungan
Iglap lang pala tayo’y magkakasama
Salamat AMA sa maikling magsasadula
Tila ba napagod sa pagsamantalang laya
Ngayo’y bumalik sa IYO puno ng sigla
AKING AMA, ako’y narito na
Dala ang masayang kwento sa lupa
Mula sa pansamantalang laya
ANAK mong ito’y muli kang bibigyang saya
Grief is in the news once again. Once in a blue moon (hopefully not often enough), you may encounter a friend or relative reeling in pain because they lost someone. It can be an awkward situation if you don’t know what to do or not do. There really are no words to convey how sorry you feel or show how you feel. But there are words that can hurt and will not help at all. Having been 7 years with the Compassionate friends , a grief support group…the most common complaint that I hear from bereaved parents is the insensitive comments that they have to hear in the early days of grief.
You have to remember their loss is devastating so the bereaved is a bit more sensitive.
Their grief is so fresh.
The pain is raw.
How does one comfort a newly bereaved parent? One of our mission in The Compassionate Friends is… to provide information to help others be supportive.
Let me give you a few examples of words that don’t help the newly bereaved. A lot have been written about words of comfort from other bereavement sites but others are also culled from experience. A compilation of some hurting words were based on a recent meeting of members of the Compassionate Friends.
It’s God’s will.
( Don’t they understand that I can’t accept this as God’s will? I have so many questions at this point of my grief)
Buti ka pa, may anghel ka na (Good thing you have an angel)
(Don’t they understand that I’d rather have my child with me.)
He’s in a better place.
( This is the better place. With me)
God needed another flower in His garden.
( What about MY garden?!)
She’s better off now/not in any pain
(Don’t they know I remember the pain my child might have suffered before she died?)
Your child wouldn’t want you to be so sad.
( How do you know?)
Magkaanak ka pa ( you will have another child)
(Maybe, but no one can replace my child.)
If there’s anything I can do, let me know.
(Can’t they understand that my mind is so numb I can’t even think of what needs to be done?)
Come on, get over his death already. Hope you get over the pain of his death.
( As if we can close the chapter of a child we loved dearly.)
Bakit malungkot ka pa? Pinaghirpan mo lang sarili mo (Why are you sad? You’re just making it difficult for yourself.)
(uhh… I don’t know … maybe it’s because my child died.)
Of course these wonderful, concerned, well-meaning friends don’t know. They can only guess how the newly bereaved feel. They haven’t personally known (thank God) the disbelief, the shock, the anger of losing a child. Instead of bringing relief, those words just seem to add to the hurt and the grief. There are no words that will make it all right that someone we loved has died. But there are words that can soothe the hurt, ease the loneliness and add to the healing.
Some words that might probably bring comfort are:
“I’m here and I don’t have a clue as to how to help, but I’m here, and together we’ll figure this thing out.”
““I know you must be hurting terribly. You had such a good life together, the pain must be awful. You need to express your anger, your frustration. I know it must be hard for you to believe that God is a loving God who will support you through this horrible tragedy.”
“Grieve well. One day you will cease to remember him with tears and instead remember him with smiles.”
In the end, words don’t take away the pain. It only eases the pain. Let them tell their story . Talk about their child. If they don’t want to talk, it’s alright to just be there. Sometimes saying nothing, giving a hug or holding their hand can bring comfort.
When I was new in my grief, many well meaning friends and relatives advised me this and that. I don’t know who among them suggested the “Healing of the Family Tree” and gave me a prayer. Each night, I was to say this prayer hoping in the belief that the curse of family deaths would end . (My 2 brothers, and a mother died before my son’s death in 2000) . As if we don’t all die.
A part of this prayer goes:
“Heavenly Father, I ask You now to go back though all in my bloodline, my husband’s/wife’s bloodline, and the bloodlines connected to all of my family and relatives and forgive the wrongs, heal the illnesses, bind the evil deeds. I ask You Lord to break the chains, associations and links any of these may have to us here in the present. On their behalf Lord, I seek Your forgiveness, your healing and a pouring out of your Divine Love so that Your Love may now pour forth through the years and touch us in the here and now. So that Your Divine and Healing Love will take the place of all the past hurts, angers, hates, unlove of You, destructive emotions or actions and evil ties of our ancestors. So that Your Precious Blood and Divine Love and Healing will heal us of the residue we carry from our ancestors. In true faith I thank You Lord because You have said ‘Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened to you’. Today Lord I knock, I seek, I ask. All praise and thanks to You my loving Father.”
Now being newly bereaved and distraught, I went along with the idea that my ancestors were so sinful that all these deaths were brought about by their sinful ways…. Yes, it must be a curse, “malas” “karma” or “gaba” until one day, I just had it.
Praying the “Healing of the Family Tree” is the most depressing thing ever. In the first place, before my son died, we underwent a public healing of our family tree at Christ the King Church through our “Couples of Christ” group. We prayed that all the cancers, diabetes , hypertension would not continue on our present generation. Also, we prayed that early death will be spared further in our families.
I believe that our families have patterns of behavior that are passed on from generation to generation. This is especially true for those with genetic predisposition to suicide, alcoholism . Some of these patterns are not coincidences. We are also adversely affected by the sins of parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents, and by the sins of the ancestors who adversely affected them.
Don’t be mistaken, I believe in the Healing of the family tree. What I find truly objectionable in the prayer is guilt feelings that most newly bereaved feels whenever a priest tells them about the “Family Tree”. Also, the prayer is so repititious like all Catholic prayers. Imagine praying that everyday for the rest of your lives. There is no meaning . No substance. We have no control over the sins of our ancestors. We did not cause their sins. A bereaved mother thinks her great grandfather who was a priest might have been the root cause for her son’s death. Another bereaved mother attributes the death of her daughter because her marriage was not blessed in Church. Is God truly vengeful? Why are others spared? We cannot cure the sins of our ancestors but we can truly change ourselves.
We heal our family trees primarily by changing ourselves to be better persons, even much better than our ancestors could ever be. We heal our family trees by taking care of our health so our predisposition to certain genetic diseaes will be curtailed. We heal our family trees by receiving a new nature through total commitment to God . Secondly, we heal our family trees by repentance and healing. The change starts in us. Healing starts in us. It’s time to stop looking back at the past and move forward now.
Filipinos are mourning the loss of the Comedy King, the artist that made them laugh and lightened the day. My friend Samira says it so well ” Comedy brings us together. For an hour or so, we are transported into a make-believe zone where our everyday life is made fun about. We can actually laugh at ourselves and draw lessons from them.” Dolphy was so much a part of Filipino families for decades. When news of his death came out, no one wanted to believe it right away since it was not announced by a family member in social media.
Words of sympathy, feelings of loss were soon tweeted. One that caught the ire of the tweeps came from @ILoveJamich
Kasabay ng monthsary namin ay pumanaw na ang hari ng komedya 🙁 RIP Dolphy #Legendary #KingOfComedy
I didn’t know who Jamich was until I was told they were a youtube sensation. Clueless me didn’t know they won the #TattAwards and to think I was there that night.
Most of the reactions were anger towards their insensitivity. Their fans think there was nothing wrong with their tweet.
As an advocate on grief education, the tweet was insensitive to those mourning the loss. That single tweet felt like they were taking the solemnity and grief over the death of the Comedy king lightly. It felt like it trivialized the grief of others. The monthsary really had no place in that one tweet.
In times like these, words of comfort are all that will make it right. If there are no words, just “I am sorry” with a virtual “hug” will do. Perhaps @IloveJamich did not mean to hurt but they also need to understand why it didn’t come across well. Declaring monthsary and condolences in one tweet is just not appropriate.
Calling them out is the best way to make them understand not to do it again. Considering their fame, more attention is given to their tweets. We all learn from this not just @ILoveJamich
Why was their tweet insensitive?
In most of my meetings with the bereaved at the Compassionate Friends, a common complaint is the insensitivity of concerned friends or relatives. Of course, we know the depth of concern they have towards us but in their enthusiasm, they blurt out the most insensitive remarks.
Fans of Dolphy are also in grief and feel the same concern as the family.
It is understandable that the newly bereaved and even Dolphy fans are very sensitive to these remarks. Instead of bringing relief, those words just seem to add to the hurt and the grief. There are no words that will make it all right that someone we loved has died. But there are ways that can soothe the hurt, ease the loneliness and add to the healing.
Some think it is an over reaction
True, some tweets could be an over reaction but the grieving process is not the same for all. Just like each of us have a unique thumb print, each person grieve differently. So while some did not think nothing wrong of @IloveJamich tweet, others found it insensitive. Looking at the tweets, majority found @ILoveJamich tweets offensive.
1. DO feel free to touch , to hug and cry with them if these expressions are appropriate to your relationship. Tell them that you care about their pain and that you are sorry their loved one died. Avoid using I know how you feel, it’s God’s plan or God needed another angel. A simple hug can say more than a thousand words.
In social media, one can do it via a virtual hug or touch.
While some thought @IloveJamich was insensitive, the reaction of anger is part of the grief.
3. DO show your concern. Be there over the months on a regular basis. Allow them to tell you how they feel, and listen when they tell you. If you know a certain time of day is particularly difficult, do try to plan your visits to coincide with that time.
While this can’t be done on Twitter, it is alright to say that your thoughts are with the family and those fans who grieve along. One should not minimize the loss even if you don’t feel the same intensity of grief.
4. DO mention their loved one by name. It is comforting for the bereaved to know that others remember their loved one, too. Some people avoid mentioning the loved one’s name for fear it will trigger them of their loss. If tears come, then they needed to cry, and the tears may be tears of gratitude that you have given them the opportunity to share their loved one with you. If you have a good memory of their loved one, do share it. It will make their day and gives so much comfort.
That is why tributes are well accepted. It is comforting. So instead of saying the monthsary fell on the same date, one could just deliver a good anecdote to commemorate the Comedy King.
5. DO know that it is difficult for the newly bereaved to reach out to you for help. When you offer help, be specific. For example, you want to take them out for a ride, set a time and date. Make the effort to call, to come by, to help them out six months and even a year down the road. Crowds may be difficult for them. Shopping and holidays will be overwhelming. Offer your help.
If you are close to Mang Dolphy, any help is comforting as long as it is specific and not a general statement.
I regret being unable to join my good friend Noemi Dado on this extremely happy occasion. She and her husband are the best kind of friends any writer can ask for. She can agree to disagree and can find the whole path where neither integrity nor civility ends up being compromised.
I don’t know how Noemi gets her energy but it is amazing. So is her level of achievement. She takes teasing with aplomb and finds ways to do more and more without sacrificing family or friendship.
This Momblogger is a walking typing talking institution. Long may she remain so. Read her, learn from her, debate with her: enjoy her work as she enjoys learning and sharing with the world.
Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak. Whispers the oe’r
fraught heart and bids it break. ~William Shakespeare
Picking up the pieces
As we as a nation try to salvage what bit of dignity of we can still salvage on the failed operation of the police, the failure of the government of Noynoy Aquino and the wanton disregard of some irresponsible members of the media for the safety of the hostages, we should also examine how we as Filipinos dealt with the situation and conducted ourselves. Yes, the incompetence of the police, corruption and government and perhaps the arrogant demeanor of some media outfits are so routine to us that we’ve accepted them as a fact of life and part and parcel of being Filipino but at the end of the day, we must not allow these so-called realities cloud our ability to feel compassion – and more importantly to show this feeling of sadness and grief outwardly to those who are really hurting.
““Poetry is about the grief. Politics is about the grievance.” Robert Frost
It was a wonderful morning when I wobbled over to the Director’s office at the UP Institute of Small Scale Industries (UP-ISSI). The month of January 1986 was just a few months before I gave birth to my eldest girl, Lauren and I was always in high spirits. I thought the new director just wanted to talk business. Meet and greet each other formally. It looked like he had great plans for UP-ISSI which didn’t include me. The new director informed me that my contract will be terminated. (UP then was in freeze hiring so I was always under a contract). Part of me died with the notice. I was angry, depressed, confused, hurt, and worried. I was so bitter and angry at the new director because I was passionate and competent in my job in research and consultancy. Sometimes I think he just terminated me because I was hired by the past director. I didn’t believe there was shortage of funds because I was hired through a foundation of the institute. I had high hopes about going back to work but they never hired me back. It was really a devastating loss. It wasn’t even the financial aspect that made me feel bad. The research and consultancy work served as part of my identity, a place to use my skills and talents and watch them build over time as I believed I became more competent at them. I went through the grief process of anger, denial, barganing in that roller coaster ride and finally accepting the loss.
I guess there is a silver lining to all this. I became a full-time mother devoted to bringing up my children. If I continued on with my work at UP-ISSI, I would have been such a workaholic with little time for my growing kids.
When someone talks about grief, it is often associated with a death of a loved one. When I started this blog, I talked of my grief journey after my son’s death. There are other areas of life in which loss results in grief that is just as real. One of these is being experienced more and more often due to the current trend of companies to ““down-size.”
Wasn’t it just 10 years that I last hugged my beautiful boy on a breezy, sunny day at the beach? Though the searing pain in my heart is not as sore as it once was 10 years ago, the scab sorts of falls off on anniversary dates. Luijoe should have been 16 years old today. I created this video tribute of his life and last birthday celebration 10 years ago when he was just a cute 6 year old boy.
I often wonder how he would look like today. Would he have been taller than my husband? Would he have the same gleaming smile? Would he have many girlfriends? Would he be close to his two sisters? Would he have a messy room? Will he still give me a bunch of flowers with an “I love you” note? I can’t imagine because I will always remember him as an innocent and beautiful 6 year old boy whose death changed my life in positive ways I never could imagine.
“Ever since I was born, Daddy has been the best father you could ever imagine. And I just wanted to say I love him  so much.”  Jackson’s daughter, Paris-Michael, who broke down in tears.”
Photo Credit via cnn.com
I gaze at the TV as I see the casket of Michael Jackson as it is being wheeled out of Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Hollywood Hills en route to the Public Memorial at Staples Center. Bedtime beckons me but there is one part of me that wants to watch the live coverage of Michael Jackson Memorial . To keep myself awake, I will write about the creative use of grief.
I know not all of you are Michael Jackson fans but I am a Michael Jackson fan so excuse me for blabbing away. Yes, he might not be a family member and my grief is so negligible compared to the devastating loss his family is experiencing. Nevertheless, grief is an emotion. We all had lost someone dear to us and even if the person is not a family member, the grief experience is very real. I established a connection with him through his music during my teen years in the seventies. I bet most fans feel the same way. No wonder you see the outpouring of grief. His music just touched their lives as it did mine in those crucial teen years.
