#RIPDolphy and learning about grief from the tweets of @ilovejamich

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Filipinos are mourning the loss of the Comedy King, the artist that made them laugh and lightened the day. My friend Samira says it so well ” Comedy brings us together. For an hour or so, we are transported into a make-believe zone where our everyday life is made fun about. We can actually laugh at ourselves and draw lessons from them.” Dolphy was so much a part of Filipino families for decades. When news of his death came out, no one wanted to believe it right away since it was not announced by a family member in social media.

Words of sympathy, feelings of loss were soon tweeted. One that caught the ire of the tweeps came from @ILoveJamich

Kasabay ng monthsary namin ay pumanaw na ang hari ng komedya 🙁 RIP Dolphy #Legendary #KingOfComedy

I didn’t know who Jamich was until I was told they were a youtube sensation. Clueless me didn’t know they won the #TattAwards and to think I was there that night.

Most of the reactions were anger towards their insensitivity. Their fans think there was nothing wrong with their tweet.

As an advocate on grief education, the tweet was insensitive to those mourning the loss. That single tweet felt like they were taking the solemnity and grief over the death of the Comedy king lightly. It felt like it trivialized the grief of others. The monthsary really had no place in that one tweet.

In times like these, words of comfort are all that will make it right. If there are no words, just “I am sorry” with a virtual “hug” will do. Perhaps @IloveJamich did not mean to hurt but they also need to understand why it didn’t come across well. Declaring monthsary and condolences in one tweet is just not appropriate.

Calling them out is the best way to make them understand not to do it again. Considering their fame, more attention is given to their tweets. We all learn from this not just @ILoveJamich

Why was their tweet insensitive?

In most of my meetings with the bereaved at the Compassionate Friends, a common complaint is the insensitivity of concerned friends or relatives. Of course, we know the depth of concern they have towards us but in their enthusiasm, they blurt out the most insensitive remarks.

Fans of Dolphy are also in grief and feel the same concern as the family.

It is understandable that the newly bereaved and even Dolphy fans are very sensitive to these remarks. Instead of bringing relief, those words just seem to add to the hurt and the grief. There are no words that will make it all right that someone we loved has died. But there are ways that can soothe the hurt, ease the loneliness and add to the healing.

Some think it is an over reaction

True, some tweets could be an over reaction but the grieving process is not the same for all. Just like each of us have a unique thumb print, each person grieve differently. So while some did not think nothing wrong of @IloveJamich tweet, others found it insensitive. Looking at the tweets, majority found @ILoveJamich tweets offensive.

Some ways to comfort the bereaved

Though this remark was in Twitter, it pays to know some ways to comfort. You can also check Words to comfort and compiled at The Compassionate Friends

1. DO feel free to touch , to hug and cry with them if these expressions are appropriate to your relationship. Tell them that you care about their pain and that you are sorry their loved one died. Avoid using I know how you feel, it’s God’s plan or God needed another angel. A simple hug can say more than a thousand words.

In social media, one can do it via a virtual hug or touch.

2. DO allow the grieving friend or relative to express their feelings, if they express that need. The pain involved in letting go, the anger, frustration and guilt are all a part of the normal grieving process, leaving them empty and without purpose for a long time. Allow them to tell you how they feel. Don’t tell them how you think they should feel. They just need you to listen. You aren’t expected to be able to take away the hurt or to have all the answers. Be careful of clichés, religious platitudes, or easy answers.

While some thought @IloveJamich was insensitive, the reaction of anger is part of the grief.

3. DO show your concern. Be there over the months on a regular basis. Allow them to tell you how they feel, and listen when they tell you. If you know a certain time of day is particularly difficult, do try to plan your visits to coincide with that time.

While this can’t be done on Twitter, it is alright to say that your thoughts are with the family and those fans who grieve along. One should not minimize the loss even if you don’t feel the same intensity of grief.

4. DO mention their loved one by name. It is comforting for the bereaved to know that others remember their loved one, too. Some people avoid mentioning the loved one’s name for fear it will trigger them of their loss. If tears come, then they needed to cry, and the tears may be tears of gratitude that you have given them the opportunity to share their loved one with you. If you have a good memory of their loved one, do share it. It will make their day and gives so much comfort.

That is why tributes are well accepted. It is comforting. So instead of saying the monthsary fell on the same date, one could just deliver a good anecdote to commemorate the Comedy King.

5. DO know that it is difficult for the newly bereaved to reach out to you for help. When you offer help, be specific. For example, you want to take them out for a ride, set a time and date. Make the effort to call, to come by, to help them out six months and even a year down the road. Crowds may be difficult for them. Shopping and holidays will be overwhelming. Offer your help.

If you are close to Mang Dolphy, any help is comforting as long as it is specific and not a general statement.

(For more information on how to help , here are some articles I’ve compiled on Helping Bereaved Family members.)

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Here are the reactions from Twitter:

Photo via thankfulfor.wordpress.com

Good-bye Mang Dolphy, the Comedy King

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““They say love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies.” ~ William Penn

I grew up with the Puruntong-Jones family in my teens, laughing my head off during the darkest years of Martial Law. A few minutes of laughter can really lift one’s mood. Though just a teen, I was very much aware of the political condition but I refused to dampen my spirits. From Mang John Puruntong, Kevin Kosme, Pacifica Palayfay , watching comedy shows was a diversion from my troubled thoughts. Laughter does help relieve stress. I carry laughter with me wherever I go.

Tonight, the sad news of a man who brought laughter into our household passed away at 8:34 PM. The Comedy King Dolphy died at the age of 83. I knew Dolphy suffered pneumonia for last couple of months. No matter how much one is prepared for the death of a loved one, it still hits hard. The pain that comes along with the grief starts crushing to the core is just excruciating.

My condolences to the Quizon family.

There are just no words of comfort to console you right now but the Filipino people who have been warmed by his comedy are grieving with you. We pray the love of God enfolds you during your difficult times and helps you heal with the passage of time.

The time will come when the pain will not be so bad that his memory will once again bring a smile to your lips. What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us. And you should always know, wherever you may go, no matter where you are, Mang Dolphy will never be far away.

As I always say over and over again, my loved ones are always in my heart. They are alive in my heart and my memories.

““To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.” ~Thomas Campbell

May the peace which comes from the memories of love shared, comfort you now and in the days ahead.

Photo via Inquirer

Dedma or Dead Malice

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I had a falling out with two friends a year ago. It doesn’t matter who they are. It started because I felt the need to confront them about their accusations on a certain issue
. But no, they refused confrontation and eventually distanced themselves from me.

I grew up in an environment where direct communication is important. I feel safe around direct, honest people. They speak their minds, and we know where we stand with them. The problem with non-confrontational people are they want us to speak in circles before getting to the point. Perhaps, I am not an acrobat of words but going straight to the point comes out rude and disrespectful to them.

Just recently, I met up with these friends. Funny how time heal wounds. Perhaps because I busied myself with pertinent matters instead of delving in those issues. Perhaps because I stopped gossip from entering my life. We talked animatedly as if nothing happened. Dedma? I think so.

Dedma is the attenuated form of the English words dead malice. Dead malice, in turn, is the literal translation of the Tagalog expression, patay malisya. It is conjugated thus: dedma, dinedma, dededmahin.

Source: Dedma 101

For the sake of diplomatic relations , I practice dedma. Is it being a hypocrite? Let’s look at the definition of dedma

1) To completely ignore/feign ignorance of the existence/presence of someone/something.
2) To snub, reject, or toss in the trash.
3) To pretend deafness or blindness in order to escape a sticky situation.

Definition 1 is more appropriate to my case. There are occasions when the best way to deal with a problem is to pretend it doesn’t exist. On such occasions the practical thing is to practice the art of dedma. I believe it is an effective tool when one wants to preserve family peace. I’ve always believed that we can’t change people, places and our past but we can change our attitude. My attitude is to acknowledge that they will refuse confrontation or discussion but I will just learn to live with it.

Just the same, it helps if people are a bit more direct. Indirect people , people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they’re feeling cannot really be trusted. We don’t know what’s ticking in their minds. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. It may catch us all by surprise. Directness saves time and energy. It lets go of martyrdom and silly mind games. It creates respectful relationships.

It feels safe to be around direct honest people. But if not, practice dedma.

What about you? Did the art of dedma ever help you in a sticky situation?

Grief gives back

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It has been a while. In my dreams, I wept that it woke me up still in tears. I forgot my dream now but I remember Luijoe, my beloved son was in it. Then it occurred to me, today is his 12th Angel year. It has been 12 long years. Imagine, I lived through those years. When my grief was so fresh, the wound was so deep , my heart so broken , I felt I fell into the deepest virtual pit in my mind.

It took me nearly five years before I emerged from that deep dark, cold pit . But now, when something triggers the memory of my son enough to make me cry, I find it comforting. It tells me that time is a measureless dimension in which my son and I are always part of each other.

Indeed, death took away my beloved son. That’s all there is to it. But grief gives back. Looking back at the past 12 years , I was not simply eroded by pain. I became more attuned to my emotions.. more aware, more compassionate, and more able to help others.

Grief is powerful alchemy. It plunges us into sorrow and forces us to face the finiteness of life, the mightiness of death, and the meaning of our existence on this earth. It does more than enable us to change; it demands it.

The way we change is up to you, and it is possible to be forever bowed by grief. But it is also possible to be enlarged, to find new direction, and to allow the memory of the beloved person we have lost to live on within us, not as a monument to misery but as a source of strength, love, and inspiration. By acting on our grief, we can eventually find ourselves a place of peace and purposefulness.

It is my belief that all grievers, no matter how intense their pain, no matter how rough the terrain across which they must travel…can eventually find that place within their hearts.

Today, I am very much aware Luijoe lives in my heart

Our souls entwined

communicating everyday.

Everything I had with Luijoe when he was alive still lives in me. He lives in every word and action I do for the rest of my life.

Loving yourself first

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I believe it is really important to love ourselves first. To love others, we must first learn to love ourselves. For Women’s day, let’s devote it to ME first so I ‘d like to share some quotes on loving yourself first.

There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame that heats our soul, energizes our spirit, and supplies passion to our lives.”
– Elisabeth Kubler Ross

““Something inside you emerges.an innate, indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness. It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence. It is what you had been looking for in the love object. It is yourself.”
– Eckhart Tolle

““Find the love you seek, by first finding the love within yourself. Learn to rest in that place within you that is your true home.”
– Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

““Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.
– Louise L. Hay.

““You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.”
– Wayne Dyer

““If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you’ll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself.”
– Barbara De Angelis

““The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.”
– Sonya Friedman

““A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world. Everyone you meet is your mirror.”
– Ken Keyes

““You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
– Buddha

So what are some things you can do to love yourself?

Gratitude is the first step to loving yourself. Start by thanking the people that mean a lot to you. But what things can you do today to take care of yourself?

1. My favorite is always going to the salon and pamper my feet with a rejuvenating pedicure or add eyelash extensions. I also enjoy the spa and having facials.

2. Indulge in a sweet treat like an ice cream bar (well perhaps once a month).

3. Buy a bouquet of flowers to brighten up your home.

4. Remember the special people in your life such as your friend from your youth. Have lunch with that person. The laughter and special memories are very uplifting.

5. Try something new. Start another blog. Take language lessons. Draw. Paint. Run.

6. Take a long nap. Enough rest works to improve problem-solving and creativity. Love your body by giving it the care it needs and it deserves.

And most of all, look at the mirror, smile and affirm that, that you are love and accept yourself as you are.

The only love you should be looking for is the one inside you.

Not a decision of men. In the end, God will decide

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“In the end, dear friend, it is always between us and God, not between us and them.” Mother Teresa

Pain has been a great teacher. I guess I can relate to pain of others. Losing my precious son, my mother , father and two siblings opens my heart to others in similar pain. Last wednesday , I arranged a meeting with Chief Justice Renato Corona and Blog Watch. Many things have been said about this man. Mostly horrible things. I wanted to know what he was like. CJ Corona does not appear charismatic in his public appearances. Perhaps that should be the case because he is not an elected official. A friend thinks that CJ Corona ” acts and speaks like a chief justice should – with utmost respectability and decorum after all, he is NOT a politician, concerned about “facade” or image.”

Talking to him offered me a glimpse of a mild-mannered man with soft spoken voice, but hurting from the demolition attacks from various interest groups. When asked how he felt from all these attacks, he said

““Nasaktan ang pamilya ko. Tao lang kami. Hindi ito madali. We are just human beings. We were insulted. Nilait kami on TV, on radio, in the papers. We were demonized. We were called names. My wife was demonized and we do not deserve this.”

My heart fell. Here was a man vilified by the Court of Public Opinion. How does he cope?

““Napalapit kami sa Dyos. We used to pray individually. I have become spiritual.”

Prayer was something that they used to do as a family but as the children got older, the practice soon fell through. Their US-based daughter joins the family prayer via Facetime. A priest advised him that to be blessed by God, one must learn to forgive. It must be difficult forgiving those that besmirched your private life and the family.

I believe in prayer. It’s the best way we have to draw strength from God. I also know how it is to turn to God when things are beyond our control. I have been there, helpless with the grief engulfing my life. Lifting the pain to God makes one feel the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders. Turning our worries into prayer works, but we must leave it in God’s lap and refuse to allow it to plague our minds. When things happen to me that are out of our control I try not to worry about it excessively, instead I offer my worries to God and trust that He will make things better for me.

This time around, I see Corona and his family are hurting from all the mud thrown about their private life , ““rather than a process to determine his guilt or innocence based on due process according to the rules of court.”

In those two hours I spent time with him, I was visibly moved with his sincerity that I almost teared. How could these unseen forces judge him when he has yet to present evidence? The horrible things said of Corona will have its day in the Senate Impeachment Court. Innocent until proven guilty. I just do not feel any bad vibes from this man. Now I understand the reasons why employees of the Supreme Court defend their Chief Justice. CJ Corona is highly likable person. I even met his wife , son and eldest daughter before the meeting and were all gracious and easy to talk to.

I am not saying CJ Corona is innocent. Let’s distinguish between Corona the person and Corona , the public servant here. It is not my place to ascertain if he is guilty of the Articles of Impeachment. That is the job of the Senate Impeachment Court.

Whether the Senate Impeachment Court delivers a verdict of acquittal or conviction, CJ Corona will accept it. He said, this is not a decision of men. In the end, he says ““God will decide.”

(Hope you read the posts written by other bloggers who got to talk with Chief Justice Renato Corona)

The movie “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close”, about loss, coping and illumination

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“What if?” “If only…” and “Why Me?” are words that ring true when faced with unimaginable loss.

A traumatic death shatters the world. It is often a loss that does not make sense. Life is not always fair and that sometimes bad things happen to good people. The sudden death leaves us feeling shaken, unsure and vulnerable. Losing someone you love is not an easy journey. Each one will surely face its own grief journey in their own unique way.

My husband and I watched “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” yesterday because we know it deals about death. Anyone that is faced with devastating loss can relate to lost souls who are in a process of traumatic recovery. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close tells the unflinching story of a boy trying to make sense of the world after his father perishes in 9/11.

After a year of his father’s death from 9/11, eleven year old Oskar ventures to his father’s closet and finds a key in a small brown envelope labeled “Black” within the blue vase. The boy, who shakes a tambourine to calm himself embarks on a “reconnaissance expedition” in which he contacts every single person named Black in New York’s five boroughs. It is not mere trivia Oskar yearns to conquer but inside, it is the quest to find the meaning of life (and death) itself. He goes on a relentless quest to open a lock that he believes will reveal a message from his father that will help him make sense of a senseless world.

While this story is about the unimaginable loss as 9/11, it made me think about my own loss in life…the death of my mother, my two brothers, my precious 6 year old son, then my father. All five family members.

How does one make sense about the death of a loved one? In the process of seeking the answers, the search for meaning of the loss can challenge a survivor’s religious and spiritual beliefs. Survivors are forced to look at and re-evaluate life priorities. I feel the pain of Oskar’s frustration in trying to reconnect with his dead father.

Trying to make sense of or understand sudden losses can be difficult. Survivors are left asking “Why?” “Why did this happen?” Yet events such as the September 11, 2001 tragedy were beyond anyone’s control; they are a sudden, unexplainable loss.

It is human nature to want to answer the question “Why?” yet it may be difficult if not impossible to find an answer. Instead the question “Why?” is more of a plea for meaning and understanding. The thoughts of Rabbi Earl Grollman provide a useful perspective for coping with this difficult question:

Now death has shaken your faith, “Why?” “Why must life be one of sorrow?” “Why?” There are no pat answers. No one completely understands the mystery of death. Even if the question were answered, Would your pain be eased, your loneliness less terrible?

“Why” may be more than a question. It may be an agonizing cry for a heart-breaking loss, an expression of distress, disappointment, bewilderment, alienation, and betrayal. There is no answer that bridges the chasm of irreparable separation. There is no satisfactory response for an unresolvable dilemma. Not all questions have complete answers. Unanswered “Why’s” are part of life. The search may continue but the real question might be “How [do I] pick up the pieces and go on living as meaningful as possible?”

One day, we find out there is no use making sense of death but there is hope in making sense of our life. It is best ask to “What can I do about it now?” “How can I help?” or “How do I pick up the pieces and go on living as meaningful as possible?”

All of these thoughts came back to me as I watched this film. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, the movie is a wonderful and moving story about coping the death of a loved one.

I thank God for my family

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Shielding myself from the scorching sun, I clutched on to my umbrella and looked down towards the smooth bermuda grass. My eyes linger to the engraved markings staring back at me , “Luijoe, my angel”.

“Mom are those weeds?” a daughter pointed to the tiny yellow flowers dotted at the top of his tombstone.

“I planted those so Luijoe will always have flowers cradled around his resting place”, I explained.

My husband knelt down and laid down a vase of mums as my other daughter carried another umbrella to shield him from the sun. We all stood there staring at the flowers and I couldn’t help feeling proud, “this is my family”. I took my iPhone and took a snapshot. Four pairs of feet beside Luijoe’s tombstone.

I felt a tug in my heart and wondered why I felt this way. It’s been 11 years after all. It must be a trigger. I was getting sentimental that my daughter would soon be leaving for Australia the next day. Or perhaps the stressful political conditions in the country must also be getting to me.

The words echoed inside my mind, “still a family” as we inched closer together and prayed, “Thank you God for family.”

I know that death ended Luijoe’s life but not his relationship to my family. He will always be our precious son. The difference is I gave up the old person who was physically connected to a now deceased Luijoe and made a spiritual connection with my child who died. True, my second daughter will not be with us for a year but I know we will always be connected, thanks to the internet.

It is with a sense of gratitude knowing my family will always be with me wherever they may be. I am thankful for their support in understanding the work that I do. During challenging moments, it is my family who stands by me.

No accusations of “you are pro-Corona, pro-GMA, anti-Noynoy” or “funded to support the RH Bill” or “someone is using you” or “influencing your choices”. Some of my friends disappoint me at times.

Next to God, my family knows what is in my heart. Searching for truth and justice is not being a pro-anyone but merely fighting for what I believe is right. After all, didn’t God give us the gifts of the Holy Spirit to know the difference between right and wrong, and to choose to do what is right? Life is too short to dwell on negativity.

My life in this mortal world is temporary and I might as well make the most of it by focusing on meaningful work, contributing value to society, sharing joyful experiences with my loved ones, and remembering to slow down to savor the precious moments.

Luijoe, my angel reminds me the temporariness of life and to live more fully in the precious moments I am blessed with.

The hot sun rises and the grass withers; the little flower droops and falls, and its beauty fades away. In the same way, the rich will fade away with all of their achievements. James 1:11

Greatest Love of All popularized by Whitney Houston

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“I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside.”

Whitney Houston was pronounced dead at 3:55 p.m. (6:55 p.m. ET) Saturday at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, California.

It is such devastating news to her fans. Indeed she was such an amazing talent. Her influence can be heard on a generation of young singers who cite her as an inspiration, from Mariah Carey, Brandy and Monica to Christina Aguilera and Beyonce.

“She had the perfect voice, and the perfect image: a gorgeous singer who had sex appeal but was never overtly sexual, who maintained perfect poise.”

The cause of her death is still unknown.

Towards the end of her career she was known to be a drug user. Her album sales dropped. “Her once serene image was shattered by a wild demeanor and bizarre public appearances. She confessed to abusing cocaine, marijuana and pills, and her once pristine voice became raspy and hoarse, unable to hit the high notes as she had during her prime.”

I will never forget this memorable song as its lyrics ring true to me. The “Greatest love of all” was the lullaby song I crooned to my babies twenty something years ago to make them fall asleep.

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be
Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me

[Chorus:]
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can’t take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

When an alleged rape slay is not just a news item

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A rape victim describes it…as ” something that happens to other people. We read about it in the newspaper, see reports of it on the TV, but once read or seen we move onto the next item of news. We dismiss it, forget about it. Yes, at the time of reading it or seeing it we may think “oh how awful” or “poor thing” but because it isn’t happening to us we can’t even begin to understand how it must affect someone’s else’s life, so it is easier to just dismiss it as just another tragic event. It happens.”

It happened to an extended family member.

ACV (let’s call her ACV), the wife of my nephew (the son of my paternal first cousin) is beautiful. Being sweethearts for three years, they decided to get married last year. Now with a two month old baby, they moved to a new place in San Pablo on January 1 this year. The year must be so promising as they chose January 1 as the move-in date. The transfer made sense since it is closer to their work. On their second day, A went outside their subdivision to buy cellphone load . It was only 8:00 PM. My nephew got worried when his wife did not return home. He could not leave their two-month old baby so called my uncle and aunt to help look for his wife. They arrived at 1:00 AM and started their search.

At 7:00 AM, my cousin (the uncle of my nephew) found A’s naked body in a vacant lot just 10 steps away from their home. I cannot begin to imagine the horror on my relatives’ faces.

Reading the news in the Inquirer website is even surreal. Rape is something I only watch on TV or read in the news.


“CAMP PACIANO RIZAL, Laguna, Philippines’ woman was found dead in a vacant lot in San Pablo City, Laguna, the police said Wednesday.

In a phone interview, De Castro said …. was last seen Monday evening when she left their apartment in Green Valley Subdivision in Barangay San Francisco to buy load credits for her cell phone.

At around 7 a.m. on Tuesday, a relative found the victim’s body dumped in a vacant lot inside the subdivision.

De Castro said … body bore bruises in the chest and head which may have been inflicted using a blunt object.

He said the victim was also found naked, leading police to suspect she was raped…

Police were conducting an investigation to find a suspect in the killing.”

I visited ACV yesterday. Speechless. Devastated. Horrified. No words.

Her chest bones were broken and her death was caused by the internal injuries. The criminals meant to kill her. I think two criminals were involved here.

In Philippine society, rape is a heinous crime but only punishable by reclusion perpetua, and not life imprisonment. Reclusion perpetua is prison for 20 to 40 years. There are still no suspects but A’s father told me they will certainly pursue a case.

Will ACV ever get justice? Will she be another statistic of unresolved crimes?

I will see what I can do to help. This blog post is a start.