Unspeakable grief : The death of a child #JusticeForKian

by ⋅ Leave a Comment

The most unspeakable grief is losing a child, a death of a child… and what more to allegations that Kian Loyd Delos Santos “died amid allegations that he was framed by three police officers”. The police said Kian fought back which prompted the police to shoot him back. CCTV footage shows otherwise. How could Kian pull out a gun from his gartered shorts ? The police should have frisked the boy first before dragging him away. It is unbelievable. If this won’t outrage you , nothing will.

unspeakable grief kian death

When the unthinkable and the unspeakable happens like the death of a child especially one that has been killed in the custody of the police, who wouldn’t feel outraged by it all ? Yes , the death of any child killed under horrendous circumstances must be condemned. And to those saying there should be just as much outrage over the death of child from drug addicts…well, excuse me, I have written about death of a child under any circumstances in this blog and place them under the “Grief in the News” category.

The death of a child under police custody caused a huge  outrage because the police is supposed to protect our children. Is this what the police means on its motto to “serve & protect” the people?

Take note, 31 children have been killed so far amid the government’s war on drugs.

Imagine the grief of the mother. They will not be able to bring back their child but they can certainly look forward to filing a case. The father of Kian says even if they won’t win the case, they want to seek justice.

Imagine if Kian is your child or your friend’s child.

Anak natin sila. Betty adds : “And how we treat them–how we stand up for them, or not, may very well determine our future as a nation.”

I have not seen so much outrage. Will this now translate into action? My friend Inday says this is what we can do.

The survivors, the families of the fallen, do not need our pity. They need our empathy. They need our rage.They are us. Mother and father, brother and sister, son and daughter, friend and lover.Their fight is our fight.

We don’t fight to dispense charity. We fight for our future.
There, on the mean streets and the pockmarked trails, they need us.
We need THEM. They are the spark to conscience.
Small huddles and big rallies; home visits or funeral vigils; the painting of schools or the staging to protest art exhibits.
The ways of protest are many.
But we must start NOW.

Two days after Kian’s death, there is more outrage on social media.

Nothing can bring Kian back to his parents but justice over their son’s death will save the future lives of your children. How many more precious lives does our country have to lose on a War On Drugs that is implemented wrongly?

Love your Inner Child

by ⋅ 5 Comments

So, like a forgotten fire, a childhood can always flare up again within us. ~Gaston Bachelard

nurture-inner-child
Photo credit: mindbodysmile.com
A young blogger once asked me “what should I settle now before I get married?”

My answer to similar questions is this: release hurts of the past and love your inner child. I told her to resolve and release hurts of the past especially unresolved issues with parents…it is important to nurture one’s inner child even until our adult life.

No matter how old you are, a little child lives within who needs love and acceptance. My mother died just before I turned twenty years old and I was never able to let go of my hurts until much later in life when I thought I had breast cancer. While waiting for my surgery in 1996, I felt the fear and anxiety that mom had to go through with her breast cancer. I told mom in my heart that I forgave her for all the hurts that she inflicted upon me and sought the same forgiveness for anything that I had caused to hurt her. The tears just fell and I felt a baggage unload from my heart.

I understood much later in life that unresolved hurts tend to haunt you back in future relationships. Reflecting down memory lane, I think I was attracted to my ex-boyfriend because his personality somehow resembled my mother. My mother was difficult, emotional and hot-tempered. Of course, I didn’t want a difficult husband but unconsciously I ended up with one, at least in the first few years of our married life.

See, my mother rarely praised me or validated my self-worth. She wasn’t even loving or at least she was not demonstrative with her love except to our youngest brother. Instead, she continually criticized and berated me and even indulged in slapping and pinching even if I was already in high school. She didn’t know any better too. I found it difficult to understand why she was so mean to me. Now that I am an adult, I know it was not about me. She had problems but turned her ire on my siblings and myself.

innerchild-image
(Photo credit: Edgarandallenpoe.com)

I learned the art of loving my inner child after I realized that there were many aspects that were left unresolved. As a child, when something went wrong, I believed that there was something wrong with me. Soon the idea came that if I could only do it right, then mom would love me, and she wouldn’t punish me. Since I was only a child, I thought parents were supposed to do that. In time, I believed I was never good enough. Sadly, it was only after my mom’s death that I blossomed under the love of my dad who was a silent parent when mom was alive.

Without a mom and far away from my dad (since I became independent after college), I learned to summon my the parent inside me. True, there is a parent inside each of us, as well as a child. Louise Hay explains :

And most of the time, the parent scolds the child almost nonstop! If we listen to our inner dialogue, we can hear the scolding. We can hear the parent tell the child what it is doing wrong or how it is not good enough. We need to allow our parent to become more nurturing to our child.

I have found that working with the inner child is most valuable in helping to heal the hurts of the past. At this point in our lives, right now, we need to begin to make ourselves whole and accept every part of who we are. We need to communicate with our inner child and let it know that we accept the part that did all the stupid things, the part that was funny looking, the part that was scared, the part that was very foolish and silly,every single part of ourselves.

Love is the greatest healing power I know. Love can heal even the deepest and most painful memories because love brings the light of understanding to the dark corners of our mind. No matter how painful our early childhood was, loving our inner child now will help us to heal it. In the privacy of our own minds we can make new choices and think new thoughts. Thoughts of forgiveness and love for our inner child will open pathways, and the Universe will support us in our efforts.

bpdinnerchild
(Photo credit: Phoenixrisingpublications.ca

It was through forgiving my mother that I was able to unburden the past and move forward as a parent to my children and as a loving wife to my husband.

If you’re a woman, no matter how self-reliant you are, there is a little girl who’s very tender inside you that needs help. If you’re a man, no matter how macho you are, a little boy inside you craves warmth and affection.

As I said earlier, if you plan to settle down, resolve the conflicts of the past. Learn to forgive yourself and the one who hurt you. Continue to nurture and love yourself.

These days, I embrace my inner child by treating myself once in a while to fun events, ice cream, candy or a new toy (er gadget). I allow myself to laugh and play more.

Use the affirmation: I am perfect, whole, and complete, just as I am. The more you repeat this statement of truth about yourself, the quicker you will release the past.

This is my new normal

by ⋅ 4 Comments

Finding my new normal after a loss of a child was something I figured out along the way. Being a blogger is my new normal because I would not have blogged about my recovery if I didn’t have my stories of hope.

The last few days took my breath away. Nothing can ever prepare me whenever triggers of my loved ones’ memories hit me. I have never spoken of the 5 deaths in my family in a span of one hour. Truly, the death of my loved ones shifted the whole foundation of my life. Nothing is as it was.

One effect of losing a loved one especially if death is sudden and unexpected, is that we become newly aware of fragility of life. In the early years of my grief journey… I had this frame of mind. If this tragedy can befall me, what next? It made me fearful and almost paranoid. A mom whose daughter was killed in an auto accident tells me she cannot bear to have her other children come home later than she expected Text me if you’re going to be late. Even 10 minutes. She tells her.

Our security in this world is threatened. Our inner lives are in turmoil. Following the patterns of the day gave me some sense of order so that I will not break apart. I tend to be such a neat freak too. Yet, I recognize that these are primal and irrational fears but the loss I have gone through are not rational, either.

In time, I had the energy and courage to cope with the change. Learning to live a new normal is like learning a new language, a new way of seeing. In a way, I entered a new country. Though the terrain looks very much the same and many of the people are the same people, there is a different light over everything.

Remember how long it took when you moved into your new home or a new town, for it to seem like home? It is the same with a major life change. I had to get used to this new land, this new arrangement of people and relationships. It took time–time to look around, to be surprised, to be brought up short, over and over again. An inner tug of protest inside where I finally acknowledged ….Oh yes, it is different now.

This is my new normal. It is a blessing.

The Blame game: Filipino version can be summarized in 2 words “Ikaw kasi.”

by ⋅ Leave a Comment

blame_passing

“Ikaw kasi!” Olivia blurted out to her friend Rose as they assessed the outcome of a project presentation. Prior to the big day, each of them had two different takes on the client’s proposal. After much debate, Olivia gave in to Rose’s peg but the client was not that convinced. A heated argument ensued. Rose felt her friend was quick to drop her like a hot potato when things go wrong but in the face of accolades, she would be eager to grab the limelight.

The blame game is a universal occurrence and the Filipino version can be summarized in two words “Ikaw kasi.” Loosely translated as “because of you”, “ikaw kasi” is a ready blurt-out when things go wrong.

This is deeply embedded in the Pinoy psyche that even young children seem to adapt the accusatory statement so naturally. When little Juanito stumbled, he promptly accused the playmate nearest him and pointed a finger at him, “Ikaw kasi!”

“Sabi ko na nga ba” (I thought so) or “sabi ko sa iyo eh” (I told you so) is a twin blame statement. Dora loves to pull this line when someone commits a boo-boo in her presence.  Her son takes a wrong turn while driving and she comments, “sabi ko sa iyo dapat doon tayo eh” (I told you so, you should have taken the other street).” Her sister overlooks a damage in a new bag she bought and she goes, “sabi sa iyo mas maganda bumili sa kabilang tindahan e” (I told you so, you should have purchased from the other store.)

Filipinos may be a happy lot but they could really score low when taking full responsibility for personal mistakes or pitfalls. Level up “ikaw kasi” and we see the full spectrum in the Pinoy’s life. Beaten athletes throw in the towel in disappointment and they point to the referee’s wrong call, the judges favoring the opponent, or the underground syndicate manipulating the games.

Losing politicians sling mud at the dirty elections and dirtier archenemies. Even the president easily finger points to his predecessor for every act of corruption and scam happening under his administration.

Getrealphilippines.com furthers, “the Philippines has a long history of holding up excuses for its failure to prosper. The sorry state of the country — the least promising in a region of high achievers — has been blamed on imperialism, foreign meddling, dictatorships, bad weather, lack of ‘freedom’, and corruption. “

We have all seen it and have said it ourselves one time or the other, whether we admit it or not. But why is  “ikaw kasi” so tempting to use? Elliot D. Cohen, Ph.D. explains that the blame game is based on four core irrational beliefs:

If something has gone wrong (or is not the way it should be), then someone other than myself must be identified and blamed for causing the situation.

This person/s’ malfeasance diminishes the respect he/she deserves as a person.

So, it is permissible (and only fitting) to treat this person/s in ways he/she deserves to be treated such as ignoring, name-calling, and in extreme cases, physical assault.

I must not accept any significant degree of responsibility for the situation inasmuch as to do so would be to admit that I am myself also diminished as a person, and therefore deserving of the same disapprobation and negative treatment.

Olivia is a classic case of the first irrational belief. The “Ikaw Kasi” virus carrier feels better when she points a finger to someone else when something goes wrong. Although Olivia initially agreed that her friend Rose’s peg was better for presentation, the client’s cold reception was a major letdown and Rose was the most convenient excuse for the apparent failure.

The second illogical premise is that a mistake diminishes the respect a person thinks he deserves. This point of view helps us why an rising athlete craving for respect among his peers and professional circle, and popularity from the public takes a loss as a major blow to his self-respect or more aptly, his pride. Blaming the unfairness of the referee’s call and the judges’ decision, and even the opponent’s alleged connection to the local Mafia may be helpful for him to lick his wounds.

Taking on the diminishing respect slant, “Ikaw Kasi” is justified by trying to get even with the unwitting victim. Little Juanito trips over a rock while running and blames a playmate closest to him. Convinced that he was pushed, he may even pick a fight to cover up his humiliation lest he be teased as stupid by the rest of the gang.

Dora, on the other hand, embodies Dr. Cohen’s fourth assertion that “Ikaw Kasi” people do not want anything to do with an awkward situation lest her self-respect will also be diminished. Dora is quick to point out mistakes and puts herself in a higher pedestal to appear higher and mightier.

Changingminds.org further explains that the main purposes for the blame game is finding excuse and displacement but a deeper look sums up to the fact that those who easily blurts out “Ikaw Kasi” lacks the emotional and psychological maturity to take responsibility and is ruled by fear of failure and rejection. Getting into the blame game may give a temporary relief but this will eventually backlash.

Dr. Cohen points out to lost opportunities by resorting to the “Ikaw Kasi” syndrome, “by failing to take personal responsibility the road to constructive change is blocked.”

Seasoned sports commentator Chino Trinidad aptly puts it in one of his reports. “Unless an athlete stops putting the blame on others and starts taking the responsibility to learn from his own mistakes and works on his weaknesses, he can never achieve true success.”

How do we break out of this compulsion? Dr. Cohen shares, “Give up your blame claim that someone always has to be blamed and made to pay. Everyday life isn’t a court of law and you aren’t the judge and jury. Accept yourself and others unconditionally.”

So the next time you err or get into an uncomfortable situation, take hold of yourself and breathe, “It’s my fault. I can do better next time.”

by Jasmine Barrios as originally posted at Philippine Online Chronicles

Photo: “Blame” by ???Ian, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved

Practice forgiveness: The ability to forgive is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give yourself.

by ⋅ Leave a Comment

Forgiveness sets you free from resentment’s confines; it breaks down the walls that anger builds and negativity reinforces.

I was struck by a facebook post from a friend. She shared the simple Act of Contrition taught to her in grade school to her own daughter. Here it is

O God, I am sorry for my sins. Please forgive me. I know you love me and I want to love you, and be good to everyone. Help me make up for my sins, I will try to do better from now on. Amen

I was also taught about the act of contrition in a Catholic School but that was over 40 years ago. All I remember is “Forgive me, Father for I have sinned…these are my sins…blah blah”. The act of contrition is a Christian prayer genre that expresses sorrow for sins. I don’t need to rattle off my sins to a priest because I have done this privately many times.  I believe God is everywhere.

The truth is I have sinned for acts that I did as a wife and mother. Though I have said sorry and seeked forgiveness from God and from family members as well, I think one must also forgive oneself and never do it again. Apologize and make amends for one’s bad action or words are the steps to healing and preventing resentment in relationships.

It’s never too late to apologize

Why should I apologize? I have learned that as long as I am sincere in my apology, saying sorry lifts that the burden off my chest as instant relief washes over me. I certainly don’t want to prolong any bad blood.  A proper apology will straighten everything out. According to psychologist Guy Winch, author of Emotional First Aid, “An effective apology doesn’t just heal the wound for the other person. It’ll dissolve your guilt, too.”

Basically, whenever an apology is given, one has to truly mean it—and strive to change one’s behavior so that  mistakes won’t happen again.

Twelve  years ago, my husband and I had our own share of marital conflicts. He would do something I found objectionable and then very quickly say sorry. I told him I  more interested in seeing his  behavior change.  It’s easy to say sorry; it’s harder to spend the time to understand why you’ve hurt someone and to work on not hurting them again.

Practice forgiveness

Through the years, my husband has shown through his actions that he wanted  to change. After truly being sorry, forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts we gave each other.

Forgiveness sets you free from resentment’s confines; it breaks down the walls that anger builds and negativity reinforces.

When we forgive, we stop letting our pasts dictate our presents. We acknowledge we want the very best for ourselves; accepting that our past makes us the person we are today, and embracing that.

Letting go of resentment doesn’t necessarily lead to forgiveness, but when you embrace forgiveness, resentment ceases to exist.

I know that I cannot control what other people do including family members, but I can control how I react. When I practice truthful living, self-expression, and forgiveness, resentment simply has no place or power in my life.

The Art of “Thank You” and “I’m Sorry”

by ⋅ Leave a Comment

A simple ‘thank you’ can save a life, brighten up a bad day, and even change the world. It makes the person hearing it want to return the favor, pay it forward, and better person.

In a world that’s been taken over by emoticons, stickers, Viber groups, and Facebook chats, it’s easy for honesty and sincerity to take a backseat. Ironically, now that our days are filled with easier and more convenient ways to communicate, the quality of our personal connections have dwindled. Have you actually looked someone in the eye and apologized in the last few weeks? When was the last time you thanked someone—truly thanked someone—in person and from the heart?

thank-you-490607_1280

A little gratitude goes a long way

There are plenty of ways to express our thanks and apologies without actually using words—a simple Minions sticker smiling that adorable smile on screen is usually the weapon of choice online. While it’s hard to resist the call of those little yellow creatures in denim overalls and goggles, it’s just not the same as actually saying the words. Ever since we were little kids, our parents would urge us to mind our manners, often asking us what we should say after hurting our siblings or our friends. And whenever our favorite tita would hand us a huge playset for Christmas, our mothers would be right there behind us, whispering, “Now, sweetie, what will you say?” Saying “thank you” and “I’m sorry” has been hardwired into our brains from the moment we learned how to speak, but somewhere along the way, it became harder and harder to say the words. Sometimes, they even come out automatically without any emotion from deep within, so what happened?

“In the 21st century, with so many different ways to communicate without even using words – email, voicemail, text messaging – it’s amazing that people don’t routinely acknowledge the kindness of others in one way or another,” says Rebecca Cole, author of Flower Power and co-host of Surprise by Design from the Discovery Channel. A lot of us have forgotten to say ‘thank you’ for even the most mundane things, not realizing that those two little words have the power to change big things. The simplest courtesies such as receiving our orders from a waiter or getting directions from a stranger on the street deserve our thanks. We even forget that not only does hearing the words ‘thank you’ make the receiver feel appreciated, but it also makes the person saying it feel good as well. It’s basically a win-win situation, isn’t it?

Thank You Mummy

“Receiving expressions of gratitude makes us feel a heightened sense of self-worth, and that in turn triggers other helpful behaviors toward both the person we are helping and other people, too,” says Francesca Gino, author of Sidetracked: Why Our Decisions Get Derailed, and How We Can Stick to the Plan. “I spend a lot of time working inside organizations and see teams working together to accomplish a task, usually with a deadline. Oftentimes, you don’t see the leaders going back and actually thanking the team members. Those are situations where expressions of gratitude from leaders could have wonderful effects,” the Harvard Business School associate professor continues.

A simple ‘thank you’ can save a life, brighten up a bad day, and even change the world. It makes the person hearing it want to return the favor, pay it forward, and be a better person. Just by thanking your husband for taking out the trash makes him feel truly loved, and merely appreciating your mother’s neatly packed lunch can help her get through the rest of her busy day. “My husband is now working for a start-up. I received flowers and a note from his company’s CEO thanking me for my understanding because my husband had been up all night working on a big project,” Gino shares. Moments like that one “really makes me think more carefully every time I am the one expressing gratitude to others. I don’t want to miss opportunities…I learned from my own research and now try to say ‘thank you’ much more often.”

It’s never too late to apologize

When it comes to saying sorry, on the other hand, our big egos and puffed up pride often get in the way. We may easily mutter the words without really meaning them, or worse, by being sarcastic about it. In apologizing, it’s important to know the impact it has on the people around us and the relationships we are in.

Asking For Forgiveness

Every time you say “I’m sorry”, you are showing the other person that he or she is respected. It builds trust and mutual respect in a relationship, which means that you value the state of the relationship rather than your own ego. Apologizing properly also helps you move on from your mistakes after owning up to them, and in turn builds a strong foundation between parties. As long as you are sincere in your apology, saying sorry also lifts that burden off your chest as instant relief washes over you. You certainly don’t want to prolong any bad blood, do you? A proper apology will straighten everything out. According to psychologist Guy Winch, author of Emotional First Aid, “An effective apology doesn’t just heal the wound for the other person. It’ll dissolve your guilt, too.”

Still, it’s not all about saying “I’m sorry” just for the heck of it. “Apologizing can be really bad communication. There are people who apologize for everything, and it can be related to assertiveness and self-esteem issues. It can send subtle messages that my needs are not as important as yours,” says marital therapist Dr. Guy Grenier. “We shouldn’t apologize for our own needs, but we should apologize for being thoughtless or careless.”

“It’s not appropriate just keep saying ‘I’m sorry’ for everything,” says psychotherapist Catherine Morris. “It’s appropriate when you become aware that your partner is truly wounded. If you’re not sincerely sorry, it should invite some dialogue.” Basically, whenever we apologize, we have to truly mean it—and strive to change our behavior so that our mistakes won’t happen again. “When my daughter was young, she would do something and then very quickly say sorry. I would say that I’m more interested in seeing your behavior change,” Morris shares. “It’s easy to say sorry; it’s harder to spend the time to understand why you’ve hurt someone and to work on not hurting them again.”

In the end, apologizing heals wounds, and having an attitude of gratitude also makes you more appreciative and at peace with your own life. So why not start mending relationships and begin thanking someone today?

Written by Cathy Dellosa-Lo as originally posted at Philippine Online Chronicles

Images: Thank You from Pixabay.com, Thank You Mummy and Asking For Forgiveness from Flickr. Used under Creative Commons. Some rights reserved.

Are You A Victim? Real or Imagined?

by ⋅ 5 Comments

“I am not a victim. No matter what I have been through, I’m still here. I have a history of victory.”
– Steve Maraboli

 

Do you feel trapped or helpless? Do you feel like inaapi ka (you were victimized)?

If I have learned anything from my past, it was my awesome ability to find misery in any situation, even the most wonderful of circumstances. Shoulders bent, head down, I shuffled through life taking these blows.

How many of you felt you have been the victim of unfortunate circumstances, real or imagined?

At one point in our lives, we may have been victimized or allowed ourselves to be victimized. There are times we might have sought out, created or re-created situations that victimized us.

Consider these scenarios.

Oh you got a new laptop? Yes, the victim sighs. But it doesn’t run as well as I expected and after all it cost so much.

Congrats you got promoted! The victim then sighs again, But there is such a price to pay for success. All that paperwork.

You have such a lovely condominium. The victim moans, Thanks, but I wanted a bigger floor area.

Victimization can turn out to be so habitual that one may feel victimized even by the good things that happen to them.

Some victims actually thought it was normal that people mistreated them. They actually believed that they deserved the mistreatment. They may have been attracted to people who mistreated them.

How does one stop being trapped as a victim?

1. One needs to let go of the need to be victimized or to be victims.

2. One needs to let go of the need to be in dysfunctional relationships and systems at work, in love, in family relationships and even in friendships.

3. Believe that you deserve better. It is your right. When you believe in your right to happiness, you will have happiness.

4. Let go of the belief that life is so hard, so awful or so difficult and replace that belief with a healthier and more realistic view.

Just liberate yourself by letting go of your need to be a victim and explore the freedom to take care of yourself.

 

“How would your life be different if…You stopped validating your victim mentality? Let today be the day…You shake off your self-defeating drama and embrace your innate ability to recover and achieve.”

Aspire to be the best me in 2017 and beyond

by ⋅ Leave a Comment

“Aspire, break bounds. Endeavor to be good, and better still, best.” – Robert Browning

Aspire to inspire.

I feel good about 2017. After all, it is my year. 2017 is the year of the Fire Rooster.  Yes, I was born on the Year of the Fire Rooster.  Before the year 2016 ended, I already envisioned myself to have more financial blessings in 2017. Tomorrow, I will sign a contract , a dream that floated in my mind and which I worked to make sure it will happen.

I want to dream for more goals this year other than financial blessings.

I take inspiration from Dr. Wayne W. Dyer  a few years back  about the New year . He said that instead of a New Year’s resolution, “set up day-to-day goals for yourself, and then resolve to begin living with present moment awareness for the rest of your life. When you get good at living your present moments one day at a time, you’ll see yourself changing right before your own surprised eyes. Remember, anyone can do anything for just one day, so tune out the sentences that keep you locked into your old self-defeating ways and begin to enjoy each day of your bright new year.”

There are things that I have  wanted to do for myself one day at a time. I resolve NOT to list down New Year’s resolutions and instead, do those little things I have ignored or shelved aside the past year and continue those activities or nurture attitudes that improve my life.

I realize that goals need to be written down. It serves as an affirmation of myself, my life, and my ability to choose. Then I let it go. New Year goals is something we need to dig within and discover what we would like to happen in our life this year. It is an affirmation that we are interested in living life in the year to come.

So the questions arise. What would I like to attain? Where would I like to go?  What would I like to happen in my marriage and family life? I have to remember that I am not out to control others with my goals but rather giving direction to my life. So I continue on pondering. What problems would I like to be solved? What decisions would I like to make? What would I like to happen in my business?

Based on these questions, I listed my goals in my paper journal so I will look back at it every day and monitor my progress.

Most of all,  I aspire to be a better me, as  a blogger, a mother, a wife , a sister and a friend. I often read daily affirmations to help me aspire to be the better version of myself. I have been good but I can still be better.

This is one beautiful meditation from Louise Hay that quite applies to me.

In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole, and complete. My life is ever new. Each moment of my life is new and fresh and vital. I use my affirmative thinking to create exactly what I want. This is a new day. I am a new me. I think differently. I speak differently. I act differently. Others treat me differently. My new world is a reflection of my new thinking. It is a joy and a delight to plant new seeds, for I know these seeds will become new experiences. All is well in my world.

With this affirmative thinking, I aspire to be the best me in 2017 and beyond. What about you? What are some things that you aspire to happen this year?

Remembering Luijoe on All Saints Day

by ⋅ 16 Comments

Remembering our departed loved ones on All Saints’ day and everyday of our lives.

all-saints-day
Did you know…the universal symbol of remembering is a candle?

Did you know…letting go of our loved one, but honoring their memory with a symbol is a ritual that brings healing? Sometimes words are not there to express what we want to say, but a symbol that brings meaning to us can help in the grief process.

candle-lighting2

We can’t know why some things happen…

But we can know that love

and beautiful memories

outlast the pain of grief.

And we can know that there’s a place

inside the heart where love lives always…..

And where nothing beautiful can ever

be forgotten.

Remembering Luijoe, and my immediate family members like my mom, my dad, brothers Ruben and Oscar today and everyday of my life.

luijoe

How “Acting As if” helped me in my recovery

by ⋅ 5 Comments

A year ago, my daughter shared me an article “Self help: try positive action, not positive thinking”

The self-help industry is mired in ideas about positive thinking that are at best ineffective and at worst destructive. If you want to be more confident or successful, says Richard Wiseman, the best thing to do is act the part

I have always believed positive thoughts should not end there but placed into action.

“Acting as if” is one of my favorite recovery tool that worked for me. By acting as if you are a certain type of person, you become that person, what I call the “As If” principle. To practice the positive, I act as if. It’s a positive form of pretending. It’s a useful tool to use to get ourselves unstuck. For many years after my son died, I isolated from friends . During the rare social gatherings I attended, I forgot how to initiate small talk. I was catatonic who preferred to be invisible amidst the light banter. I bet my friends or relatives felt their were talking to a blank wall. The only persons I socialzed were close family members. I realized the gravity of my people skills when I joined a parent’s group of my daughter’s colllege and I couldn’t say a word. I knew I needed to wake up from my zombie state.

I forced myself into positive recovery behaviors, disregarding my doubts and fears, until my feelings caught up with reality. Acting as if is a positive way to overcome fears, doubts, and low self-esteem. I did not have to lie or be dishonest with myself. It has been seven years since I used the “Acting as if” principle. I believed it worked because it was the only way to get out of the pit.

1. Becoming a media resource person

I acted as if I could speak up in public until I actually gained self- confidence and started to open up. When I started the grief support group, The Compassionate Friends, I was suddenly thrown into the media. The first interview and TV guest appearance terrified me. But how else will my mission get promoted? Acting as if I was confident enabled me to get through with these media exposure.

When I was invited to co-host Ratsada Inquirer shortly after my 55th birthday, I felt unsure if I could make it. I wanted to expand my horizons in order to share my advocacy or my opinions to a larger scale. So I “acted as if” I was confident even if I fumbled in my Tagalog. Acting as if I could be a great co-host, I started with being my usual self and adding a few Tagalog words here and there. I was relieved to get good feedback after the show which inspires me to continue. I constantly practice my speaking voice and Tagalog words.

2. Second wind in marriage

Acting as if also worked for my marriage. At the height of my grief in 2005, my marriage turned rocky to the point I considered separation but an accident forced me to work it out. Long story. Never in my wildest dream did I imagine myself with a broken ankle as I stepped inside my new pad. I had no choice but to live with my husband and work things out. Truly God works in mysterious ways. It was as if God said ” you can’t run away from your marriage. Try to fix it. Give it a second chance”. I acted as if I was back when we were first romantic couples dating in UP Diliman. That involved acting as if I was so romantic and it caught on. My husband probably did his part in acting as if were were steadies again.

“Fake it till you make it” is also called “act as if”. You probably heard this common catchphrase that means to imitate confidence so that as the confidence produces success, it will generate real confidence. It works.

Now, when a problem haunts me, acting as if can helps me get unstuck. I act as if the problem will be or already is solved so I can go on with my daily routine. Today, I have opened up to the positive possibilities of the future instead of limiting the future by today’s feelings and circumstances.

Here are 10 quick and effective exercises that use the As If principle to transform how you think and behave. Try to make a conscious decision to act as if you feel fine and are going to be fine.