Using the Cellphone for therapy

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salamat docThe overwhelming response to the episode, “Positibo ang Pinoy” in ABS CBN “Salamat Dok” shows the wide coverage of the show not only in the Philippines but in the USA , Australia, Saudi Arabia or wherever the Filipino Channel is . Right after my 15 minute segment, I checked my phone and to my surprise saw 31 text messages and 21 missed calls. For the next two days, my phone received a barrage of “missed calls” and text messages. I lost count. It probably reached to over 100 messages and 50 missed calls. Basking in the cool morning breeze , the show was shot live in an outdoor scene. See, I never thought anyone would be watching a 6:00 AM show so I gave away my cellphone number freely . I have often done that in other TV shows and newspaper interviews. My cellphone number and The Compassionate Friends website flashed on the screen for bereaved parents who might want to join our support group. Though I got around 20 legitimate queries from bereaved family members, the rest of the inquiries probably misunderstood “The Compassionate Friends” purpose. Maybe they thought I was their compassionate friend. I can do only so much , really. Much as I want to help the world, I have a family to attend to and I need to focus on my mission to help bereaved families towards a positive resolution of grief.

Receiving a barrage of text messages and missed calls made me realize the value of the text messaging among cellphone users. Without revealing the content of the text messages, these are some of my observations.

1. [tag]Cellphone[/tag] text messaging is used as “talk-therapy” . Cellphone users unload their problems to someone who had been there. Knowing someone out there is listening comforts them. Even to acknowledge a simple “I understand” evokes a “Thank you so much” reply.

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Moving on after the Subic Rape Case Decision

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MovingAfter the verdict on the Subic Rape Case was read yesterday, Nicole thanked God for hearing her prayers, saying that God heard her plea for justice.

“Nagpapasalamat po ako sa Diyos na dininig niya ang dasal ko. Thank you Lord. Nagpapasalamat din po ako pati kay Judge Pozon. Judge Pozon ang bait ninyo,” Nicole said in an interview aired by GMA Channel 7.

She said that in her lonely search for truth and justice, she called to God and He did not fail her.

“Ang bait po talaga ng Diyos sa akin” (God is really good to me),” she said

When asked whether she could forgive Smith, ““Nicole” was uncertain, simply saying, ““God is good.”

I believe that even with the Court’s decision on the [tag]Subic Rape Case[/tag] that proclaimed Lance Corporal Daniel Smith “guilty”, we are uncertain if the accused will actually stay in jail or that the decision will be appealed. One thing I know for certain is that God is the final judge.

I watched Nicole’s mother on TV as she heaved a sigh of relief. She prays that her daughter can now move on with her life. Any mother would want her daughter to be happy after going through such a harrowing ordeal. I read the other day that Nicole already set plans on taking up a job in the Philippines and even enrolled in a fitness gym. She also has plans of working abroad. It took guts and courage for her to sit through the 4 months trial. It’s time to move on indeed. Whenever I read current events, I look back on my recovery principles to ponder on and imagine how it can be done to others like Nicole. Nicole will not start over. She will move forward in perfectly planned progression of lessons.

When the lessons have been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons , with new people. The lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain but from joy and love. We know Nicole did not lose her faith during the trial. I hope others like her will learn to accept and be grateful for middles, endings and new beginnings.

Meantime, Lance Smith is facing prison term. I feel pity for this poor boy. He’s almost the age of my eldest daughter. Do you honestly think without reasonable doubt that Smith is guilty of rape? Though not a popular opinion, I have been having doubts he is really guilty. But then again , we will let the Courts of Appeal or the Supreme Court decide. The evidence will speak for itself .

Justice will be served.

Like Smith, justice over my son’s death will be realized. I will be patient. I will keep my faith. God is good. You will all know the truth one day.

You can read the legal aspect of the [tag]Subic Rape Case decision [/tag] here:

Subic Rape Case Part 1
Subic Rape Case Part 2
Subic Rape Case Part 3

Desperate Housewives, Filipino Version

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UPDATED Read my blog entry, Desperate Housewives Episode on Some Med School in the Philippines

desperate housewivesI was desperate. I was desperate to get rid of my throbbing headache that had been nagging me for the past week. I took naps. I stopped using weights. I took anti-migraine pills but nothing would get rid of the pain. I visited the doctor and found out it was a muscle strain just behind my left ear. I must have overdid my weights. So I decided that I needed a break. I cut my computer work down to 4 hours a day and for the next 4 days, I did a marathon viewing of “Desperate Housewives” Season 1 and 2.

M looked worried . She was used to seeing me working all day. “Mom I hope you won’t get desperate”.

I laughed “You don’t have to worry. I have lived through the most desperate years and I am still here.”

My family teased me as I remained a permanent fixture at the family den, nibbling nuts as I cozily lounged on the couch. What was even funnier was they teased me to “Bree Van de Kamp”, the obsessive compulsive character in the movie. “Haha, I am not a Bree”. Yes, I admit I can be obsessive-compulsive. I love to cook special dinners, create crafts for my home decors, bake cookies and even icing birthday cakes for the children. I annoy my family by being too color coordinated during meals and such but I am not a perfectionist at all. I was being a “Bree” because I had to stretch the budget. During the kid’s birthday parties, I did all the cooking , baking and entertaining. Why should I hire a caterer or an events coordinator if I could do it myself?

I never knew how much all these meant to my children until I received a Christmas card from L a few years back. Instead of being rude about my desperation, L thanked me for the most magical childhood memories but added that she was clearly worried about my life. Those were the rough years when I was just newly bereaved and living a life of a zombie. It really touched me that my efforts to be a super-mom in their childhood was deeply appreciated. There were moments in their teenage years that I felt that I didn’t know them.

L chided “I don’t mind gourmet food, mom”.

M suggested “We should try turkey for Christmas”.

I smiled and continued on with my marathon. Okay, the show is very entertaining. It surely gave me the endorphin fix I needed to relax and ease my neck strain. I liked how they tackled the loss of a spouse, a miscarraige and loss of mother. Death is a normal part of life and dealing with the loss should be properly addressed to even if it’s just a show.

Desperate Housewives is clearly based on American culture with a few issues that I can relate to. REGAL’s Mother Lily Monteverde’s is planning a film patterned after ‘Desperate Housewives’ entitled “Desperada”. Gretchen Baretto, Dawn Zulueta and Ruffa Gutierrez are among the stars handpicked by the producer but intriques already arise among the three so the movie is on hold for now. I don’t know how our Filipino version will turn out to be. Oh well. If I were the producer, I won’t portray glamorous stars to represent the Filipino desperate wife. In the Philippines, a desperate housewife is:

1. making ends meet to fit the household budget.
2. if number (2) is not met, she is forced to work to augment the income.
3. if number (3) is not met, she will take a job abroad and be one of the millions of Oversears Filipino Workers (OFW).

Knowing Filipino movies, the glamor part sells more than the reality of life . After all , movies are the fantasies we need to escape the grim realities.

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Love, Friendship and Betrayal

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betrayalThree months ago, I wrote about L’s broken heart. It seemed she moved on quite well with her life. L and P, her ex remained friends. It often puzzled me because from what I remember breaking up can often lead to broken friendships as well. I guess to them letting go means holding on to the friendship. It’s a way of easing out. Good for them to be able to sustain friendship even if love is out of the picture.

That was until yesterday when a furious L with two yellow plastic bags asked permission to go to her ex home. “I want to return all of his gifts”. L’s bloodshot eyes begged at me.

“My friend and P have been seeing each other”. I blinked.

Of all the worst betrayal, an ex and a close friend tops it all. “I’m so sorry” I blurted out. We continued talking about the betrayal and L convinced me that she needed to do this. I couldn’t drive her to the MRT stop because my car was already banned from the streets. I called for a cab to drive her over to her ex home.

Often we believe our friends will remain loyal to us forever. Betrayal stories like this is fairly common. It’s the reason M, my sister is in San Francisco. M’s ex-boyfriend and Teresa, her close friend decided to be a couple after they broke up six months previously. Teresa was gracious enough to ask permission from my sister if it was alright if they were a couple. An angry M said “NO” and warned her of her ex’ character. But Teresa’s heart didn’t listen. Seeing my sister so broken-hearted, I brought her along with me to a vacation in the US in 1984. M hasn’t gone back to live in the Philippines since then.

It also happens in marriage. Affairs have happened between a bestfriend and the philandering spouse. A friend confided in me that she caught her husband having a “texting affair” with her bestfriend. Okay, just because it’s “text messaging” doesn’t mean anything. It’s an emotional affair. An affair is an affair is an affair. Even if sex is not involved, it could lead to a full blown affair. My friend confronted her husband about it. The husband said that he didn’t take it that way and besides the text were friendly in nature. My friend hissed “Excuse me, how could ‘tell me your dreams’ be friendly text messages?”. Sooner or later , these text conversations will lead to “did you dream of me?”. My friend reported the text messages to her best friend’s husband. The latter was livid with anger that he nearly divorced her if it were not for my friend’s intervention. Apparently, their marriage was falling apart and the woman resorted to fantasies to distract her from the marital problems.

I hugged my daughter. “don’t worry dear, chaos and karmic backlash is the end result of betrayal”. Not only did my daughter experience another stab in her heart, the loss of “friends” is another cross to bear.

My husband was even more endearing and patted L’s shoulder. “just let me know what I can do”.

Early Christmas Decor Shopping

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On the way home from Baguio, I caught the colorful array of Christmas lanterns on the roadside of Gerona, Tarlac.

“I want to take photos” I begged my husband to stop.

The long stretch of bright [tag]Christmas Lanterns[/tag] was captivating. I had no plans of buying [tag]Christmas decors[/tag] but my husband (the Grinch) thought it was rude to take photos and not buy anything from the poor vendors. Strictly speaking, my husband isn’t really a Christmas Grinch. Ever since my son died in 2000, the holidays are the most depressing season for him. Next to Halloween day, the most difficult holiday of the year is Christmas. Christmas decors just remind him that Christmas is lonely without our little boy. Of course, we grieve differently . Christmas is a happy occasion for me. I digress. Anyway…

“Okay, let’s shop”. M and I started our search for the traditional Christmas lantern, the parol . There were probably more than 20 vendors all selling the same design ranging from flowers, butterflies, snowmen, stars, trees even a papaya tree, capiz lanterns and more.
lanternssnowmanlanternschristmas lanternschristmas lanternslanterns

My husband ventured to the other side of the roadside stand. Much later, he surprised me with 10 colorful star lanterns strung together. I never expected him to actually shop for himself. Joy filled my heart. It shows that Christmas shopping wasn’t a difficult task anymore. Look at what we got…

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How safe is Katipunan Avenue?

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Katipunan Avenue in Quezon city is close to Ateneo De Manila University , Miriam College and the State University and let’s not forget other pre-schools. Crime rate is not as high as let’s say the university belt area. It’s relatively safe if you compare their crime statistics. Perhaps it’s one reason that Katipunan has only 4 policemen. I got that information from the June 2006 of Katipunan Magazine of which my daughter L is an Associate editor. The safety of Katipunan avenue is my concern because my 2 daughters live on an off-campus dormitory in that area.

If ever a crime occurs in katipunan avenue, it doesn’t reach our major dailies. It’s foolish to think that Katipunan avenue is totally safe. Take for instance that holdup robbery in that famous pancake restaurant on September 16, 2006, the day of the Ateneo College Entrance Exams. Families drive their children to take the exams and naturally wait for them to finish. A few of these families thought of eating at this pancake house. This is what happened….

From nowhere, two motorcyles, each with three riders, arrived. All six alighted, three men stayed outside and three entered as families focused on lively conversations, the promise of an Ateneo education, pancakes, waffles, breakfast steaks, bacon and eggs.

One suspect, his face unconcealed save for a baseball cap, pulled out a 9mm Beretta, chose a table with with he judged as the most vulnerable victim ( the patron having two young children with him), and then proceeded to poke the gun at his face.

His first demand was for everyone to surrender their cellular phones. That made sense. Here was an experienced thief who knew what he was doing. The suspect obviously studied in Filipino cultrure and sociology. Victims might not have enough money on them as was usually the case in a a university community , but they would most certainly carry at least one cellphone.

As the men, who the polic report eventually identified as armed with “hand guns and machine pistols” divested at least eight groups of more than a million pesos, P 15,000 from the cash register, plus more in personal property, a woman in one table pleaded for her life. While she was not dressed in a nun’s habit, she identified herself as a nun.

The children in the restaurant started shaking and sobbing, fearful for their lives as the suspects threatened to shoot everyone while one continued to brandish the 9mm Beretta at the man with two young children who clung to him in fear. So that the victims might not get a clear look at the faces of the suspects and so that they would be immobilized, they were told to lie on the floor or else be killed.

At approximately 8 a.m., within 10 minutes since the men barged into the pancake restaurant, most of the victims were herded into the establishment’s cramped toilet. The suspects then fled “on board two motorcycles towards C-5 southbound.”

Source: Pancakes, bacon and a 9mm Beretta, Business World, September 27, page 4

The above incident is not an isolated case. It has happened to other restaurants in the past. What is different in this case is that the robbers anticipated that an affluent crowd would be gathered near that area. Ateneo Schools failed to inform the police authorities to beef up its men during a time like this. This latest incident is another agenda of the Ateneo Parents School Council security committee. No , I’m not a member of the security committee but at least I get to know the progress of increased security in the Katipunan area.

Pregnancy Loss

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home-baby.jpgLast Monday, I was surprised to receive a text message from Cathy to pray for her surgery scheduled for 7:30 AM. That surprised me. I knew she had thyroid consultation and a complaint on Mittelschmertz (German for “middle pain”) and some pre-menopausal symptons. I knew something was up with Cathy because we see each other everyday, well “online” that is. So that worried me when I didn’t see her for two days. Anyway, I thought they found something in her thyroid gland which required an emergency operation. I can imagine the shock of this sudden decision. I thought of visiting her yesterday but then it was my husband’s 47th birthday. Besides , I thought she might not be able to chat because of the pain around her throat area. So I took a chance this morning to visit her at the hospital. Cathy was in high spirits ever grateful for the successful operation and God’s faithfulness.

So they found something in your thyroid?, I was skimming around her throat area wondering where the incision was done.

I was puzzled.

Cathy said “No, I had an ectopic pregnancy”

I was stunned. [tag]Ectopic pregnancy[/tag] can be fatal. In fact , she was already bleeding internally and had lots of clots. No wonder she couldn’t attend our August 19 meeting of the Compassionate Friends. Imagine she was bleeding for more than 10 days not knowing she was pregnant all along. Anyway, Cathy will blog more about God’s faithfulness in delivering her from danger. The question that piqued my curiousity was ” are you grieving?”. She doesn’t know yet as everything happened so soon and she is still processing the past day’s events.

ectopic.jpg

That Monday, I also received word that my sister-in-law lost her more than 8 weeks old baby. I know they wanted this baby so much as they only have one child. .

A baby did not have to be born after nine months in order to be loved and treasured. A baby was anticipated and wanted and it was taken away without permission, consent or notice. The loss needs to be grieved and mourned by the parents but they need to be reassured that there is no timeline on the grief process. A [tag]pregnancy loss[/tag] is not something that someone just ““gets over” in a matter of days. It is a true loss, just like the loss of a pet, the death of a family member or a friend. A pregnancy loss is a real loss. Their feelings should not be minimized with an unkind comment and their loss must not be trivialized. Too often, those closest to us – our friends and family members – tell us what they think is the right thing to say but is really the last thing we should hear:

““It was God’s way”
““It was better that it happened now, rather than later”
““At least you have other children”

Each of the above statements might be true but none of them offer comfort or take away the pain. Support for preganncy loss is available around the world and even in our mission, The Compassionate Friends Philippines.

Alcoholics in the Philippines

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To get the meetings all over the Philippines Contact this number

CONTACT NUMBERS OF ALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS PHILIPPINES

A lot of contact names and numbers and meeting times and places have changed since 2006. Here’s the link of the yahoo group of AA Philippines:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/AAPhilippines

If anyone is interested please join the group. Once a member, you can access DATABASE where the List of meetings and contacts will be found. Metro Manila is under NCR. You may leave the group anytime you wish.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) hotline# +632 896 5707. (Teena M.)

Email: bigbook@edsamail.com.ph / mclm@edsamail.com.ph

mel gibsonWhen the high and mighty fall, the road to recovery begins with a public apology. If there is any redeeming factor that [tag]Mel Gibson[/tag] has given to the world is the media coverage of [tag] alcoholism[/tag] devastating consequences. In the Philippines, drunken men or women are a common sight in parties, fiestas or celebrations. Oooh, you can see them falling to the floor, slurring their words or being just an annoying loud mouth. The party drunk, the life of the party, right? The San Miguel Beer says it all. The multi-million ad portrays a festive atmosphere where beer overflows and sexy ladies sashay their bodies or flaunt their beauty. Such an ad conditions the mind of our vulnerable young kids to associate beer with lovely women and lure them to a life of fun-filled parties.

The effects of alcoholism are easily shown in the sensational section of the local TV news. How often do you see wives beaten up by their husbands? Or children being sexually abused by their biological fathers? What about that actor caught for drunk driving? Though I don’t have the statistics right now, I bet there are cases of drunk -related accidents or physical abuse.

Countless families are ruined and being ruined by alcoholism. Family members walk in eggshells as they pass by the pink elephant snoring in their living room. Not many know that alcoholics are just in the same level as drug addicts. It’s even harder for alcoholics to abstain from their addiction because alcohol is available everywhere. San Miguel beer ads often show a party atmosphere and that a party is incomplete without beer. Oh well, how else can they advertise right? Still they shouldn’t show bottles of beer on the table. Drinking alcohol is so much a part of our Filipino culture. In fact , it is “macho” if one can gulp a number of beer bottles. There is the issue that one is not an alcoholic just because the person is not rolling in the road or that he doesn’t drink everyday anyway. Does the person even know he is an alcoholic?

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Kay Warren on How to be Joyful No Matter what

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kay warrenkay warrenWhile on my way to Kay Warren’s Women Talk seminar, I pondered over her topic “How to be Joyful No Matter What“. Kay Warren is a two-time cancer survivor, a homemaker, and a pastor’s wife (the wife of Rick Warren, author of Purpose Driven life). Her favorite passage of Scripture is John 6:1-14 . In that famous passage, Jesus feeds 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish that a little boy offered Him. These verses confirm the truth that God uses ordinary average people to accomplish great things when their lives are totally surrendered to Him. It was God’s idea that Cathy give me tickets for the “Women Talk” yesterday so I could share it here.

kay warrenCan life still be joyful even if one has experienced the worst nightmare any parent can have? What do I tell the bereaved mothers of The Compassionate Friends that life can be joyful inspite of the loss of their child. For newly bereaved, there are days and weeks that can drag on and on without any infusion of light and joy. Kay Warren defines joy as the , ““The unshakeable assurance that God is in control of all the details in my life. It is the quiet confidence that ultimately everything will be alright; and the determined purpose to praise God in all things.” Some newly bereaved lose their faith in God . I too lost my faith in God. It’s all a matter of choices. It was my choice to be miserable early on in my grief journey. While listening to Kay, I knew I had to undergo so much pain to discover God again in my life. We can control our choices. I chose to surrender to God during my deepest darkest despair and that’s when I found joy back in my life. How? I didn’t know it then but Kay Warren best explains the practical ways on finding joy everyday.

1. Put the humor in Life.
2. Practice Gratitude
3. Choose to be a giver than a taker
4. Live in the moment
5. Find the “bless in the mess”

You can read more details of “How to be Joyful No Matter What“. in “Cathy’s entry.

So what do I tell the newly bereaved? I will tell them that life is full of choices. Grief is inevitable but misery is optional. Every day, each of us decides how to spend our time–each hour, each minute, each second. Do I spend those moments grieving? Not all of them. As the years go by, I find fewer moments of grief and more moments of joyful activity. Trust God that we are going to be joyful

1. Inspite of
2. In the middle of
3. Even if

Joy has returned to my life and to my home.

Nicole, not just a rape victim

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Updated– Read the latest development at Nicole, Subic Rape Victim Doubts the Rape

rape.jpgI am disappointed at some of the public opinions regarding ‘Nicole’, the rape victim (read Subic Rape case). Reading this ‘Nicole Tells her Story news article on Nicole shows how judgemental some bloggers can be. Yes some bloggers but I have yet to surf a blog that blames Nicole. Or maybe I am not in that circle of bloggers.

But if blogs, Internet chat rooms, or family conversations are to be the gauge, Nicole is not doing all that well in the court of public opinion, according to Evalyn Ursua, one of her lawyers.

“This means we have a long way to go in terms of educating the public about rape,” the private prosecutor said.

Ursua said that per the “monitoring” done by volunteers, among them law students of the University of the Philippines who are assisting her in the case, Nicole is even being “blamed” for the alleged rape.

“Opinion is divided, and there’s a significant number of blogs we have monitored that are against her or think she doesn’t deserve support because she was drunk [on the night of the incident] and ‘therefore’ had it coming,” Ursua told the Inquirer.

Why should she have it coming? I know a lot of girls in their twenties who drink and want to have fun. I don’t condone alcohol drinking and I warn my girls of the dangers of alcohol intake. It’s just that they should look at themselves or their friends first judging “Nicole”. The UP Law center shows in a survey that 70% of young adults like Nicole drink. How do they even know she has loose morals? And even if she did, it doesn’t mean she sought out sex with these men. Does she deserve this kind of public opinion? There are so many myths and misconceptions about rape victims. A rape victim is credible if she was a virgin at the time of the rape. Perhaps even date rape is not acceptable in the Philippines.

Rape is defined as forced, manipulated or coerced sexual intercourse (or other sexual act) against the will of the victim. If the act occurs while the victim is unconscious, asleep or otherwise unable to communicate unwillingness, it is still considered rape.

source:
http://www.wpi.edu/Pubs/Policies/Judicial/sect16.html

I know the courts will establish if it was indeed rape or not. But in the meantime, those who judged ‘Nicole” should educate themselves on what rape really is.

As Nicole said:

“I am only fighting for my dignity and that of my family,” she said. “I just hope people would support me in this struggle. Please don’t judge me too harshly. I’m only seeking justice.”

Edit- December 5, 2006– Court Decision is out. Lance Corporal Daniel Smith is guilty. Read Nicole Moving on After Subic Rape Case Decision