Butterfly Miracles

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My friend Cathy sent me this beautiful article , Butterfly Miracles, from Chicken Soup for the Soul: Grieving and Recovery by Jeanne Wilhelm. I know some of you who read my blog lost someone in their lives. I often use the butterfly as a symbol of hope . There is always a chance of a new life out there. This is what I often call the new normal, the life without our loved one. It takes time but life does move on to a new normal. These days you will catch me wear butterfly necklaces, butterfly earrings, butterfly on my dress or shirts.

To live in hearts we leave behind Is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell, “Hallowed Ground”

I rummaged through the small cardboard box that passed for my jewelry box. On a mission to get rid of anything unworn, I gasped as my hand touched the metal butterfly — no bigger than a half dollar. Clutching it to my aching chest, the tears streamed down my face as I remembered.

Vivid images of the day my eight-year-old son presented the butterfly pin he’d made for me — my Mother’s Day gift — rushed to mind. I could picture Mark, round face, straight blond hair, as he smiled up at me. “Here, Mom, I made this for you in art class. I painted a design on it, but they baked it and the paint all ran together. I think it turned out neat!”

I prepared myself to receive a gift of love more than beauty as I unfolded the paper wrapped by childish fingers. A witty, personable, and fun-loving child, Mark did not seem to possess artistic talent. The butterfly, to my surprise, emerged a masterpiece of swirling copper, blue and beige hues.

“It’s beautiful,” I said with complete honesty. He accepted my hug with eyes rolling, as I murmured, “Thank you, honey. I love it.” He beamed with pride. I wore the pin frequently for years, often receiving compliments on its artistry.

One day, the back fell from the butterfly as I rushed to pin it to my lapel. I dropped the butterfly into the box in my drawer as I hurried to my appointment. I’ll have it repaired later, I thought.

Life was filled with family, school and work. The butterfly rested, forgotten, in the bottom of the box for more than ten years.

This day, the full force of the painful loss pressed into my chest. Eighteen months earlier, as I cradled my husband in my arms, I felt half of me slip away as he died. Now, the rest of my heart had been ripped from my chest as my 22-year-old son died while I held his hand — helpless again to keep cancer from taking one I loved. Mark had fought the disease with great courage and confidence. In the end his body betrayed him when his spirit would have kept on fighting. The deep, painful cavity inside me screamed for relief.

How I’d longed for a part of Mark to keep near. His cap, his keychain — none of his possessions had provided comfort — only more pain. But this butterfly, a gift made by his loving hands, held the promise of his continued presence with me. His life changed, like the caterpillar to the butterfly. He was no longer bound by ill health and earthly trials. The butterfly reminded me of this truth. The miracle of this gift, rediscovered after so many years, soothed my grieving heart.

The butterfly, coupled with a gold cross and attached to a delicate gold chain (a gift from my daughter), traveled the journey through grief with me. I wore it constantly, even in the shower. Along the way, sometimes the telling of the story brought comfort to another traveler. It also held the promise of change and healing for me, but in some irrational way, I felt to take it off would be to forget Mark and stall the healing.

One night, about a year after his death, I, who almost never remember a dream, had a startling and memorable one. I found myself standing on my front porch looking for someone. I saw a young man in the distance and as he trudged nearer, I recognized Mark — tired, sick and dirty — but Mark without a doubt. Stunned, unable to move at first, I threw my arms around him as he came up onto the porch.

Holding tight, I cried, “Mark, oh Mark, it is so good to see you. You’re not dead. I thought you were dead and you’re not. Oh Mark, Mark, I love you son,” I babbled.

He pulled back from me and said, “Mom, I love you. I have to go now and you must let me go. You must let me go, Mom. You can’t keep hanging onto me. Let me go now.” With that, for just a second, he appeared healthy and vigorous — almost glowing — then vanished.

I woke up feeling his embrace and hearing his words echo in my mind. I clutched the butterfly as tears streamed down my face. I raced to the front door to look for him and saw only an empty street. I started to grasp it was only a dream, but a strange peace crept into my darkness.

As I pondered the dream, I realized that in order to heal, to move on, I had to let Mark go — not forget, but refuse to cling to what might have been. The butterfly became the symbol. I started by taking it off to shower, then to sleep. Little by little I accepted my son’s departure from my life, but never forgetting what we’d shared. The awful pain and emptiness declined as I persisted in enjoying the memories of the occasions we’d spent together — not dwelling on the times we’d never have.

As my journey continued, the butterfly reminded me of the new life that awaited me. But when would that lingering ache in my chest depart? Five years passed. I believed that as long as I lived, the ache would remain. After all, I’d shed tears with women who buried children 60 years before.

On a walk one day, as I mulled over this “fact,” a butterfly fluttered toward me as if heaven-sent. Healing in his wings, I thought. And suddenly the ache was gone, replaced by joy for Mark reveling in all the glories of heaven.

Do I miss him? Yes. Is there sadness or a tear now and then? Yes. But there is a difference. The sadness no longer steals the joy away. Now when I wear the butterfly it is a symbol of victory over death and a new life not just for Mark, but for me as well. Clearly, more than one butterfly miracle came my way.

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Healing of the Family Tree

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family tree

When I was new in my grief, many well meaning friends and relatives advised me this and that. I don’t know who among them suggested the “Healing of the Family Tree” and gave me a prayer. Each night, I was to say this prayer hoping in the belief that the curse of family deaths would end . (My 2 brothers, and a mother died before my son’s death in 2000) . As if we don’t all die.

A part of this prayer goes:

“Heavenly Father, I ask You now to go back though all in my bloodline, my husband’s/wife’s bloodline, and the bloodlines connected to all of my family and relatives and forgive the wrongs, heal the illnesses, bind the evil deeds. I ask You Lord to break the chains, associations and links any of these may have to us here in the present. On their behalf Lord, I seek Your forgiveness, your healing and a pouring out of your Divine Love so that Your Love may now pour forth through the years and touch us in the here and now. So that Your Divine and Healing Love will take the place of all the past hurts, angers, hates, unlove of You, destructive emotions or actions and evil ties of our ancestors. So that Your Precious Blood and Divine Love and Healing will heal us of the residue we carry from our ancestors. In true faith I thank You Lord because You have said ‘Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened to you’. Today Lord I knock, I seek, I ask. All praise and thanks to You my loving Father.”

Now being newly bereaved and distraught, I went along with the idea that my ancestors were so sinful that all these deaths were brought about by their sinful ways…. Yes, it must be a curse, “malas” “karma” or “gaba” until one day, I just had it.

Praying the “Healing of the Family Tree” is the most depressing thing ever. In the first place, before my son died, we underwent a public healing of our family tree at Christ the King Church through our “Couples of Christ” group. We prayed that all the cancers, diabetes , hypertension would not continue on our present generation. Also, we prayed that early death will be spared further in our families.

I believe that our families have patterns of behavior that are passed on from generation to generation. This is especially true for those with genetic predisposition to suicide, alcoholism . Some of these patterns are not coincidences. We are also adversely affected by the sins of parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents, and by the sins of the ancestors who adversely affected them.

Don’t be mistaken, I believe in the Healing of the family tree. What I find truly objectionable in the prayer is guilt feelings that most newly bereaved feels whenever a priest tells them about the “Family Tree”. Also, the prayer is so repititious like all Catholic prayers. Imagine praying that everyday for the rest of your lives. There is no meaning . No substance. We have no control over the sins of our ancestors. We did not cause their sins. A bereaved mother thinks her great grandfather who was a priest might have been the root cause for her son’s death. Another bereaved mother attributes the death of her daughter because her marriage was not blessed in Church. Is God truly vengeful? Why are others spared? We cannot cure the sins of our ancestors but we can truly change ourselves.

We heal our family trees primarily by changing ourselves to be better persons, even much better than our ancestors could ever be. We heal our family trees by taking care of our health so our predisposition to certain genetic diseaes will be curtailed. We heal our family trees by receiving a new nature through total commitment to God . Secondly, we heal our family trees by repentance and healing. The change starts in us. Healing starts in us. It’s time to stop looking back at the past and move forward now.

One should take the proactive approach to cyber bullying

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In the nineties, bullying seemed insignificant at least for social bullying. Even if I fought it out in school, I was the only parent who complained. My daughter continues to add “The sad part is that guidance counselors, teachers, and even some parents don’t think much of bullying. They pass it off as play, or maybe an early life lesson: the world can be a terrible place filled with people who will treat you with undeserved cruelty.”

Programs to help reduce bullying start with a comprehensive approach that involve a collaboration between students, parents, the school and the community. Positive change will result when all parties concerned become involved stakeholders and take personal responsibility for standing up , voicing out and eliminating bullying.

Everyone from the parents, educators, the students and community should stand up and voice out that bullying should stop. Domestic violence should stop. Preventing and stopping bullying involves a commitment to creating a safe environment where children can thrive, socially and academically, without being afraid.

Creating a Safe Environment for Young Minds


Malayan High School for Science invited me to talk about “Creating a safe environment for Young minds” particularly on cyber-bullying. It was also the Unveiling, Launching, and Signing of the MHSS Safe School Program.

I laud the school’s effort in creating a safe environment for young minds. The school, the students and parents are all part of the solution . I wish I were still a parent with school children. I would have enrolled my children there. I know I would be able to work hand in hand with my kids and the school. In the nineties, I was helpless because the school did not want to cooperate with me. Even if I coached my kid at home , my efforts did not bear fruit.

I am impressed that MHSS provides a safe learning environment for students and that they consider this a top priority of every school. With a safe environment, students will be motivated to take up new challenges, and to remain focused in learning.

The proactive approach to preventing cyber bullying

Children should always remember that safety is their number one concern. They need to know that telling is not tattling. Students should know it is safe to inform trusted adults about what is really going on and also teach adults about new technologies that kids are using to bully. The more senior students can serve as mentors and inform younger students about safe practices on social media. I presented a video on cyber bullying awareness with catchy lyrics from Taylor Swift’s song entitled “Mean”.

I also shared Sonnie Santos’ tips on a proactive preventive approach to cyber bullying and how to protect oneself online.

During my days as internet safety head in the mid-nineties, I helped kids around the world as they built the content of their online journal or websites. One of these kids is now 28 years old. I met him when he was only 12 years old. So I asked him what he thought of cyber bullying. He provides valuable input.

The web is making the world much smaller, in ways that we don’t quite yet understand. With this smaller community we also have a great responsibility with how we treat one another. People, especially kids and teenagers, have to understand that everything we put on the Internet can be saved and it can come back to haunt us. Any job or graduate school recruiter has the obligation now, to Google your name before they think about offering you an interview or offer.If you have a friend who is cyber bullying someone, you have the responsibility to tell that friend to stop, not only because it is wrong, but also because it will cause harm to that person’s digital presence in the future.

For the people who are the recipients of that bullying, I would say the same thing. Expect everything put online to stay online, forever. If someone is cyber bullying you, document document document – through screenshots or whatever means you have available. That person must stop and apologize, because whatever he or she is doing will affect them later if they do not manage their digital presence.

One may get rid of school bullying once they graduate from high school but the online bullying can persist and move on to cyber harassment later on. It is important to take this proactive stand and prevent from being a victim.

I hope the students become more proactive with their safety and be part of the solution. Make a stand to stop bullying in any form. With the help of their school and their parents, I hope the students create a positive environment for themselves, their peers at school and on social media.

Videos: Media interviews in honor of my son, Luijoe

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Luijoe is 19 years old today. I still cry , tear, smile as I recall the day of his birth. My handsome boy, oh what would have he looked like at 19 years old? Someone once told me that there is a software that can give a photo of what Luijoe might look like today. I heard it is really expensive.

It is a fleeting thought because all I can remember is my impish six year old boy Luijoe with a twinkle in his eyes. My thoughts linger now. He would have been in second year college. I bet he would drive me to places. Maybe he would have introduced me to his girl friend? Would he still be so attached to his mama?

Do you sometimes feel that you want to rewind and freeze a moment in time? When I look at his last birthday photos, I just want to hold on and savor that precious moment.

Every year , I celebrate the birthday of my beautiful boy to remind me that love never dies. The celebration of his life reminds me that there is a connection between us. Sure, the physical ties are now broken . In its place lies a spiritual connection that goes beyond the mortal world. I am thankful for the six short years. I would not be where I am today if I did not find the courage to start a new life. The single most powerful factor in starting my new normal has been the realization that death did not take all of my child.

During his last birthday in 1999, we celebrated it twice: at school and another at home . Such happy and poignant memories. (I wrote more about his last birthday celebration here) I know the time will come when we will be together in the house he promised to build for me. He used to point to this blue and white house as I drove him to school and say “I will build you a house like that”. I know this is not going to happen here in this mortal world. While I live, I will continue on the mission that my son has left for me to accomplish.

Today, I will prepare Fiesta Ham and some noodle dish. Then my husband and I will visit his resting place, and bring him some flowers. (I will update this towards the end of the day)

It’s been so long ago . I never realized that I now became a resource person for grief recovery. Here are some of the interviews that I managed to record since I blogged here.. 2008 was the year I had the most number of interviews .

November 8, 2008 in Mom Works

A Mom’s the Word Feature in Mom Works hosted by Maricel Laxa at the Lifestyle channel shown November 7, 8 and 9.

July 2008 – QTV Sweet Life on The Child’s Grief

May 2, 2008 – Proudly Filipina with Charlene Gonzales

April 26, 2008 at Kapuso Mo Jessica Soho

A tribute to my son

Through the years : ZsaZsa Padilla’s Eulogy for Dolphy

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What a beautiful tribute to the man she loved and who loved her as well. Zsa Zsa Padilla sang THROUGH THE YEARS during the Necrological Service for Dolphy – Comedy King at the Dolphy Theater of ABS-CBN yesterday. I recall in 1989 when Dolphy dropped Alma Moreno because of his love for Zsa Zsa Padilla. At that time, I also wondered in disbelief for his reasons. The public didn’t take the news kindly, that it prompted them to leave for the USA . For the next two and a half years, they lived in exile. The popular “John and Marsha” folded soon after . Without Dolphy, there is no John.

Through the years, Dolphy and Zsa Zsa Padilla proved that their love was real and strong. Despite the controversies surrounding the start of their relationship, Dolphy and Zsazsa Padilla stayed together for the past two decades and have two children, namely Nicole and Zia .He is 36 years older than her, and had relationships with different women before her, five of whom bore him his 18 children.

I got the following statement from Zsazsa Padilla facebook wall said .

“To Dolphy, thank you very much for being so proud of me; for giving me my two girls; for being so thoughtful; and for doing your best to provide for us. Kung mayroon siyang kapintasan, ‘yun ang pagiging sobra niyang mapagbigay. Mahirap magsabi sa kanya na may gusto kang bagay kasi kung mahal ka nya, gagawin nya ang lahat para maibigay nya sa ‘yo,”

What she and Dolphy went through was not easy.

“In loving the man I came to accept… Hindi po naging madali lahat ng yun. Pero he was worth it,” she said.

“Hindi ko na kailangan balikan ang nakaraan. Saksi kayo sa lalim ng pagmamahal na binigay ni Dolphy sa akin. At napatunayan niya nga sa loob ng 23 years kung gaano kalalim at katatag ang aming love story,” she added.

She said the family got closer when Dolphy was diagnosed with Stage 4 chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) two years ago.

“Naramdaman ko na talagang isang tunay kaming pamilya. Posible naman pala na kahit ang mga anak ni Dolphy ay nanggaling sa ibang nanay ay pwede naman kami magkaisa,” Padilla said.

Padilla also thanked television networks ABS-CBN and TV5 for supporting Dolphy’s career.

She said TV5 renewed Dolphy’s contract and continued to give his salary “despite knowing that he could never tape again.”

She thanked ABS-CBN for taking care of Dolphy’s legacy and preserving his body of work “for generations of Filipinos to enjoy in perpetuity.

“I know that this service will make Dolphy so happy dahil mula pa sa panahon ni Kapitan Geny Lopez, si Dolphy sa buhay, kamatayan at sa langit ay isang tunay na Kapamilya.”

I can’t remember when you weren’t there / When I didn’t care for anyone but you / I swear, we’ve been through everything there is / Can’t imagine anything we’ve missed / Can’t imagine anything the two of us won’t do / Through the years, you’ve never let me down / You’ve turned my life around / The sweetest days I found, I found with you / Through the years, I’ve never been afraid / I love the life we’ve made / Im so glad I stayed right here with you / Through the years

After the song, Padilla broke down in tears when she said: “Kagaya ng huling ibinulong mo sa akin bago ka mamaalam, lovey ko, I love you.”

Here are the lyrics of Through the years:

I can’t remember when you weren’t there
When I didn’t care for anyone but you
I swear we’ve been through everything there is
Can’t imagine anything we’ve missed
Can’t imagine anything the two of us can’t do

Through the years, you’ve never let me down
You turned my life around, the sweetest days I’ve found
I’ve found with you … Through the years
I’ve never been afraid, I’ve loved the life we’ve made
And I’m so glad I’ve stayed, right here with you
Through the years

I can’t remember what I used to do
Who I trusted, who I listened to before
I swear you taught me everything I know
Can’t imagine needing someone so
But through the years it seems to me
I need you more and more

Through the years, through all the good and bad
I KNOW how much we had, I’ve always been so glad
To be with you … Through the years
It’s better every day, you’ve kissed my tears away
As long as it’s okay, I’ll stay with you
Through the years

Through the years, when everything went wrong
Together we were strong, I know that I belong
Right here with you … Through the years
I never had a doubt, we’d always work things out
I’ve learned what life’s about, by loving you
Through the years

Through the years, you’ve never let me down
You’ve turned my life around, the sweetest days I’ve found
I’ve found with you … Through the years
It’s better every day, you’ve kissed my tears away
As long as it’s okay, I’ll stay with you
Through the years…

#RIPDolphy and learning about grief from the tweets of @ilovejamich

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Filipinos are mourning the loss of the Comedy King, the artist that made them laugh and lightened the day. My friend Samira says it so well ” Comedy brings us together. For an hour or so, we are transported into a make-believe zone where our everyday life is made fun about. We can actually laugh at ourselves and draw lessons from them.” Dolphy was so much a part of Filipino families for decades. When news of his death came out, no one wanted to believe it right away since it was not announced by a family member in social media.

Words of sympathy, feelings of loss were soon tweeted. One that caught the ire of the tweeps came from @ILoveJamich

Kasabay ng monthsary namin ay pumanaw na ang hari ng komedya 🙁 RIP Dolphy #Legendary #KingOfComedy

I didn’t know who Jamich was until I was told they were a youtube sensation. Clueless me didn’t know they won the #TattAwards and to think I was there that night.

Most of the reactions were anger towards their insensitivity. Their fans think there was nothing wrong with their tweet.

As an advocate on grief education, the tweet was insensitive to those mourning the loss. That single tweet felt like they were taking the solemnity and grief over the death of the Comedy king lightly. It felt like it trivialized the grief of others. The monthsary really had no place in that one tweet.

In times like these, words of comfort are all that will make it right. If there are no words, just “I am sorry” with a virtual “hug” will do. Perhaps @IloveJamich did not mean to hurt but they also need to understand why it didn’t come across well. Declaring monthsary and condolences in one tweet is just not appropriate.

Calling them out is the best way to make them understand not to do it again. Considering their fame, more attention is given to their tweets. We all learn from this not just @ILoveJamich

Why was their tweet insensitive?

In most of my meetings with the bereaved at the Compassionate Friends, a common complaint is the insensitivity of concerned friends or relatives. Of course, we know the depth of concern they have towards us but in their enthusiasm, they blurt out the most insensitive remarks.

Fans of Dolphy are also in grief and feel the same concern as the family.

It is understandable that the newly bereaved and even Dolphy fans are very sensitive to these remarks. Instead of bringing relief, those words just seem to add to the hurt and the grief. There are no words that will make it all right that someone we loved has died. But there are ways that can soothe the hurt, ease the loneliness and add to the healing.

Some think it is an over reaction

True, some tweets could be an over reaction but the grieving process is not the same for all. Just like each of us have a unique thumb print, each person grieve differently. So while some did not think nothing wrong of @IloveJamich tweet, others found it insensitive. Looking at the tweets, majority found @ILoveJamich tweets offensive.

Some ways to comfort the bereaved

Though this remark was in Twitter, it pays to know some ways to comfort. You can also check Words to comfort and compiled at The Compassionate Friends

1. DO feel free to touch , to hug and cry with them if these expressions are appropriate to your relationship. Tell them that you care about their pain and that you are sorry their loved one died. Avoid using I know how you feel, it’s God’s plan or God needed another angel. A simple hug can say more than a thousand words.

In social media, one can do it via a virtual hug or touch.

2. DO allow the grieving friend or relative to express their feelings, if they express that need. The pain involved in letting go, the anger, frustration and guilt are all a part of the normal grieving process, leaving them empty and without purpose for a long time. Allow them to tell you how they feel. Don’t tell them how you think they should feel. They just need you to listen. You aren’t expected to be able to take away the hurt or to have all the answers. Be careful of clichés, religious platitudes, or easy answers.

While some thought @IloveJamich was insensitive, the reaction of anger is part of the grief.

3. DO show your concern. Be there over the months on a regular basis. Allow them to tell you how they feel, and listen when they tell you. If you know a certain time of day is particularly difficult, do try to plan your visits to coincide with that time.

While this can’t be done on Twitter, it is alright to say that your thoughts are with the family and those fans who grieve along. One should not minimize the loss even if you don’t feel the same intensity of grief.

4. DO mention their loved one by name. It is comforting for the bereaved to know that others remember their loved one, too. Some people avoid mentioning the loved one’s name for fear it will trigger them of their loss. If tears come, then they needed to cry, and the tears may be tears of gratitude that you have given them the opportunity to share their loved one with you. If you have a good memory of their loved one, do share it. It will make their day and gives so much comfort.

That is why tributes are well accepted. It is comforting. So instead of saying the monthsary fell on the same date, one could just deliver a good anecdote to commemorate the Comedy King.

5. DO know that it is difficult for the newly bereaved to reach out to you for help. When you offer help, be specific. For example, you want to take them out for a ride, set a time and date. Make the effort to call, to come by, to help them out six months and even a year down the road. Crowds may be difficult for them. Shopping and holidays will be overwhelming. Offer your help.

If you are close to Mang Dolphy, any help is comforting as long as it is specific and not a general statement.

(For more information on how to help , here are some articles I’ve compiled on Helping Bereaved Family members.)

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Here are the reactions from Twitter:

Photo via thankfulfor.wordpress.com

Good-bye Mang Dolphy, the Comedy King

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““They say love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies.” ~ William Penn

I grew up with the Puruntong-Jones family in my teens, laughing my head off during the darkest years of Martial Law. A few minutes of laughter can really lift one’s mood. Though just a teen, I was very much aware of the political condition but I refused to dampen my spirits. From Mang John Puruntong, Kevin Kosme, Pacifica Palayfay , watching comedy shows was a diversion from my troubled thoughts. Laughter does help relieve stress. I carry laughter with me wherever I go.

Tonight, the sad news of a man who brought laughter into our household passed away at 8:34 PM. The Comedy King Dolphy died at the age of 83. I knew Dolphy suffered pneumonia for last couple of months. No matter how much one is prepared for the death of a loved one, it still hits hard. The pain that comes along with the grief starts crushing to the core is just excruciating.

My condolences to the Quizon family.

There are just no words of comfort to console you right now but the Filipino people who have been warmed by his comedy are grieving with you. We pray the love of God enfolds you during your difficult times and helps you heal with the passage of time.

The time will come when the pain will not be so bad that his memory will once again bring a smile to your lips. What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us. And you should always know, wherever you may go, no matter where you are, Mang Dolphy will never be far away.

As I always say over and over again, my loved ones are always in my heart. They are alive in my heart and my memories.

““To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.” ~Thomas Campbell

May the peace which comes from the memories of love shared, comfort you now and in the days ahead.

Photo via Inquirer

Dedma or Dead Malice

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I had a falling out with two friends a year ago. It doesn’t matter who they are. It started because I felt the need to confront them about their accusations on a certain issue
. But no, they refused confrontation and eventually distanced themselves from me.

I grew up in an environment where direct communication is important. I feel safe around direct, honest people. They speak their minds, and we know where we stand with them. The problem with non-confrontational people are they want us to speak in circles before getting to the point. Perhaps, I am not an acrobat of words but going straight to the point comes out rude and disrespectful to them.

Just recently, I met up with these friends. Funny how time heal wounds. Perhaps because I busied myself with pertinent matters instead of delving in those issues. Perhaps because I stopped gossip from entering my life. We talked animatedly as if nothing happened. Dedma? I think so.

Dedma is the attenuated form of the English words dead malice. Dead malice, in turn, is the literal translation of the Tagalog expression, patay malisya. It is conjugated thus: dedma, dinedma, dededmahin.

Source: Dedma 101

For the sake of diplomatic relations , I practice dedma. Is it being a hypocrite? Let’s look at the definition of dedma

1) To completely ignore/feign ignorance of the existence/presence of someone/something.
2) To snub, reject, or toss in the trash.
3) To pretend deafness or blindness in order to escape a sticky situation.

Definition 1 is more appropriate to my case. There are occasions when the best way to deal with a problem is to pretend it doesn’t exist. On such occasions the practical thing is to practice the art of dedma. I believe it is an effective tool when one wants to preserve family peace. I’ve always believed that we can’t change people, places and our past but we can change our attitude. My attitude is to acknowledge that they will refuse confrontation or discussion but I will just learn to live with it.

Just the same, it helps if people are a bit more direct. Indirect people , people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they’re feeling cannot really be trusted. We don’t know what’s ticking in their minds. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. It may catch us all by surprise. Directness saves time and energy. It lets go of martyrdom and silly mind games. It creates respectful relationships.

It feels safe to be around direct honest people. But if not, practice dedma.

What about you? Did the art of dedma ever help you in a sticky situation?

Growing up with the Puruntong-Jones family

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Dolphy’s critical condition suddenly brought me back to memory lane when John and Marsha aired weekly on RPN Channel 9 in 1973. In the early seventies, there were not many TV channels and interesting shows. Nothing much to distract a 15 year old teener. The cast always have me in stitches with their antics and funny quips.


Puruntong-Jones family(clockwise from top left Matutina, Doña Delilah G. Jones, Rolly J. Puruntong, Marsha J. Puruntong,John H. Puruntong and Shirley J. Puruntong. Photo via wikia.com)

John and Marsha TV show “starred Dolphy,Nida Blanca, Dely Atay-Atayan and Maricel Soriano with a cast of include John Purúntong (Dolphy), his wife Marsha (Nida Blanca), their children Rolly (Rolly Quizon), Shirley (Maricel Soriano). Later episodes show John-John, and the nagging mother-in-law Doña Delilah (Dely Atay-atayan). It ran every week for 17 years until 1990. ”

Growing up with Puruntong-Jones family until I had my own babies is quite a long time.

So what makes it so funny? For those who have never seen the series, wikipedia gives this short description.

Marsha Jones marries the impoverished John Purúntong much to the dismay of her wealthy mother, Doña Delilah. Although her daughter married the unemployed John, Doña Delilah often paid a visit to their house along with her maid, Matutína. When money was required, she would tell her maid Matutína to go sweep peso bills off the floor. Despite this, John rejects all the financial help Doña Delilah offers his family, the result of which is a hilarious exchange of insults between the two. The show ends with Doña Delilah’s loud catchphrase “Kayà ikáw, John, magsumíkap ka!” (“Therefore you, John, have to work hard!”) to insult John’s capability as the father of the household. They end up making amends, giving each other abrupt hugs with Doña Delilah exclaiming, “Peace man!” to proclaim peace. (Source: wikipedia)

In my teens, I could not imagine marrying someone who had no job. I found the whole show quite shallow but still fun to watch. I guess it was meant to be a satire type of entertainment. Lessons learned back then was that marriage is not simply just loving each other. One needed a stable source of income to meet daily needs of a family. Another lesson learned is laughing can be quite a stress reliever.

There are now calls to bestow Dolphy with the National Artist Award considering his outstanding contribution in the entertainment industry for decades. Dolphy played other memorable roles outside of John and Marsha.

Dolphy deserves this award. Millions of us appreciated his work for many years. Growing up with the Puruntong-Jones family was very much a part of our lives. Though technical reasons will prevent the National Commission on the Culture and Arts from giving him the award this year, things can still be fast-tracked.

““we should give it to the man who made us laugh for decades.”

Connecting to audio: via Bubbly.net & Ratsada Inquirer @dziq990

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Listen

If you want to hear my audio blog and radio show, here is the schedule.

1. Through Bubbly : Subscribe through your Globe. Dial the short code **8828 . You will hear a voice prompt telling you to press 1 to subscribe.

2. Through DZIQ 990 : Every Saturday 8:00 to 9:00 AM on AM radio DZIQ 990. Or follow on Twitter @dziq990. There is also livestreaming at dziq.am for those outside the country.

So I turned 55 years old last week with a bang! Who would think I’d embark on something so totally alien? Change can be disconcerting. Nothing endures but change.

What if I am a failure? What if it won’t work out? What if ? What if? See, I realized the key to change… is to let go of fear. It was the same feeling I got when I entered into blogging in 2006. What if no one reads me? What if? what if?

So many questions hounding me as I embark into the audio world: An audio blog at bubbly.net and as a co-host at Ratsada Inquirer at DZIQ 990 on your AM dial.

Bubbly.net

I first tried out Bubbly last month to add to my social media tools. Bubblyâ„¢ is a social messaging service where people share SMS and voice updates with friends, family, fans and followers. Think of Bubbly like ‘Twitter with a voice’ . It brings social networking to mobile phones. I first tried it out for fun because I think there are times when I won’t be able to post on twitter.

One day, I got a call from the Philippines Bubbly representative inviting me to be one of their premium celebrities along with Anton Diaz and Bo Sanchez to name a few.

This is how the app looks on your phone:

Bubbly is cool. At most you can listen to 90 seconds of update. It is neither too long nor too short.

How to listen to my Bubbly audio updates:

1. You can download the app through your iPhone or Android phone. Rates apply if you subscribe to my daily updates.

2. To subscribe to your Globe Phone, just dial **8828 and press 1 at the voice prompt . Rates apply. I believe it is 30 pesos a month.

3. You can listen to me for FREE if you are following me on Twitter since I do automatic posting there . My twitter name is @momblogger

I will be providing daily updates starting today. See, I am not used to talking so I had to practice my speaking voice on bubbly. Expect me to deliver constructive engagement in issues on family and society.

Co-hosting in Ratsada Inquirer

Ratsada sa Inquirer is an infotainment show every saturday morning 8:00 to 9:00 AM at DZIQ 990 which gives you substantive insights on the rundown of the news which happened during the week. It is hosted by Den Macaranas, veteran radio broadcaster and blogger Ricky Rivera. The latter invited me to be a co-host and discuss social media news.

I wasn’t too sure if I would be good. Since it is an AM station, it is a necessary to speak in Tagalog or Taglish. Tagalog is not my first language so I have problems with my accent and grammar. I can speak Cebuano though. During my first appearance on June 16 , I invited @tweetnirizal to join me. It turned out pretty well at least that was the feedback I got. My husband who I specifically told to stay away from the radio listened to it the whole time. He said I was good. Coming from him (my worst critic) then I believe I must have been okay .

Was it beginner’s luck? There I go again. So insecure of myself. I have to believe in myself that continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights. My only security is my ability to change.

Listen

If you want to hear my audio blog and radio show, here is the schedule.

1. Through Bubbly : Subscribe through your Globe. Dial the short code **8828 . You will hear a voice prompt telling you to press 1 to subscribe.

2. Through DZIQ 990 : Every Saturday 8:00 to 9:00 AM on AM radio DZIQ 990. Or follow on Twitter @dziq990. There is also livestreaming at dziq.am for those outside the country.

If you have ideas on content, please comment below.