National siblings day: We know each other’s hearts

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Once upon a time, seven siblings lived in an almost perfect world with a strict mom and a loving dad. It seemed almost perfect because the seven siblings played and laughed day in and day out. They were each other’s best friends. Their mother did not allow them to play with the neighbors because she wanted them to be close to each other.

family

That perfect world started to crumble when the mother died from breast cancer complications in 1976. Life was not the same without a motherly touch but their dad pulled it off so well. He became their mom and a dad at the same time. In 1990, the siblings decided to have a family reunion because they felt their dad was going to die anytime soon. Two siblings were already in America at that time and it was going to be the first time to see each other in years.

Shortly after, the 27 year old brother, Reuben died of fulminant Hepatitis A. Health authorities discovered that there was a Hepatitis A epidemic in their area about the time of the reunion. What perfect timing for the Hepatitis A virus! It seemed an evil witch carried a poisoned apple during their party. Four other siblings including Lauren suffered from Hepatitis A. They filed a case against Metro Cebu Water District (MCWD) and won the case 12 years later.

In 1999, a 40 year old brother, Oscar died of leukemia (AML- 6) after an unsuccessful stem cell transplant in Bethesda, Maryland.

Perhaps grief overtook their father after witnessing the deaths of his two sons and his wife. A parent should not have to bury a son. After burying Oscar, the dad collapsed, had surgery and became bedridden by the time of his death in 2003.

Only 5 siblings are left. Four sisters and One brother.


 family-reunion3

That is the brief story of the deaths in my family (aside from my son). Three of them are now living outside the Philippines while my other sister lives in Manila. During the past years, reunions centered upon the burying of the dead or dying. Does it have to be so? For me, I needed to be with my siblings because they are all I have left of my childhood, where I learned the gift of laughter, music, and service to community.
When all of these deaths fell upon my family some priest suggested the ““Healing of the Family Tree” and gave me a prayer. Each night, I was to recite this prayer hoping in the belief that the curse of family deaths would end. I didn’t believe in it. Instead, healing should begin in each one of us.

family-reunion1

 

We heal our family trees primarily by changing ourselves to be better persons, even much better than our ancestors could ever be. We heal our family trees by taking care of our health so our predisposition to certain genetic diseases will be curtailed. We heal our family trees by receiving a new nature through total commitment to God . Secondly, we heal our family trees by repentance and healing. The change starts in us. Healing starts in us. It was time to stop looking back at the past and move forward now.

family-reunion21

 

And that’s what we all did. I am proud of each of my siblings who have made it their life’s mission to volunteer, engage in civic duties, or do pioneer medical research to our respective community. I won’t toot their horns on this because we are only answerable to God.

I visited my  siblings in the US just to be with them, to laugh, to reminisce, to just be. Despite the deaths in our family, we, the five siblings felt life is too short to be bitter over the deaths in our family. What better time to reunite during happier times.

family-reunion

What does do good is doing good. For every action we take, the world is changed in some small way for the better, and then the actions taken become our living tribute to our loved ones. And then my siblings and parents are never entirely gone. They live in our actions.

I love my family.

And one day..the family of seven siblings and their mom and dad will be reunited together again in God’s time.

 

“To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.” ~Clara Ortega

My brother’s battle with Leukemia

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April 3 is the 16th death anniversary of my younger brother, Oscar. He died from a failed stem cell transplant. He was only 40 years old. Oscar was diagnosed with Acute myeloid leukemia (AML-M4) on September 1, 1996. Getting sick of leukemia is a logistical nightmare especially if one is looking for blood type AB donors.

A caricature of my brother in 1982 when he managed our bakeshop, Sally's Home Bake Shop

A caricature of my brother in 1982 when he managed our bakeshop, Sally’s Home Bake Shop

Our family worked diligently to support Oscar in his search for a cure, spanning hours and hours of research and inquiries through the internet and electronic mail. Research revealed that Oscar needed a stem cell transplant upon remission but unfortunately, he relapsed before we found a hospital within our budget. Cost of stem cell transplant ranged from 7 to 20 million pesos in 1998. The cheapest transplant was in Israel. To raise funds for his transplant, we put one of our properties for sale.

Fortunately, Oscar was eligible to participate in a Clinical trial at the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute (NHLBI) in Bethesda, Maryland. My sister’s friend who worked in that institute informed us of the clinical trial which was already in Phase 3. This phase is the second to the last step prior to making it a protocol among doctors. The stem cell transplant , medicines and hospitalization were free. Luck was also on our side because my sibling-doctor was an exact tissue match. The hospital required us to raise money for his board and lodging outside the hospital. Total budget for the 6 month stay was estimated to reach only 600 thousand pesos. Everything seemed perfect.

Oscar made the brave choice to undergo a stem cell transplant, knowing that there was a 50-50 chance he would survive, and that he had to take that risk. (View videotape of his reflections after the transplant )

The stem cells never had a chance to grow because of sepsis. After 6 months in NHLBI, the doctors sadly announced that he had to return to the Philippines. I guess the doctors decided they couldn’t do anything for him so they sent him home. Oscar, thin and black from the radiation treatment arrived on March 29, 1999. I held his frail hand and prayed quietly that God deliver him from his pain.

He smiled at me ” At least, we did not have to spend our inheritance to pay for my treatment”

We talked until he was tired. Knowing his days were numbered, I slept beside him that night .

Oscar held on to the hope that there was a chance to recover . Inspite of his optimism, he prepared for his death. He videotaped instructions for his two sons on how to run his lechon business, deposited college funds , dictated his last will and testament and discussed other matters.

On April 3, 1999, Oscar suffered a brain hemorrhage and died a few hours later.

When a sibling dies, all future special occasions will be forever changed. There will be no more shared birthday celebrations, anniversaries, or holidays. There will be no telephone calls telling of the milestones of a nephew or niece. The sharing of life’s unique and special events will never again take place.

In tribute to the memory of my brother, I created a memorial site which includes midi files of his compositions and some photos and legacies. I can just hear him playing his award-winning musical piece, Pangarap ng Musmos which is now a church song. Oscar is having a blast playing the piano with my son, my mom, dad and Ruben, another brother in heaven.

What do #PinaysWantNow ? How will Filipino women #MakeItHappen?

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I have a lot of dreams for my children.  It is my hope that our country will change for the better. I have hopes that our future politicians will do their jobs and “walk the talk”. As a mother, all I want is a better future for my children. Most mothers want this.

mothers at yolanda

I know some of you may think that our country is hopeless and even as a mother, we can feel helpless at times. It can be disheartening. I am not helpless. We are not really helpless. I can solve most of my problems. I have the power to solve the problems that is mine to solve. In my own little way, I contribute to the society through my children and using social media tools to advocate social change for social good.

I believe that hard times can motivate us to bring out our best. That choice is ours. We don’t need to have stress or hard times to change ourselves but if it happens, we can learn to channel it into achieving what’s good in our life.

international womens day

While some issues are outside our control, I want to know what Filipino women want and for our government to know these issues and act on it.

International Women’s Day 2015 Theme is MAKE IT HAPPEN. All around the world, International Women’s Day represents an opportunity to celebrate the achievements of women while calling for greater equality. Make It Happen is a wonderful theme to encourage effective action for advancing and recognising women.

pinays want now

Various organisations identify their own International Women’s Day theme, specific to their local context and interests . The Philippines very own Gabriela Philippines initiated the hashtag campaign #PinaysWantNow. What do #PinaysWantNow?

A break, a warm shower, or a hug? An end to violence, poverty and injustice? Let the world know what you want, what women want, what Filipinas want. A day before March 8, International Women’s day, Gabriela started tweeting and sharing infographics like this one below:

gabriela

Some of the tweets talked about gender equality, a HAPPY HOME with no economic crisis, end to rape and other sexual abuses , end of poverty, a safer country for our kids, safety and security in public spaces and public transport. Others called for the resignation of President Aquino and truth and accountability. Gabriela calls for ” System Change, not just piecemeal reforms, revolving door politics.”

Photo via Pinoy Weekly. Some rights reserved.

Photo via Pinoy Weekly. Some rights reserved.

Inday E. Varona wrote a comprehensive list on what #PinaysWantNow

A world where “babae ka” (you’re a woman) is no longer used as an admonition;
A world where men and women imbibe the best of their “learned” traits and help each other do away with unjust, discriminatory habits;
A world where their children’s lives are no longer interrupted by war;
A world where their partners no longer have to leave to fight for a better world;

A world where one’s sexual orientation is no longer “news” and civil status no longer matters;
A world where language is no barrier to the poor taking part in democratic discourse and decision-making;
A world where men and boys take pride in the ability to weep;
A world where women do not have to be imitation men to succeed.

An end to domestic violence;
An end to the mindset that says some people deserve “rape” — or worse;
An end to prejudice against age or gender in the workplace;
An end to the belief that motherhood is a barrier against productivity.

Photo via Gabriela. Some rights reserved.

Photo via Gabriela. Some rights reserved.

How do we make all our calls for change to happen? How will we make it happen? The #PinaysWantNow won’t end on Women’s Day. Not many of us can go to the streets like the strong and courageous Gabriela women. If we can, why not? But for most of us who can’t leave our homes , social media is a tool to advocate social change for social good. Not everyone is born to be an organizer or want to participate in all activities in a community. It is important to start a community even if it is online and maintain a core group to set a single, focused goal to provide direction, motivation and operational guidance.

Using social media as a tool for advocacy works because of “low (or no) hard costs for set-up; potentially wide reach; quick/instantaneous sharing of messages; new opportunities to listen, engage, and monitor your progress.” Let’s continue to push the messages of #PinaysWantNow today and tomorrow until we have achieved the changes we want.

Here are more tweets that answer what #PinaysWantNow.

originally posted on BlogWatch.

To love and to be loved by you, our child,…an honor and so blest.

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valentine's day from my sonIt was sometime January 2004 as I was wheeled through the Operating room of the Philippine Heart Center for an angiogram procedure. Three doctors told me that my heart had blocked arteries and I will need an angioplasty. Two diagnostic tests revealed the necessity for an angioplasty. At that time, all I could think of was the expense, something like 500,000 pesos ($10,000). As I hovered between sleepy state and consciousness , I remember thinking that it was alright to die. I would soon be rejoined by my son. No big deal. As I lay there on the operating table, my cardiac surgeon motioned me to watch the procedure on the TV screen. The sight of my beating heart made me queasy . A few minutes later, the surgeon announced “There is no blockage”

I sought for my sister, a doctor who watched the procedure. She confirmed that I didn’t need angioplasty.

I found out that I had a “spastic heart” which didn’t require an angioplasty. My grief during the past 4 years took a toll on my heart.

In the recovery room over 11 years ago, I mulled over the death of my son . Life did go on even if my heart was broken. I didn’t know how physically broken it was. Our heart is fragile even if the heart muscles are strong. It goes on beating even during the darkest hours . When devastation made its mark , it felt like my heart would never know joy again. The diagnosis awakened something in me. God had given me another chance in life, perhaps to help others or continue to give love to others. One thing I knew for certain, that day marked my road towards a healthier grief journey. I discovered that the heart mends itself, but not like before. There is a scar in my heart which will always remain there. There is a tender spot inside where once the gap was wide. It is healing.

I am grateful that my heart is healing . I am grateful to be alive to give love and receive love.

Happy Love Day to all.
—–

My precious Valentine’s Day Memory. Though death has taken you away from me, my son, my love for you will never die. Love never dies.
happy valentine

“To love and to be loved by you, our child,…an honor and so blest,
Our time on earth cut short, it’s true … But We Sealed It With a Kiss.”

Manulife’s Bundle of Joy advocacy , one way of securing your family’s future

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I still remember my first pregnancy, my first bundle of joy. It was such a beautiful occasion yet filled with anxiety. What will the future hold ?

bundle of joy

I wanted to make sure my babies would have the basic needs in life like education, food and extra curricular activities. I was stay-at-home-mom because I wanted to be there for my children, to be part of their development and see them grow.  I am glad that God has been good to us and we never lacked for anything because I knew my priorities in the household.   New parents are fortunate these days because of the availability of information in family finance.  To help expectant parents or parents of newborns journey into their new life stage, Manulife Philippines has now made life insurance more accessible through its “Bundle of Joy” advocacy. Anyone who wants to build a more secure future for themselves and their family is invited to be a part of Manulife’s Bundle of Joy community by signing up here.

Expectant moms and dads, and parents of children under one year of age are entitled to a FREE one-year term life insurance coverage worth PhP 100,000. Furthermore, everyone who registers online can also access good reads and helpful tips from experts,  join various promotions and win exciting prizes and freebies.

Ryan Charland President & CEO Manulife Philippines with kids during the launch of Bundle of Joy Advocacy

Ryan Charland President & CEO Manulife Philippines with kids during the launch of Bundle of Joy Advocacy

I was able to interview Ryan Charland, President and Chief Executive Officer, Manulife Philippines on the other products and services they will offer. With this promotion, Manulife will surely have a database of parents , and from there, Manulife will engage with the parents to see what they can offer. He adds “Manulife’s Bundle of Joy is part of our continued advocacy to reach, secure and protect as many Filipino families as possible.”

With the help of Manulife’s Bundle of Joy,  parents will be able to access life insurance coverage by having them register online and become part of a community that can support their responsibility as parents. I do hope Manulife tries to reach out to these new parents. I know one of the concerns for parents is the college education of their children.  The Bundle of Joy advocacy is a great start.  Financial protection should be in every new or expectant parent’s checklist as the first step towards securing their family’s future.

Just visit  Manulife’s Bundle of Joy website at www.manulifebundleofjoy.com.ph or like Manulife Philippines’ Facebook fan page at www.facebook.com/ManulifePH.

 

 

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”

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Happy New year. Tonight, it will only be the noise of my “torotot” and the 2007 video of this firecracker explosion from our neighbors. I remember how the explosion deafened me for a few minutes . It was the worst explosion I witnessed. I could only take a minute video. Listen to it.

Tonight, I will pray for the victims of Seniang. So many deaths and loss to property. While everyone was in a holiday mode, parts of Visayas and Mindanao experienced flashfloods, landslides that were unexpected. I know 2015 seems bleak while we experience this heartbreaking yearender. I continue to hope that the Philippines will recover from this. I hope that more Filipinos are discerning towards choosing their leaders.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” says Albert Einstein. Let’s also remember Mother Teresa when she said “Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”

I expect good things for myself and my loved ones despite the Seniang storm late this year.

1. When I wonder what is coming, I tell myself the best is coming, the very best in life and love have to offer, the best God will send and claim it as mine.

2. I see the best in my mind and envision what it will look like and feel like.

3. After I have envisioned the good things, I let it go and come back to the present moment. I will not obsess. I become excited.

word cloud for year 2015

Today, as the year ends, I am full of gratitude for all that I received this year. Good and bad.

I will wait and expect good things for 2015.

To all my readers, I hope that when you think about the year ahead, you will focus on the good that is coming.

New is the year, new are the hopes, new is the resolution, new are the spirits, and new are my warm wishes just for you. Have a promising and fulfilling New Year. Happy New Year!

Golden 2015 Happy New Year Greeting Card With Sparking Spot Ligh

The Christmas letter my daughter wrote 10 years ago, that changed my life.

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christmas greeting card

Early this year, I cleared up all the junk that was piling at home.  Lying beneath all that clutter , I spotted this  special Christmas card, that my daughter gave me on December 24, 2004. Yes, exactly 10 years ago. I clearly remember myself 10 years ago. I was like a zombie, grief stricken from the loss of my beloved son and avoided  social contact with friends and relatives, except immediate family. It had been four years since my son died but still, I felt I was  holed up in the deepest pit, trying to  find the light that would bring me to a new normal.   I was borderline obese and ugly.   Not only that, I was a controlling mother and an indifferent wife.  So, when I read Lauren’s greeting card, I suddenly saw a tiny ray of light…and felt a knot in my throat. GUILT.

 

christmas greeting card 1

With my daughter’s permission, I am copying the contents of her beautiful letter.  So  wise beyond her 18 years, I want you to read it for yourself:

 

December 24, 2004

Dearest Mom,

I thought I’d write you a short Christmas letter as a token of my gratitude for everything that you’ve done for me.  I mean, you’ve done so much for me and…. and Dad and you put so much effort into making holidays like this memorable and magical for  all of us. You’ve done a wonderful job and I appreciate it very much.

I see you do so many things for us, and sometimes I wonder if you do anything for yourself. It’s okay for you to take care of us but I think you need to take more care of yourself. I guess I’m a bit worried about what you will do with your life after M and I leave the nest. I think it would be nice for you to go out once in a while, relax and just have fun and not attend to family duties. Take a break and be yourself.

I guess the reason why I’m telling you this is because even if I don’t show it very often, I do love you and I am concerned about you, I want you to be happy , and I want to know if you will be all right two or three years  from now when I go off and start my own life.

You and I are very different from one another and I hope you understand that even though I’d like to do everything you ask of me, I’m my own person too. And sometimes I do things not so I could piss you off, but because it’s something I want for myself.  And while I know you are constantly worried about me because it’s your job to, I thought I’d let you know that I’m going to be just fine.

Merry Christmas , Mom. I love you.

Love from

Your daughter, Lauren

 

When I showed Lauren this letter , I asked her how I turned out…10 years after. Did I pass the mark?

“I guess”, my wise daughter nods.

Here are a few things I did the following year:

2005

– Finally gave my daughter the approval to continue the relationship with someone I did not approve

– Enrolled at Fitness First to lose excess weight

– gave my husband an ultimatum, to shape up or our marriage is over

– Co-founded the grief support group for bereaved parents, The Compassionate friends in December 2005

2006

– started this blog

I believe I am taking care of myself more than I did 10 years ago. I lost all those excess pounds. I feel pretty oh so pretty. My social life and career as a mom blogger and citizen advocate make life so worth living. I also believe I am a better person than I was ten years ago. Yes, my home is now an empty nest and it gets lonely at times but I found something to be busy with– working for the future of this country.I want to make a difference in my children’s lives by making a difference in the world.  And I have four cats to keep me company aside from my husband. I hope my daughters are proud of me because I am proud of myself. I hope they will count the times I worked hard to attain this new normal than those times I fell in that pit.

 

Being a mother can be the greatest opportunity for growth. Our children show us possibilities , that there is a new world out there. The struggle to be our best “when the stakes are so high offers us a chance to be introspective and explore ideas we might not have ever considered.” I encourage parents to explore these possibilities and integrate everything our children are trying to teach us. We learn so much from them.

Thank you, my dear daughters for raising your mother well.

Miss nothing , a touching video for overseas Filipinos

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“Christmas is the most important celebration of the year for many Filipinos and its essence lies in precious moments shared with the family. In this project, we provide the opportunity for families to come together in one hub, regardless of their actual location, and share memories seamlessly, like they’re never apart.” – Ryan Morales, Google Philippines Country Marketing Manager

google hangout

Over 13 million Filipinos live abroad, away from their families including my daughter and three siblings. This will be my second Christmas without my daughter at our home in the Philippines. It is lonely without her. My family is not complete. I console myself by thinking that Home is where the heart is. Your home is whatever place you long to be. I use Viber to chat with my daughter, though . Sometimes, it is better to use email so it does not get lost in the clutter of the chat box. My daughter uses WhatsApp to communicate with her sister. There are countless ways to connect with our loved ones abroad. This Christmas, +Google Philippines pays tribute to them through a video.It is so touching. Initial feedback from friends in my facebook wall is positive and uplifting

The message of the video is one can share the everyday no matter the distance. Google does this by having a balikbayan website at g.co/balikbayan.. At the Balikbayan website, “users can learn how to use Google tools like Hangouts, Search, and Maps can help them adjust to their new lives and countries, while still keeping in touch with their loved ones still in the Philippines. OFWs can also visit the Google+ Community called OFW Circle to connect with other OFWs around the world.”

My sister found the video so touching “I can really feel for our overseas Filipinos (because I am one of them).” The pangs of loneliness are just more pronounced on Christmas because most associate it with family.

google PH miss nothing

Like I said, I console myself. Truly our home is where the heart is. My heart will always be with my two girls and my siblings. They will forever be my home. My brother is in Abu Dahbi which is another home, and my two other sisters are in California, another home to me. Europe is now one of my homes. My home is dear to me. My home is where my family is at this very moment wherever they may be, even if they are now are scattered all over the world.

Holiday Blues- Sad, Lonely and Depressed

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holiday_bluesTis the season to be jolly…fa-la-la-la-la. Right, it may be a season to be jolly for some of us but there are a few out there who experience the holiday blues for so many reasons. I can see it in the emails I receive. I am not a therapist but for some reason, more and more visitors email me asking for advice for all sorts of reason. Of course, their questions are for my eyes only. They are sad, lonely and depressed. The suicide rate is even the highest during this holiday season. How I wish I could help but I am not a professional counselor though I can offer friendly advice. I’ve gathered a few tips for those feeling the holiday blues. As you might know, the holiday blues is defined as a feeling of sadness, loneliness, depression and even anxiety that often occur in and around the holiday season.” You or your loved one might be having a temporary spell of the blues without knowing it. There is nothing abnormal about having the “holiday blues,” which are more like a mood than any sort of lasting condition. Depression, anxiety, and other psychological symptoms are associated with the holidays because this season brings back memories of a happier time in our lives.

Who experiences the Blues?

People who might be at risk for feeling blue at the holidays include:

  • Someone who has a death in the family
  • Someone who has experienced financial setbacks at the holidays
  • Someone who is separated from loved ones at the holidays with work, military obligations or other reasons
  • Someone who has experienced other losses – moving, recent difficult medical diagnosis
  • Someone who has experienced a change in lifestyle – getting married, getting divorced, new baby
  • Someone who tends to be depressed, stressed, anxious

holiday bluesHow will you recognize you have the blues?

  • Headaches
  • An inability to sleep or sleeping too much
  • Changes in appetite that cause either weight loss or gain
  • Agitation and anxiety
  • Excessive or inappropriate feelings of guilt
  • Diminished ability to think clearly or concentrate
  • Decreased interest in activities that usually are enjoyable, such as: food, sex, work, friends, hobbies and entertainment.

blue christmasHow does one cope with the Holiday Blues?

For anyone feeling blue during the holidays can follow some very basic, common sense steps to help in coping with the blues.

  • Take things one day at a time and if need be one hour at a time.
  • Try and maintain a normal routine. Keep doing your normal daily activities.
  • Get enough sleep or at least enough rest.
  • Regular exercise, even walking, helps relieve stress, tension and improve moods.
  • Eat a healthy, balanced diet. Limit high calorie foods and junk food.
  • Avoid using alcohol, medications or other drugs to mask the pain.
  • Do those activities or things and be with the people that comfort, sustain, nourish and recharge you.
  • Remember the healthy coping strategies you have used in the past to survive challenges. Draw on these strengths again.

Walk-Away-the-Holiday-Blues-Stress

What does one do to feel less blue during the Holidays?

There are several things that can help in making it easier to manage the blues.

  • Determine your priorities and establish realistic goals for the holidays.
  • Delegate some responsibilities to others.
  • Take time for yourself.
  • Minimize financial stressors by setting a budget and sticking to it.
  • Enjoy free holiday activities.
  • Think about giving a free gift from your heart. Your time or your presence.
  • Be around supportive people.
  • Volunteer and help someone else.
  • Create a New Holiday Tradition.
  • Find a new place or a new way to celebrate.

Source: Holiday Blues – Feeling Sad, Lonely or Depressed During the Holidays?

For those facing Christmas alone for the first time due to death of a loved one, I encourage you to reach out to someone you trust and share your feelings with them. Devote a place and time before Christmas Day in which you can openly honor your loved one and acknowledge your feelings. On Christmas Day, intentionally set your focus on family and friends who not only share in your loss, but who bring precious gifts of love and support to aid in your healing journey.

Be aware that the hurts of a loss, a broken relationship, or simply of being alone are magnified during the holiday. Look for those around you who are hurting and care for them, spend time with them, love them.

For those that lost a child, here are two posts I wrote ,on Coping and Surviving Christmas and Handling the Holidays.

Just know that while the Holiday Blues can be emotional, intense and upsetting, these feelings tend to be temporary and last at the most for about 2 weeks. The Blues end and people generally feel better once the holiday season is over and get back into their normal daily routine.

For many years after my son died, Christmas was a dreaded holiday by my husband. In turn, I dreaded his sour mood. Today, I look forward to the holiday season more than ever. I smile and sigh that finally my husband is able to handle the holidays a little bit better. I gather in my blessings and count them all. I count the blessings of the most important people in my life and I find the peace that comes with counting a holiday of joy remembered and love shared. Love never dies, and the light always shines in our hearts and home.

Image via blog.carvana.com

Life is short. Have a love affair with yourself.

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There is a lot of buzz on this Ashley Madison, “married dating company” that is now active in the Philippines. Imagine there are now 2,500 users. The Philippines is even seeking to block this “Ashley Madison adultery website”. The site “invites married folks to commit adultery without getting caught. The 12-year-old site which was founded in Canada is reportedly going strong in Catholic countries abroad. With the success of such teleseryes like “The Legal Wife” and “Two Wives,” the people behind Ashley Madison expect the Philippines to become one of their top five markets.”

ashley madison

Thanks to media for making affairs look so exciting.

Christoph Kraemer, the company’s European communications director and spokesperson told ABS-CBN that some of their users, ” say their relationship with their spouses improved after having an affair. It’s like the spark and passion were reignited. And it’s very telling that in its 12 years of existence and 30 million members, not once have [we] been been cited in a court case as a reason to get a divorce. We don’t endanger a marriage, we actually help save a marriage”.

CEO Noel Biderman told the New York Observer: “Infidelity is happening [in Muslim countries] anyway….In the Muslim world, I can provide women the opportunity to have discreet affairs and not risk their marriages, or something more severe.”

Ashley Madison FAQ says that the site does not, in fact, encourage infidelity. “In fact, if you are having difficulty with your relationship, you should seek counseling.”

I can’t relate to why people cheat. Charles Orlando wrote an article “Why Women Cheat: A Married Man Goes Undercover On Ashley Madison “. Here are some of his reflections:

Some were looking to have sex, period. Others were looking to subsidize their current relationship with a human connection… and if it led to sex, even better. But all were clear that they were not leaving their current relationship. These weren’t monkeys getting a grip on the next branch before letting go of the first. They just wanted to feel what they used to feel from the man in their life.

The most common complaint was a lack of passion and effort by the man in their current relationship. It makes sense. When a man begins dating a woman, he puts in tons of effort; he woos her. Once she’s “his,” he stops putting in that effort, but she still longs for it. She wants to be desired, seduced, and connected with on a regular basis.

See , it was all about the lack of passion. Something was needed to spice it up. But does it have to be a married dating website?

I don’t know enough to understand how this dating website works. If that is your kind of thing, it is not mine. I will speak for myself. Call me old-fashioned and traditional but if I want to rekindle the passion in my marriage, I will not have an affair. Yes, using this dating website is having an affair because there is psychological cheating. Doing so devalues my human dignity. I love myself too much to resort to cheating. Yes, I did have marital problems. Instead of blaming my husband, I worked on myself. Our married life has never been better. There are the occasional irritants but I choose my battles.

love-yourself-first
Like I said, infidelity occurs once you date someone , even from a distance. I have found ways to spice my life , with or without my husband. In the end, it strengthened my marriage . Here is what I did:

1. I recall what made me fall in love with my husband and worked on that memory. It helped that I had a diary that chronicled the conversations of sweet nothings.

2. Good friends especially my girl-friends spice up my life. Oh how we talk honestly about our sex life during coffee. Even if I may encounter challenges, my deep love and commitment motivates me to work things out. Male friends are good too but I prefer that they are with my girl-friends in the same conversation.

3. Most of all, loving myself unconditionally I am a strong believer that if you love yourself first, love overflows. I worked on how I looked. I went to the gym and lost those excess fats. I reinvented my fashion style and stopped wearing frumpy clothes that hid my fats. Taking in a new career in blogging also helped because it exposed me to new friendships and experiences.

I believe , “You cannot give what you do not have.” I find that I am a better wife, a better mother, a more compassionate friend, after I spent time nurturing myself.

4. Believe in giving second chances. It takes two to a marriage. I knew I had to take care of myself , first and foremost. I had to give myself a second chance. A second chance to be a more loving wife and mother. A second chance to be more financially independent and a second chance to be a better person.

It takes two to make a relationship work. It is easy to blame the other partner if something fails in a relationship. I used to blame my husband for every little thing without even checking if I too had my faults. When I took away the focus from my husband and turned to myself, wonderful things happened to me, my family and my life, in general.

Life is short. Enjoy. Make the most out of it. Start with having a love affair with yourself.