One of my daughters noticed the red and green colored fire extinguishers I placed in every room of the house. I ignored her question as I pointed to the fire exits in their respective bedrooms and gave a quick lecture on how to use the fire extinguishers.
One daughter asked, “if we’re gonna die, we’re gonna die”
I merely nodded.
One effect of losing a child , particularly if death is sudden and unexpected , is that we become newly aware of the fragility of life. If this tragedy can befall us, what next? We can become fearful, almost paranoid.
I became “slightly” paranoid after Luijoe’s death but I just kept that to myself in the early days of my grief journey.
When my girls used to live with me, I could not bear it if the girls didn’t send me text messages on their whereabouts. “Text me where you are. Call me if you’re on the way. Make sure the driver was not drinking .” are text messages that constantly barrage their cellphones. Thank goodness, these girls humor me all the time by reassuring me they are fine.
Yet I believe that I am not overdoing it as I still allow them to go out and have fun.
So to answer that question. Am I paranoid?
I really don’t want to give an impression to my daughters that I am afflicted with paranoia. But lately, TV reports on fire accidents have been bothering me. A few months ago, a bereaved mother advised me to install smoke alarms on the ceilings. She lost her daughter through a fire accident. It happens even to the best homes. Remember Gina de Venecia’s daughter who got trapped in her bedroom because of heavy steel grills in her windows? or those 3 family members that died of suffocation in their Corinthian Gardens’ home? I couldn’t find smoke alarms in hardware stores or I just didn’t know where to find it. So the next logical step was a thorough electrical wiring inspection and fire prevention means like the fire extinguishers and fire exits.
The news about crime in major television shows are just alarming. All I can do is pray for the safety of everyone.
In answer to the question of my daughter. “I am just being careful, dear.”
My home has been a semi-empty nest since 2010 when my second child flew to Australia to work then eventually taking her post-graduate studies. During college, they lived in dorms close to their school in Quezon City when we used to live in Makati. That wasn’t too bad because I saw them once a week.
Nothing hits hard when the last child finally leaves home. My eldest daughter moved to her condominium on May 1. She had been paying for her “shoebox” as she calls it since she was 22 years old. I am proud that she is a property owner at so young an age . The fact that she saved a huge portion of her salary to invest in this property the last three years or so is quite an achievement.
My second daughter moved to Germany on April 30 and is officially an OFW. I am just as proud of her academic achievements and getting a job in Europe for the next three years. At her age, I traveled around Europe. The difference is , she gets to work there. She is truly blessed.
I have been preparing for this but when the day finally came, it hits a raw nerve. I would always whine during their last few months at home…”Oh you are leaving me. I will miss you”.
Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them. Children should learn to be independent from their parents as soon as they are able to. I wanted them to feel that they can survive on their own, yet having their parents close by. My mom died of breast cancer when I was a teen-ager. If that should have happened to me, I did not want them to feel helpless. Though I lived on my own after college, I felt my girls lived a sheltered life. I prepared them for it. They slept with me on the family bed till they left for college. It is a nice warm feeling having them close in my arms. The family bed ritual gave them a feeling of security as they ventured on their own.
I have long accepted that my children are riding off into their own future, maybe as shakily or as steadily as when they rode the first bike I gave them. Maybe it is my turn to have this shaky feeling at times.
I have no regrets. As a full-time homemaker , I gave up a career and took care of them during their growing years.
I am grateful for blogging which gives me an avenue to pursue a passion, doing something good for the country and the future of my children. It offers a distraction from the loneliness that hits me hard during this time of the month.
I can’t suppress this pang of sadness and loneliness because it is Luijoe’s 13th angel date, today.
If Luijoe were alive, I would still have a child around the house because he would only be 19 years old.
If Luijoe were alive, he would probably be with me, hugging me every now and then till he is 23 years old until he decides to travel abroad like my second daughter did.
If Luijoe were alive, the sound of a child’s footsteps on the hallway and cries of “mom” would still fill the air.
If. if…it is my grief talking and knowing that love never dies … and the sadness of having no children at home at times like these. Oh well, there are my two cats, the two helpers and my husband to keep me company.
I know this crushing sense of grief is just for today.
Don’t judge me unless you have looked through my eyes, experienced what i have, and cried as many tears as me. Until then back-off, cause you have no idea.
Today Matthew Warren died of suicide. He is the son of Rick and Kay Warren who must be facing the most painful moment in their lives. There is no pain more gut-wrenching than losing a child. My heart and prayers go out to them at this most difficult time.
““No words can express the anguished grief we feel right now,” Warren wrote in a letter to his congregation.
A long time ago, I too lost a son and I found hope and courage in Rick Warren’s The Purpose-driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? . The book inspired me to move beyond the pain of losing a son and work on my new normal. Because the book talks about starting a service, I initiated the The Compassionate Friends Philippines Chapter with the help of Cathy Babao and Alma Miclat.
I can’t be there to hug Rick and Kay Warren for their loss and thanking them too for giving me the courage to live this new normal after the death of my son. What I can do is to continue on with my advocacy on suicide prevention and grief education such as ways to comfort the bereaved.
In most of my meetings with the bereaved, a common complaint is the insensitivity of concerned friends or relatives. I see it also in some of the insensitive tweets addressed to Rick Warren questioning the circumstances of his death. Some may not know what to say and blurt out the wrong words.
I have had my own share. I know the depth of concern they have towards us but in their enthusiasm, they blurt out the most insensitive remarks. Newly bereaved are very sensitive to these remarks.
Many parents feel they were being unjustly judged and criticized by those who could not possibly understand because they have not experienced the loss of a child. Compassionate Friends USA shares the proper response.
Our wonderful, concerned, well-meaning friends don’t know. They can only imagine how the newly bereaved feel. They haven’t personally known (thank God) the disbelief, the shock, the anger of losing a child or any loved one. Instead of bringing relief, those words just seem to add to the hurt and the grief. There are no words that will make it all right that someone we loved has died. But there are ways that can soothe the hurt, ease the loneliness and add to the healing. Recently, my sister visited The Compassionate Friends to get tips on how to comfort a family whose daughter died of suicide.
The Holy Week holds a special meaning in my heart as it’s during this time that my precious son talked about eternal life. How would I have known that he was preparing himself for his death?
“When I die, I will be alive again“,
Luijoe (with excitement), a month before he became an angel.
A month or so before Luijoe went to heaven, he asked me questions about angels, death, heaven and graves. I don’t exactly remember when Luijoe started to ask me those things.
Prayers-Let us send this to the families of the Tausugs. Some of them are reading our posts. (via
Yolanda O. Stern)
In Tausug version
Kainaan, duwa-ahe niyo in mga kaanakan amun nagluwas lungsad hasupaya kamu sumannang. Bang siya makauwih ha wayna kawul pag sarahakan na siya pa Nagpapanjari.,
Mga Kaanakan, anak takamu. Gulgula niyo ako iban ayaw kamu mabugha’, pasandunga niyo yan da ako ha raig niyo.
Hapag lagguh niyo, lasaha niyo he Inah niyo iban sin mga taymanghud niyo. Iban gulgula he amah mo bang hapag balik niya wayna kawul iban baytae siya sin kalasahan mo siya.
Kaasawahan, wayna sasakit sakit dain sin kalawaan kakasi. Duwaa kaw amun tiyaymah sin Tuhan in pagbaug niya iban bang mayan in Sabah makabalik da pa mga Ahlus Suluk.
Mga Kaput Balis sin Sultan: Bang mayan kamu halawum kusug, pangannal mahantap iban pangatayan malanuh misan pa in kaawnan niyo halawum kasigpitan.
Hitukbal ko kaniyo in sasalaman bang magdul in Tuhan makabalik kamu buhih.
Ha mga sila Timakliad na: Kamu na in mga tau gagandilan saltah iban sin dayaw, liyagguh namuh in pagluwas lungsad niyo.
English version
Hold Fast your Hearts!
Mothers, pray for the sons who went home with the currents to seek for you a better roof. If he comes back not to say hello, close you eyes and embrace the heaven at your feet.
Daughters, you are also mine. I hug you close and keep your fears so close to me. Imagine me next to you. Life will go on. You will grow up. Be good to your mother, brothers and sisters, hug your Father if he returns and tell him you love him.
Wives, there is no hole left bigger in a heart, than the one left by a lost beloved. Pray that he has entered Heaven and pray that Sabah shall one day, return to the people.
Royal Sultanate Force: May you sit in your hour of darkness with Clarity of Mind, Honesty at Heart, and Strength of Body for the fight that may not let you see the dawn . I will say my goodbye and if the Almighty bring you safely home, Heaven on Earth is possible.
In Memoriam: You are the gentlest yet the bravest men, we honor you in death.
For many years, my family greeted the Christmas season with great joy and heavy despair. Every Christmas without my son, I sensed my husband saying “I’m not ready yet….”I’m not ready for the annual flood of memories without Luijoe. “ Butch dreaded the sight of the cheerful Christmas decorations especially Santa Claus. I wasn’t ready either but I had two surviving children who wanted to celebrate Christmas. They experienced many magical Christmas memories so my daughter once wrote in a Christmas greeting card. How could I take that away from them? I tried to figure out how to handle the holidays I’m never going to be ready for in places I may never be settled in. I thought…as long as we have the stockings up and Christmas tree and cookies ready, then let the holidays come!
I decorated our new home (our new normal?) with the treasures that speak of our Christmas history, finding joy in the memories they sparked. As I caressed Luijoe’s stockings on my cheeks , the flood of memories spill out. It was even more stressful during the first Christmas without my son. I wasn’t ready for the clutch of pain that wrapped my heart in grief as I placed the ornaments on our tree. Oh yes, I have learned through the years. I brought some of the old, added a few pieces of new and practiced the art of blending yesterday with today in hopes of creating another memory for tomorrow. That’s how the “Christmas Angels theme” evolved in our home, in honor of our own angel, Luijoe.
I created two color themes for our Christmas decors, the traditional red and green for the informal family den and burgundy, purple and silver theme in the formal living area. Maybe I just wanted to be creative and innovated for the sake of my new normal , my new life without my son. I never got the chance to be in total despair because I baked Christmas goodies like sugar cookies , food for the gods, fruit cake and the Gingerbread man cookies. I started the Christmas Angel themes as a symbol that Luijoe is not far from home, that he lives with us. Joyful activities like baking and decorating proved therapeutic as it evoked feelings of love for my children. I continued to survive because of that love. The spicy aroma of cinnamon, nutmeg and mace that wafted our house brought warm childhood memories. Blending this old tradition with new tradition helped me cope with grief during the holidays.
I notice the difference in my husband’s grief during the holidays. Butch is more cheerful. There are less tears yet I know the pain is still there. The heart never forgets, even when the world does. It looks like we’re getting better, improving either with time and patience. Or maybe because it is simply becoming a thread in the continuing fabric of our new normal. The fact that Butch bought Christmas Lanterns is a huge step in the grief journey during the dreaded holidays.
The change in mood happened six years ago. It came as a surprise when my husband wanted to go to Divisoria. I asked “what will we do there?”
His reply “buy ribbons”. I raised my eyebrows. We have never been to Divisoria together in the longest time. . Then he added “I noticed you are running out of red and green ribbons” . Wow, he noticed these minute details when in the past he was oblivious to anything that glittered in the household. I believe I learned to be more creative because of the artistic streak from my husband. He wanted me to have my usual supply of beautiful, color-coordinated ribbons to adorn our Christmas presents and cookie baskets. (Remember I have two sets of Christmas color themes?)
I look forward to the holiday season more than ever. I smile and sigh that finally my husband is able to handle the holidays a little bit better. I gather in my blessings and count them all. I count the blessings of the most important people in my life and I find the peace that comes with counting a holiday of joy remembered and love shared. Love never dies, and the light always shines in our hearts and home.
“To children, stuffed animals like teddy bears are more than toys. They’re imaginary friends who are effective comfort givers in times of extreme stress and fear, helping them heal from trauma and tragedy” – A Thousand Bearhugs Project
My friend, Cathy Babao is once again spearheading the Bear Hug project which she started for the children in Bicol in 2006. Around this time last year, super-typhoon Reming (Durian) caused so much havoc in Bicol like no other. Not even World War two was like this. Cathy also organized the same Bear Hug project in Sendong stricken areas and the Negros Quake.
And now Davao Oriental. I cannot begin to imagine their trauma in losing their homes, and even loved ones.
Storm “Pablo” “washed away entire villages and hamlets, wiped out roads and bridges; flattened cornfields and banana plantations; wrecked fishing fleets; and buried homes under landslides and walls of mud.
Sonny Tadanon, a fisherman and a father of nine, said at the evacuation center in the town of Davao Oriental recounts. ““I’ve lived here all my life and I am now 45, but I have not experienced anything like this before” .
Julius Julian Rebucas, told Reuters that his mother and brother had been swept away in a flash flood. ““I no longer have a family,” he said.The young boy recalls the last thing his mother said was ‘I love you”.  ““It’s sad because I no longer have a family.”
When you hear this terrible news, one begins to ask is there anything one can do? There are many ways to help and one way to help out is checking our closet for plushies, stuffed toys or teddy bears that you can donate to the children of Davao Oriental.
Donate a teddy bear.
Send your donations to Sto. Domingo Convent, Information Center, 537 Quezon Avenue.
Please take time out from the Christmas rush to see if there are any stuffed toys or teddy bears your children no longer use.
Every bear that arrives matters because it counts towards making one more child happy. To share and to give is the true essence of the season. I pray that you help us make the thousand bears a reality. Think of one bear as one smile, one hug – one young life given joy and love this Christmas.
Two thousand years ago, a child was (and is) the reason why we celebrate the most important holiday of the year.
Communities across the globe are joining in The Compassionate Friends on its 16th Annual Worldwide Candle Lighting on December 9, 2012.
16th Worldwide Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting
 Where: Kiosk area of the Church of the Risen Lord,
 Laurel Avenue, UP Campus, QC
 Map : Check this google map:http://goo.gl/maps/fXzmQ
 When Date: Sunday , December 9, 2012
Time: 5:00 to 8:00 PM
Contact me here.
Here is a simple memorial which you can do at home with four candles.
16th Worldwide Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting
 Where: Kiosk area of the Church of the Risen Lord,
 Laurel Avenue, UP Campus, QC
 Map : Check this google map:http://goo.gl/maps/fXzmQ
 When Date: Sunday , December 9, 2012
Time: 5:00 to 8:00 PM
Holidays are a season of cheer and happiness for many of us. For others it serves as a constant reminder of their loved ones who are no longer with them.
On the second Sunday of December, parents worldwide join together and light candles for their dead children.
For 12 years, parents gathered on the second Sunday in December in homes, churches, parks and gyms. Sunday night, families all around the world lighted candles at 7 p.m. in remembrance of their beloved children. It has been 4 years for the Compassionate Friends Philippines.
“You wish you could be naive again, go back to your life the way it was,” said Kristy Mueller, who organized the South Bay candle-lighting ceremony in Palos Verdes Estates in the USA.
“But you can’t,” she said. “You don’t get over it. . . . And this is a hard time of the year. When you can’t help but think about what you’re missing.”
For many of bereaved parents, this is a difficult month. Holiday traditions bring families together, but they also spotlight grief and amplify loss.
The company of other parents is part of what made Sunday’s candle-lighting so special.
Our candle lighting ceremony is usually simple with traditional Christmas music being played softly, candlelight videos, poems read , stories of our children shared, candles lit  but it was packed with meaning.
A fellow parent wrote this poignant poem in Tagalog.
Sa Bawat Hakbang
by Vilma Dee
Sisinghap singhap ako’y nagsikap
Upang sa kalaliman ng dagat ako’y umahon
Tila ba sabik sa salubong mong yakap
Tulad ng hamog sa sariwang dahon
Unti-unti mula sa kawalang hanggan
Lagusan ng kamalayan aking narating
Tila ba sabik sa salubong mong yakap
Tulad ng maog sa sariwang dahon
Ano’t nasilaw sa bagong mundo
Sa dating payapa ngayo’y magulo
Tila ba lahat sabik ako’y masdan
Tulad sa hamog ng sariwang dahon
Di malimot unang haplos na iyon
Maipadamang pagmamahal tanging layon
Tula ba lahat sabik ako’y masdan
Tulad ng hamog sa sariwang dahon
Sa unang hakbang kamay mo’y kaagapay
Lahat ng gawin nais mo tayo’y sabay
Tula ba sabik na ako sa iyo’y matulad
Tulad ng paruparo mula sa kanlungan
Kay ganda din pala buhay sa lupa
Nguni’t di singganda ng tahanan ng MANGHUHULMA
Tila ba nagising sa mahabang paghimlay
Tulad ng paruoparo mula sa kanlungan
Sa piling mo nadama ko kaibang pagsinta
Nguni’t di singtulad ng pagibig ng MANLILIKHA
Tila ba nagising sa mahabang paghimlay
Tulad ng paruparo mula sa kanlungan
Iglap lang pala tayo’y magkakasama
Salamat AMA sa maikling magsasadula
Tila ba napagod sa pagsamantalang laya
Ngayo’y bumalik sa IYO puno ng sigla
AKING AMA, ako’y narito na
Dala ang masayang kwento sa lupa
Mula sa pansamantalang laya
ANAK mong ito’y muli kang bibigyang saya
“In stories and posts flooding Vancouver’s social media networks, #RIPAmanda is trending as people post news and condolences for the teen identified as posting the video, Amanda Todd.
In a post on its Facebook page, G Force Gym, Home of the Vancouver All Stars cheerleaders, wrote:
Today we feel the loss of our former VAS family member Amanda… I ask that we all watch her video and share her story so that her loss is not in vain. Allow this to be her legacy… Allow us all to look around & find the next Amanda before another precious spunky teenager is lost. We have a responsibility today… Is there a kid in your school that made a mistake and is being shunned? Your challenge is to be a LEADER … Be the Game Changers you are and sit with them today… reach out… smile… let them know that they are NOT alone in this harsh world. It’s always EASY to do the EASY thing; we teach you to NOT do what is easy and instead, do what is right!! You will be surprised, how many people will follow YOU when you stick up for what is Right and honorable AND, forgiving those that have made mistakes in their YOUTH is the RIGHT thing to do!!
In the video, the teen told her story that was printed phrase by phrase on sheets of paper that she held up for the camera.
““I’m struggling to stay in this world, because everything just touches me so deeply. I’m not doing this for attention. I’m doing this to be an inspiration and to show that I can be strong. I did things to myself to make pain go away, because I’d rather hurt myself then someone else. Haters are haters but please don’t hate, although im sure I’ll get them. I hope I can show you guys that everyone has a story, and everyones future will be bright one day, you just gotta pull through. I’m still here aren’t I ?” was the message accompanying the video post.
The video echoed another that the teen commented on through YouTube. That video, entitled My Story: Suicide and Bullying was uploaded by Mollydoyle18 on YouTube. It was clear from the comments that Amanda wanted to contact Molly in a private message and apparently she reached her. Commenting on Amanda’s video, Molly wrote:
““Rest in peace and fly high to Amanda Todd. I was just messaging her about almost a week ago, and I just found out that she has taken her life. She was asking me about how to be an inspiration to others and to get her video more views, and now I have found out that she has passed away… This is a terrible tragedy. I wish she could have had her happy ending.”
Bullying is NEVER okay. Rest easy, Amanda. I’m so sorry to her family. “
I cannot fathom the cruelty of these bullies. How does one even comprehend wishing someone’s death? Are kids all that mean? I have written before that bullying should be the concern of everyone: the school, the teachers, the students, the community and the government.
Amanda’s death reminds us that Bullying should STOP now.
Even if my children are all adults now, I still think of the children who may be possibly be affected by bullying. That is why I talk in schools about cyberbullying prevention. Perhaps cyberbullying is not as widespread in the Philippines but empowerment is the key. Children need to be part of the solution and not wait to be victims. I talked about taking the pro-active role in the prevention of cyber-bullying. I presented a video on cyber bullying awareness with catchy lyrics from Taylor Swift’s song entitled “Mean”.
Let us not wait for another death . All of us need to step up so others won’t get stepped on.
Bullying should not be tolerated. Bullying damages the physical, social, and emotional well-being of its victims.
““Bullying is NOT pre-wired, harmless, or inevitable
Bullying IS learned, harmful, and controllable
Bullying SPREADS if supported or left unchecked
Bullying INVOLVES everyoneâ€â€bullies, victims, and bystanders
Bullying CAN BE effectively stopped or entirely prevented”
Everyone from the parents, educators, the students and community should stand up and voice out that bullying should stop. Domestic violence should stop. Preventing and stopping bullying involves a commitment to creating a safe environment where children can thrive, socially and academically, without being afraid.
STOP BULLYING. Make a stand to stop bullying in any form.
“Are you paranoid , mom?”. 
