“If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” – Steve Jobs

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Steve Jobs leaves an estimated $8.3 billion, which he thought nothing of. “Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn’t matter to me … Going to bed at night saying we’ve done something wonderful … that’s what matters to me.”

Steve Jobs who is only 2 years older than me “died peacefully today surrounded by his family ” His family said “… We know many of you will mourn with us, and we ask that you respect our privacy during our time of grief”.

Dan Frakes says it so well “Part of Jobs’s genius was in showing people what they could *do* with technology. That’s what most people actually care about, not specs.” Let me share how his technology has been so much a part of my life.

I remember him so well in the early 80’s. Their story on launching the first Apple PC from his parents’ garage with longtime friend Steve Wozniak in 1976 was just amazing. Apple clones soon came around with the success of their PC.

Yes , I was one of those that owned an Apple II clone in 1985. My father who suffered a stroke in late 1985 was unable to comprehend oral communication but he could understand if written down. I forgot the software or game that I had but I used it to re-train him to recognize words. Speech therapy then was only done in UP-PGH. Dad soon re-learned some of the words though he was never able to regain his normal brain functions in oral communication.

I will probably remember him more for the Apple gadgets that I have owned since I became a blogger in 2006: the white macbook in 2006, the black macbook in 2007, the macbook air just two months ago . Then there is the IPhone where I get a new model every year now just waiting for the iPhone 4s to be released. The iPhone has been such a great companion for citizen media when I do livestreaming. In fact when Blog Watch interviewed presidential candidate Noynoy Aquino, I used the livestream app from my iphone when our main live stream failed.

Then the iPad as a birthday present to my husband because I could not stand the stacks of books he keeps buying all the time. I thought the iPad can be a space saver. Alas, it has not been so but the iPad serves quite well for ebook versions of newspapers. It surely cut down on piles of newspapers stashed in the bodega.

Now how could I ever forget the iPod?

I recall my teenaged kids just begging to have one of those nifty gadgets in early 2000. I really found them expensive but I managed to buy it for music sake. The success of iPod, revolutionized the music industry eventually leading to a collapse in CD sales and making Steve Jobs one of the most powerful voices in an industry he loved.

Now I have my own iPod in my iPhone. It is always a part of my driving routine. How can I ever deal with the traffic without my favorite seventies music lifting my spirits up?

Steve Jobs, you are just there with me probably in every person who have used your gadgets.

More than anything else, we can learn a lot about Steve Jobs especially on his views about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.


Steve Jobs’ 2005 Stanford Commencement Address
Read complete transcript of ‘You’ve got to find what you love,’ Jobs says

He continues to share more about living each day as if it is your last day:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

I think we should all stop to think as he often did :

“If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?”

A eulogy for a friend

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The death of someone we know always reminds us that we are still alive – perhaps for some purpose which we ought to re-examine. Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

I am big on the idea of a eulogy, a place to commemorate and celebrate life. I know because of the five deaths in my family . Each tribute about my loved one touched me so much that it gave comfort to know my loved one touched others. I vowed to share this experience to those who lose their loved ones. Sometimes, the family cannot really think of all of these preparations if there is no funeral coordinator. I also know because when I suggested the same to the father of Apple Book, the four year old girl who died in the Willie Revillame show ULTRA tragedy, he loved the idea. SInce then, I often ask the bereaved family about their plans for eulogy. The brother of AJ loved the idea and so bloggers and friends organized AJ’s memorial.

A eulogy is quite simple. You tell a story about a fond memory, character attributes or something you want to share that is poetic or meaningful. It could also be a song. AJ’s tribute included podcast clips from his FabCast friends and Juned shared AJ’s answers to formspring that added a lot of laughter.

Our tribute to AJ was indeed beautiful and poignant. There are facets of a person’s life that can be gleaned from a variety of friends, colleagues or family. For instance, AJ’s mom had no idea what a blog is.. but she shared an insight about his son only a mother will ever know. A friend delivered his tribute called a Timely Powerful Message, recalling the of the time he saw AJ at the hospital and their podcast days.

Along with his eulogy, he shared soundbites of AJ that came from Fabcasters’ podcast.sessions, It reveals the wonderful, unique person that AJ Matela is.

My daughter wrote more about it in “What is death trying to teach me?

I’m sure you’re familiar with the old funeral cliche, ““Death is a celebration of life.” When the priest said it in his homily, I snorted and wondered if that was supposed to be comforting. I’ve experienced enough death in my life to know that death is no celebration. How are you supposed to celebrate the past when you have an entire future to face without that person in your life? Yet a ““celebration of life” is probably the best phrase to describe the memorial service that took place later that evening. AJ has been sick for a while and his family has had several months to accept this fact. So with a lot of the grieving behind them, they had enough sanity to pay attention to the highlights of his life. Many bloggers spoke about their favorite memories and how they remembered him as a kind, friendly, very fashionable person who loved life, fought for LGBT rights, and remained one of the greatest friends they’ve ever had.

Here is my eulogy for AJ.

Gifts from AJ

I am honored to be here to be part of tonight’s memorial to honor and celebrate what AJ gave to us.
I consider myself blessed to have known such a wonderful person. He was also charming, funny, and fun. AJ was charismatic and he could always catch you up in his enthusiasm and love for anything!

I met AJ in 2007 and other bloggers will probably talk about a similar meeting. Yes I am a blogger, who deals with grief support advocacy and participatory media. I too lost a brother when he was 28 years old. I too lost my precious son. A total of 5 deaths in my immediate family.

What I would want to share to his family and loved ones are two legacies AJ left behind for me to remember him by. They are all related to my blog advocacy. These legacy will continue to live on in my heart and in my treasure chest of memories and perhaps in yours.

1. Ernie, the Travel mascot

AJ first introduced me to Ernie during one of our blogger trips in 2008. AJ would let Ernie sit on a chair or on any flat surface and then take a picture. He used to say it is his travel mascot. I found it cute. Looking at AJ with Ernie, an inspiration hit me. Why not have a travel mascot myself? So I copied AJ. No, I didn’t copy Ernie. I used Kippy Cat or rather I re-discovered Kippy Cat from the box of toys of my precious son that I had kept throughout the years.

Kippy Cat was Luijoe’s comfort toy when I travelled in the past. Kippy Cat never left my son’s side while I was away from him. When I returned home after a travel, he rubbed Kippy Cat’s nose on to my nose.

Holding Kippy Cat close to my chest, a flood of happy and poignant memories lifted me to high spirits and I felt the comfort of my son’s love. That is how Kippy Cat became my mascot. The comfort my son felt before is now my comfort.

Aj knew this. I dedicated a blog post just for Ernie and Aj in 2008.

He probably never realized it…but he showed me a creative way of handling grief triggers.

This legacy will always be part of my advocacy and to others who want to use creative ways to deal with their loss.

2. Mobile live streaming

My other role as a blogger is participatory media where social networking tools come handy such as mobile live streaming. Today, you can see live streaming done everywhere in the Senate, the Supreme court, and other government offices. Blog Watch our citizen media site’s coverage of the May 2010 campaign period was not complete without live streaming. I first learned about live streaming using mobile phones from AJ during iblog 5 in April 2009. AJ covered most of the proceedings with his Nokia phone until its battery died. I was quite intrigued. I only knew live streaming using my laptop.

He explained to me the various sites that support live stream such as qik.com , ustream.tv and justin.tv with the use of a software that can be downloaded to the phone. I knew all this because I sat beside him all throughout iblog 5, sometimes being his reliever when he had to talk on stage.

I think of him whenever I do my own mobile live streaming.

Sadly, this was the last time I ever talked to AJ in person. This is our last photo together (I regret not having a photo with him when I lost 20 pounds lighter from that photo) Yes, I got busy with citizen media and did not attend much blogger events since middle of 2009. I am filled with regrets, with questions of ““why? If only? I should have…why God? ” but I am also aware that all these are part of my grief talking .

And though these memories may bring back pain, they bring back memories of joy as well. All these because pain is the price I pay for someone who touched my life.

He also leaves behind the people who loved and cared for him, for truly, it is in us that AJ will live on. How? Because we – the ones who were touched by his grace – will share with the world, the parts of us he was able to influence. This is what a man truly leaves behind when he passes.

Yes, I am comforted with the knowledge that AJ will be forever alive in my heart and in my memories.

AJ, I love you. You will be forever missed by each and every life you have touched. Until we meet again my friend, your precious legacies will be carried within my heart.

I would like to end with a quote from Thomas Campbell.

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.
~Norman Cousins~

Visit the info page of 1000 Volunteers for AJ Matela on how to help AJ’s family.

Other blogposts by AJ’s friends who will all miss him:

The gift of grief: Stories of 9-11 families

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I would say to those who mourn…look upon each day that comes as a challenge, as a test of courage. The pain will come in waves, some days worse than others, for no apparent reason. Accept the pain. Do not suppress it. Never attempt to hide grief.–Daphne du Maurier


Anna Sereno holds a portrait of her son Arthuro Angelo Sereno via dailymail.co.uk

It’s been 10 years since the 9-11 tragedy. Does 10 years take away the pain that the families and loved ones who lost someone in the 9-11 tragedy? Eleanor Roosevelt reminds us that “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”


Photo courtesy of jofercreams

I will never know how survivors and families feel right now but let’s take a peek on how 3 families dealt with their loss.

Abigail Carter, a widow used to ask herself “Would we ever be “happy people” again? I didn’t see how.”

Ten years later, she is baffled “that in many ways our lives are better now than when Arron was alive”. I have often mentioned that with a death of a loved one, there is hope for a new life and a new normal without our loved one. Abigail adds that “There is a heavy debt of guilt whenever I realize that our new life wouldn’t exist had Arron not died. Through our pain, we discovered our strengths, learned to appreciate life and have empathy for others. We were awakened into life by death.”


A police officer hugs a woman who gave him flowers and a missing-person poster at the edge of the World Trade Center worksite. In the aftermath of the attacks, the city of New York was not an anonymous metropolis of 8.4 million strangers, but an extended family united in grief. Photo courtesy of sabby

Like Abigail I experienced the loss of a loved one and still long to be with my son, willing him to exist in some new form. I know now that my son may not be here physically but he lives forever in my heart and in my mind. With the death of Abigail’s husband, it gave her courage. She is author of “The Alchemy of Loss: A Young Widow’s Transformation.”

I lost my fear of death – something I’ve come to see as the unexpected gift of grief. I’ve unmasked an entirely new universe of possibility. I was able to move across the country alone with two kids, write a book and teach. I stopped worrying what people thought and began thinking magically, realizing that the only person standing in the way of, say, writing a book, was myself. I learned to be brave enough to trust my intuition, get help when we needed it, find allies and live with no expectations – a flexibility that invited what I can only express as mindful evolution. I muddled through “dad” experiences, like starting the lawn mower and teaching our daughter to drive. The kids learned compassion and forgiveness and to live with an unnamable absence.

Alissa Torres, pregnant with their first child at the time of Eddie Torres death wrote “a 210-page graphic memoir, or as she calls it, “an adult, literary comic book,” about her marriage and first year as a widow and single mother. American Widow (Villard, $22) is illustrated by Sungyoon Choi.” “It embodies my grief. I can open it and see this grief and remember it and remember Eddie. But I can also close it and live my life in the present tense seven years later and have a happy home for my son.”

Writing this comic book is a creative form of expressing grief.

Losing a child is a devastating loss to all parents because a child never dies before their parents. Robert and Brooke Jackman lost their youngest daughter in this 9-11 tragedy but they transformed their grief into hope.

Ten years later, the Brooke Jackman Foundation, which they founded to promote literacy for at-risk children, has donated nearly 100,000 books and 10,000 backpacks filled with school supplies to kids in the greater New York region. And on Saturday, the foundation will hold its second annual read-a-thon to commemorate 9/11, as well as its own anniversary, at the Winter Garden in the World Financial Center in Lower Manhattan.

They started this event to honor their daughter Brooke and all those who lost their lives on 9/11 by showing that tragedy and loss can be turned into hope.

Barbara Kingsolver on grief says that “you don’t think you’ll live past it and you don’t really. The person you were is gone. But the half of you that’s still alive wakes up one day and takes over again. ”

Most of us who lose our loved ones search for meaning or rationalization about the tragedy. It is incomprehensible for our child to die before us. Doing creative projects or reaching out is one way of turning the grief to hope. It is the gift of grief. Abigail wrote a book, Alissa wrote an adult, literary comic book while Robert and Brooke Jackman started a foundation to promote the quiet power of literacy, which transforms lives and makes our world a better, safer, more peaceful place.

The only cure for grief is action. -G.H. Lewes

“Grief and recovery and resilience are very individual experiences and there is no template,” says Dr. Robin Stern, a co-author of “Project Rebirth.” “Grief is not a pathology. We all love and we all lose.”

Dealing with the loss of a loved one in a tragedy is not like the Kübler-Ross model which is more popularly known as the “Five Stages of Grief.” It is important to understand that grief is not a linear process or straightforward path. Grief is more like a roller coaster ride. Even 10 years after 9-11, twinges of sadness come to these families but it does not mean they have not moved on.

Love never dies and if one tears, it is a sign that love lives on.


Photo by getty images

Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.
~Rossiter Worthington Raymond

Here is a video of 9/11 resilience

On World Suicide Prevention Day, save a life

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A follower on twitter once appealed to me for help because he wanted to kill himself. Whether it was a joke or not , I replied back if he wanted to talk. This did not sit well for one or two twitter followers who thought I should not have replied to that person in public.

See, I try to help anyone I can in Twitter whether it is about traffic, the weather, the location of a shop or just about any mundane thing. Why can’t I help someone crying out for help?

Are you uncomfortable helping out someone who could kill himself/herself? Would you rather ignore and hope it is all a joke. Well, I have seen the effect of suicide deaths in family and I know that these families never had any idea their loved one would die through suicide. When a child dies or a loved one takes their own life, the storyline is heart-achingly derailed.

Family members often blame themselves, thinking they could have done something to prevent the death. To lose someone suddenly is indeed a shock, but a suicide makes grief more complex. Those left behind can feel such guilt and regret. Why couldn’t I save him/her?

While most would see someone who had taken their own life, we see someone who died of an illness. On average, almost 3, 000 people commit suicide daily. For every person who completes a suicide, 20 or more may attempt to end their lives. Prevention can mean something as simple as asking, not ‘How are you?’ but ‘Are you okay?’

It helps to know about suicide prevention.

I added a Suicide Prevention page to save a life. Suicide prevention is everybody’s business. What many are not aware is not we can educate our community that suicide is a preventable public health problem in the Philippines. Suicide should no longer be considered a taboo topic, and that through raising awareness and educating the public, we can SAVE lives.

Consider the facts on suicide:

1. Every year, almost one million people die from suicide; a “global” mortality rate of 16 per 100,000, or one death every 40 seconds.

2. In the last 45 years suicide rates have increased by 60% worldwide. Suicide is among the three leading causes of death among those aged 15-44 years in some countries, and the second leading cause of death in the 10-24 years age group; these figures do not include suicide attempts which are up to 20 times more frequent than completed suicide.
Suicide worldwide is estimated to represent 1.8% of the total global burden of disease in 1998, and 2.4% in countries with market and former socialist economies in 2020.

3. Although traditionally suicide rates have been highest among the male elderly, rates among young people have been increasing to such an extent that they are now the group at highest risk in a third of countries, in both developed and developing countries.

4. Mental disorders (particularly depression and alcohol use disorders) are a major risk factor for suicide in Europe and North America; however, in Asian countries impulsiveness plays an important role. Suicide is complex with psychological, social, biological, cultural and environmental factors involved.

World Suicide Prevention Day is today, September 10. “It promotes worldwide commitment and action to prevent suicides.

The sponsoring International Association for Suicide Prevention, the co-sponsor WHO and other partners advocate for the prevention of suicidal behaviour, provision of adequate treatment and follow-up care for people who attempted suicide, as well as responsible reporting of suicides in the media.

At the global level, awareness needs to be raised that suicide is a major preventable cause of premature death. Governments need to develop policy frameworks for national suicide prevention strategies. At the local level, policy statements and research outcomes need to be translated into prevention programmes and activities in communities.”

To help show your support and raise awareness, organizers suggest that you light a candle at 8pm and place it in a window in your home to honor the day.

Read my Suicide Prevention page to save a life.

Ernie, AJ Matela, Kippy cat and me

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Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

I first met Ernie during one of our blogger trips in Tagaytay. AJ Matela would let Ernie sit on a chair or on any flat surface and then he’d take a picture. He used to say it is his travel mascot. I found it cute.

So I copied AJ. No, I didn’t copy Ernie. I used Kippy Cat. I know I am such a copy cat.

During my trip to San Francisco , (my first since my son’s death) in 2008, I brought Kippy Cat along with me. Kippy cat was Luijoe’s favorite toy that comforted him when I used to travel in the past and left him home with my husband.

It pained me that I was never able to fulfill my son’s wish that we would travel to the US together. Perhaps it is one of the reasons that I lost interest to travel before 2008. For years, I was consumed with the myriad reminders of my son’s life and death. It wasn’t an easy journey. Today, I now know that death may have taken away my son but he lives forever in my heart and in my memories. Perhaps he might not have visited the states with me but he is right here with me in spirit. So Kippy Cat is now my travel mascot, pretty much like Ernie is to AJ.

With the news that AJ died last night, I feel deep sorrow. It is my grief talking. He had been sick for a long time now . It is painful to see someone like AJ die so young.

I am thankful to AJ who reminded me that I can always bring my Luijoe in my heart when I travel. As I hold Kippy Cat close to my chest a flood of happy and poignant memories lift me to high spirits and I feel the comfort of my son’s love.

Now there is an added dimension, I wil always remember AJ for this. AJ wil forever be alive in my heart and in my memories.

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.

I can only imagine the grief that AJ’s parents and loved ones are having right now but we can help them in our own little way.

Let’s help AJ’s family We need 1,000 Volunteer-Friends who can help AJ’s family. Please join us.

AJ may have left us but he will always live in our hearts.

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell

How to help

Visit the info page of 1000 Volunteers for AJ Matela

Other blogposts by AJ’s friends who will all miss him:

Norway grieves the loss of nearly 100 lives

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What could have possessed Anders Behring Breivik to kill innocent children? So many young children killed in Norway by just one person. Children, gone too soon. Unbelievable. Unimaginable. All children of someone who is now in pain. What is happening to the world?

Most of the bodies were found on Utoya island, where young people from the dominant Labor Party “had gathered for an annual camp. The suspect is Anders Behring Breivik, 32, a right-wing fundamentalist Christian, while acquaintances described him as a gun-loving Norwegian obsessed with what he saw as the threats of multiculturalism and Muslim immigration.”

Dressed as a police officer, he announced that he had come to check on the security of the young people who were attending a political summer camp there, many of them the children of members of the governing Labor Party.

He gathered the campers together and for some 90 hellish minutes he coolly and methodically shot them, hunting down those who fled. At least 85 people, some as young as 16, were killed.

The poor children must have been so frightened as the lone gunmen shot them one by one.

And the parents… this is a traumatic death. A sudden, traumatic death shattered the world of these parents and their loved ones. It is often a loss that does not make sense. I condole with the families and relatives of all the victims in the bomb blast and the parents of 92 or so children that were killed in the labor. This is just outrageous. There are no words to describe the actions of this lone killer.

Trying to make sense of or understand this tragedy can be difficult. Survivors are left asking “Why?” “Why did this happen?” . “Why” may be more than a question. It may be an agonizing cry for a heart-breaking loss, an expression of distress and bewilderment.

The traumatic nature of the loss is just too much to comprehend. There is a lot of discussion in twitter about the indifference of the deaths in Norway. A tweet says “it’s awful that Amy Winehouse is dead,but 90 children and teenagers were shot and killed in Norway, yet no one seems to care about that..” An angry tweeter says “Its shameful to see these idiots more concerned with a junkie than the innocent children who were killed in Norway. Sicko”.

It is understandable to be angry. But sometimes it is hard to grasp such traumatic losses. Each death is just as painful. Everyone must be allowed to grieve in their own way whether it be loss of Amy Winehouse or the children and other victims in Norway.

Rest in peace to the children of Norway killed in the shooting. Let me echo one tweeter as she says “May your memories live on as motivation for peace'”

Amy Winehouse dead : struggled with addiction & rehab

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“Over futile odds…and laughed at by the gods. And now the final frame. Love is a losing game” – Amy Winehouse, 2007.


Photo via mashable.com

Amy Winehouse is best known for her 2006 breakthrough album, Back to Black, the singer was known for her deep voice and brazen lyrics. Winehouse was 27. The troubled singer, has long struggled with drug and alcohol addiction, making many references to these struggles in her music. Her most popular songs include: ‘Valerie’, ‘You Know I’m no Good’, ‘Back to Black’, and ‘Rehab’

By coincidence, Jimi Hendrix, Jones, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse have one thing in common . They were all 27 years old . Actually, the one thing they have in common is sadly – drug abuse (if found that her death was due to it ). Oh Amy Winehouse. How sad. Unfortunately, the world lost such a talented woman to this powerful disease… addiction. She was not alone. Many others are like her , who struggle to fight this disease.

Amy Winehouse once said “I only write about stuff that’s happened to me, stuff I can’t get past personally. Luckily, I’m quite self-destructive.

Amy is now in peace.

As soon as Amy Winehouse’s death broke out, people expressed in social media their thoughts on the end of the young artist’s life.

To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die

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No one ever really dies as long as they took the time to leave us with fond memories. ~Chris Sorensen


Rina used to baby sit my daughter since we were neighbors anyway.

When death comes without warning, the shock and disbelief can be overwhelming. When I received the news of my first cousin’s death a week ago. I just had to make sure my aunt sent me the message correctly. It was a sudden death. Rina is one of my closest cousins despite the eight year age gap. We were neighbors for 18 years before moving to Makati in 1998. The circumstances behind her death is a mystery which will soon unfold a few weeks from now.

At the memorial, one of her friends shared that she was afraid that her family will forget her memory. Rina need not worry about that. Death may have taken her away but the love and memory remains forever in our hearts and mind.

“Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ”


My cousin with her mom and sister during my Silver wedding celebration May 2010

The memory of her sweet smiles and laughter will always have a place in my heart. It is this same memory that causes so much pain in our hearts when someone we love dies. As Kahlil Gibran said “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ”

In time, all those Rina left behind will discover that grief is the price we pay for love. We will then find comfort on those precious memories and cherish them. Remember first that Rina lived, not that she died. I want to remember her life, not just her death!

But yes, it is okay to cry. It does relieve the pain. One should never be afraid to cry. Remember there would be no flowers unless there was some rain.

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell, “Hallowed Ground”

A letter from heaven

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My husband watching a boy picking sea shells by the beach front in Boracay. I knew he was thinking of Luijoe.

A few days before our trip to Boracay, I wrote a A letter to my son in heaven on his Angel date, May 27. This recent vacation to Boracay affirms that our son is closer to us than ever before. He has been beside us all these years.

Let me share one of the first grief poems a few weeks after we buried Luijoe. After all the friends have condoled with you, one is left alone to grieve. Now reading this “A letter from heaven” poem eleven years after his death, I see the words that inspired me to move on with my new life. I forgot all about this poem. These words may have been subliminal but it played a big role in my healing journey. If you have lost a child, this poem may give you some measure of comfort. The words didn’t really strike a chord at first. I remember wailing “but I want my Luijoe here beside me, bugging me with his toys.”

Just keep reading this “A letter from heaven” until it becomes part of your process.

And so, as I contemplate the western horizon of my life, I think of my son with exquisite sadness and profound gratitude. He evoked in me a capacity for love I did not know I had. Those feelings did not die with him, nor will they, I pray, die with me. – Gordon Livingston

A Letter from Heaven

Playing with sand, an hour before Luijoe went to heaven

To my dearest family
Some things I’d like to say,
But first of all to let you know
That I arrived okay.

I’m writing you from Heaven
Where I dwell with God above,
Where there’s no more tears or sadness
There is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy
Just because I’m out of sight,
Remember that I’m with you
Every morning, noon, and night.


Luijoe staring at the small fishes by the shore.

That day I had to leave you
When my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me
And He said, “I welcome you”.

“It’s good to have you back again
You were missed while you were gone,
As for your dearest family
They’ll be here later on.”

“I need you here so badly
As part of My big plan,
There’s so much that we have to do
To help our mortal man.”


The task we face is to create with our new selves something that, in some measure redeems our suffering.

Then God gave me a list of things
He wished for me to do,
And foremost on that list of mine
Is to watch and care for you.

And I will be beside you
Every day and week and year,
And when you’re sad I’m standing there
To wipe away that tear.

And when you lie in bed at night
The days chores put to flight,
God and I are closest to you
In the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth
And all those loving years,
Because you’re only human
They are bound to bring you tears.

But do not be afraid to cry
It does relieve the pain,
Remember there would be no flowers
Unless there was some rain.


My husband and Luijoe by the sea just a few hours before Luijoe went to heaven.

I wish that I could tell you
Of all that God has planned,
But if I were to tell you
You wouldn’t understand.

But one thing is for certain
Though my life on earth is o’er,
I am closer to you now
Than I ever was before.

And to my very dearest friends
Trust God for He knows best,
I’m still not far away from you
I’m just beyond the crest.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you
And many hills to climb,
But together we can do it
Taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy
And I’d like it for you too,
That as you give unto the world
So the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody
Who’s in sorrow or in pain,
Then you can say to God at night
My day was not in vain.

And now I am contented
That my life… it was worthwhile,
Knowing as I passed along the way
I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody
Who is down and feeling low,
Just lend a hand to pick him up
As on your way you go.


We have been humbled but not broken.

When you are walking down the street
And you’ve got me on your mind,
I’m walking in your footsteps
Only half a step behind.

And when you feel that gentle breeze
Or the wind upon your face,
That’s me giving you a great big hug
Or just a soft embrace.

And when it’s time for you to go
From that body to be free,
Remember you’re not going…
You are coming here to me!

And I will always love you
From that land way up above,
I’ll be in touch again soon
P.S….God sends His love.

I am so sorry….but, remember….God knows best!
My prayers and thoughts are with you always.
I love you more than you will ever know
(Unknown author)


We see, always with longing, children who remind us of what our child was or would be now.

A short vacation in Boracay

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““I am you; you are ME. You are the waves; I am the ocean. Know this and be free, be divine.”
–Sri Sathya Sai Baba

The weather is lovely in Boracay. I thought the remnants of Typhoon Odeng would still be felt here. But God is good. The sun is up, The blue skies and the soft calm breeze lift our spirits. This short vacation to Boracay was postponed countless of times. I guess, in time my husband and I would vacation in any beach for that matter.

When I won a raffle prize (from a Nokia E7 launch) for a trip for two to Boracay, I felt my husband would once again refuse to vacation in a beach. I could try and if he didn’t want it , I could always give it to my daughter. Surprise, he agreed. Finally! He wanted to see the world-famous Boracay with its spectacular sugary-white sands and pristine beach waters.

It was just not Boracay that my husband wanted to see. I believe having a short vacation in Boracay affirms that he is at peace with the past. This part of Boracay is peaceful, far away from the party people. Lounging by my chair and enjoying the soft cool breeze , I spot him strolling along the shoreline of the white sandy beach. Walking barefoot on this powdery white is therapeutic.

Our first day was spent strolling and letting our feet enjoy and sink into the fine white sand as our eyes feasted on the crystal blue ocean and the coastline of the other island.

Today we go island hopping.