Category Archives: Recovery Tips

“I just kept saying, ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ over and over again. Turns out that loving yourself is the greatest way to improve yourself, and as you improve yourself, you improve your world.” — Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len

I’ve always thought there’s something powerful about saying “thank you.” It seems so simple, but I’ve seen it make a difference. Sometimes it pulls someone up when they’re having a hard time. Other times it softens a tense moment or just brightens an ordinary day. Gratitude spreads. When you give it freely, people often feel moved to pass it along.

Not every word has that effect, though. I remember apologizing once with everything I had, only to be met with silence. The person I hurt wasn’t ready, and maybe the wound was too deep. That moment taught me something I’ll never forget: honesty doesn’t guarantee healing. Sometimes words just aren’t enough, at least not right away.

I notice this even more now that so much of life happens online. We send emojis, stickers, or quick messages, and while they have their place, they don’t carry the same weight as a real connection. When was the last time you looked someone in the eye and said “thank you” or “I’m sorry” with genuine feeling?

Gratitude doesn’t need to be grand. A simple word of thanks can go further than you think. A funny sticker might make someone smile, but it doesn’t carry the warmth of a voice or the intention behind spoken words. My parents raised me to say “thank you” and “I’m sorry,” and as a child those words mattered. As I grew older, I caught myself saying them more out of habit than from the heart.

It wasn’t until later that I came across the Ho’oponopono prayer.It’s made up of four short lines:

“I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.”

Simple words, but they cut right to the heart.

Rebecca Cole once said that people rarely acknowledge kindness these days. Her observation hit me. Even a small thank you can mean so much. And whenever I give thanks with intention, it leaves me with a sense of peace.

I also think of Francesca Gino’s story about receiving a note of appreciation from her husband’s CEO. It wasn’t for anything huge, just patience and understanding. Yet it stayed with her. That story reminded me to check myself, to ask if I was really saying “thank you” often enough, and if I was saying it with sincerity.

Apologies matter just as much. Every time I say “I’m sorry,” I see it as more than admitting a mistake. It’s about showing respect and keeping trust alive. Guy Winch, in his book *Emotional First Aid,* talks about how an apology can heal not only the person receiving it but also the one giving it. I’ve felt that myself.

Still, words are not enough on their own. A real apology needs to be backed by change. I tell my husband this often. It’s not just about saying sorry, it’s about understanding the hurt and doing the work to avoid repeating it. He’s learning, and so am I.

Gratitude and honest apologies have a way of changing how we live. They do more than smooth things over. They strengthen relationships, bring a sense of peace, and keep us focused on what truly matters. We shouldn’t wait until it’s too late to speak the words that matter. A simple thank you or a sincere apology can go a long way.

In my last blog post, I wrote about the Ho’oponopono,  an ancient Hawaiian practice that combines love, forgiveness, repentance, and gratitude in four powerful phrases. They are:

1. I’m sorry.
2. Please forgive me.
3. I Thank you.
4. I love you

Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len is known for his remarkable story of healing an entire ward of mentally ill criminals at the Hawaii State Hospital using the ancient Hawaiian practice of Ho’oponopono. This method involves repeating the phrases “I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you” as a form of mental cleansing and taking responsibility for one’s life.

According to Dr. Len, the essence of Ho’oponopono is about taking complete responsibility for everything in one’s life. He believed that by healing the part of himself that created or contributed to the problems of others, he could effect change in those individuals. This principle is based on the idea that our external reality is a reflection of our internal state, and by addressing and healing our internal issues, we can influence our external experiences.

Dr. Len’s approach at the Hawaii State Hospital was not about directly treating the patients but about addressing and cleansing his own perceptions and reactions to their cases. He would read the patients’ files and as he experienced reactions like anger, frustration, or embarrassment, he would work on clearing those emotions within himself through the Ho’oponopono phrases. His work led to a significant improvement in the conditions at the ward, and eventually, the ward was closed as the patients were healed and released.

It is important to note that there are different interpretations and adaptations of Ho’oponopono. Dr. Len’s method, popularized through his collaboration with Joe Vitale in the book “Zero Limits,” focuses on the personal responsibility aspect and the use of the four key phrases. However, traditional Ho’oponopono, as taught by Morrnah Simeona, involves a more comprehensive 14-step process.

The story of Dr. Len’s work is often cited as a powerful example of the healing potential of taking full responsibility for one’s life and the impact of internal change on external realities?

HOW AND WHY Ho’oponopono Works: THE QUICK AND FAST TRACK

Here’s how: Start by taking two deep breaths and closing your eyes. Picture yourself or someone who has hurt you, vividly imagining them in front of you. Feel the pain as though it’s happening right now. Then, with genuine emotion, say these four phrases: “I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you.” Speak each phrase with deep conviction, reflecting on the meanings of love, apology, forgiveness, and gratitude. It might require several repetitions to truly connect with these words. Use them as a mantra, letting their significance deepen with each repetition. When you feel the person in your mind is receptive to this Ho’oponopono practice, imagine them surrounding you with a comforting light and love, symbolizing a union of understanding and healing. This process, when embraced fully, can be profoundly moving and transformative.

Even now as I speak of it, I remember my daughter and tears well up in my eyes at the sheer beauty of this process when approached with wholehearted dedication.

The Why: The Ho’oponopono practice is a powerful way to express self-love. By embracing love and forgiveness, you’re essentially bringing back your own energy. This process is not just about you; it’s about connecting with a broader, universal energy. When you recite the Ho’oponopono, it’s a conversation with your soul and potentially with others you envision in your thoughts. Keep this in mind next time you engage in this practice.

Forgiveness is about stopping our past from dictating our present, recognizing that our past experiences shape who we are.

As I scrolled through my Facebook feed, I stumbled upon a post from a friend that took me back to my grade school days. She had shared the Act of Contrition with her daughter, the same prayer I was taught in a Catholic school over 50 years ago. I remember reciting, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned…” but the details of the prayer have faded. This prayer expresses remorse for our wrongdoings, a sentiment I deeply connect with, even if I no longer recount my sins to a priest. I’ve found my own way to seek forgiveness, believing that God’s presence isn’t confined to a church.

Here’s the thing: I’ve made mistakes as a wife and mother. Yes, I’ve apologized and sought forgiveness from God and my family. But I’ve learned that forgiving oneself is just as important. Apologizing and making amends are essential steps in healing and warding off resentment in any relationship.

Why apologize, you might ask? From my experience, a sincere apology not only eases the burden from my shoulders but also brings immediate relief. It’s about clearing the air, not letting bad feelings linger. Psychologist Guy Winch, author of “Emotional First Aid,” says an effective apology heals both the recipient and the one who’s apologizing by dissolving guilt.

An apology must be genuine, and it should lead to a change in behavior. It’s not just about saying sorry; it’s about understanding the hurt caused and working to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

Reflecting on my 39-year marriage, I remember the early days filled with conflicts. My husband would quickly apologize for his missteps, but I was more interested in seeing a change in his behavior. Saying sorry is easy; the real challenge is in taking the time to understand the hurt and actively working to prevent it in the future.

Forgiveness has been our greatest gift to each other. It’s about freeing ourselves from the shackles of resentment, breaking down the walls built by anger and negativity. Forgiveness is about stopping our past from dictating our present, recognizing that our past experiences shape who we are.

Forgiveness doesn’t always start with letting go of resentment, but once you embrace it, resentment loses its grip on you. I’ve realized that I can’t control others, including family members, but I can choose how I react. By practicing honesty, self-expression, and forgiveness, I’ve found that resentment has no place or power in my life.

In a recent conversation with a friend curious about personal preparations before marriage, I emphasized the significance of addressing past wounds and cherishing one’s inner child. I advised her to confront and heal unresolved parental issues, highlighting the importance of nurturing our inner child throughout adulthood.

Irrespective of our age, there resides within us a young child longing for love and acceptance. My personal journey reflects this. Losing my mother just before I turned twenty was a profound challenge. It wasn’t until years later, amidst a health scare in 1996, that I confronted these deep-seated emotions. Facing my own fears during a medical procedure, I connected with my mother’s struggles with breast cancer. In that vulnerable moment, I forgave her and sought forgiveness for any pain I might have caused. This cathartic experience helped me release a heavy emotional burden.

I later realized that unaddressed emotional wounds can inadvertently influence our future relationships. Reflecting on my past, I recognized a pattern where I was drawn to partners mirroring aspects of my mother’s challenging temperament. Despite my mother’s critical and sometimes harsh demeanor during my upbringing, it wasn’t until adulthood that I understood her actions were not a reflection of my worth but a manifestation of her own struggles.

The concept of nurturing one’s inner child became clear to me after recognizing numerous unresolved issues from my childhood. As a child, I often felt that any misstep was a personal failure, leading to a constant pursuit of perfection in the hope of earning my mother’s affection. This belief system persisted until my mother’s passing, after which my relationship with my father, who had been more reserved during her life, blossomed.

In my journey towards independence, I discovered the internal parent-child dynamic as described by Louise Hay. I realized that our internal dialogue often involves a critical parent figure admonishing the child within. Recognizing this, I worked towards fostering a more nurturing internal parent voice.

Healing the inner child involves embracing and accepting every facet of ourselves, including our flaws and past mistakes. Love, I’ve found, is a powerful healing force. It allows us to shed light on our darkest memories and bring understanding and forgiveness. This process of loving and forgiving our inner child can profoundly impact our well-being.

My journey of forgiving my mother was pivotal in releasing past burdens and enhancing my roles as a parent and spouse.

Regardless of gender or perceived strength, we all have a vulnerable child within us, seeking affection and care. If you’re contemplating settling down, it’s crucial to resolve past conflicts and practice self-forgiveness and love.

These days, I consciously indulge my inner child with simple joys like treats, laughter, and playful activities. I often remind myself: “I am perfect, whole, and complete, just as I am.” Repeating this affirmation helps in releasing past traumas and embracing a more wholesome future.

In a world brimming with negativity—from the driver who rudely cuts me off to the endless tirades on social media and those who thrive on drama—finding calm in the storm is an art form, a skill in the quest to protect our inner peace. My journey is about mastering this art, about not allowing the darkness of others to dim my light. It’s about recognizing the onset of anger and stopping it in its tracks. Join me as I explore the transformative power of setting boundaries, the art of disengagement, the practice of mindfulness, the importance of protecting my energy and detaching with love. Learn how these strategies can fortify your peace against the assault of negativity. Because in the end, staying zen amidst chaos is not just a choice but a lifestyle, a continuous practice that strengthens with each challenge faced.

My goal is to preserve my serenity and not allow others’ negativity to poison my day. I want to stop anger before it even has a chance to take root.

Being zen in the face of negativity is important to me, and it begins with self-awareness. How do these situations make me feel? What can I control in these situations? Once I understand my reactions and limits, I can start to safeguard my inner peace.

Here are a few strategies I’ve started implementing:

• The Power of Boundaries: Clear, strong boundaries are my best defense against troublesome people. I decide what behaviors I will and will not tolerate and communicate those limits firmly.
• Choose Disengagement: Trying to reason with toxicity often backfires. The wise choice is to not engage – a simple “I’m not comfortable with this conversation” can work wonders.
• Practice Mindfulness: I pay attention to my reactions in the moment – is my heart racing, is my jaw tensing? Deep breathing and other mindfulness techniques can help diffuse these physical signs of stress.
• Protect My Energy: I’m often intuitive about people who drain me. I’m aware of that emotional exhaustion – it’s my internal signal to limit time and exposure to that individual.
• Detach with Love: Sometimes, the kindest thing I can do for myself and those around me is to step back emotionally. Detaching with love doesn’t mean I don’t care, but rather that I recognize I’m not responsible for fixing others’ problems or saving them from their bad choices. It allows me to maintain compassion without becoming engulfed in the negativity.

Negative people have the power to throw me off balance, but I don’t have to let them. By cultivating inner peace, setting strong boundaries, and prioritizing my well-being, I can protect myself. Staying zen, as much as possible, is a skill that keeps improving with practice – just like any other. The more I do it, the stronger I become in my resolve to shield myself from chaos.