Touched by An Angel

02May 2023

Healing hearts: Navigating estrangement’s rough waters

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ Leave a Comment

The phenomenon of estrangement, especially involving adult children cutting ties with their parents, has been making headlines, with 29% of Americans reporting estrangement from an immediate family member. Approximately 27% have chosen to sever relationships for an average duration of 4.5 years. A significant 85% have maintained ‘no contact’ for at least a year, and 95% of these estrangements are initiated by the adult child. Notably, while daughters more commonly initiate estrangement, the breakdown between parents and sons tends to last longer. This trend is not limited to the U.S. but is evident across the Western world. The article aims to offer unique perspectives on this issue, inviting viewers to share their thoughts while maintaining a respectful dialogue.

Coping with the heartache of no contact or estranged adult children can be a profound challenge. Here are insights and strategies to navigate this difficult path:

Acknowledging Your Feelings: First, it’s important to recognize and validate your emotions. Whether it’s sadness, anger, confusion, or a mix of these, accepting your feelings is a crucial step in the healing process.

2. Seeking Support: You don’t have to face this alone. Consider joining support groups or seeking therapy. Connecting with others who understand your experience can provide comfort and practical advice.

3. Focusing on Self-Care: Prioritize your well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. This could include hobbies, exercise, meditation, or simply spending time in nature.

4. Setting Boundaries: If the estrangement is causing you distress, it may be necessary to set boundaries for your mental health. This might include limiting your exposure to situations that remind you of the estrangement.

5. Reflecting on the Relationship: Sometimes, reflecting on the relationship can provide insights. Consider the dynamics that led to the estrangement. This isn’t about assigning blame, but understanding the context.

6. Exploring Forgiveness: Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning what happened. It’s about finding peace and letting go of bitterness. This is a personal journey and takes time.

7. Creating New Connections: Building new relationships or strengthening existing ones can provide a sense of belonging and support.

8. Respecting Their Decision: It can be hard, but respecting your child’s decision to remain estranged is important. This doesn’t mean giving up hope, but it does mean acknowledging their autonomy.

9. Holding onto Hope: While the current situation might be painful, it’s okay to hold onto hope for a future reconciliation. People change, and time can heal many wounds.

10. Writing a Letter: Sometimes, writing a letter to your estranged child (even if you don’t send it) can be therapeutic. It allows you to express your feelings and thoughts in a safe space.

Coping with estrangement is a journey, often marked by ups and downs. Remember, it’s okay to seek help and give yourself time to heal. Your feelings are valid, and with time and support, you can navigate this challenging chapter of your life. Remember to continue to love your child from a distance.

Here are resources for Estranged Parents:

1. Podcast
The Reconnection Club Podcast by Tina Gilbertson

2. YouTube community for Estranged Parents

14Feb 2023

Always Valentine’s Day , says my ex-boyfriend

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ 22 Comments

Two Valentine’s Day from the two most important guys in my life (next to my dad) strike me as the most memorable. The first one is my first Valentine’s day with Butch, my ex-boyfriend. The second is the last Valentine’s Day Card that my son lovingly crafted for me.

Leafing through the yellowed pages of my diary, I found a journal entry written on February 14, 1979. The wonderful thing about keeping a journal is one is able to relive those youthful years and feel giddy all over again. Oh my, were we that cheesy!? Looking back that day, I wrote I saw him through the window carrying a single red rose and a gift. Clutching the red rose, Butch chuckled at the scene unfolding before him. Just like the movies, he muttered. Three pages of sweet nothings where my sappy ex-boyfriend declared his undying love and our dreams in my paper journal. In the last part of my journal entry, he had whispered “Let’s make Valentine’s day the whole year through”. kilig. Today is our 43th Valentine’s Day celebration.

Though our love endured, it was not all roses and sweet nothings.

The childlike scribble of the I love you that my son wrote in his handmade Valentine’s day card never fails to bring tears. Tears of joy, of course. Reading through the same journal entry of February 14, 1979, Butch and I wove dreams of our first-born son who we called Jose Luis back then. (Jose, because both our fathers are Jose’s and Luis for Butch’s actual name.) Many years later, the dream of our Jose Luis materialized, whom we nicknamed Luijoe, for short. The reality lasted for six glorious years. I caress the crayon drawn heart in this card to remind myself that death may have taken our son away but his love and memories remain alive and pure in our hearts.

Listen to my podcast of this post

As with the past 44 Valentine’s Day , we celebrate it at home with my husband. Since we could not spend Christmas Day together in 2020 except via Zoom so today, we wore our ugly Christmas shirt. Never too late to celebrate love and life.

Let’s remember what love truly is…

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn’t jealous. It doesn’t sing its own praises. It isn’t arrogant. It isn’t rude. It doesn’t think about itself. It isn’t irritable. It doesn’t keep track of wrongs. It isn’t happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth. Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, never gives up.

Love never comes to an end

<< 1 Corinthians 13 >>

12Aug 2022

Foster a safe online environment for children

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ Leave a Comment

Being a mother to young children in the mid-1990s, I witnessed how the internet could be a powerful tool for my children to connect, explore, learn and engage in creative and empowering ways. The United Nations’ Committee on the Rights of the Child in General Comment 25, adopted in 2021, emphasized the importance of the digital environment to children’s lives and rights. Spending time online, as stressed in the General Comment, brings unacceptable risks and threats of harm, some of which children also come across in other environments and some of which are unique to the online situation.

In 2020, about 2 million children in the Philippines were exposed to content that was inappropriate. The report “Disrupting harm in the Philippines: Evidence on online child sexual exploitation and abuse” indicated that 1 in 5 children in the Philippines ages 12 to 17 encountered child sexual abuse material while using the internet.

According to Disrupting Harm household survey data, 20 percent of internet-using children ages 12 to 17 in the Philippines were victims of grave instances of online sexual exploitation and abuse. Such abuse consists of being “blackmailed to engage in sexual activities, someone sharing their sexual images without permission, or being coerced to engage in sexual activities through promises of money or gifts.” Children were most commonly subjected to Online Sexual Abuse and Exploitation of Children via social media. Online child sexual exploitation and abuse (Ocsea) “refers to situations involving digital, internet and communication technologies at some point during the continuum of abuse or exploitation. Ocsea could occur fully online or through a mix of online and in-person interactions between offenders and children.”

Several promising awareness-raising initiatives in the Philippines touch on Ocsea, such as #BeCyberSafe by the Department of Education; the Child Protection Seminar initiative with internet café and computer shop owners, or the annual Safer Internet Day, among others. The report added that “these initiatives reflect a commitment by the Philippines Government and other stakeholders to improve the visibility of these crimes against children.

However, comprehensive evaluations of these campaigns are needed to measure their effectiveness.” One stakeholder is the partnership of Palo Alto Networks (Nasdaq: PANW), the global cybersecurity leader, with PLDT Inc. and its wireless unit, Smart Communications Inc. The objective is to strengthen the two telcos’ Child Protection Platform and enable a safer online experience for children. Over 1 billion attempts to access URLs with child sexual abuse material (CSAM) have been blocked by the platform since November 2021. Their Child Protection Platform is a cybersecurity solution developed to address the CSAM problems by blocking illegal traffic at the content level, which then restricts access to CSAMs that have found their way into legitimate domains. Palo Alto Network Next-Generation Firewalls (NGFWs) and Cloud-Delivered Security Services including Threat Prevention, Advanced URL Filtering and WildFire scrutinize the content and convert URLs for redirection if CSAM-related traffic is found.

PLDT and Smart have also joined peers and other stakeholders from the private and government sectors in calling for the immediate passage of the Anti-OSAEC bill. The proposed law would institutionalize the taking down of websites that stream or host CSAM, as well as impose stiffer penalties against parties involved in child abuse cases.

Meanwhile, caregivers, teachers and social support services should be proactive. Understand what their children are doing both online and offline. Among children who experienced Ocsea on social media, the most common platforms took place on Facebook or Facebook Messenger, accounting for over 90 percent of cases. To a much lesser degree, other platforms cited were TikTok, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat. Among the insights presented, is to foster safe and ongoing communication between children and trusted adults about their lives online. Another is to ensure that responses to disclosures of Ocsea always convey that it is never the child’s fault, whatever choices they have made. Most of all, children should be informed about their right to be protected from all forms of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse and exploitation.

The report “Disrupting harm in the Philippines: Evidence on online child sexual exploitation and abuse,” published by the Global Partnership to End Violence Against Children, Ecpat, Interpol and Unicef (2022), can be downloaded from https://www.end-violence.org/sites/default/files/2022-04/DH_Philippines_ONLINE_FINAL.pdf

First published at theo. August 7, 2022

12May 2022

After a loss, life moves on…to a new normal

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ 1 Comment

A mother who lost a child often cries out over insensitive remarks. I have heard it countless of times. Consider this conversation from a mother who thought a well-meaning friend was insensitive.

Don’t they know? Of course these wonderful, concerned, well-meaning friends don’t know. They can only guess how I feel. They haven’t personally known (thank God) the disbelief, the shock, the anger, the depression that has filled my heart and soul since my child died. They don’t know that the words I need to hear are, ““I know you must be hurting terribly. You had such a good life together, the pain must be awful. You need to express your anger, your frustration. I know it must be hard for you to believe that God is a loving God who will support you through this horrible tragedy.” They can’t know words aren’t necessary, that just being there, holding my hand, crying with me, or listening to me would be much more comforting than words they feel they must say.

I don’t think they are insensitive. They just don’t know how to comfort or are uncomfortable in facing a person who lost a loved one.

Even one can experience grief in the loss of a presidential candidate in an election.

One often suffers temporary emotional pain in response to loss of anything that is very important to us. Here, losing a dream where we looked up to potential leaders of our country who hold our future and the future of our children. The pain is a normal internal feeling one experiences in reaction to a loss—the defeat of a candidate in the elections. The winning of certain candidates even made the pain worse in the senatorial slate, which is mostly political dynasties or familiar names.

The defeat of your candidate hurts. This is a loss of a dream you nurtured in your mind for the love of country. It is okay to cry. There is a normal reaction to loss. It is not a sign of weakness. I needed to tell myself that: feel, acknowledge, and express my emotions with an attitude of acceptance and compassion. The time will come when you can handle it with a sense of loving acceptance.How do you fare when you come across a bereaved? What do you say? You don’t say “Life should go on”. The grief journey is a process and when a loss or death is just so recent, mourning and moving on is not possible.

Do not ask them to deny their tears. Allow them to wash their inner wounds and speed the healing of their heart. In time, life goes on.

Grief is cyclical, much the same way the seasons change. Saying “life should go on” when grief is so fresh is like diminishing the grief of these victims.

Not everyone will follow the same journey. Some move on to their new life (without their loved one) ahead than others. The bereaved, in their own individual ways, gradually get better at bearing their loss. Mainly, the pain simply softens with the passage of time.

Moving on means that we live a new normal, never forgetting the love and memories of our beloved. Moving on says nothing about forgetting our loved one, not missing them or not wishing they were still with us, many years after the death. It says we will think and feel differently about having lost him or her.

Here are other words that are not comforting to those who have lost a loved one:

“It’s a good way to die.”
Don’t they know there is no good way for a child to die? Can’t they understand there’s nothing good about his being snatched away from our life?

“Remember, everything is God’s will.”
Don’t they know I can’t understand how God could cause me such despair? Don’t they understand that I can’t accept this as God’s will?

“All things work together for good for those who love God.”
Don’t they know I’m not sure I can love a God who robbed me of my child? Can’t they understand I’m very angry at God, who treated me so unfairly?

“Your child is better off. He’s gone to Heaven, where he will have eternal peace.”
Don’t they know I can’t be relieved to know Hess in Heaven when I ache so to have him back? Can’t they understand that his death is an injustice, not a godsend?

“Count your blessings.”
Don’t they know that in this state of mind I can’t in my wildest dreams consider all this pain, this anger, this emptiness, this frustration a blessing?

“If you look around you, you’ll find someone worse off than you are.”
Don’t they know right now I can’t imagine anyone worse off than I am?

“Think of all your precious memories.”
Don’t they know how much it hurts to live with nothing more than memories? Can’t they understand that because our love was so great, the pain is more intense?

“Keep your chin up.”
Don’t they know how hard it is to do that when I really want to cry, to wail, and to scream at the injustice that has been dealt me?

“You must put it all behind you and get on with your life.”
Don’t they know we don’t hurt by choice when our children die? I haven’t met a bereaved parent yet who wasn’t really weary of hurting.

“Time will heal.”
Don’t they know how time is dragging for me now, that every minute seems like an hour and every hour like a day? Can’t they understand how frightening it is to face the rest of my life without my child?

“If there’s anything I can do, let me know.”
Don’t they know they shouldn’t wait for me to ““let them know?” Can’t they understand that my mind is so numb I can’t even think of what needs to be done?

05May 2022

Why Leni-Kiko

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ Leave a Comment

I have a confession to make. In 2016, Ayoko Kay leni Robredo because Dilawan siya. But I got to interview her with my fellow bloggers for almost 2 hours . In our interview she said she had plans for anti poverty program.

At ginawa talaga niya. Angat Buhay started in October 2016. Mas lalo ako bilib sa kanya.

Angat Buhay is her anti poverty program under the Office of the Vice President.

As of December 2021, the OVP, through Angat Buhay, has partnered with 372 organizations mobilizing a total of P520 million worth of resources to assist 321,001 families and 305,223 individuals in 223 communities nationwide.

Some of the projects under the program are the Angat Buhay villages in Bicol and Marawi, medical assistance, and the construction of health centers and classrooms, among others. Imagine if she is president. She will make ANGAT Buhay lahat even bigger.

Two out of many reasons “Why Leni”. If president , she will push for a bill for a P100 billion stimulus package for MSMEs to help rebuild our economy while also making sure people don’t lose their jobs. Meron din balak ng Unemployment Insurance Program where you will get 80% of 3 months worth of their previous salary . This is what I will campaign when asked about her concrete plans.

Marami nag sabi wala siyang ginawa. I only knew of her achievements last year. Hindi siya epal. Her weakness and strength is she didn’t want to publicize her achievements. At that time, she had no intentions to run for President. She just kept on working.

These are her achievements

COVID -19 RESPONSE
1. P503 Million COVID-19 Response.
2. P58.84 Million Testing Kits.
3. P64.70 Million PPES.
4. P43.98 Million Dormitories for Frontliners.
5. P35.60 Million Disaster Relief Operations.
6. P20.43 Million Gadgets for students.
7. P17.28 Million locally funded projects.
8. P14 Million Hot meals for Health workers.
9. P2.5 Million support towards employees exposed to COVID-10.
10. P1.4 Million Hazard Pay for regular employees.
11. P817,000 Hazard Pay for the contract of service employees.
12. P249,500 Hazard Pay for contractual employees.
13. 23,345 Frontliners served through Vaccine Express, Cab Swab, Free Shuttle.
14. Community Mart sa Quezon City at Pasig para sa mga small-time market vendors
at tricycle drivers na naapektuhan ng pandemya.
15. Vaccine Express initiative that inoculated 500 Aetas in Barangay Sta. Juliana.
16. Leni backed the passage into law of the Unemployment Insurance Bill that will create an unemployment insurance system to protect Filipinos who have lost their jobs due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

DISASTER RELIEF/HOUSING
17. P12.3 Billion total value of given help to families.
18. P42.17 Million worth of help given to communities.
19. P12.80 Million contribution towards transitory shelters and shelter kits for Marawi
20. P207,244 or 1,022 individuals given relief ops.
21. P23.86 Million from the VP fund was shelled out for the victims of the Taal
Volcano, Typhoon Quinta, Super Typhoon Rolly, and Typhoon Ulysses.
22. P8.841 Million donations were collected for the Taal eruption.
23. P2.360 Million donations were collected for Typhoons.
24. 12,489 families’ homes were repaired due to disaster-related damages.
25. 92,600 Light Bulbs given to homes in Metro Manila.
26. 3,776+ Households have been given electricity through the OVP’s Angat Buhay.
27. Assistance to at least 11 towns in Batangas, 1 in Cavite after the volcanic eruption, reaching at least 22.047 families in the two provinces.
28. 87 municipalities across 11 provinces were given aid that reached at least 56,148 families after the typhoons.
29. The OVP turned over pet supplies donated by different organizations to the
Philippine Animal Rescue Team. This is to help in taking care of around 600 animals.
30. Leni has proposed the construction of stronger evacuation centers that not only
will withstand natural calamities but will also accommodate pets and livestock.
31. Leni wants to strengthen the rescue capabilities of barangay officials.
32. In 2020, Leni together with the OVP’s partner-agencies provided boats for Aurora fisherfolk affected by typhoons.
33. After the Typhoon Ulysses calamity, Leni says that climate change should be taken seriously.
34. Leni recognizes that there is a “global climate emergency,” and values conversations on the issue. She supports instructional changes towards fossil fuel
independence.

POVERTY REDUCTION
35. Leni was a practicing lawyer who focused on cases involving the marginalized sector.
36. P441.14 Million worth of resources mobilized through the OVP’s Angat Buhay with 330 partnered organizations.
37.341,779 families helped or 221,122 individuals in 381 communities nationwide
through the OVP’s Angat Buhay.
38. P8.93 Million worth of projects, farm inputs, livestock, development and training
wherein 127 individuals and 18 accredited Civil Society Organizations were assisted.

EDUKASYON
39. P122.96 Million worth of Educational infrastructure built.
40. P8.27 Million worth of School kits.
41. P4.49 Million worth of Scholarships and technical training.
42. P19.75 Million appraised value of gadgets and items raised via Kaya Natin donation drive for Bayanihan E-skwela, Community learning hubs, instructional videos for
teachers and parents.
43. Leni wants SPED centers in all public schools.
44. Noong siya ay Housing Chief, she pushed to build communities that are friendly to persons with disabilities.
45. The OVP partnered with USAID and PBEd to provide free technical-vocational skills and employability training for over 1,000 unemployed and out-of-school Filipino youth.

BILLS AUTHORED
46. Principal Author of HB 19 or the Full Disclosure Bill.
47. Principal Author of HB 3905 or the Participatory Budget Process Bill.
48. Principal Author of HB 4911 or the People Empowerment Bill.
49. Co-author of HB 3432 or the Comprehensive Anti-Discrimination Bill.
50. Co-author of HB 3587 or the Anti-Political Dynasty Bill.

04Apr 2022

Breaking the bias with women creators on YouTube

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ Leave a Comment

It has nothing to do with age. I was in my early 60s when I embarked on my journey as a coffee producer. Knowing nothing about coffee production , I was able to overcome my insecurities by just doing it. It’s never too late to start something out of your comfort zone.

Women have long fought for equality and while the road has often been filled with ups and downs, stories of women finding strength within themselves and using it to help other women find theirs has always been at the forefront of the journey towards women empowerment.

This Women’s Month, YouTube celebrated women content creators who were able to break the bias and chart their own journeys of equality in an online event titled Breaking the Bias: Online and beyond on March 30.

“The theme for this year’s Women’s Month is ‘Break The Bias’ which resonates so much with me. I myself experienced this. I felt that I had to break the biases that are attached to being a woman back in the day when I was just starting in the tech industry,” said Bernadette Nacario, Google Philippines Country Director.

“I believe that in order for us to break the bias, one of the steps we have to take is to ‘Ask Her First’. The simple habit of asking, rather than assuming, can lead more women to realizing their full potential and succeeding in what they choose to do,” Nacario added.

Hosted by Nikki Gil-Albert, the event highlighted the challenges women face–from body-shaming to dealing with disabilities–how they rose above it and how they encourage others to do the same.

Breaking biases online and offline

“Growing up, the beauty standard was all about being sexy and in order to be sexy, you needed to go on a diet. As a plus-size woman, I did not fit those standards,” said Helen Payawal of Helen On Fleek.

Helen is a beauty and lifestyle content creator who runs her own clothing and swimwear line. When she became a content creator, she revealed that she often came across comments about her size and how “it’s embarrassing” seeing a person like her wearing swimsuits.

That didn’t stop her from doing what she loves–vlogging and traveling–and if that didn’t stop her, her “curvybabes” shouldn’t either.

“A lot of us felt insecure growing up. But there’s this one quote that a friend shared to me that I will never forget — ‘Be someone who you needed when you were younger,’” she said. “I want to be someone who can inspire my fellow plus-size women that once you get over the shyness and what people would think about you because you are different, you will be limitless. At the end of the day, it’s your happiness that matters.”

For Jozelle Tech, a content creator and CEO of her own brand creative consulting firm The Rolling Media, living as a differently-abled person sometimes has challenges beyond the disability itself.

“Living as a physically-challenged person, people are prone to assumptions: that I would need help or that I won’t be able to do certain things,” Jozelle said.

Jozelle Tech

Jozelle was born with Spinal Muscular Atrophy and uses a wheelchair to move around. This has led to many instances of people talking over her or asking her companion about her instead of directly asking her.

“They think I can’t handle the conversation on my own. The crazy thing about this is I’m right in front of them,” she explained. “By approaching my companion first, I’d feel like you see me as someone unequal or incapable.”

“This is why it’s very important to educate people about the right approach or way of asking questions. Sometimes comments like ‘can you do that’ can do more harm than good,” Nikki pointed out.

This is why Jozelle, through her YouTube channel, seeks not only to inspire others like her into following their passions but also helping people to change how they treat differently-abled people.

Building a world of strong, confident women

As a Muslim Filipina, Egypa Balindong felt that while being a woman is struggle enough, being a young Muslim woman and a minority is an even bigger struggle.

“People will always question your talent, capacity, and credibility and they will discredit your achievements just because you’re a woman,” Egypa said.

She was able to turn these challenges into opportunities as the filmmaker used her YouTube channel to show her life as a Maranao, as a Muslim, and most of all, as an empowered woman.

“I had to be brave enough to educate people about my culture and religion. By simply sharing my daily life with my friends and family, I was able to make people see that we are not different,” she said.

The world has come a long way but there is still more that needs to be done, especially when it comes to creating a world where women are empowered.

Mothers like Arra Solis (Rookie Mommy PH) play a major role in that regard. As mother to her young daughter and as a businesswoman, she has taken it upon herself to set an example that a woman can do anything she sets her mind on doing.

Before being a work-from-home mom and entrepreneur, Arra used to have a regular office job. She recalled that one of the difficulties she faced was being passed over when it comes to leadership positions or having decisions made for her.

“I was never really asked first if I wanted to do something or if I’m able to do it. This is when I learned to speak up and have people listen,” she explained before adding that she wishes her daughter would grow up in a world where such challenges are no more.

“I’m hoping that we get to a place where gender, skin color, religion, etc will not hinder her from getting the career path she wanted, may it be to take on a leadership role in a company or to start a business,” she added.

Learn more about how to #AskHerFist and #BreakTheBias to create a more inclusive place for women. Listen to their stories on the Google Philippines YouTube and Facebook pages.

25Feb 2022

“The power of the people is much stronger than the people in power”

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ 10 Comments

“Because I think the Filipino is worth crying for”. David Briscoe, February 25, 1986

I felt my baby tumble with joy inside my belly as the announcement from the radio blasted out that indeed Cory Aquino was our new president. My baby is turning 34 years old just as we celebrate the EDSA People Power celebration this year. Yes, it has been 34 years since my joy came in a stream of tears. There were many reasons worth crying for: a sign of relief from the threats of a civil war, the challenges facing the new President, for the citizenry who finally showed the courage to challenge the Marcoses.

I smiled and caressed my belly, assuring my unborn baby that she will now be born in a democracy. As a new mother, I desired nothing else but peace, not the turmoil that was about to explode with the election cheating done under a dictatorial regime. Fighting the dictatorship was a struggle I fought for as a student in the state university.

Ang sarap maging Filipino.

For many years, I idolized Cory Aquino. I looked up to Cory Aquino for having the courage to fight a dictator and restore a democracy. I am forever grateful for that. Never mind if her government faced many power struggles. Never mind if Kamaganak Inc allegedly gained from her presidency. Many years in denial. It took the same daughter to shake off that “romantic affair” with the People power revolution. It is easy to romanticize while pondering at what EDSA meant.

The same daughter that somersaulted inside me 34 years ago questioned my initial support for Noynoy Aquino when I wrote the entry, Noynoy Aquino- The Gate Changer. What were his qualifications? Just because he is the son of a beloved president? I mused and perused. It took my wise daughter born at the peak of the People power revolution fever to awaken me from that stupor. I thought I knew all the answers for the future citizens of the country. Mommies can make a mistake too. This time around, I did not allow my “cory fan mode” to cloud my judgement over the euphoria of People Power. I soon got disillusioned with her presidency.

I agree that despite the people’s victory at EDSA 36 years ago, the Philippines remain beset by serious social problems. The mere changing of presidents – from Marcos to Aquino to Duterte–were not enough to change the rotten system. We should not rely solely on our leaders to achieve change.

Mommies know what is best for their children, but this time, my children knew what is best for them.

Listen to your children. Discuss the issues and their future,

Mommy power is in our hands.

Yesterday marked my blog’s 16th anniversary and this blog transcended beyond just a grief advocacy blog. The domain name, aboutmyrecovery.com not only speaks about my personal recovery.

My blog aboutmyrecovery.com now encompasses the recovery of our country and the struggles to achieve it. It is now about a mom trying to make a difference for the future of my children and the future of my country.

“Enemies of democracy will as usual try to use the last 30 years of failed governance to downplay 1986. Not because they care about addressing the failure of both pre and post ’86 governments, but because they want us to forget that the people hold the true power to create change.”, says Diego Magallona

I hope that the current generation continues to uphold the lessons of “people power” and continue the struggle for national freedom and democracy. We should continue to intensify our collective struggle because we cannot rely on government or any politician to achieve radical, thoroughgoing change.

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

(this is an update to my post originally written ten years ago)

13Feb 2022

25 random things about the love of my life

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado

I know I will embarrass my husband with this post. I wrote this list a couple of years ago but I just want to revive this for Valentine’s day. He tells me that his friends read my blog but I assure him I only write the good stuff. haha.

For now, Let me count the ways:

1. I love the way my husband smiles across the room as I sit down and write this entry. To this day, my husband gazes at me lovingly (on random moments) as if it’s the first time he met me. As if I am the most attractive woman in the world.

2. I love my husband’s persistence. He refused to let me go when I told him that “I have had enough. I want a separation”. With courage and love, we got our second wind.

3. I love his courage to change, the way he let go of unhealthy behavior patterns as we worked on achieving our new normal after the death of Luijoe.

4. I love living with him one day at a time which requires so much faith in us. We don’t look back at the past unless healing from the past is part of today’s work. We look ahead to make future plans. We focus on this day’s activity, living it to the best of our ability.

5. I love that we sit down and laugh over our favorite show, or laughing together at the silliest things on TV.

6. I love the way my head fits nicely on his chest when we cuddle in front of the TV set.

7. I love that he does the grocery every weekend.

8. I love the warmth of his hands as we hold hands in the mall.

9. I love those random wet kisses even if I tell him “not now, the kids!”. The random display of affection in front of my horrified girls who often shriek ““Dad, Mom..no!” Their disgusted looks are priceless.

10. I love the way he took care of me at the hospital when I broke my leg and needed surgery. I had already left him that time and insisted that I live with him.

11. I love the affirmation. He assures me that I am beautiful even during those days I feel ugly or just having a bad hair day.

12. I love his frugal nature even if it means buying roses close to midnight of Valentine’s day.

13. I love our inner child moments when we play with our imaginary cats in “Neko Atsume”. It’s just good that we can giggle and let our hair down more often now.

14. I love to reminisce over our love story and the ups and downs that came along in our marriage. We like to look back and laugh at our stupid mistakes.

15. I love that he allowed me to own a pet cat knowing that he is allergic to cat fur.

16. I love the fact that he tries to treat everyday as Always Valentine’s Day.

17. I love watching the sunset with him while holding hands along Manila Bay.

18. I love our emails. I always close my email or chat with ““your loving wife”, or ““love and kisses” or ““your sexy wife” ““love you”. In turn he affirms my email with ““Dear Loving Wife..” or ends our chat ““see you , dear or I love you”. We never tire of saying sweet nothings to each other.

19. I love the daily text messages that affirms his love for me. And vice-versa, of course.

20. I love the recipe books that he regularly buys me.

21. I love the way he pretends to be shocked when I suggest something “sensual”.

22. I love random romantic moments. Buying me flowers when there is no occasion. Butch rarely buys me flowers but there are those days when he buys a bouquet just because.

23. I love our movie dates and munching popcorn. Just being there , holding hands and acting as if we are still steadies on a date.

24. I love his endearment to me which is calling me a punk. I don’t know why he calls me punk but I find it such an original endearment. I admit I can be a punk and a bitch.

25. I love that the good stuff I listed above more than surpass his annoying ways.

There are more than 25 ways my husband shows his love to me. We often say that we will love each other till eternal life. Our wedding vows are ““till death do us part” and should end there. Our belief that our son is in heaven gives us hope for eternal life. We look forward to more loving years of togetherness.

15Dec 2021

How does one cope with the Holiday Blues?

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ 10 Comments

There is nothing abnormal about having the “holiday blues,” which are more like a mood than any sort of lasting condition. Depression, anxiety, and other psychological symptoms are associated with the holidays because this season brings back memories of a happier time in our lives.

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A few Christmases ago, I received an email from my husband about how he suddenly felt pangs of holiday blues hitting him once again. For the past years, the Christmas season has been a dreaded holiday for my husband. When he is in that mood, he can’t stand those Christmas carols, bombarding him from the car stereo, malls, restaurants and even in our own home. Like most of us, the holidays bring pleasant memories, laughter, family togetherness, the element of surprise, and lots of holiday cheer. Holiday blues hit those wishing to recapture feelings associated with past , real or fantasized past holidays.

I know my husband is not alone and thought of some of you who may feel the holiday blues.

Who gets affected by the holiday blues?

Victims of disaster areas. For instance, those who lost their homes and work because of Typhoon Odette.
Photo source: Twitter account of VP Leni Robredo. Scene is from Cebu

2. Families of overseas workers. They see other happy families who are together on Christmas day and wonder when they will be all together one Christmas day. The song, I’ll Be Home for Christmas is a classic for all those living from a distance.

3. Soldiers, doctors, nurses and medical staff who have to work on Christmas day.

4. Those who have recently lost a loved one.

5. Couples who are estranged or are apart during the holidays. Now we know where the song, Pasko na Sinta ko is dedicated to.

6. Individuals who are single and lonely and see other couples so sweet and cuddly as they walk past them.

7. Those who experience financial pressures on the holidays including purchase of gifts, clothes and party items.

8. Those who experience unrealistic expectations from friends, church or work associates to take part in seasonal activities outside of your normal routine.

9. Those who feel conflicting family expectations and demands that create guilt and resentment.

and many more who are separated from loved ones, because of death, distance and illness.

My beloved son, Luijoe and my two girls

That night I gave my husband a hug as we cuddled in bed , then told him that I have been writing the Holiday Blues and Coping and Surviving Christmas on the month of December for the past years. I fired up my browser and read those two entries to him. He smiled. “your entries are still relevant even if it is old”. What caught his attention is this portion:

You or your loved one might have a temporary spell of the blues without knowing it. There is nothing abnormal about having the “holiday blues,” which are more like a mood than any sort of lasting condition. Depression, anxiety, and other psychological symptoms are associated with the holidays because this season brings back memories of a happier time in our lives.

Then we talked of our progress the past years, especially in creating new holiday traditions, one of which was to start and take part in comforting other families in grief and even starting this blog.

I continued to cradle my husband in my arms. As I droned on and on, I suddenly heard unearthly sounds of his snoring. He must have felt some bit of comfort knowing that this too shall pass.

Not that I don’t miss my son or feel any holiday blues. I feel the pangs now and then and tears fall. I just say to myself, “this will pass. Go with the flow”. December 5 was my dad’s 13th death anniversary and I feel a tug in my heart but I also recall his booming laughter that never fails to lift my spirits.

Yes, despite the blues, it is still possible to sing ‘Tis the season to be jolly, fa-la-la-la-la.

How you can beat the blues?

First, How will you recognize you have the blues?

How will you recognize you have the blues?

Headaches
An inability to sleep or sleeping too much
Changes in appetite that cause either weight loss or gain
Agitation and anxiety
Excessive or inappropriate feelings of guilt
Diminished ability to think clearly or concentrate
Decreased interest in activities that usually are enjoyable, such as: food, sex, work, friends, hobbies and entertainment.

Second, How does one cope with the Holiday Blues?

How does one cope with the Holiday Blues?

For anyone feeling blue during the holidays can follow some very basic, common sense steps to help in coping with the blues.

Take things one day at a time and if need be one hour at a time.
Try to maintain a normal routine. Keep doing your normal daily activities.
Get enough sleep or at least enough rest.
Regular exercise, even walking, helps relieve stress, tension and improve moods.
Eat a healthy, balanced diet. Limit high-calorie foods and junk food.
Avoid using alcohol, medications or other drugs to mask the pain.
Do those activities or things and be with the people that comfort, sustain, nourish, and recharge you.
Remember the healthy coping strategies you have used in the past to survive challenges. Draw on these strengths again.

What does one do to feel less blue during the Holidays

There are several things that can help in making it easier to manage the blues.

Determine your priorities and establish realistic goals for the holidays.
Delegate some responsibilities to others.
Take time for yourself.
Minimize financial stressors by setting a budget and sticking to it.
Enjoy free holiday activities.
Think about giving a free gift from your heart. Your time or your presence.
Be around supportive people.
Volunteer and help someone else.
Create a New Holiday Tradition.
Find a new place or a new way to celebrate.

Just take baby steps if all these overwhelming.

Source: Holiday Blues – Feeling Sad, Lonely or Depressed During the Holidays?

Image via steamboatcounseling.com

13Oct 2021

Suicide and Mental Illness Myths in the Philippines

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ 13 Comments

I started this blog so I could spread the word that the Philippines has The Compassionate Friends , a grief support group for families that have lost a child or a sibling. Aside from its primary mission to assist families toward the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child of any age, it also provides information to help others be supportive. The second mission proved useful to a blogger whose friend’s sibling died of sucide. (NOTE:In my entry, Suicide:How do you say it?, ““Died of suicide” or ““died by suicide” are accurate, emotionally neutral ways to explain the death.)

What a compassionate friend she is! She took time to send me an e-mail asking my advice on how to deal with her close friend’s loss. I just told her this:

The best thing to do is just listen to her without any judgement at all. In short, just be a friend, Be there, If she wants to talk, let her talk. Listen. If you feel like crying, just cry with her. Hold her hand. Hug her. There are no words that can comfort really. Mention the loved one’s name and anecdotes if you have memories…we love to listen to stories of our loved one.

I also offered her some tips when dealing with bereaved family member or friend. True enough, just talking helped her friend and even the friend’s mother. Suicide is the most difficult topic to talk about. I know of a few suicide survivors (bereaved family members) who refuse to even say the “S” word. A trusted friend is what the suicide survivor needs in their early grief, one who is non-judgmental and compassionate. Talking helps relieve the pain.

The suicide survivor usually feels isolated and guilty for not having prevented the death one way or another. Guilt combined with incomprehension is what I think makes suicide different from any other death. It’s very hard to make any sense of it. All the Whys? and What ifs? that you can think of remain with them for such a long time. But the question remains, what causes death by suicide? Could it have been prevented?

I don’t have statistics or studies to prove that it can be prevented because there are many factors that might have caused the death (see above image). Let me just tackle one myth which is suicide ideation as a result of mental illness. These are my observations from informal discussion on the topic of mental illness and suicide.

1. There is a stigma on people who have mental illness. Heck , even some Human Resources officers frown upon job applicants and employees taking some sort of anti-depressants or mood disorder drugs. Often, these people are labelled “mentally unstable”. The fact that they are taking medicines show they are helping themselves and are less likely to be “unstable”. What is scary are the undiagnosed mentally ill persons like Charles Roberts,that milkman who killed Amish girls in a school house.

2. Oftentimes, the death was a result of a chemical imbalance that controlled the person; it was not a rational choice. Often a victim of bipolar disorder, also called manic depression, this type of depression results to drastic mood swings. They often get confused and very afraid for years before they finally give in and end their life. With the right medication and enough holisitic therapy, the mental depression can be minimized. Sometimes the medication may not even work for the patient and it’s a matter of regular visits to the psychiatrist to determine the right dose and type of medication.

3. Despair is a sin, the old folks say. Feeling gloomy, and desperate can be easily cured if one has strong spiritual faith. I don’t think so. It might help but remember, a chemically imbalanced brain isn’t wired well. “You will get over it . Don’t lose faith. Keep praying.” are often the words given to the desperate person. But God asks us to help ourselves and seek medical help.

Shame often prevents a person from seeking medical help because of this stigma towards mental illness. And even if they ask for help, the gravity of their problem is minimized as mere despair. Oh yes, I know of one death by suicide from a friend because of this reason alone.

Suicide survivors, like this blogger’s friend, will most likely struggle for many years, to find reasons why her sibling would even consider death by suicide. Were there other available options? What if one of these other options had been considered? All these questions make the grieving process last even longer. However long the process, this search for meaning, safe sharing with others and time, helps diminish the suffering. The sad fact remains that there is so much stigma surrounding death by suicide which is very regrettable. Maybe someday, a suicide survivor will discover it’s safe to share their stories with friends , families and other survivors.

Save a life. Read more on General information about suicide and suicide prevention

For Suicide Prevention Hotline in the Philippines,

The Philippines’ FIRST depression and suicide prevention hotline is now open.

Hopeline PH’s 24/7 hotlines: 0917-558-4673 (Globe)

0918-873-4673 (Smart)

02-88044673 (PLDT)

2919 (toll-free for Globe and TM)