Touched by An Angel

23Sep 2021

Parents leave two legacies to their kids- one is roots, the other wings

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ Leave a Comment

Parents leave behind two legacies to their children— one is roots, the other wings. It starts with being responsible parents.

Whenever news about a mother is sensationalized or controversial, my readers ask for my reaction. I tell them that I cannot judge on what a parent should or should not do. Like any parent, I made mistakes in the past, learned from them and never did it again. Now the next question comes up with “How do you know whether you are being responsible or irresponsible ?” How do we teach our children what it means and how to act accordingly? Ellen Schrier on “What Exactly IS A “Responsible” Parent?” gave me wonderful insights on parenting without being preachy and calls upon your better judgment, maternal instinct and being honest about your role as a parent.

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It is actually simple. Remember these key phrases. To be responsible means to respond appropriately.

Let’s test certain situations that you can peruse over.

What if … your two year old toddler got hold of your scissors and is about to give your one year old baby boy a hair cut? Do you watch in amusement as your toddler throws an impish smile? Does it occur to you that the appropriate response is to firmly say “No you can’t do that” and remove the sharp scissors from her hands before anyone gets hurt. Your toddler is not aware of the dangers of handling the scissors. She sees you use it to cut her hair but as a parent, it is our job to keep everyone safe.

What if … you are at a family reunion where relatives often open a bottle of wine with their dinner. Someone asks you if your 11-year-old daughter can take a little wine since the dinner is a special celebration. Your daughter is the youngest among the other family members. The rest of her cousins are allowed to drink. What is the responsible thing to do?

Well, remember the key words, to be responsible means to respond appropriately. What are the facts? Isn’t it your rule and that of Philippine laws that young children are not allowed to drink alcohol? If you allow her to drink wine, even just a sip, she gets the message that laws are negotiable. Is that an appropriate message to send to your daughter?

What if … your seven-year-old never joins you at the dinner table because he is never hungry. He prefers to snack every hour, a habit that started when he was a toddler. He looks healthy, and a overweight and you hate to argue with him. Are you being responsible in letting the unsupervised snacking continue at the expense of eating at the dinner table with the family?

Well, think about it. Is it part of your job as parent to make sure your child meets his daily nutritional needs? Of course, you nod. Is it part of your job to teach him on social skills and engage in conversations? Yes, for sure. Isn’t it your duty to check if your child does not go over his desired weight? What then would be the appropriate response? It’s pretty obvious that you have to figure out a way to break the bad habit that has been established, right? That would be the responsible (appropriate, given your role as parent) thing to do.

What if … your one year old child is restless and experiencing low-grade fever. You already took her to the pediatrician three days ago. The doctor examined her and brushed away your concerns and blamed the not-so-serious-virus. You are the person in charge of your child’s welfare. A nagging feeling inside you says something wrong. Is it appropriate to discount your own intuition? Or should you see another pediatrician for a second opinion.

What if … you overhear your 14-year-old’s friends laughing at their drunken behavior in a party last night? Would it be responsible to deny that you didn’t hear this conversation? Or, do you have an obligation to bring it out with your daughter and her friends and discuss the incident at the party? What is the appropriate response when faced with this kind of information?

Now you have an idea on being a responsible parent is. If faced with a sticky situation, ask yourself “I wonder whether I’m being responsible here.”

I believe the rules of parents are all but three. Love , Limit and Let them be. For your children to understand appropriate behavior, let them know you love them, set the boundaries, be consistent and know that you can’t be with them 24/7. There is a time to let go. What we hope most for our children is that they soar confidently in their own sky, whatever that may be.

14Aug 2021

On being a YouTube Creator (in news)

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ Leave a Comment

I never imagined dabbling in video production much less being a program participant of the YouTube Creator Program for Independent Journalists. I just arrived in my hospital room after an angiogram procedure on July 15 when I checked my emails with my left hand. My cardiologist told me that I shouldn’t move my right hand until I got the clearance.

I thought, “wow, they had to inform me I didn’t get accepted”. I applied two days before the deadline, and went through an interview and heard nothing since June. I really thought I was not accepted so why was the email congratulating me. It was the second good news within one hour. First, the angiogram showed I had no blockage in my heart. Second, this news saying I am IN . Though I have a YouTube channel for 14 years now, I never made any effort to create interesting videos. I concentrated mostly on short form and long form written content. All of my videos were raw files from my coverage. Also, for the past four years, I concentrated on being a budding coffee producer. In fact, I started creating videos of our Agnep coffee farm but not for social issues.

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I couldn’t tell the good news until a blog post was released on August 5 entitled “Supporting the news industry and next-generation journalists on YouTube”

Imagine my surprise! Part of announcement :

We’re excited to announce today the selection of nearly 50 independent journalists and over 40 digital-first newsrooms across the programs. Our Creator Program for Independent Journalists aims to give the growing number of reporters publishing independently the tools needed to succeed on YouTube. And the Sustainability Lab for Digital-First Newsrooms provides support for digital native newsrooms to start and expand their video operations.

While I am happy to be one of the 50 participants, I am disappointed to be the only one in the Philippines. It would have been fun to learn from each other. Still, I am grateful to learn from my cohorts. Training started on basic video production. More will come during the year.

YouTube said that “over the course of the next year, we’ll offer journalists in the Creator Program training in industry best practices, including comprehensive sessions on video production and editing, audience development, entrepreneurship, and achieving financial sustainability on the platform. Participants will receive grants to help fuel their new video operations.”

So I am thinking of my content for the years to come. Developing a social media campaign requires a lot of thought, time and effort, especially in human rights work and social advocacy. Underrepresented stories I have covered are the victims of extrajudicial killings and the harassment of indigenous communities. The needs of our farmers, laborers and the marginalized sectors are issues I have covered and continue to write. Let me know if there are urgent issues I need to cover.

If you have been a regular visitor of my blog for the past 15 years, you would have known my journey. This latest gig is another chapter of my new normal in honor of my beloved son who made sure I had some mission to fulfill in this mortal world. This is my journey

24Jun 2021

Old Fashioned Parenting Style: What’s in or what’s still in?

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ 8 Comments

I was laughing when I saw a comment on my entry, Computer Game and Internet Addiction

i also believe that you are a old-fashioned and controlling parent. Times have changed.

The above comment is partially true . I am an old-fashioned parent, a child of old-fashioned parents but the difference is I have adapted to the times. Old fashion parenting style never goes out of fashion. Part of the parenting style needs some control of the environment our children live. Can you imagine if I allowed my children to be online 5 hours a day or watch TV all afternoon? Call me an old fashion parent if that’s the case. True, times have changed and I have my own definition of “what’s in” and “what’s out” in parenting style.

What’s in or what’s still in

1. Instill parental guidance and discipline of young kids age twelve years old and below. This is true for TV, movies, internet, games, books. Unfortunately, not all of what children learn from TV is beneficial. TV programs often present a very selective view of life, with glamor in stark contrast to the real people children come into contact with. Remember that 7-year-old boy that shot his yaya (babysitter) a few years ago? The young boy was watching his favorite TV show depicting violence when the caregiver told him to turn it off. In the kids rage, he got his dad’s gun and shot his babysitter.

2. Raise children with imagination and curiosity. Nowadays, when we enter the toy store , we see an array of toys that require batteries, have flashing lights or look like your child’s favorite movie character. We still need to fill our houses with some of the following old-fashioned items like : books, felt boards, musical instruments, blocks and legos, art supplies, kitchen play, puppets to mention a few.

3. When children hit adolescence, we should allow them to express their feelings and reach a compromise. They also need to know this is the rule today and it’s not going to change tomorrow. Consistency is really important to our children. With our girls, we set rules on party curfew times, the age when they can go dating (age 16), telephone limits, study time and household responsibilities. My husband had some difficulty adjusting to the teens fashion. Anything without a sleeve was deemed “slutty”.

Now what’s out?

1. Punishment is out of fashion. During my childhood days, my mother planted a guava tree for the purpose of using the guava branch for whipping us when we were naughty. According to her, a guava branch is resilient. Ugh, I remember those days when mom would holler to the maid “Get the guava branch.” I remember trembling like a quivering guava leaf whenever I’d hear those harsh words. I can’t remember our offense now, but the welt marks often left blood streaks on our legs. I could barely walk when that happened. It is a cruel punishment and even as a kid, I found no logic in this. Sometimes mom would pinch us for minor offenses. Another variation is using the belt or slipper. This type of punishment is terribly old-fashioned. I don’t know if parents of my generation use this type of physical punishment.

2. “Children are meant to be seen not heard” is outdated. During parties or occasion, some old folks separate the children from the adults. On one occasion, one of my daughters fumed after an uncle kept asking her opinion on a local star’s talent. She wished that her relatives would ask more thought-provoking questions on current issues, on her studies, hopes and ambitions.

There is more to this list of good old parenting style. I’m sure you have your own list. One thing remains: Old fashioned parenting style of love, guidance and discipline never changes with the time.

27May 2021

A letter to my son in heaven

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ 12 Comments

Dear Luijoe,

It’s been 21 years . 21 years today…

without seeing your impish smile,
without receiving wild flowers with a note “I love you so very much, mama”
without your gentle reminder to pray
without your lectures on parenting,
without your crazy jokes
without pinching your handsome cheeks

These are all vibrant memories now tucked in my heart, which I stitched back together.

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Oh yes. The tears still stream down my cheeks just like today, because I miss you terribly. Love never died, even if you are gone from my embrace. Seventeen years ago, I felt the world swallowed me up. I thought I could not live with the unbearable, gut-wrenching pain in my heart. At times, I thought I went crazy. I barely survived. I had to find that courage to live because your two sisters and dad needed me. That difficult journey left me literally with a broken heart but not too broken, because why did God give me a second wind in life to make a difference in this mortal world?

Last night I asked your dad what would I be doing right now if you were still here. Definitely not a blogger. You know I only blogged because I wanted to comfort others in pain like me. This pain that will always be part of me for the rest of my life. Look, even VeePress thought my blog dedicated to you is worthy to be an ebook.

Come to think of it, I would probably still be a stay-at-home- mom until you leave home, like your two sisters did.

I wonder if you would still lecture me on “mom…it is like this..” You and your sisters were the best teachers on parenting that books could not deliver. I learned so much.

Today, I reflect on this new life, this new normal without you. From a zombie-like existence, I chose to live a meaningful life not for myself initially, but because I knew you would have wanted me to choose happiness over misery. This new normal is not anymore for you but for myself.

My new life is so much better. I should feel guilty because I would trade my life in an instant if I could have you back in my arms. But see, I love who I am now ever since you died 21 years ago. I don’t recognize my old self. Back then, my life purpose was to be just a doting mother to you and your two sisters, apathetic to what happened outside our cozy home. How could I ever imagine a life after a death of my precious child? Impossible, but I did. It must be true that you are here with me, your spiritual presence, and just standing by me , encouraging me to move on with my new normal.

Today, I give back this gratitude for the joy of this new life I have been blessed. I hope you are proud of me. I want to be a blessing to others and to my country. I am having the time of my life yet at times face challenges in fighting for a cause like that crying boy, Kian delos Santos, human rights, and other worthy issues. The lessons of the pain brought by your death gave me courage to carry on this fight.

When the going gets rough, I just tell myself, “You can get through this. You have gone through worse. This pain is nothing compared to losing Luijoe”.

So that is how life has been, my Luijoe. Your death gave me courage to continue to fight what is right, that wherever there is life there is hope.

I miss you so much right here where I belong.

I miss for the loss of what a handsome man you would have become (almost 28 years old now, but instead you are forever six years old.).

I miss the loss of the life I would have if you were here.

I miss those times you would point to that lovely blue and white house where you promised to build one for me in the future. Now that I think of it, this house you promised will come forth in eternal life, when we meet again.

For the past 17 years, visiting the cemetery, bringing bouquet and honoring your life is what we can only do.

I will soon be there by your resting place , with a bunch of flowers and a note etched in my heart “I love you so very much, Luijoe”.

Love.
Mama

03May 2021

Setting Boundaries for the Plastic or Unhealthy Persons

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ 11 Comments

A few years ago at Plurk, once my favorite micro-blogging social networking tool, a plurk caught my attention:

Someone asked civiland plastic what is the diff? Does it annoy you? When you learn someone is plastic?

My friend goes further to explain that

Civilis being nice and mannered while plastic is brown nosing. Does it annoy me? There are times of course I am only human.
Plastic has the element of design or wanting something. You trust less the plastic. Anyway, that is for me.

What I found interesting is a Plurk Friend’s response :most people confuse being polite and the social graces with “plastic”.

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Imagine the following scenario.

The People Pleaser

Ever notice this person running around, fussing over others, chattering a mile-a-minute when what they are really saying is “I hope I’m pleasing you”. Now there is nothing wrong with trying to please people. But People-pleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with them, the people pleaser often gets annoyed when the intent to please did not work as planned. The most comfortable people are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.

Is the People Pleaser a civil or plastic person?

The Polite Person

Imagine two friends having an argument inside the mall over a guy named Mario. Let’s call Anna as the One who is seething with rage, raising her voice and about to pull the hair of the second girl named Betty. She suspects that Mario is flirting with Betty. Betty appears calm and collected even when…

Anna: Why? You are so plastic! F*&%&& you! I know you like Mario. What a bitch you are! I want to know the truth. Did you go out on a date?

Betty: Excuse me, I don’t want to talk to you like this. Maybe we can talk some other time.

Anna: Why are you evading my question? I want you to be honest with me.

Betty leaves Anna.

Is Betty a civil or plastic person?

The Arrogant Person

Arrogance is not the same as being proud or even opinionated as most bloggers are. Arrogant people seem to think that they know everything, and they can really get on your nerves. They are condescending and exerts superiority over you. But see, arrogant people are really quite insecure. They seek to dominate and control because they are afraid of being dominated and controlled. Their superiority comes to a point where they humiliate you in public through insults. (An honest opinion is not an insult if it was solicited.) Now, an arrogant person who is intimidating you feels inferior to someone else because this is how his mind works, this arrogance may be nothing more than a way to cover feelings of inferiority he experiences when dealing with someone else.

Does the arrogant person lack civility or social graces?

The Frank Person

Is the arrogant person the same as the Frank Person, one who is honest about his feelings or opinion? No. I know friends who are literally honest to a fault. They have trouble even telling little white lies to protect other people’s feelings. There are times when lying is the lesser of the available evils.

Sometimes, the sensitive person wants the “Frank Person” to sugarcoat their honesty. Truth hurts sometimes so be gentle with me, okay?

Sometimes, the frank person is also known as rude for speaking the truth.

Should the frank person learn to be more civil or plastic?

Looking at all these scenarios, I believe I meet these persons every day of my life. If an arrogant person bashes me, do I bash back? Most probably not.

Does it make me plastic for not reacting in the same unhealthy manner? Nope

Does it annoy me? Sometimes.

Most of the time, the arrogant, the people pleaser, the polite person or frank person does not annoy me unless I allow it to happen. Sometimes when I am in a bad mood, it can annoy me. I allowed myself to feel annoyed. Eventually, I learn to let it go. Yes, I have those days.

On most days, I set boundaries.

You have always heard me say repeatedly that we cannot control people’s actions, attitudes and even events. The only thing we can control is our attitude. But not that easy. One choice in recovery is choosing what we want to think and using our mental energy positively. Positive thinking can be extremely difficult in stressful situations. Positive thinking does not mean thinking in an unrealistic matter or reverting to denial. If I don’t like something, I respect my own opinion. If a problem hits me, I am honest about it. If something isn’t working out, I accept reality. I don’t have to dwell on the negative portions of my experience.

Life and people just seem to push and push. If someone pushes me to my limits, that’s exactly what’s happening: I am being pushed to my limits. I give myself permission to set the limits I want and need to set in my life.

The chronic nega ( or negative person) has no place in my life. I try to empower the good in myself, others and life. I’m willing to release, or let go of, negative thought patterns and replace them with positive ones. I will choose what I want to affirm, and I will make it good.

Does it annoy you when you learn someone is plastic?

24Apr 2021

The Wounded Bird Syndrome

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ 7 Comments

They say marriage is for better or for worse. Couples try to support and care for each other, through good times and bad. Usually, when one of us hits rock bottom, the other can try to be the mainstay for a little while, to help the other along. But what happens when our child dies? The couple is now cast into the same dark place, struggling with the worst thing they have ever faced. Couples are there together, but they may discover that they are also there alone.

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Now not all couples in grief experience this dilemma. I believe that marriages with “wounded bird syndrome” suffer the most. What is the “wounded bird syndrome”?

Many times a nurturer will marry a wounded bird who is extremely dependent. They need their spouse to fulfill their every need. As a result, it puts a lot of pressure on the relationship. The person who is the nurturer feels as if the weight of the relationship is upon them and they feel smothered. The wounded bird is frustrated with the nurturer because they never can take care of every need that they have. What the wounded bird is trying to do is to have their needs met by someone who is not able to meet them.

A wounded bird in grief will seek someone to fulfill this unmet need.

I never knew what this meant until I got a text message one day from Cecile (names and events are changed to protect their identities). She asked “How can I tell Peter,my boyfriend to move on without being insensitive?” Then Cecile and I talked on the landline phone. She explained that her boyfriend lost his 5 year old daughter , Samantha in a car accident over 6 months ago. Not that I am nosy or anything like that, I asked if she was the mother of the girl.

“No. Peter and his wife were already separated a year before the accident” Cecile said.

Would it have been rude of me to ask: “Where’s the proof they are separated?” I just treated Cecile as a support system to Peter. For the next three months, Cecile and I were in contact. She wanted to comfort her boyfriend in his most difficult moment. Knowing how important support is, I gave tips on Handling the Bereaved. Then one day, a friend asked me to help a bereaved mother.

My friend said “Emma lost her 5 year old daughter to a car accident a few months ago. Can you talk to her? “.

DING-DONG. Something rang inside my mind.

I asked my friend “Is Samantha the name of her daughter who died on May 13, 2005?”

My friend affirmed.

What a small word our grief circle is!

The succeeding text messages infuriated me. I felt like a fool. I found out that Emma and Peter are very much married.

I immediately texted Cecile and confronted her about this revelation.

Cecile pleaded “Please don’t mention we talked”

I shouldn’t have given advice to Cecile in the first place. She used Peter’s grief to her advantage so they could get close and continue their trysts. Like a wounded bird, Cecile nurtured Peter with the grief support I provided. I was so mad.

I met up with Emma finally. I wanted to tell her about her husband’s girlfriend. A couple’s grief gets even more complicated with a third party. I waited for the right opportunity and allowed her to unload her thoughts and feelings. I found out that she knew about the existence of the girl even prior to Samantha’s death. As far as she knew, that relationship ended. I felt that I could not continue talking to Emma until I revealed the truth. I felt like a hypocrite if I withheld that tidbit.

I released the bombshell.

Emma’s face crumpled.

I wanted to cry when I saw her pained expression.

I thought she would kill me with this revelation but thank goodness she was full of gratitude.

I told her that she is not alone with the wounded bird syndrome. Another bereaved mother experienced the same situation with a “girl friend” of her spouse. What helped the couple was the knowledge that couples grieve differently. The Compassionate Friends, helped with this revelation. The spouse found comfort and strength in talking to other parents who have battled through similar difficulties and survived them. There is hope in Emma and Peter’s marriage. I introduced her to Angie, the bereaved mother who almost lost her spouse to a cunning girlfriend.

It is often said that a relationship is like a dance: we have to find a tempo that works for us both, but then each of has our own steps. Grieving will probably intensify our awareness of each other and our sense of ‘together yet alone’. The need to remember our child and to share memories will always be there. But our lives do continue, and the insights into our relationship that have been so painfully discovered as we grieve may enrich our partnership in the years ahead.

10Apr 2021

Five parenting lessons my beloved son taught me

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ Leave a Comment

It’s that time of the year that I declutter my home. The library which is located in my home office is often filled with books because my family members are book lovers. As I reviewed the books on the top shelf, I screamed with delight upon discovering my son’s yearbook in Family Montessori Katipunan , his first school. I thought I had lost his yearbook after moving homes in 2007. I thought “there must be a message here”. I quickly leafed through the pages and found his handsome photo.

I could see that parents submitted anecdotes about their child. I could not help tearing and smiling at the same time. My heart tied in a knot as I read the last part.

He is a very energetic child in spite of his asthma. His favourite past time is reading (pretending to) his books, playing with his Lego blocks, writing in workbooks, running around the house and driving his sisters crazy. When he is in a good mood, he likes to kiss everyone. He always wants to be loved. However, when he is scolded, which he hates, he says “I am a good boy!” with much conviction.

Come to think of it, children are born without any baggages. Children are good. It is adults that give them the bad habits. Parents help shape their thoughts and habits in their early years. When I wrote this anecdote, Luijoe was only 4 years old. True, Luijoe was a good boy.

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It occurred to me that Luijoe taught me a lot about parenting. Luijoe did not mince words when he found something wrong with my parenting style. I am sure most of you have learned some important lessons from your children. I would like to share some of these poignant memories from my son.

1. Patience, mom

One of the important skills that all parents need to learned is how to be patient.

There were times my son wanted to get his way and he would cry when I refused. When I tell him to stop his crying spells, he’d raise his hands like a STOP sign “Mom. give me time to stop crying. I need more time to stop”.

That really gave me an insight that kids do not automatically stop crying like one would shut off the faucet.

2. Breastfeeding is good for babies

I still remember my son tugging at my sleeve “Mom, did you do that to me?”

He led me to the room where Maan, his former yaya was breastfeeding her son.

“Of course, I breastfed you.” I hugged my boy.

“Are you sure mom? Breastfeeding is good for babies.”

My son didn’t seem to believe me. Too bad I didn’t have photos of our breastfeeding moments. I pointed out the cross stitching projects in the kitchen .

I explained “When I breastfed you, I did cross stitch projects because it took you an hour to feed.” He seemed satisfied with my answer but the next day, he nagged me with the same question.

Luijoe’s fascination with breastfeeding inspired me to start my breastfeeding advocacy in 2007.

3. Don’t spank

My son once berated me for spanking him, “mom you should not spank”. I wanted to hit myself. I did not know any better. My parents brought me up, that spanking is a form of discipline. I turned to using another style “Face the corner” . He did not like it either but I had set rules that needed to be followed. Luijoe’s words haunted me through the years which probably moved me to pursue Children rights and eventually push for The Positive Discipline in Lieu of Corporal Punishment of Children Act of 2011.

4. Take time to smell the flowers

Flowers remind me to let go of work. Luijoe reminds me that I need to smell the flowers. I smile at the sweet memories, of his hugs which came with a bunch of flowers as a surprise. “I love you so very much, Mama,” he’d cry out. Remembering all these often bring tears to my eyes. The flowers he picked often came from our garden or the park. It is a bittersweet memory. I wish I could turn back the clock and hear him say “I love you so very much, Mama,” over and over again. Maybe it is one reason, I often deluge my home with fresh flowers.

5. Pray , mom

My son is very prayerful. I bought him a Catholic prayer book which we would read every night. I also had my own prayerbook which I shared with him.

Luijoe’s favorite prayer book

One time, Luijoe held my face with his chubby palms, “pray, mom”. I gave him a hug and prayed along with him. Without my Luijoe beside me now, I turned to prayers. I found the power of a praying parent. All I can do now is pray every day. I let go of worrying. It has been said that “worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.” Let go and Let God is my motto.

For many years, I struggled to find the meaning of my son’s death. As memories flow, I am reminded that Luijoe is never really gone. He continues to live in me. There is a lot to accomplish. Luijoe reminds me of the bigger work that God has set out for me in this world…declutter the mess.

04Apr 2021

Easter Sunday reminds me of my beloved son’s thoughts of eternal life

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ 15 Comments

I wrote this many years ago but I want to share this story again because Easter Sunday is very special.

“If I die, Mama, will I be alive again?” Luijoe asked. My six-year-old was lying on the bed, flipping through the prayer books piled on his tummy.

It was Holy Week, a month before that fateful day of May 27, 2000.

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I turned my body to face him and stroked his cheek. How could I explain the mysteries of death to a little boy? “When we die, Lui, we will live forever, through eternal life in heaven,” I said the lines I’d memorized from the teachings of our Catholic Church.

“When I die, I will be alive again!” he exclaimed, jumping in bed, arms wide in exuberance.

“Yes, baby, you will live forever, but not on Earth.” I smiled at his childish enthusiasm and wide-eyed wonder. “I won’t see you anymore, but you will have eternal life with God.”

With a serious look on his face, he asked, “Mama, who goes to heaven?” His chubby fingers twirled on the strands of my hair. He sniffed the ends and splayed my hair along his cheeks.

“Good boys go to heaven and usually they become angels.”

“I don’t want to go to hell,” he said with vehemence.

I hugged him, said he was a good boy, and promised that he would never go to hell.

Head bowed, he picked up a prayer book to continue praying, then looked up. With both hands planted firmly on my cheeks, he asked, “Are the clouds heaven?”

“I’m not sure if the clouds are heaven, but it’s somewhere up there and hell is down there,” I said, kissing his fat cheeks.

He never tired of asking the same questions over and over again, as though reassuring himself that there were angels that protected him and that heaven was a beautiful place to go when someone died.

Why had I not seen our conversation as a sign that something devastating was about to happen? If I had sensed the omen then, could I have prevented his death? Had Luijoe known he was leaving us soon and in his childlike way, tried to warn me?

(The above is an excerpt from the story I wrote on Luijoe’s Life and Death from The Fallen Cradle edited by Agnes Prieto)

Sometimes I wished I had the power to go back in time and stopped his death. Of course, that is not possible. Those wonderful words he told me weeks before his death is what keeps my faith alive.

Luijoe’s words never fail to bring me hope that we will reunite one day. It gives me the courage to put meaning in my life.

My religious background always taught me that Jesus is in Heaven with God and the angels and that Heaven is a place to go , but only after we die. The ultimate questions rests on , “how can anyone see or experience Heaven after they’re dead, since we’re taught when you die, everything ceases to exist? ” “Or does the spirit live on?” Has anyone actually heard a heaven testimonial from a loved one?

Another common question is “What is the use in striving for something that is intangible, invisible and unseen? Or is it? Eternal Life seems so elusive.”

Yet I will go with my faith. I believe my greatest proof is my son when he innocently exclaimed that “When I die, I will be alive again” two weeks before his untimely death. How simplistic but that is faith.

Faith is one of the virtues that keeps me alive and going in this temporary world.

“I am the resurrection and the life; whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die.” (John11:25,25)

“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16)

May Easter Day remind us not only of our Lord’s resurrection but also that of our precious children. We hope your celebration of Easter is filled with the joy the Christ offers in his resurrection.

Happy Easter day to all.

02Apr 2021

How my son reminded me about the comfort of St. John the Beloved

by webs ⋅ 1 Comment

When a child dies, it’s not the natural order of things. For many years, I struggled to find the meaning of my son’s death. Five years and a lot of pain later, I finally found the answers. It all started with an email to Cathy after I invited her to join as co-founder for the Compassionate Friends Philippines.I have to mention that this support group is not around anymore, but I continue to offer comfort in my aboutmyrecovery.com blog.

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She replied and readily agreed to join. What struck me was her statement:

I now know that we are called to serve in different ways because we have different missions. Setting up Compassionate Friends in the Philippines is clearly yours as Migi’s Corner and Grief counselling and death education are mine.

How could that be? If I wanted a mission, a foundation seems a more noble idea. “The Compassionate Friends” is not an original idea. So there I was thinking, Alma, Cathy and Pia initiated foundations all in the memory of their children. I don’t have any memorial or foundation in Luijoe’s name. I felt a bit sad, but Cathy’s words stuck in my mind for many days until I remembered a conversation with my son during Holy Week.

The actual picture that Luijoe pointed out in his prayerbook

This is what I wrote in Luijoe’s memorial site almost 21 years ago:

Then one night while we had our usual prayers before bedtime, he pointed to the picture of St. John the Apostle which was found in his Rosary Prayer book. I explained that Jesus told John to take care and comfort his mother when he dies. Luijoe seemed to be touched by St. John and the following nights, he kept repeating the same question and this time he was asking how John was related to Mother Mary. I found that to be a very deep question, and I just said he was one of Jesus’ apostle.

Now I realized the meaning. It was like Luijoe was making sure I would remember John. I did remember our conversation during the wake .It touched my heart that my son was worried about my grief.

I realized Luijoe wanted me to carry on the comfort to others. The St. John symbolizes compassion. By working with The Compassionate Friends, I would act like a “St. John” to other bereaved parents. This memory brought tears of joy and nostalgia. Even if I am no longer around in this mortal world, this grief support group will still continue on. Truly, God works in mysterious ways and He uses our children to help us find and shape our ministries. It is our children who remind us of the bigger work that God has set out for us in this world.

I wrote this post a long time ago when I was still active with “The Compassionate Friends”. But I continue to talk to parents who have lost a child through my blog and sharing this podcast. My son never let me forget that there are many “St. Johns” in my life. Today, Good Friday reminds me Luijoe is never entirely gone

Luijoe is never entirely gone.

Luijoe’s favorite prayer book

28Mar 2021

Being a 70s child & why today’s youth never had it so good

by Noemi Lardizabal-Dado ⋅ 4 Comments

“Being an 80s child & why today’s youth never had it so good” brings back sweet memories of my youth. Hence, I’ve come up with my own version of the 70’s child. (yes I am that old. High School in 1970 and college in 1974).

We didn’t have Oculus Virtual Reality headsets, PlayStation, Nintendo 64, X boxes, video games, cable TV with over 100 channels, VCR’s, surround sound, cellular phones, computers, online chatrooms.

Instead we had…

1. Dance parties that started at 4:00 PM because martial law imposed a curfew at 12:00 midnight. A permit was required whenever there were more than 5 guests.

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2. Portable typewriter instead of a laptop. When you made a typing error, you had to use a correction fluid . No delete buttons. And you had to have your content ready before typing.

3. Four TV channels: Channel 3, Channel 7 and Channel 9 and Channel 13.

4. No call waiting. No direct dialing. One time, I had the shock of my life when an operator rudely interrupted a telephone conversation with my suitor because of an incoming long distance call.

5. No Automated Teller machines. Since I resided at a dormitory in the UP campus, my allowance was sent through telegraphic transfer. Queuing at PNB for 30 minutes or so was not fun at all.

6. PONG . If you don’t know what PONG is it is a rudimentary side-view tennis game, the ball bounces off a long horizontal line at the bottom of the oscilloscope, and there is a small vertical line in the centre to represent the net.

7. No email. I wrote letters to my siblings with a pen, of course, and rode a jeepney to drop my letter at the post office. Often it takes a week for our letter to arrive. If we wanted instant messaging, we had to use the telegram such as RCPI.

8. No World Wide Web. Research had to be done in the library. And nope, there were no search engines. One needed to be proficient in the Dewey Decimal Classification System and use the card catalog to get the right book.

9. No bottled water. I drank water from the faucet or from a hose in the backyard.

10. No portable music player. No Napster. No. torrents. No MP3 ‘s. No IPod. No Spotify, Apple Music. No podcasts. Vinyl records and cassette tapes were so cool. I brought my friends over to the house to groove with the music and dance along with the music- 12 steps (not the 12-step program, duh), LA walk, the Swing.